Clean, Cleaning, Unclean

'I do will it. Be made clean.' The Gospel reading on my birthday struck me, not just because of the beautiful miracle and the leper's faith and humility, but also the word 'clean' has been my word for this year of 2026. 

It has cropped up in different ways over these past few months. And this past week alone was a week of cleaning and cleanliness. I had been cleaning a lot, decluttering the typical and usual spaces, but also my room that was desperately in need of organizing and vacuuming. And my humble and useful car for the past 10 years needed some love with washing and vacuuming for my dear sisters to ride in during our special sister weekend without all the messes, crumbs and dirtiness these weeks have brought.

 I realized how long it has been to vacuum these spaces and actually attend to cleaning it and noticing the effects, and especially the aftereffects of feeling relaxed, happy, accomplished and peaceful about it. Clean and unclean I have seen and read a lot in scripture and how it deals with not just physically and health, but also spiritually.

Jesus, help me to be clean from sin. Help me to see the areas where I need to be healed and be made clean. 

Strawberry Year

 I had to take a picture of this dress while I was shopping today. It describes the start to my new year, - my 34th year on this beautiful earth. I somehow in varying ways have depicted this year to be a strawberry year, filled with meaning and symbolism, sweetness, strength and fruits for this wonderful and blessed year ahead. 

When my sweet sister treated me to Starbucks on my birthday morning after going to Mass together, I order my usual drink- Hot Cafe Latte with a pump of Vanilla, and something new- strawberry matcha bread, it was super delicious! 

When my parents, my sweet sister who was visiting and I went out to a lovely brunch in town, the free dessert on your birthday came- it was strawberry cheesecake. Yum!

The birthday cake I chose and wanted for my birthday that was totally different than I've done in other years, was from a cute little French and Korean inspired cafe, and I wanted a strawberry cake. It was so good, delicious and light. 

When we came home from our lovely and very special and fun sister weekend in Davis, I dropped off my sister at her house. Beautiful to see her home, her cute and beautiful kids for a bit. One of her children was eating a little piece of basil and then gave me an eaten strawberry and put it in my hands. It wasn't until later that I realized all these connections to strawberries!

I looked up meanings and symbolisms, especially Christian meanings and I found some profound things. Some of the meanings that stood out to me the most are sweetness of God's love, the fruit of the spirit, the Passion of Christ, and the Virgin Mary and her virtue and humility. 

Our Lady of Guadalupe Behind Me

 I think Our Lady, specifically, Our Lady of Guadalupe has been guiding and protecting me this year. It's my first year of teaching, and I don't doubt Our Lady of Guadalupe's love and help. 

Back in August, for my training days, the new teachers and I from my school took a photo in front of an Our Lady of Guadalupe image. I thought it was a powerful and beautiful meaning looking back now. 

I can remember back to her glorious feast day on December 12th. We had a school Mass and I was anxiously praying for what was to come, the transition of my position and filling in for another teacher, or so I thought. I was also praying to our Lady, while looking at her beautiful statue display with St. Juan Diego and the colorful roses.

During lunch, I had an intuition that if I were to go into the lunchroom, I would encounter the teacher I would be covering for come January and hear more about my assignment. Lo and behold, she came up to me when I entered the room. She told me that her surgery was postponed and wouldn't be until March, and she was sorry about that. 

So basically, it changed everything, the whole plan of me staying there. I had to process the news and let it sift through my mind, my heart and be open to the next step. In the later afternoon, I taught my students about Our Lady of Guadalupe. I showed them the prayer card of her in my wallet from Mexico City, a bracelet and also rosary bracelet I was wearing. Sharing about her story, Juan Diego, the miracle of the roses and the tilma and all the various meanings on her image was intriguing for them. 

Just two weeks ago or so, I taught my students at my new school about Our Lady of Fatima. I also shared about Our Lady of Guadalupe, as I had a picture of her on one of my boards in my class. I shared with them the jewelry I was wearing- I happened to be wearing 3 bracelets with her image on them that day! They were excited and in awe of the connections, just as I was. My favorite bracelet- the beautiful rosary bracelet from my sister, her handmade dark green bracelet with Our Lady of Guadalupe on it as well, and the blue bracelet with her image from El Salvador. 

