Thoughts of El Salvador

 It's been over a month now that I've been back from El Salvador. It was my second time going to this beautiful, tropical, busy, friendly-cultured country. These are just some of the words that I would use to describe this central American country, where my sister and brother-in-law were married.

I noticed a lot more things this time around than I did when I went 10 years ago, which was a much quicker trip. The friendly hospitality, the warmth of people, family and service centered, the hot humidity, thunderstorms and rain at night, delicious food and thirst-quenching fruit drinks. 

The pace of life also feels different. It felt pretty exhausting for me with the busyness of the side roads and a lot to look at, people's jobs and livelihoods with fruit stands and other merchandise by a busy road, the heat and always sweating, the roadways can get winding and bumpy and various cars and trucks with people standing on the back of them. 

Life also feels simpler. There is less to distract and focus on. In America, we have so many options, choices, and opportunities. Our weather (at least in California) is pretty mild, we have distinct seasons and have an abundance of it feels like everything. Yes, there are blessings and opportunities, but we are also very spoiled.

 It's a different perspective seeing how people work, thrive, share, express their time and talents, simply put, a very different culture. You certainly get to know your own culture a lot better when you live in another one. It opens your eyes and you see and appreciate things differently on both sides. 

There is more to share and ponder. But this is what I was able to write with my tired brain tonight. 

Happy Birthday, Blog!

 Yesterday was the Assumption of Mary. Yesterday was also the 10th anniversary of my blog! I started this blog 10 years ago in hopes of forming and creating some sort of inspiration and goals for myself. I felt a strong sense of loneliness and isolation in where I was at. I hadn't written in blog form for a while and the one I did have for 3 in a half years fizzled out as I felt I had outgrown that season and journey. 

Sometimes a blog you start sticks and you feel that connection, motivation and inspiration to keep going. Other times, it falls flat and what you thought would last and be solid runs out of steam and the string becomes like loose threads. I'm so grateful this blog has been the former. I have shared so many seasons and experiences on here. 

10 years is a good and long chunk of time. So much I feel has happened since then. When I started writing in here, I was still an undergrad student! The journey continued from finishing college, to navigating jobs and the valleys of my 20's, discerning next steps and being a grad student, to 3 in a half years later graduating with my MLIS, to seasons of figuring out next steps in jobs, career goals, forming friendships, community, family reunion and events, dating, reading books, pursuing my faith, learning languages and pursuing creative endeavors, to all the various events and milestones in between. 

Samakti has grown and shaped me and luckily has become so much more than what I had thought or envisioned it would be for me. It felt like a shot in the dark to start this blog after feelings of inspiration and a quick trip to El Salvador for my sister and brother in law's wedding. (And to have recently been there a few weeks ago for their 10-year wedding anniversary!) 

I hope to continue this journey of writing, exploring, inspiration and sharing. It has kept me motivated and encouraged, another way of sharing my writing and savoring memories that I would may not have written down otherwise or had completely forgotten altogether. 

A Book Inspired By My Teacher

 As I was on my evening walk a few weeks ago, basking in the last rays of sunlight and embracing the summer twilight, I had a bounce in my step. I had found some pretty cool books from little free libraries, and ones I hadn't recognized that they were there before. One of them struck my eye. It immediately made me think of my 5th grade teacher. 

She was by far my favorite teacher, not just in elementary school but throughout my K-12 educational career. She's the one who inspired me the most. She encouraged me with continuing to keep up writing my stories, and motivated and welcomed me into a rich world of reading and books. Her passion for reading and books has stuck with me the most. She was also a good teacher, a good leader, and a talented educator. I think she also was my favorite teacher growing up also because I felt seen. 

The book I saw in the little free library was Ink heart. I hadn't read it before, but it came out close to when I was in her 5th grade class. The summer I was going into 6th grade, she had a book club, and the first book on the list was Inkheart. She wanted her former students to continue to read throughout the summer. I don't know why for whatever reason I didn't join her book club, maybe I read some of the books on my own, but I never read Inkheart. So, I knew I had to pick it up and read it, inspired by my 5th grade teacher once I picked it up from the little free library.

I have been having Covid this past week and taking time to read more. I finished Inkheart last night, and I was interested, even intrigued to see how it would end. I'm glad I read it, as its very imaginative and its own story. I don't really know why I've been on this journey of reading children/adolescent books, but it's been a fun adventure this summer, and I would like to write more about it. 

Beautiful Blessings

 I went on a beautiful walk yesterday. The weather was perfect and the magnolia trees were glorious in full bloom. I'm really trying to soak in these summer days. It almost feels like a thread going through my fingers, looking back it has gone by so fast.

I came across this tree again, which I usually do if I'm going this way on my walk. I stopped and noticed that it is in full bloom, as usual during the summer months. I call it the 'raspberry tree' as it looks like the color and shape of raspberries, one of my favorite fruits. 

Almost 2 years ago, I remember I saw this exact same tree, exact location when we went to the park with my sisters and their children and our two nieces. It was a somewhat difficult time for me of transition and figuring out the next steps. My heart and mind had mostly closed off what I studied for my master's degree and charting new paths with another job at a school that I really desired to do again. I had felt at times I was also in a slump after all that the year had brought so far- so much unknown, stress, high anxiety, confusion, and not to mention wrestling with still being single at newly 32 when everyone in my family had children and growing families. The latter would come up off and on, yet be most profound when family would visit.

This type of tree also reminds me a lot of that newly challenging and growing season when my sister moved out almost 6 years ago in mid-August. These trees were in full bloom at the church we would sometimes go to when we switched up the churches we would attend during the pandemic. The trees looked fresh, ripe and at their peak in summer, but a lot of stirring in my heart and mind was going on, a new season all its own, adjustments, change, even growing pains that do turn out to be good and fruitful for us but in the moment and season it can be difficult to know that. 

Yesterday I was counting my blessings. The magnificent and pleasant weather couldn't be beat, listening to calming reflections from one of my favorite speakers Emily Wilson Husseum, finding cool books in little free libraries, my mom making a delicious sweet and sour pork recipe, finding our black kitty at 11pm ready to come inside instead of being out all night. This tree shines in all its beauty this season, and I want to thank God for all of the blessings I have. 

