Teaching Ponderings

 I was looking through my journal last night prior to writing in it. I have a few different journals, but this one is my 'prayer' journal that I write in from time to time. There were things on my mind and heart I wanted to process through writing and praying, and the extent of the busyness and to dos of the week got to me, only did I realize towards the end of the week how things had caught up to me and added up.

 I can see more and more the intentionality behind Advent as a purposeful time to slow down but also to carve out space and quiet, to ponder and prepare for Christ's birth. The journal entry I wrote was one year ago, the last days of Advent. And it so happened to be the last day of school before break. I remember that was an interesting day- it was loud, chaotic, a half day but also just felt ready to close the semester out. I felt an uncertainty of what would come next but also a questioning of purpose and direction. I was thinking about teaching but wasn't quite there yet in terms of confidence and certainty. I felt there were waves in the water, and the waves gave way to motion, unknown, and slippering doubt just like St. Peter walking on water. 

It started with a conversation with my sister. There we were near her Christmas tree after her kids were settling down into bedtime. Teaching came up and knowing her background and story with it was interesting to hear her thoughts, opinions and real honesty and her struggles with it too. Somehow, I wasn't so certain if I would feel the same way or have the same experience.

Of course, I never really taught before- only managed a classroom for an after-school summer program after college for 3 months and that was one reason why I felt it wasn't a good fit for me. That had been 6 in a half years prior. And then also being in a classroom for the past 5 years, but more observing and in the background. 

While my sister and I were taking on her couch that cozy evening, I felt that the Holy Spirit gave me a nudge or something that was noticeable enough in my heart that maybe it wasn't a full no for teaching, but something that I would just have to be more open to. Yes, everyone has their own experience and journey, but I had to also know what mine would be like, since it may very well be different than my sister or other siblings. The thought could definitely terrify me, but staying far away from it didn't help me get any closer to knowing my answer. 

In my journal that night I wrote, "....Thinking a lot about my job and what's next- credential and teaching feels like a big question and Elisabeth is right, it's not the best fit for us as we're highly sensitive introverts, and its just so much work. I don't really know my calling, my vocational career. But I trust that you (Jesus) have a plan for me." 

Now looking back now this a year later, after finishing my first semester teaching and taking over for a teacher while on maternity leave really showed me God's provision and plan. To just taking one step at a time was all that was necessary in the waiting, in the unknown and dark and in the desires unfold and direction to become clearer. 

I am so grateful for this journey and be guided and listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.