A Shirt Turned Inspiration

 This shirt has been saved for a creative endeavor. I wasn't exactly sure what I'd do with it but somehow the possibilities would come to me. I needed to recreate the memories. The memories and associations to be honest, were often quite hard for me. I wanted to do something with this pain.

The last and only time I wore it was for our family reunion.

It was red.

It was hot.

It was special, yet exhausting.

It was distinct, hard, and stretching my interior.

I felt that I didn't have a purpose, somehow so many discouragements and lies were at me. Comparison to my siblings' lives and how mine looks was rampant. 

I needed to recreate some of my associations and memories and make something beautiful and creative out of them.

I realized my purpose, and God's plan for me at that time was to be of help, service and available for my sister and her family. She had gotten sick and needed some medical attention and later surgery. God also whispered this to me recently of my purpose. God's plans are mysterious but profound.

So, this was the recreation of my t-shirt. That red, sweaty t-shirt no longer looked and felt depleted from the sun and my energy, but God's grace. And I painted it. The paint oozing out never felt so good, like covering up the crumbs with buttercream frosting, hoping none of it will show. 

I wrote it all in German.

It's my sister and my 'sister's' or schwester' language we like to play along in, if only a few words!

A language I have learned, stop, relearned, put away, and then only to pick up once again. It has been my first foreign language I decided to learn on my own when I was newly 21. 

My dear sister put up the German word for 'hello' on the creative board she made for me for my 30th, straight from my old blog.

It's a part of me, it's part of my blood and heritage, if only somewhat distant. 

This shirt is a part of me, having my last name on the back. With every thread woven into my story. It's so much more than just the red shirt for that July day.

 God's plan and purpose always come out to be purposeful, meaningful, peaceful and beautiful. 

A Journal, God Writes

 I happened to think about that time, though it has felt quite longer. The distance has spanned much greater, as well as the growth. But when I do recall and think about it, it feels all so much closer, rawer, realistic, yet also special. I would never call or describe that time as special, but it was, it really was looking back now. 

I found my notebook, the one I used religiously for notetaking, reminders, yet more importantly, I used it for my own inspiration and dare I say, sanity at my job. Yes, having that near me was more than helpful (it did help me look busy), but it also helped me have some purpose, mindset, and goals. It could feel like a little light in the darkness that I was experiencing. 

Most days I didn't have a ton to do and that was hard, really hard. It felt like a kind of surrender. There was a lot of stretching and growing, even in small and slow ways that I couldn't exactly see or always feel at the time. I felt in isolation, but around people, yet stuck in my thoughts, my interests, my desires. 

I would come up with my own inspiration. I would muse up a schedule in my head to keep me inspired and encouraged, purely out of desperation and possibly transformation. My schedule I formed came from a need that I felt already in the beginning of the school year. I didn't really feel connected to the students, the school or really the staff, and it was hard not to compare to my other school where I overall enjoyed it more. It felt quite opposite.

So, my schedule in my head was linking a certain saint with a class/class period. So then throughout the whole day, from walking to each class, and being in a classroom with a teacher and a set of students, I could think about and pray to those saints. I kept this little schedule in my mind for the whole year, and it increased my awareness of my faith and the saints throughout the workday. 

1st period: St. John Paul II

2nd period: St. Therese of Lisieux

3rd period: St. Padre Pio

4th period: St. Mother Teresa

5th period: St. Gianna Molla and Servant of God/V. Chiara Corbello Petrillo

6th period: St. Josemaria and St. Don Alvaro 

Now, there were certain reasons of inspiration that came up of why I chose these saints for these class periods, but maybe I'll share that for another time. 

As I said earlier, I found the notebook I was using at work throughout the school year. And looking back on it, brought back so many memories and distinct feelings. 

I was having a rough time in the Fall specifically, and still adjusting, When I went to a teacher's classroom for about 20 mins, as it was a support time for students, I would check in with a student. Sometimes I was able to help her out and other times there wasn't much for me to do. 

That teacher's classroom though was inspiring and uplifting. It was better to be in there for a bit than the main classroom I was in, there was a light and warmth. Not to mention, the view from that second story angle was beautiful with Mount Diablo. 

That teacher had a quote that stuck with me, so I wrote it down in my notebook. "If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you. Do something amazing."

That got me thinking, since what I was doing wasn't challenging. I also thought of that teacher, since it was her first-year teaching and she said she needed a challenge and wanted to do something more after being an Aid. That was inspiring to me. 