Youthful Adventures

 My memories of her haven't gone to her in years but the other night I seemed to have a dream or at least a remembrance of her. It was somewhat vague, but it involved henna, the lovely, designed tattoo that usually goes on your hands. Somehow it came back to my mind while I was reading and enjoying Malala Yousfzai's new book, 'Finding My Way.'

When I write 'her', it brings me back to my old friend from junior college, Nasira, or Nas as she sometimes called herself. We met on the first day of our Political Science class January 2013. The room was packed and I happened to be sitting way in the back, perhaps even sitting on the carpet. During a break, we somehow started talking and asked each other's majors (she was a Poli Sci major) and I was an English major and would probably emphasis in Literature. At the time, I was thinking about transferring to SF State. We clicked right away and I felt her interesting and inspiring to talk to. 

After the class was over, and we both knew we would be accepted into that crowded class and waitlist, we said goodbye and parted ways. Only a few minutes later did I see her at the bus stop, and we reconnected as I also took the bus. I learned that she was on her way to work- she worked at a clothing store at a nearby shopping mall. 

We sat next to each other on the bus and continued to talk further and we shared having many siblings in common! She a Muslim, I a Catholic, and her detailing her life in Russia growing up. She was Afghan and originally from there but felt more connected to being Russian and the culture as she spent most of her growing up years there. Though she spoke 5 languages, Russian seemed to be her most dominant and comfortable. 

We began to do various things together, as she had the ideas, and was able to get a car. I could drive and was getting more comfortable but didn't have access to a car yet.  I remember her birthday to be in late March, and just two months after meeting and befriending we had lunch out, Haagen-Dazs ice cream and went to a park to celebrate. I found it interesting since she offered to pay for everything after I mentioned to help pay but she disagreed. She said since it was her idea, she would pay! She also called me and thanked me for my birthday card. I thought that it was so different than my past friendships.

I remember one time we decided to go all the way to the city (SF) after school. We took Bart and spent the afternoon there and went shopping at a mall, got dinner and laughed and talked about the various people we knew. We also got lost in the parking garage for a while when we couldn't find her car. Nasira and I were both part of Student Government as Senators. I joined first before I met her, and later on she also joined. 

I feel life became more fun, interesting and dramatic with Nasira. Besides Political Science, we also took a drawing class together (my idea) and an International Relations Political Science class, as well as Volleyball my last semester. She would happily do henna on my hands many a time at school and even on my sisters when she came over to my house, which was a number of times. 

We even got ready together for a formal dance at my house that a contact from student government put on with a lot of us. We enjoyed playing a rendition of ultimate frisbee on Friday afternoons with other student government people. Or the summer I was stressed and working at In-N-Out and we stayed up late and tried to watch a meteor shower with her sister, our mutual friend and my sister. And two years prior was when she went with two of my sisters and I. 

However, like many friendships do, I felt our friendship starting to fizzle out a year or so after I graduated from Junior College. I think it was more me, as I graduated sooner to transfer to university than she did, we had less in common, and I felt I became more serious. 

I felt a shift as I was going to a new school and didn't know anyone, and more an emphasis on my catholic faith. I started going to daily Mass and increase my prayer life and I saw huge shifts in how I spent my time, and the people I would spend it with. Ultimately, I felt that I had a lot more grace and an awareness of it in my life. 

Our priorities and lifestyles were different and that didn't seem to be a noticeable thing when we were in Junor College together. I just felt we were growing apart in our own ways, on our own unique and beautiful paths. Deep down, I truly believed we met and had our friendship for a specific purpose and time, even if she didn't hold that same belief.

Looking back, I'm so grateful for our time together, the memories, the excursions, laughs, and inside jokes. It was a very youthful time in our early 20's navigating college and the world at our fingertips. We learned from each other, and I think helped one another in our own ways. We had different stories and life experiences, opposite personalities and energies, different faiths but respected one another's. I'm grateful to God for putting her in my life at that special and pivotal time. 

Classroom Set Up

 Having my mom help me set up my classroom has been a real treasure. After working there for 6 months- the last half of the school year, I have created my own set of memories and associations. It was a busy and juggling time to navigate a lot more than just a new classroom, new school, new grade, new students, parents, colleagues, and culture to name a few. There was a ton of sifting through my head and processing all that had led and prepared me. 

I'm reminded when I helped my mom decorate her classroom when she was a master's student and student teaching. I was in late middle school, and I drew posters for her to put up in her college classroom which was very dull and drab. I remember one I drew was of a rose and connecting it with life's journey. My mom told me that a student admired and commented on the nice poster drawings to help build a more inspiring environment. 

My mom has been so helpful and comforting to have as I start to set up my classroom and truly make it my own for the first time. I've gotten to share more with her and paint more of a picture, and also for her to meet some of my colleagues who have been around here and there this summer.  For this past first year of teaching, the classrooms were already set up (which was kind of nice and helped me to focus on other things I needed to plan for), but I feel I'm ready this time around and have my own ideas and style to make it feel more like me. 

A school year is a long time, a lot happens. I felt that the spring semester at my new school went by very fast. Most of the days and weeks flew by. I would look back and wonder where had the time gone? I felt that the Fall semester at my first school was quite slower and took time to make it to some milestones (Labor Day, Halloween, Conferences, Thanksgiving Break). Maybe also since it was my first classroom teaching experience and everything was so new and what to expect.

 It has gotten a little easier, and I felt some things I have tackled a bit better with my second school, classroom management to name one, and having a better rewards system. I'm still getting acclimated to the curriculum, naturally, but that I'm sure that too gets easier and more comfortable overtime. 

Her Birthday Cards

 I find it interesting yet meaningful that when I read my dear sister's birthday card and opened up her gifts, it was in a loud and busy environment. It's something that wasn't too surprising for me as it brought back some memories of that hectic environment when I used to work there (same chain restaurant, different location.) 

It was meaningful because her presence and gifts are always so special and meaningful to me; her words capturing our sisterly love and deep relationship always makes me misty-eyed. The environment put me right back into my old workplace that I had only worked in for a few weeks over 10 summers ago. The well-known fast-food restaurant that is always noisy, chaotic and popular wasn't a good fit for me then, yet simply being back was special as well as for my other sweet sister who was visiting from out of town.

What's interesting is that time seemed to stop, despite the clamorous surrounding environment as I read my dear sister's beautiful, loving, affirming and comforting words. Tears quite easily streamed down my eyes and face, not out of sadness but of sheer joy, appreciation and gratitude. She always picks out the sweetest cards, thoughtful and lovely, speaking to the core of who you are and how she relates and knows you.