On Friday, I felt weary, exhausted and depleted. So much to process and mentally rejuvenate from. I went to the chapel to pray for a while, and as I was leaving, I remembered that the Our Lady of Guadalupe image was behind me.

I see her heling hand and prayers with me throughout this teaching year, and all the hurdles, transitions, joys and hard parts. She is always with us. She loves us and helps us be closer to Jesus. 

A Diploma With a Story

 Two years ago, I graduated with my master's in library science. I didn't know what I would do with this degree at the time, but what I did know, was that I would need some time to decompress, process, and embrace this new season. What was in store, what was supposed to take place, how was I supposed to use my education and experience? How was I supposed to heal from all the hard experiences prior, and all the achievements along the way, the fortitude, the long journey? It was exciting, yet also daunting and filled with uncertainty. 

I have had my diploma framed and hung up on my wall for a while. Recently, it fell off, so I took it down temporarily. I was looking at it and reflecting upon that time more. 

Ultimately, God led my steps little by little. He led me through my intuition and desires, my talents and interests.

I don't forget that time. I don't forget my graduation day, and all the grit, focus and sacrifices it took to get there. It was a challenge I needed, even if I didn't know all the details and steps post-graduation.

 I wouldn't be where I am and doing what I am today, I don't think, if I didn't go through that unique and personal journey that worked out well for that specific time. It felt mysterious at the time, but overtime it hasn't felt so, but more revealing God's plan. 

A Gracious Week

 There were some sweet and special things this week. A student gifted me a bracelet, well, she put it on my wrist and told me to keep it until the next day. And then it was until the next day, the next, and then the weekend. Working with young children truly shows me their innocence and sense of giving and love. Unlike adults, we have our attachments. Children give without counting the cost. 

This same student while we were in the church was asking different questions, it was the feast day of Our Lady of Fatima and she was asking about the statue in the altar. I was also telling her about the different details on the altar- the red candle, the cross, the tabernacle, the phrase- 'I am the Resurrection and the Life' in Latin. 

I loved her inquisitiveness. I loved that I was able to have more personal time to explain these things to her, while other students were focused and distracted on the set up of the event; it was sweet and special to share more information about our faith, about the church. 

Another student gave me a beautiful pink flower in a vase (not sure if it's a peony or another flower) just because. 

I was pleasantly surprised to receive a thoughtful card from my Aunt with a gift card for teacher appreciation week. 

Swimming with my mom

Making it to Mass in the early morning and still able to receive holy communion, going to confession and adoration and then picking up and finding wonderful books to read at the public library.

Not feeling so stressed and overwhelmed this past week. 

Receiving a kind email from a parent, showing empathy and consideration about me starting a new school, having new students and environment right at the middle of the school year. 

Finishing a book

Sharing with my students about Our Lady of Fatima, and St. Pope John Paul II being protected by Our Lady on her feast day (May 13) over 60 years later. 

Sharing with my students about the Ascension of Jesus. 

Celebrating my nieces and nephew birthday, their birthday party in San Rafael near the peaceful water.

A Shirt Turned Inspiration

 This shirt has been saved for a creative endeavor. I wasn't exactly sure what I'd do with it but somehow the possibilities would come to me. I needed to recreate the memories. The memories and associations to be honest, were often quite hard for me. I wanted to do something with this pain.

The last and only time I wore it was for our family reunion.

It was red.

It was hot.

It was special, yet exhausting.

It was distinct, hard, and stretching my interior.

I felt that I didn't have a purpose, somehow so many discouragements and lies were at me. Comparison to my siblings' lives and how mine looks was rampant. 

I needed to recreate some of my associations and memories and make something beautiful and creative out of them.

I realized my purpose, and God's plan for me at that time was to be of help, service and available for my sister and her family. She had gotten sick and needed some medical attention and later surgery. God also whispered this to me recently of my purpose. God's plans are mysterious but profound.