Just the other day, as I left work early due to feeling under the weather, I passed by the beautiful white flowers that I would always see and pass by on my way to work last year. What a full circle, so much growth, grace, perspective only God could write. 

Retracing Goals

 I feel I've lost some of my sense of goals from New Years. The year has really taken its own spin of semi constant motion. And with Earth Day this past week, the rain, there's only remotely been a slow down to reflect and recollect. Given that there are only about 30 days left in the school year, the challenge is stay focused, engaged, but also motivated. It's important to take time to rejuvenate and recollect. 

There have been many days of where it's hard to be and stay inspired. Or I don't always feel like myself, or I forget my goals and pursuits.

I think one of the main things to instill this recharge of inspiration is less or no social media use and prayer and silence. That feels the most inspiring, and during the Lenten season that's what I did. There was so much fruit coming from it and I know God blesses that. 

As my sister and I have talked about, goals are so important and even crucial. They are essential because they are a life force and speak on purpose, motivation and inspiration. 

So, some goals I have for myself:

-Continue to study German

-Continue to study and review Russian

-Read the book of Romans, Isaiah, and the Psalms in the Bible

-Learn and memorize a prayer in a foreign language (Russian, German or Chinese)

-Paint

-Craft/Knit

-Write creatively (short story)

I'm sure there's more, but this a good start and don't want to be overwhelmed.

Prayer Journal Entry

 I came upon my prayer journal from a few years ago. Sometimes I peruse through these journals and remember vaguely or distinctly that time period. I felt like through my writing and processing it was hard. There were definitely ebbs and flows, and I feel that's true for a melancholy temperament, but also life! 

In this particular entry, it was late January 2022. There was a lot of growth and coming out of a hard 2021, and still feeling isolated from Covid, transitioning still with my sweet sister moved out late summer 2020, but in person classes for my job had been back in session for a good while. There was also a business of wedding season and being a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding and then later my sister's. Additionally, my Masters program was constantly demanding. 

I felt quite alone in my thoughts at my job. Inspiration wasn't always a flow, and some days were harder mentally than others. Those memories of being in that classroom from most of the school year prior were becoming more distant yet were so personal and raw. 

Here is some of what I wrote in that entry:

"Keep my focus on you, my joy on you, and to be in the present moment, for that is where you are, as well as your gifts and graces. I have been given so much, and it all bestows your love and generosity. I have to trust that you know me and know what's best for me now. 

But I believe you really are preparing me for something, something that you have planned for me and I'm meant to do. Who knows what, how, when, but you do, and I can hope, rest and trust in that."

A Holy Thursday Reflection

 *I wrote this in my notebook on Good Friday.

It was a moving and touching Holy Thursday Mass and Good Friday Service. Just to try and be able to comprehend Jesus' suffering willingly made me emotional and brought tears to my eyes. And while on my walk, thinking of Jesus' age, 33- the same age as me! What profound mystery, contemplation, and spiritual connection.

Seeing the apartments (near the school I used to work at) built and ready, they look so different than when they were being constructed and built in the Fall. So too, time has passed and things have changed. I have grown.

The school buildings (near where I live, and Elementary School I went to) look so different as well, more like new classrooms. Growth, building, purpose. 

I remember last year's Holy Thursday, parking in front of the Catholic school because the parking lot and other areas were full. I parked right next to a St. Joseph statue, I remember I felt worn out and very annoyed with a student from that day and just over the school year. I was applying and praying for a teaching job. 

When I did work at the Catholic School just 5 months later, and I would be walking back from Mass with my class, I saw that same St. Jospeh statue in front of the school, and each time I'd think of that Holy Thursday. 

God had surely answered my desires and prayers for a teaching job. 

Finding Russian

 I brought my Russian flashcards. I may study them. I cannot seem to find my Russian notebook I've been using for at least 2 years. I've looked everywhere I've thought it could be. I used it to write down new words, phrases and also information from my Russian course last spring.

So, I'm starting over.

It's been a while since I've sat down and studied and reviewed Russian. Maybe also because I have been focusing on German, my notes, and my course. 

I have been invigorated by Russian studying and know it's not completely gone; it's just has been on the backburner. 

Why not start today? 

Why not during this Easter season? 

That's one of my goals anyway, to get back into Russian and maybe learn a prayer. 

Also, in German. 

The possibilities seem endless!

Cherry Blossoms and Nighttime in D.C.

 

That picture from July 2023 in D.C. I came across it recently. 