I have kept up the birthday card she wrote and gave me last year. 33 was such a precious and special year, our quick time together over muffins, pastry and coffee (in Petaluma on the way to meet up with out other sister), so she could gift me her birthday gifts. And this year, I have also put up her lovely birthday card- one speaking of elegance and prettiness of a three-tiered pink birthday cake wrapped in flower decor with elegant cursive 'sister' written above. Sister, a word that we have commonly used in other languages we've been studying- hermana, jie, schwester, cectpa, soeur. 

With all the commotion going on around us at the fast-food restaurant, there was simplicity and a sense of calmness and silence as I read her descriptive and gracious words and opened up her generous gifts. Something so ordinary, like eating at a fast-food chain I had used to work at, yet so meaningful and profound. 

We were embracing our soul sisterhood friendship, celebrating another year of life for me, and visiting and remembering close to our hearts her dear son who had passed way 6 years prior.

 It was nothing short of a gift. 

Sweet Sister Opposites

 Having my sweet sister with me on my birthday was a real treat. It was so special and memorable!

We haven't seen each other for a year but have been in contact from time to time throughout the school year. She is also a teacher! So, there is a lot to update, connect and catch up on.

We have some similarities, but we are also opposites. Where I am reserved, she is loud and talkative. Where I am more talkative, she listens and makes me laugh. Where I love thrifting and am naturally a spender, she enjoys seeing what I bought and commenting. The other morning, when I was wearing what I bought, she said 'That is so Colleen'. 

Where she is stronger headed and determined, I am slower and a thinker. Where her birthday is the beginning of winter, mine is the beginning of summer. Where I am a cat lover, she is also, and laughs at my intensity and silliness of loving our cats a little too much. 

Where I often leave my hair wavy curly, she blows dry her hair straight. She did blow dry my hair sleek and straight the night before my birthday!

I am working at the school where she went for Elementary School. 

We are 11.5 years apart. We have the same Alma Mater.

Book Day

 

My sister and I browsing (Vintage) books during our sister weekend in Davis

I realized the other day that it was a book day. From visiting the MLK SJSU Library and browsing some of its shelves, to donating my books at my local bookstore and then browsing the aisles while waiting for my name to be called for some small reimbursement (any amount of money is nice!) and buying a few cherished items right after.

Later in the day, I went to my public library, dropped off overdue books and then picked up books waiting for me.

It truly was an unplanned for book day, and one that I was happy and inspired about. Books are my love language- the written word, ideas, stories, adventures and perspectives. They are also gifts I love to give and share. 

Summer is the time for enjoying the slower days, and reading a good book (or more) is a treasure. 

Clean, Cleaning, Unclean

'I do will it. Be made clean.' The Gospel reading on my birthday struck me, not just because of the beautiful miracle and the leper's faith and humility, but also the word 'clean' has been my word for this year of 2026. 

It has cropped up in different ways over these past few months. And this past week alone was a week of cleaning and cleanliness. I had been cleaning a lot, decluttering the typical and usual spaces, but also my room that was desperately in need of organizing and vacuuming. And my humble and useful car for the past 10 years needed some love with washing and vacuuming for my dear sisters to ride in during our special sister weekend without all the messes, crumbs and dirtiness these weeks have brought.

 I realized how long it has been to vacuum these spaces and actually attend to cleaning it and noticing the effects, and especially the aftereffects of feeling relaxed, happy, accomplished and peaceful about it. Clean and unclean I have seen and read a lot in scripture and how it deals with not just physically and health, but also spiritually.

Jesus, help me to be clean from sin. Help me to see the areas where I need to be healed and be made clean. 

Strawberry Year

 I had to take a picture of this dress while I was shopping today. It describes the start to my new year, - my 34th year on this beautiful earth. I somehow in varying ways have depicted this year to be a strawberry year, filled with meaning and symbolism, sweetness, strength and fruits for this wonderful and blessed year ahead. 

When my sweet sister treated me to Starbucks on my birthday morning after going to Mass together, I order my usual drink- Hot Cafe Latte with a pump of Vanilla, and something new- strawberry matcha bread, it was super delicious! 

When my parents, my sweet sister who was visiting and I went out to a lovely brunch in town, the free dessert on your birthday came- it was strawberry cheesecake. Yum!

The birthday cake I chose and wanted for my birthday that was totally different than I've done in other years, was from a cute little French and Korean inspired cafe, and I wanted a strawberry cake. It was so good, delicious and light. 

When we came home from our lovely and very special and fun sister weekend in Davis, I dropped off my sister at her house. Beautiful to see her home, her cute and beautiful kids for a bit. One of her children was eating a little piece of basil and then gave me an eaten strawberry and put it in my hands. It wasn't until later that I realized all these connections to strawberries!

I looked up meanings and symbolisms, especially Christian meanings and I found some profound things. Some of the meanings that stood out to me the most are sweetness of God's love, the fruit of the spirit, the Passion of Christ, and the Virgin Mary and her virtue and humility. 

Our Lady of Guadalupe Behind Me

 I think Our Lady, specifically, Our Lady of Guadalupe has been guiding and protecting me this year. It's my first year of teaching, and I don't doubt Our Lady of Guadalupe's love and help. 

Back in August, for my training days, the new teachers and I from my school took a photo in front of an Our Lady of Guadalupe image. I thought it was a powerful and beautiful meaning looking back now. 

I can remember back to her glorious feast day on December 12th. We had a school Mass and I was anxiously praying for what was to come, the transition of my position and filling in for another teacher, or so I thought. I was also praying to our Lady, while looking at her beautiful statue display with St. Juan Diego and the colorful roses.

During lunch, I had an intuition that if I were to go into the lunchroom, I would encounter the teacher I would be covering for come January and hear more about my assignment. Lo and behold, she came up to me when I entered the room. She told me that her surgery was postponed and wouldn't be until March, and she was sorry about that. 

So basically, it changed everything, the whole plan of me staying there. I had to process the news and let it sift through my mind, my heart and be open to the next step. In the later afternoon, I taught my students about Our Lady of Guadalupe. I showed them the prayer card of her in my wallet from Mexico City, a bracelet and also rosary bracelet I was wearing. Sharing about her story, Juan Diego, the miracle of the roses and the tilma and all the various meanings on her image was intriguing for them. 