So, this was the recreation of my t-shirt. That red, sweaty t-shirt no longer looked and felt depleted from the sun and my energy, but God's grace. And I painted it. The paint oozing out never felt so good, like covering up the crumbs with buttercream frosting, hoping none of it will show. 

I wrote it all in German.

It's my sister and my 'sister's' or schwester' language we like to play along in, if only a few words!

A language I have learned, stop, relearned, put away, and then only to pick up once again. It has been my first foreign language I decided to learn on my own when I was newly 21. 

My dear sister put up the German word for 'hello' on the creative board she made for me for my 30th, straight from my old blog.

It's a part of me, it's part of my blood and heritage, if only somewhat distant. 

This shirt is a part of me, having my last name on the back. With every thread woven into my story. It's so much more than just the red shirt for that July day.

 God's plan and purpose always come out to be purposeful, meaningful, peaceful and beautiful. 

A Journal, God Writes

 I happened to think about that time, though it has felt quite longer. The distance has spanned much greater, as well as the growth. But when I do recall and think about it, it feels all so much closer, rawer, realistic, yet also special. I would never call or describe that time as special, but it was, it really was looking back now. 

I found my notebook, the one I used religiously for notetaking, reminders, yet more importantly, I used it for my own inspiration and dare I say, sanity at my job. Yes, having that near me was more than helpful (it did help me look busy), but it also helped me have some purpose, mindset, and goals. It could feel like a little light in the darkness that I was experiencing. 

Most days I didn't have a ton to do and that was hard, really hard. It felt like a kind of surrender. There was a lot of stretching and growing, even in small and slow ways that I couldn't exactly see or always feel at the time. I felt in isolation, but around people, yet stuck in my thoughts, my interests, my desires. 

I would come up with my own inspiration. I would muse up a schedule in my head to keep me inspired and encouraged, purely out of desperation and possibly transformation. My schedule I formed came from a need that I felt already in the beginning of the school year. I didn't really feel connected to the students, the school or really the staff, and it was hard not to compare to my other school where I overall enjoyed it more. It felt quite opposite.

So, my schedule in my head was linking a certain saint with a class/class period. So then throughout the whole day, from walking to each class, and being in a classroom with a teacher and a set of students, I could think about and pray to those saints. I kept this little schedule in my mind for the whole year, and it increased my awareness of my faith and the saints throughout the workday. 

1st period: St. John Paul II

2nd period: St. Therese of Lisieux

3rd period: St. Padre Pio

4th period: St. Mother Teresa

5th period: St. Gianna Molla and Servant of God/V. Chiara Corbello Petrillo

6th period: St. Josemaria and St. Don Alvaro 

Now, there were certain reasons of inspiration that came up of why I chose these saints for these class periods, but maybe I'll share that for another time. 

As I said earlier, I found the notebook I was using at work throughout the school year. And looking back on it, brought back so many memories and distinct feelings. 

I was having a rough time in the Fall specifically, and still adjusting, When I went to a teacher's classroom for about 20 mins, as it was a support time for students, I would check in with a student. Sometimes I was able to help her out and other times there wasn't much for me to do. 

That teacher's classroom though was inspiring and uplifting. It was better to be in there for a bit than the main classroom I was in, there was a light and warmth. Not to mention, the view from that second story angle was beautiful with Mount Diablo. 

That teacher had a quote that stuck with me, so I wrote it down in my notebook. "If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you. Do something amazing."

That got me thinking, since what I was doing wasn't challenging. I also thought of that teacher, since it was her first-year teaching and she said she needed a challenge and wanted to do something more after being an Aid. That was inspiring to me. 

Just the other day, as I left work early due to feeling under the weather, I passed by the beautiful white flowers that I would always see and pass by on my way to work last year. What a full circle, so much growth, grace, perspective only God could write. 