I was...

sweaty and sticky from the humidity. 

inspired and excited to be visiting a new place (well, after only been there once 11 years prior)

interested in history and reminded me of the high school class I was in at my job, relearning about US history and enjoying it!

inspired to see the monuments at nighttime

studying Korean that summer, as a new language endeavor

looking into internships and would have another interview late July.

healing from a guy who was uncommunicative after 4 dates, and I thought it could lead to something.

figuring our friends and potential friendships.

writing and bought a cherry blossom notebook

reminiscing and processing busy and hectic school year and semester, with some nostalgia.

really enjoying the site seeing, history, museums, beauty of the area. 

taking in the various excursions and special quality time with my sister and her family.

sleeping in until 9am easily while staying over at my sister and her family's house

starting another year (31!) and wondering what it would entail

last two semesters of Library Science and thinking and questioning next steps. 

thinking maybe I missed the right guy for me

desiring for marriage

got into the hit TV show, The Chosen from my sister and nieces

Easter Is...

 Easter is waking up a bit earlier, walking with your mom to Mass, and feeling like the disciples who were walking on the road to Emmaus. 

Easter feels like taking in a breath of fresh air and enjoying the scenery, plants, food and coffee you're having for breakfast while reflecting on the priest's homily. 

Easter feels like slowing down. It is taking in the beauty and gratitude of life.

 When I was on my way to the Easter Vigil last week, waling rather quickly in order to get a good seat, there was a lady who was walking behind me. I saw some roses as I was walking and thought to myself it would be nice to smell the roses (and slow down), but I didn't. Instead, she did and said, "nice to slow down and smell the roses." What a premonition, and nice thing to do and remember. 

Easter is reflecting on Christ's Passion, and the glory of His Resurrection and the mystery of it all, the magnitude and sheer love of it all. Hope, joy and peace all wrapped together. 

Saints Along the Way

 I was thinking of some saints who reminded me of somethings during my trip to Monterey and Carmel.

-St. Joseph: Helping us find parking spaces for our car, at least 3 times!

-St. Josemaria: Watching the ducks swimming in the pond, it reminded of his metaphor of ducks.

-St. Maria Faustina: Seeing the ocean, in its beauty and vastness, reminds me of comparison to God's infinite mercy, stated from her diary. 

-St. Junipero Serra: San Carlos Cathedral and Mission Carmel

-St. Therese of Lisieux: Ordering and eating a vanilla eclair from a French bakery...hmmm delicious!

-St. Mother Teresa: Reading a book about her

-The disciples on the road to Emmaus: Heard this Gospel at Mass and my mom and I were like them, walking together to go to Mass in beautiful Monterey. 

Weekend Refreshment Revealed

 Once I left the building and the doors closed behind me, I could finally think. I was very much ready for a reprieve from the week. I knew I had to get to my happy place, so I decided to get there sooner than later. Upon entering my warm car Friday afternoon, (and what felt like a long time ago from parking that morning) I took a breath and scurried on over to a more relaxing place. I couldn't quite relax on the way, as I had all the thoughts, feelings, conversations and emotions circling in my head from the day. It felt like a big, knitted mess to process. It had been another challenging and exhausting day, as I just had one the day before. Not to mention a busier and fuller week- testing an incoming student for my class next year, another parent meeting, tutoring, staff meeting, among my own pursuits like swimming with mom and then rushing over to confession (and waiting a very long time.)

I'm glad I left when I did to make it to my happy place, there was less traffic than if I left later. I knew things were waiting for me to pick up, and also maybe I would browse a little. I was on these same roads that early morning, headed, rather rushing to Mass when it was still dark. Maybe I pushed myself a little too much with waking up before the crack of dawn? But most days it worked out well. And 100% of the time it was worth it. 

I parked. I felt ready to enter in, and slowly already the weight of the day and the week was starting to dissipate. To my surprise, and joy, all my books had been waiting for me to pick up. And to my slight embarrassment, I had just picked up a similar number of books a week ago (they must think I'm crazy, I thought), to which the lady with the disheveled hair said in a somewhat annoyed, yet only partially encouraging tone, 'You have a lot of reading to do.' I asked if I could get a bag, as there was no way I would be able to carry all these books on my own. She was able to pull out a bag that looked like the shape of a football all wrapped up (her words, not mine) and then came across one that was cleaner and didn't want to give me a dirty one. I smiled upon that as I thought the way she said it was funny, and thoughtful (I think that was the first genuine smile I gave all day, I thought). 