Just two weeks ago or so, I taught my students at my new school about Our Lady of Fatima. I also shared about Our Lady of Guadalupe, as I had a picture of her on one of my boards in my class. I shared with them the jewelry I was wearing- I happened to be wearing 3 bracelets with her image on them that day! They were excited and in awe of the connections, just as I was. My favorite bracelet- the beautiful rosary bracelet from my sister, her handmade dark green bracelet with Our Lady of Guadalupe on it as well, and the blue bracelet with her image from El Salvador. 

On Friday, I felt weary, exhausted and depleted. So much to process and mentally rejuvenate from. I went to the chapel to pray for a while, and as I was leaving, I remembered that the Our Lady of Guadalupe image was behind me.

I see her heling hand and prayers with me throughout this teaching year, and all the hurdles, transitions, joys and hard parts. She is always with us. She loves us and helps us be closer to Jesus. 

A Diploma With a Story

 Two years ago, I graduated with my master's in library science. I didn't know what I would do with this degree at the time, but what I did know, was that I would need some time to decompress, process, and embrace this new season. What was in store, what was supposed to take place, how was I supposed to use my education and experience? How was I supposed to heal from all the hard experiences prior, and all the achievements along the way, the fortitude, the long journey? It was exciting, yet also daunting and filled with uncertainty. 

I have had my diploma framed and hung up on my wall for a while. Recently, it fell off, so I took it down temporarily. I was looking at it and reflecting upon that time more. 

Ultimately, God led my steps little by little. He led me through my intuition and desires, my talents and interests.

I don't forget that time. I don't forget my graduation day, and all the grit, focus and sacrifices it took to get there. It was a challenge I needed, even if I didn't know all the details and steps post-graduation.

 I wouldn't be where I am and doing what I am today, I don't think, if I didn't go through that unique and personal journey that worked out well for that specific time. It felt mysterious at the time, but overtime it hasn't felt so, but more revealing God's plan. 

A Gracious Week

 There were some sweet and special things this week. A student gifted me a bracelet, well, she put it on my wrist and told me to keep it until the next day. And then it was until the next day, the next, and then the weekend. Working with young children truly shows me their innocence and sense of giving and love. Unlike adults, we have our attachments. Children give without counting the cost. 

This same student while we were in the church was asking different questions, it was the feast day of Our Lady of Fatima and she was asking about the statue in the altar. I was also telling her about the different details on the altar- the red candle, the cross, the tabernacle, the phrase- 'I am the Resurrection and the Life' in Latin. 

I loved her inquisitiveness. I loved that I was able to have more personal time to explain these things to her, while other students were focused and distracted on the set up of the event; it was sweet and special to share more information about our faith, about the church. 

Another student gave me a beautiful pink flower in a vase (not sure if it's a peony or another flower) just because. 

I was pleasantly surprised to receive a thoughtful card from my Aunt with a gift card for teacher appreciation week. 

Swimming with my mom

Making it to Mass in the early morning and still able to receive holy communion, going to confession and adoration and then picking up and finding wonderful books to read at the public library.

Not feeling so stressed and overwhelmed this past week. 

Receiving a kind email from a parent, showing empathy and consideration about me starting a new school, having new students and environment right at the middle of the school year. 

Finishing a book

Sharing with my students about Our Lady of Fatima, and St. Pope John Paul II being protected by Our Lady on her feast day (May 13) over 60 years later. 

Sharing with my students about the Ascension of Jesus. 

Celebrating my nieces and nephew birthday, their birthday party in San Rafael near the peaceful water.

A Shirt Turned Inspiration

 This shirt has been saved for a creative endeavor. I wasn't exactly sure what I'd do with it but somehow the possibilities would come to me. I needed to recreate the memories. The memories and associations to be honest, were often quite hard for me. I wanted to do something with this pain.

The last and only time I wore it was for our family reunion.

It was red.

It was hot.

It was special, yet exhausting.

It was distinct, hard, and stretching my interior.

I felt that I didn't have a purpose, somehow so many discouragements and lies were at me. Comparison to my siblings' lives and how mine looks was rampant. 

I needed to recreate some of my associations and memories and make something beautiful and creative out of them.

I realized my purpose, and God's plan for me at that time was to be of help, service and available for my sister and her family. She had gotten sick and needed some medical attention and later surgery. God also whispered this to me recently of my purpose. God's plans are mysterious but profound.

So, this was the recreation of my t-shirt. That red, sweaty t-shirt no longer looked and felt depleted from the sun and my energy, but God's grace. And I painted it. The paint oozing out never felt so good, like covering up the crumbs with buttercream frosting, hoping none of it will show. 

I wrote it all in German.

It's my sister and my 'sister's' or schwester' language we like to play along in, if only a few words!

A language I have learned, stop, relearned, put away, and then only to pick up once again. It has been my first foreign language I decided to learn on my own when I was newly 21. 

My dear sister put up the German word for 'hello' on the creative board she made for me for my 30th, straight from my old blog.

It's a part of me, it's part of my blood and heritage, if only somewhat distant. 

This shirt is a part of me, having my last name on the back. With every thread woven into my story. It's so much more than just the red shirt for that July day.

 God's plan and purpose always come out to be purposeful, meaningful, peaceful and beautiful. 

A Journal, God Writes

 I happened to think about that time, though it has felt quite longer. The distance has spanned much greater, as well as the growth. But when I do recall and think about it, it feels all so much closer, rawer, realistic, yet also special. I would never call or describe that time as special, but it was, it really was looking back now. 

I found my notebook, the one I used religiously for notetaking, reminders, yet more importantly, I used it for my own inspiration and dare I say, sanity at my job. Yes, having that near me was more than helpful (it did help me look busy), but it also helped me have some purpose, mindset, and goals. It could feel like a little light in the darkness that I was experiencing. 

Most days I didn't have a ton to do and that was hard, really hard. It felt like a kind of surrender. There was a lot of stretching and growing, even in small and slow ways that I couldn't exactly see or always feel at the time. I felt in isolation, but around people, yet stuck in my thoughts, my interests, my desires. 

I would come up with my own inspiration. I would muse up a schedule in my head to keep me inspired and encouraged, purely out of desperation and possibly transformation. My schedule I formed came from a need that I felt already in the beginning of the school year. I didn't really feel connected to the students, the school or really the staff, and it was hard not to compare to my other school where I overall enjoyed it more. It felt quite opposite.