Retracing Goals

 I feel I've lost some of my sense of goals from New Years. The year has really taken its own spin of semi constant motion. And with Earth Day this past week, the rain, there's only remotely been a slow down to reflect and recollect. Given that there are only about 30 days left in the school year, the challenge is stay focused, engaged, but also motivated. It's important to take time to rejuvenate and recollect. 

There have been many days of where it's hard to be and stay inspired. Or I don't always feel like myself, or I forget my goals and pursuits.

I think one of the main things to instill this recharge of inspiration is less or no social media use and prayer and silence. That feels the most inspiring, and during the Lenten season that's what I did. There was so much fruit coming from it and I know God blesses that. 

As my sister and I have talked about, goals are so important and even crucial. They are essential because they are a life force and speak on purpose, motivation and inspiration. 

So, some goals I have for myself:

-Continue to study German

-Continue to study and review Russian

-Read the book of Romans, Isaiah, and the Psalms in the Bible

-Learn and memorize a prayer in a foreign language (Russian, German or Chinese)

-Paint

-Craft/Knit

-Write creatively (short story)

I'm sure there's more, but this a good start and don't want to be overwhelmed.

Prayer Journal Entry

 I came upon my prayer journal from a few years ago. Sometimes I peruse through these journals and remember vaguely or distinctly that time period. I felt like through my writing and processing it was hard. There were definitely ebbs and flows, and I feel that's true for a melancholy temperament, but also life! 

In this particular entry, it was late January 2022. There was a lot of growth and coming out of a hard 2021, and still feeling isolated from Covid, transitioning still with my sweet sister moved out late summer 2020, but in person classes for my job had been back in session for a good while. There was also a business of wedding season and being a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding and then later my sister's. Additionally, my Masters program was constantly demanding. 

I felt quite alone in my thoughts at my job. Inspiration wasn't always a flow, and some days were harder mentally than others. Those memories of being in that classroom from most of the school year prior were becoming more distant yet were so personal and raw. 

Here is some of what I wrote in that entry:

"Keep my focus on you, my joy on you, and to be in the present moment, for that is where you are, as well as your gifts and graces. I have been given so much, and it all bestows your love and generosity. I have to trust that you know me and know what's best for me now. 

But I believe you really are preparing me for something, something that you have planned for me and I'm meant to do. Who knows what, how, when, but you do, and I can hope, rest and trust in that."

A Holy Thursday Reflection

 *I wrote this in my notebook on Good Friday.

It was a moving and touching Holy Thursday Mass and Good Friday Service. Just to try and be able to comprehend Jesus' suffering willingly made me emotional and brought tears to my eyes. And while on my walk, thinking of Jesus' age, 33- the same age as me! What profound mystery, contemplation, and spiritual connection.

Seeing the apartments (near the school I used to work at) built and ready, they look so different than when they were being constructed and built in the Fall. So too, time has passed and things have changed. I have grown.

The school buildings (near where I live, and Elementary School I went to) look so different as well, more like new classrooms. Growth, building, purpose. 

I remember last year's Holy Thursday, parking in front of the Catholic school because the parking lot and other areas were full. I parked right next to a St. Joseph statue, I remember I felt worn out and very annoyed with a student from that day and just over the school year. I was applying and praying for a teaching job. 

When I did work at the Catholic School just 5 months later, and I would be walking back from Mass with my class, I saw that same St. Jospeh statue in front of the school, and each time I'd think of that Holy Thursday. 

God had surely answered my desires and prayers for a teaching job. 

Finding Russian

 I brought my Russian flashcards. I may study them. I cannot seem to find my Russian notebook I've been using for at least 2 years. I've looked everywhere I've thought it could be. I used it to write down new words, phrases and also information from my Russian course last spring.

So, I'm starting over.

It's been a while since I've sat down and studied and reviewed Russian. Maybe also because I have been focusing on German, my notes, and my course. 

I have been invigorated by Russian studying and know it's not completely gone; it's just has been on the backburner. 

Why not start today? 

Why not during this Easter season? 

That's one of my goals anyway, to get back into Russian and maybe learn a prayer. 

Also, in German. 

The possibilities seem endless!