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Driving past those green hills never felt more relaxing, refreshing and freeing. It's not very common to see such wide amounts of land, green that is, and with cows and sheep grazing on it. I hadn't been near there in a long while, but I remember growing up, every summer we would enjoy our excursion of fruit picking and would pass by those mountainous, lush hills. Being out in nature is important and does something to you, it can revile and awaken you to God's beauty. It's a refreshment that we often forget about.

Seeing my brother and his son was uplifting, and later my sister-in-law. Being at their new house and neighborhood, and just seeing in a different area, on a different schedule, someone else's life was a breath of fresh air. Eating his crepes that he made the night before, a coffee like protein shake drink that was delicious and refreshing as well as chicken strips from Costco, not to mention those sea salt chips that Dominic wanted and kept trying to get them off my plate with his two-year-old avocado lover hands. Talking to my brother about books, and recommending some in case he's interested, writing, genres, language and family.

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I was mixing the ingredients this morning before anyone was awake. Stirring the flour and cinnamon contents and then the egg. I don't usually make breakfast, but something inspired me to and wanted to continue using my sister's pancake mix she put together. Navidad wasn't outside, though he was outside all night. He would usually be at the door by now and listen to his name with a gentle prance across the grass or already be near the flowers in the front. Luckily, my mom saw that he was in the car. He must have gone in last night when the car door was still open. Good thing he was okay, trapped with not much air flow, but out of harm's way. His expression looked a bit scared, and putting his paws on the window, but no meows. Such a quiet and curious kitty. 

Palm Sunday Mass, spiritual and meaningful. Was able to get a good seat, a simple palm after the Mass started and receive a good message from the Pastor from his homily. 

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I've been meaning to use up the rest of my gift card and shop, especially for spring clothes now that it's been warmer. Somedays I don't really know what to wear. Of course, the parking was super crowded, and it was warm outside, and of course I went a lot over my gift card. I happened to park a short walk away. Parking where I did always remind me of that Starbucks that used to be there (I could envision seeing my past self there through the window, the spot I always liked.) I would read, write down notes/quotations, and language study (mostly Arabic at the time) and have quality time with my sisters or my mom. 

Walking to and from the store felt more relaxing and slowed down time. I could also focus more on details and my surroundings in the midst of many cars and traffic. If I could, I would walk a lot more to places, there are so many benefits. 

Swimming in Sharp Blue Water

 Lying down on the cool, green grass never felt so relaxing. It was a Sunday and gearing up for another week never felt so necessary. I decided going for a swim would do the trick. It was still summer, though late, and although it was nearly fall technically, the summer heat and sunshine fooled. Splashing and soaking into the chlorine water never felt so good and inviting. 

It was daunting thinking of another week, demanding, busy, exhausting...Was I ready? Lying on the soothing grass helped me melt all my concerns from the week prior and into the new week away. It felt firm, but soft.

 Collapsing into the chlorine waves, and lukewarm water chilled away any stress. I would go underneath the water, blowing bubbles as I held my breath like I did when I was just learning how to swim as a young girl. It looked like sheer glass up above, with the large green trees and cerulean sky, the crisp, tangerine sun shining through. I could relax and breathe (well, not actually breathe), but I felt like I was decompressing. 

There was beauty to this moment, and I was taking it all in, especially the last days of summer and still able to swim later in the afternoon. I was grateful to soak up the silence, stillness and nature before the week shouted at me for demands, noise and a good (over)dose of stimulation. 

When I swam indoors only on occasion during these winter months, the memories of those September swims came back to me. They were fun, rejuvenating and challenged me to get back into swimming. It also was nice to think that I did survive those weeks- and they were just the beginning of the school year, as busy and hectic as they were.

Swimming and jumping into the glassy water remind me of a book I'm (re)reading. She's a swimmer, a determined one, and in the beginning its because of her dad, who's also her coach. But as the years go by, she is set to practice and train for the Olympics. Her journey to Europe (Germany) as a refugee also has some part of it when her and her sister help save the boat going across to Turkey from Syria when they swim across while helping support the fellow passengers fleeing from Syria as well. 

Reading this book the first time made me so inspired by her story, by swimming, by her determination. I also really like learning about refugee stories. Also, I requested to read it again because she eventually goes to and lives in Germany with her sister and later her younger sister and parents are able to come. She has to learn the language (as I am doing currently), and its inspiring for me with culture and language. 

I plan to swim another time this month. It will be a good challenge, a way to decompress, be immersed in the water, silence, my own thoughts and among other lap swimmers. Maybe I'll relay some German vocab, or maybe just be grateful for all that's happened this year, and this school year. To be grateful for God's plan to unfold and be in the chill and thrill of swimming in sharp blue water.