So, my schedule in my head was linking a certain saint with a class/class period. So then throughout the whole day, from walking to each class, and being in a classroom with a teacher and a set of students, I could think about and pray to those saints. I kept this little schedule in my mind for the whole year, and it increased my awareness of my faith and the saints throughout the workday. 

1st period: St. John Paul II

2nd period: St. Therese of Lisieux

3rd period: St. Padre Pio

4th period: St. Mother Teresa

5th period: St. Gianna Molla and Servant of God/V. Chiara Corbello Petrillo

6th period: St. Josemaria and St. Don Alvaro 

Now, there were certain reasons of inspiration that came up of why I chose these saints for these class periods, but maybe I'll share that for another time. 

As I said earlier, I found the notebook I was using at work throughout the school year. And looking back on it, brought back so many memories and distinct feelings. 

I was having a rough time in the Fall specifically, and still adjusting, When I went to a teacher's classroom for about 20 mins, as it was a support time for students, I would check in with a student. Sometimes I was able to help her out and other times there wasn't much for me to do. 

That teacher's classroom though was inspiring and uplifting. It was better to be in there for a bit than the main classroom I was in, there was a light and warmth. Not to mention, the view from that second story angle was beautiful with Mount Diablo. 

That teacher had a quote that stuck with me, so I wrote it down in my notebook. "If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you. Do something amazing."

That got me thinking, since what I was doing wasn't challenging. I also thought of that teacher, since it was her first-year teaching and she said she needed a challenge and wanted to do something more after being an Aid. That was inspiring to me. 

Just the other day, as I left work early due to feeling under the weather, I passed by the beautiful white flowers that I would always see and pass by on my way to work last year. What a full circle, so much growth, grace, perspective only God could write. 

Retracing Goals

 I feel I've lost some of my sense of goals from New Years. The year has really taken its own spin of semi constant motion. And with Earth Day this past week, the rain, there's only remotely been a slow down to reflect and recollect. Given that there are only about 30 days left in the school year, the challenge is stay focused, engaged, but also motivated. It's important to take time to rejuvenate and recollect. 

There have been many days of where it's hard to be and stay inspired. Or I don't always feel like myself, or I forget my goals and pursuits.

I think one of the main things to instill this recharge of inspiration is less or no social media use and prayer and silence. That feels the most inspiring, and during the Lenten season that's what I did. There was so much fruit coming from it and I know God blesses that. 

As my sister and I have talked about, goals are so important and even crucial. They are essential because they are a life force and speak on purpose, motivation and inspiration. 

So, some goals I have for myself:

-Continue to study German

-Continue to study and review Russian

-Read the book of Romans, Isaiah, and the Psalms in the Bible

-Learn and memorize a prayer in a foreign language (Russian, German or Chinese)

-Paint

-Craft/Knit

-Write creatively (short story)

I'm sure there's more, but this a good start and don't want to be overwhelmed.

Prayer Journal Entry

 I came upon my prayer journal from a few years ago. Sometimes I peruse through these journals and remember vaguely or distinctly that time period. I felt like through my writing and processing it was hard. There were definitely ebbs and flows, and I feel that's true for a melancholy temperament, but also life! 

In this particular entry, it was late January 2022. There was a lot of growth and coming out of a hard 2021, and still feeling isolated from Covid, transitioning still with my sweet sister moved out late summer 2020, but in person classes for my job had been back in session for a good while. There was also a business of wedding season and being a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding and then later my sister's. Additionally, my Masters program was constantly demanding. 

I felt quite alone in my thoughts at my job. Inspiration wasn't always a flow, and some days were harder mentally than others. Those memories of being in that classroom from most of the school year prior were becoming more distant yet were so personal and raw. 

Here is some of what I wrote in that entry:

"Keep my focus on you, my joy on you, and to be in the present moment, for that is where you are, as well as your gifts and graces. I have been given so much, and it all bestows your love and generosity. I have to trust that you know me and know what's best for me now. 

But I believe you really are preparing me for something, something that you have planned for me and I'm meant to do. Who knows what, how, when, but you do, and I can hope, rest and trust in that."

A Holy Thursday Reflection

 *I wrote this in my notebook on Good Friday.

It was a moving and touching Holy Thursday Mass and Good Friday Service. Just to try and be able to comprehend Jesus' suffering willingly made me emotional and brought tears to my eyes. And while on my walk, thinking of Jesus' age, 33- the same age as me! What profound mystery, contemplation, and spiritual connection.

Seeing the apartments (near the school I used to work at) built and ready, they look so different than when they were being constructed and built in the Fall. So too, time has passed and things have changed. I have grown.

The school buildings (near where I live, and Elementary School I went to) look so different as well, more like new classrooms. Growth, building, purpose. 

I remember last year's Holy Thursday, parking in front of the Catholic school because the parking lot and other areas were full. I parked right next to a St. Joseph statue, I remember I felt worn out and very annoyed with a student from that day and just over the school year. I was applying and praying for a teaching job. 

When I did work at the Catholic School just 5 months later, and I would be walking back from Mass with my class, I saw that same St. Jospeh statue in front of the school, and each time I'd think of that Holy Thursday. 

God had surely answered my desires and prayers for a teaching job. 

Finding Russian

 I brought my Russian flashcards. I may study them. I cannot seem to find my Russian notebook I've been using for at least 2 years. I've looked everywhere I've thought it could be. I used it to write down new words, phrases and also information from my Russian course last spring.

So, I'm starting over.

It's been a while since I've sat down and studied and reviewed Russian. Maybe also because I have been focusing on German, my notes, and my course. 

I have been invigorated by Russian studying and know it's not completely gone; it's just has been on the backburner. 

Why not start today? 

Why not during this Easter season? 

That's one of my goals anyway, to get back into Russian and maybe learn a prayer. 

Also, in German. 

The possibilities seem endless!

Cherry Blossoms and Nighttime in D.C.

 

That picture from July 2023 in D.C. I came across it recently. 

I was...

sweaty and sticky from the humidity. 

inspired and excited to be visiting a new place (well, after only been there once 11 years prior)

interested in history and reminded me of the high school class I was in at my job, relearning about US history and enjoying it!

inspired to see the monuments at nighttime

studying Korean that summer, as a new language endeavor

looking into internships and would have another interview late July.

healing from a guy who was uncommunicative after 4 dates, and I thought it could lead to something.

figuring our friends and potential friendships.

writing and bought a cherry blossom notebook

reminiscing and processing busy and hectic school year and semester, with some nostalgia.

really enjoying the site seeing, history, museums, beauty of the area. 

taking in the various excursions and special quality time with my sister and her family.

sleeping in until 9am easily while staying over at my sister and her family's house

starting another year (31!) and wondering what it would entail

last two semesters of Library Science and thinking and questioning next steps. 

thinking maybe I missed the right guy for me

desiring for marriage

got into the hit TV show, The Chosen from my sister and nieces

Easter Is...

 Easter is waking up a bit earlier, walking with your mom to Mass, and feeling like the disciples who were walking on the road to Emmaus. 

Easter feels like taking in a breath of fresh air and enjoying the scenery, plants, food and coffee you're having for breakfast while reflecting on the priest's homily. 

Easter feels like slowing down. It is taking in the beauty and gratitude of life.

 When I was on my way to the Easter Vigil last week, waling rather quickly in order to get a good seat, there was a lady who was walking behind me. I saw some roses as I was walking and thought to myself it would be nice to smell the roses (and slow down), but I didn't. Instead, she did and said, "nice to slow down and smell the roses." What a premonition, and nice thing to do and remember. 

Easter is reflecting on Christ's Passion, and the glory of His Resurrection and the mystery of it all, the magnitude and sheer love of it all. Hope, joy and peace all wrapped together. 

Saints Along the Way

 I was thinking of some saints who reminded me of somethings during my trip to Monterey and Carmel.

-St. Joseph: Helping us find parking spaces for our car, at least 3 times!

-St. Josemaria: Watching the ducks swimming in the pond, it reminded of his metaphor of ducks.

-St. Maria Faustina: Seeing the ocean, in its beauty and vastness, reminds me of comparison to God's infinite mercy, stated from her diary. 

-St. Junipero Serra: San Carlos Cathedral and Mission Carmel

-St. Therese of Lisieux: Ordering and eating a vanilla eclair from a French bakery...hmmm delicious!

-St. Mother Teresa: Reading a book about her

-The disciples on the road to Emmaus: Heard this Gospel at Mass and my mom and I were like them, walking together to go to Mass in beautiful Monterey. 

Weekend Refreshment Revealed

 Once I left the building and the doors closed behind me, I could finally think. I was very much ready for a reprieve from the week. I knew I had to get to my happy place, so I decided to get there sooner than later. Upon entering my warm car Friday afternoon, (and what felt like a long time ago from parking that morning) I took a breath and scurried on over to a more relaxing place. I couldn't quite relax on the way, as I had all the thoughts, feelings, conversations and emotions circling in my head from the day. It felt like a big, knitted mess to process. It had been another challenging and exhausting day, as I just had one the day before. Not to mention a busier and fuller week- testing an incoming student for my class next year, another parent meeting, tutoring, staff meeting, among my own pursuits like swimming with mom and then rushing over to confession (and waiting a very long time.)

I'm glad I left when I did to make it to my happy place, there was less traffic than if I left later. I knew things were waiting for me to pick up, and also maybe I would browse a little. I was on these same roads that early morning, headed, rather rushing to Mass when it was still dark. Maybe I pushed myself a little too much with waking up before the crack of dawn? But most days it worked out well. And 100% of the time it was worth it. 

I parked. I felt ready to enter in, and slowly already the weight of the day and the week was starting to dissipate. To my surprise, and joy, all my books had been waiting for me to pick up. And to my slight embarrassment, I had just picked up a similar number of books a week ago (they must think I'm crazy, I thought), to which the lady with the disheveled hair said in a somewhat annoyed, yet only partially encouraging tone, 'You have a lot of reading to do.' I asked if I could get a bag, as there was no way I would be able to carry all these books on my own. She was able to pull out a bag that looked like the shape of a football all wrapped up (her words, not mine) and then came across one that was cleaner and didn't want to give me a dirty one. I smiled upon that as I thought the way she said it was funny, and thoughtful (I think that was the first genuine smile I gave all day, I thought). 

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Driving past those green hills never felt more relaxing, refreshing and freeing. It's not very common to see such wide amounts of land, green that is, and with cows and sheep grazing on it. I hadn't been near there in a long while, but I remember growing up, every summer we would enjoy our excursion of fruit picking and would pass by those mountainous, lush hills. Being out in nature is important and does something to you, it can revile and awaken you to God's beauty. It's a refreshment that we often forget about.

Seeing my brother and his son was uplifting, and later my sister-in-law. Being at their new house and neighborhood, and just seeing in a different area, on a different schedule, someone else's life was a breath of fresh air. Eating his crepes that he made the night before, a coffee like protein shake drink that was delicious and refreshing as well as chicken strips from Costco, not to mention those sea salt chips that Dominic wanted and kept trying to get them off my plate with his two-year-old avocado lover hands. Talking to my brother about books, and recommending some in case he's interested, writing, genres, language and family.

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I was mixing the ingredients this morning before anyone was awake. Stirring the flour and cinnamon contents and then the egg. I don't usually make breakfast, but something inspired me to and wanted to continue using my sister's pancake mix she put together. Navidad wasn't outside, though he was outside all night. He would usually be at the door by now and listen to his name with a gentle prance across the grass or already be near the flowers in the front. Luckily, my mom saw that he was in the car. He must have gone in last night when the car door was still open. Good thing he was okay, trapped with not much air flow, but out of harm's way. His expression looked a bit scared, and putting his paws on the window, but no meows. Such a quiet and curious kitty. 

Palm Sunday Mass, spiritual and meaningful. Was able to get a good seat, a simple palm after the Mass started and receive a good message from the Pastor from his homily. 

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I've been meaning to use up the rest of my gift card and shop, especially for spring clothes now that it's been warmer. Somedays I don't really know what to wear. Of course, the parking was super crowded, and it was warm outside, and of course I went a lot over my gift card. I happened to park a short walk away. Parking where I did always remind me of that Starbucks that used to be there (I could envision seeing my past self there through the window, the spot I always liked.) I would read, write down notes/quotations, and language study (mostly Arabic at the time) and have quality time with my sisters or my mom. 

Walking to and from the store felt more relaxing and slowed down time. I could also focus more on details and my surroundings in the midst of many cars and traffic. If I could, I would walk a lot more to places, there are so many benefits. 

Swimming in Sharp Blue Water

 Lying down on the cool, green grass never felt so relaxing. It was a Sunday and gearing up for another week never felt so necessary. I decided going for a swim would do the trick. It was still summer, though late, and although it was nearly fall technically, the summer heat and sunshine fooled. Splashing and soaking into the chlorine water never felt so good and inviting. 

It was daunting thinking of another week, demanding, busy, exhausting...Was I ready? Lying on the soothing grass helped me melt all my concerns from the week prior and into the new week away. It felt firm, but soft.

 Collapsing into the chlorine waves, and lukewarm water chilled away any stress. I would go underneath the water, blowing bubbles as I held my breath like I did when I was just learning how to swim as a young girl. It looked like sheer glass up above, with the large green trees and cerulean sky, the crisp, tangerine sun shining through. I could relax and breathe (well, not actually breathe), but I felt like I was decompressing. 

There was beauty to this moment, and I was taking it all in, especially the last days of summer and still able to swim later in the afternoon. I was grateful to soak up the silence, stillness and nature before the week shouted at me for demands, noise and a good (over)dose of stimulation. 

When I swam indoors only on occasion during these winter months, the memories of those September swims came back to me. They were fun, rejuvenating and challenged me to get back into swimming. It also was nice to think that I did survive those weeks- and they were just the beginning of the school year, as busy and hectic as they were.

Swimming and jumping into the glassy water remind me of a book I'm (re)reading. She's a swimmer, a determined one, and in the beginning its because of her dad, who's also her coach. But as the years go by, she is set to practice and train for the Olympics. Her journey to Europe (Germany) as a refugee also has some part of it when her and her sister help save the boat going across to Turkey from Syria when they swim across while helping support the fellow passengers fleeing from Syria as well. 

Reading this book the first time made me so inspired by her story, by swimming, by her determination. I also really like learning about refugee stories. Also, I requested to read it again because she eventually goes to and lives in Germany with her sister and later her younger sister and parents are able to come. She has to learn the language (as I am doing currently), and its inspiring for me with culture and language. 

I plan to swim another time this month. It will be a good challenge, a way to decompress, be immersed in the water, silence, my own thoughts and among other lap swimmers. Maybe I'll relay some German vocab, or maybe just be grateful for all that's happened this year, and this school year. To be grateful for God's plan to unfold and be in the chill and thrill of swimming in sharp blue water. 

Pretzel, Nothing Like a Christmas Kitty

 I saw this photo a few months ago. It's been on my desk ever since the Christmas season, and I've been meaning to write with it in mind. But alas, the busyness of these weeks, teacher life and daily routines have made my desk more cluttered, messy and harder to recognize. It's already halfway through Lent, and yet, I'm writing about a picture from the Christmas season. 

Something a bit deeper though than only Christmas is in this picture, which is my love for cats! That was our cat, Pretzel, whom we found stray at our parish church once upon time in December. We hid him and made him come home with us in our big, white van so our dad had to say yes to keeping this precious little kitten.

He grew up, and a few years later he wasn't so much like a kitten, but a small cat who got all of our attention and love. (Well, at least mine and some of my sisters) And would often be getting into trouble or climbing our screen window for attention or like the one time putting his paw into our cake for girl's club. Of course, our female house cat, who acted like she owned our house and family didn't get along with silly and whimsical Pretzel. She was too prim and proper for outlandish behavior, and she had manners. 

I loved playing with Pretzel though. My sister named him after a little stuffed animal cat I had (who was also grey and long haired that I named Pretzel.) This picture of me holding and fooling around with Pretzel when I was in the 4th grade, in some ways doesn't look too different now, with me holding, teasing and playing with our now cat, Navidad. (And who unfortunately, doesn't like to be held for more than a few seconds.)

My favorite animal had always been a cat (when I was a child, I said it was a tiger), but they're still part of the cat family. One of my students yesterday asked what's my favorite animal, and I immediately said a cat. 

There is nothing like a kitty who is sleeping on your bed, your lap, or simply purring because you're petting it, and also running around like a dog and all hyper, but until, just then, when they find a cozy corner and get comfortable and are sleeping softly. The house becomes a home, and all is peaceful and homey. 

I had a few silly names for our beloved Pretzel. But nothing beats all the names I have for our dear Navidad. Some are even in a different language. Funny, interesting, odd and endearing names all describing my love for a cat that always seemed out of the question and would never be a reality again (but God made a way, even when I forgot about having a cat.) 

Pretzel died when I was in the 6th grade, during our summer girl's camp. I was so sad and cried about it after my parents told me and picked up my sisters and me. Some thought I was crying because the girls camp had ended (that can be hard too) but coming home and having that silly and rambunctious kitty gone was hard.

 My little girl heart missed him and could only slightly smile when I heard he died while trying to catch a bird and perhaps trying to eat this said bird that may have been poisonous. 

I think he died how he lived. 

Ice Cream Drips

 Same pants, different weather. Light blue jeans, 

chocolate ice cream trickling down.

Weird and stagnant conversation.

Empty, purposeless, different than before.

Hard to trust, not a good feeling, bringing back bad memories.

Drip, drip on the ground. Messy.

 Not as delicious or interesting. Boring facade, all melting down. 

It's clear as day, pounding like the rain. 

Like the day you met me.

 Sprinkling rain and crowded cafe,

 trying to make your way. 

It's melting. I see it now, going down the drain. 

The sun is out and no more rain. 

No more hiding. 

God's behind me, making a way. 

Seeing me drink coffee. Eating chocolate ice cream

 and Chinese stew. It's a waste, didn't taste. 

It's no good, move on, get a clue.  

Give me a clue, my old blog title.

 Reminds me of art and paintings, saw last weekend. 

It felt like a breath of fresh air. Springtime in the air. 

No more clouds, no more rain clouds, no more mystery clouds. 

It's all clear. Clear to me, with God's love shining down on me.

Have no fear. Wipe out bad memories. 

No more turbulences, mending disturbances. 

God is protecting me

 through and through. 

Same jeans, different weather. 

Same pants, different feeling. 

God, I'm grateful for showing me all that's

 in my life and I how I can serve, love and care. 

There is a lot on the inside to bare. Like the ice cream,

 drip, drip, drip. Like the rain, drip, drip, drip.

 Somehow there's pain. But a lot to gain. 

Another stain, which feels so lame. 

Why does this seem to happen so?

 Only God knows. 

And look another rainbow.

As I walk to my car, feel peace. Feel freedom. 

Only God knows. 

Manet & Morisot Inspiration

 It's been so long since I've been to an Art museum. I always feel inspired when in one, perusing and looking at the paintings in detail. I realize it takes silence, concentration, intentionality to appreciate a painting in its fullness and give the painting (and the artist's) their fair due by paying attention to it. To really see and ponder even the painting's meaning, symbols, textures, colors and shades and lights and darks. 

I remember exploring the National Gallery of Art Museum in DC Summer of 2023 with my sister and her family. The paintings came to life for me, not only because I was seeing a lot of Monet and Van Gogh paintings (and I love Impressionism) but also because I learned and studied some of them in my Art History class in 2014 and really enjoyed it. I still remember those interesting stories, paintings, and painters that came alive for me from a great Professor. 

Sadly, that was the last time I was in an Art Museum, until yesterday. My parents and I saw the last weekend showing of Manet and Morisot at The Legion of Honor. (I hadn't been there since 2013!)

Legion of Honor Aug. 2013

I've been feeling a lack of inspiration lately or just not as consistently. Walking around and seeing various paintings as well as going to the exhibit of Manet and Morisot was so interesting and intriguing. The inspiration I have been missing was breathing all around me. I had heard and learned some about Manet but never Morisot (I didn't even know she was a woman or would later become an in-law to Manet!) 

The artwork was breath taking; the story and their story was like an invitation to inspiration with a dose of coffee and marble walls. 

I also didn't realize how popular and crowded it would be on the last weekend! It was challenging to not bump into people or block their view. I enjoyed reading the side description of the Manet and Morisot paintings. 

Morisot

Morisot

Morisot

Manet

Can you tell I liked Morisot paintings more than Manet? They feel more Impressionism and not so dark or bold colors...but over time his paintings changed over time and looked to be more of a resemblance of hers. 

They were friends, colleagues and then in-laws (she married his brother, Eugene.) The video clip about them in one of the rooms at the exhibit gave a good overview of their paintings and relationship as painters, friends, and even family. As the clerk who checked me out said, 'There seemed to be rivalry happening between them.'

The outside view of the Museum is gorgeous, and the sky pattern had a nice effect. 

Of course, there isn't really anything that helps you soak up the inspiration and the overall experience than eating at the cafe there for lunch. An au lait coffee was an added warm treat too. 

Quickly, Like Worker Bees

 Bees. They have swarmed my classroom with its theme, honeycombs and beehive images, and sayings like 'bee kind' and 'bee yourself.' 

Busy bees or rather my students sometimes talking and distracted from day to day.

I went to a hair salon in January named The Beehive Salon.

I recently thought of honey as a symbol, in Scripture. There are actually many!

"How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" Psalm 119:103

"So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to lead them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey." Exodus 3:8

The saying, 'busy bees' reminds me of some saints who were busy bees, (maybe St. Cecilia?), who were known to use their time well. 

"Kind words are like honey, sweet to the soul and healthy to the body." Proverbs 16:24

I felt closer to Mary this past Advent season, with the unknown before me, and trusting that God knew the outcome, even when I couldn't see or prepare that far. Trusting God, and Mary and how she could relate in her own way with the stressors of the unknown and uncertainty of finding a place for her newborn King was comforting. I eventually applied and prepared for a new job, all happening so quickly!

I knew I wasn't ready when I first heard about the open position in Fall, and then more comments from others to apply throughout late Fall. Timing was everything, and it was an opening that felt too timely, like it was meant for me. 

The details all matched up, and I couldn't think of a better orchestrator of it all. God's provision was timely, and sweet. 

Grassy Hill

 That grassy hill side, where I looked out and parked my car every morning, it came to me early on in the school year of relating it to Psalm 23- The Lord is my Shepherd. 

I loved the overhang so the sun wouldn't beat down too strongly on my car, and seeing that grassy hill, the back side of the school was the refreshing part of my mornings, as I would recall, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul.'

I would imagine sheep would be grazing on that small hill, and God would be making everything turn out for the good. All the hard parts, loneliness, isolation, discernment and doubt be brought into something.

 That something of a school year, one where I felt so sure and lead where I was in the very beginning, soon enough morphed into feeling so depleted of energy, excitement, belonging and purpose. 

I felt like I was drifting and not really sure the next steps. I was usually at a loss for words and direction, just putting one step in front of the other. 

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Last winter, I came about a homily from Fr. Mike Schmitz. I thought it was profound and made me contemplate deeper with his words, "Your vocation is your deep longing meeting the world's deep need. Do what you know, where you are." 

That encouraged me to continue doing what I was doing- going to a job environment I didn't like or thrive in, and just to do it well, in the classes I was in, even the difficult ones and students I was helping. Trying to find the good and blessings in the mundane.

Fr. Schmitz also mentioned an amazing man I never heard about, who later would become friends with Pope John Paul II. He's now Servant of God or Venerable Jan Trunosky. His life was simple. It was impactful and meaningful yet hidden. He influenced St. Pope John Paul II to become a priest!

That next Monday morning I prayed and thought of Venerable Jan and asked him to help me in my job and to do it well, to bring about some good. It made all the difference, that mindset those winter months. Slowly but suddenly, I felt things changing internally.

Doing what I knew, where I was only helped me to see deeper, clearer of what God was preparing me for, to be a teacher.

Painting like God's Dream

 Painting our nature scene with the blue sky and colorful marshmallow clouds, green grass hills, flowers, and water was an experience, a fun and special New Year's Day creative endeavor with my mom and dear sister.  

It reminded me of God writing our rather painting our story, our year of how it should go, and us trying to either decipher how it should look and God's way (the original painting is better, with more precise, clear, color).

 And ours is not all those things but we do our best, but also that image, that painting that we create, God knows best. 

Those clouds that just make you want to dream, contemplate, relax underneath their changing cream fluff. The water with lily pads and the clouds' reflection- how can we reflect God's love, God's commandments, His compassion...

The blue water and refreshing hills restore us, vibrant colors and green pastures. The Lord is my Shepherd.

We can only dream what God has in store for us this new year. 

God is full of surprises.