My 28th Year or The Pains of the Heart

 This year of being 28 was unlike any other. To be honest, it started out hard and my intuition was that it would most likely be hard, challenging, and painful in ways I didn't know but expected. So yes, it started out hard and painful with the uncertainty of Ignacio's heart condition. The waiting, the sorrow and sadness of not knowing the outcome of it all. He was born on my birthday and passed away 4 days later. I still remember meeting him for the first time with my mom and sister. Meeting him to say goodbye. Nothing but bucket of tears streamed down our faces as we watched and waited for God to wrap him in His arms into Eternal Life. Just the shift of things, Santiago leaving the day Ignacio passed, and the length of summer, still waiting to work, to be busy and have some purpose was a real challenge.

Was encouraged by this clipping of a card that I took when Susie was going through her belongings

sweet Ignacio

Seeing Susie so busy, so preoccupied and focused on her goal of the credential as well as getting a job in Marin County and moving out was quite tough for me. Of course, I was proud and happy for her hard work, but there was so much transition for me and in my heart. Seeing it all, and waiting for my job to start up again was an added pain. Also, things with a friend had shifted, and I became hurt, confused and uncomfortable, not out of their doing intentionally. I just learned a lot about myself. I was very much in my head and I kept this really close to my chest. I became lonely and also bitter. My heart felt heavy, sad and discouraged. It also felt empty, with Susie moved away, her empty, spacious room was a constant reminder of that as well as the many, many memories we had shared and created together. It was very difficult for me at times to see her living on her own, her own life, experiences and then eventually dating. It was all very painful and sometimes even dark for me, another weight, another cross added on to what was already there.

After Ignacio's Funeral

Process of making goodbye video for Susie

Beautiful scenery after visiting the Christian store where I bought the bracelet I've worn everyday,: Phil 4:13

The ongoing loneliness and pain of my job continued and the large amount of free time that I had frustrated me. In prayer, I would often pray, wonder, worry about what I was supposed to do? I had recently seen my sister's life all busy and going somewhere, and her mission, her goal was accomplished which was wonderful. However, I had a lingering question on my heart, of what was next for me? What did God have in store for me? In this uncertainty, there was a lot of doubt, a lot of unknown, as well as pain and suffering. 

Visiting Susie Labor Day wknd, my devotion to St. Anthony visiting outside the church 

A book I was reading at the time was helpful in these pains and it was a thick book I often brought with me and read while praying in the church, The Diary of Maria Faustina titled 'Divine Mercy in My Soul'. I cherished it and felt close to her own sufferings, misunderstandings and admired her spiritual depth. There were also special and inspiring times like when Elisabeth and I enjoyed coffee time together at Peets, and sharing our Fall lists and encouraging one another. As well as visiting Susie over Halloween weekend and meeting Ricardo for the first time. 

having fun with Santiago

Halloween!

In the early Fall, I read about St. Louis and St. Zelie Martin, the parents of St. Therese. I found a lot of comfort and consolation in reading about them, their vocation journey, and their married and faith life together. I felt a sense of hope that I hadn't felt to at least touch upon a small part of my heart that was suffering from these growing pains and these big and hard questions. I also drew closer to Our Lady in these prayers, just like St. Zelie did when she was discerning her career and her vocation, Mary guided her. 

I felt so passionately and strongly to use my interest in language somehow, someway, as well as my B.A. in International Studies. I had this strongly on my heart as well in the spring and summer, but didn't know what to do about it. I was seeking ways to share my passion, but didn't know how to make that happen. There continued to be similar days at my job, and extra time for prayers at the church that was usually always empty, dark and filled with space to just be present to Our Lord in the challenges. I was also setting aside some time to study French, and brainstorming ideas for a story, especially in my free thinking moments at work. 

French notebook!

decorated a shirt!

I tried and tried to stay inspired, uplifted in the challenges. Often times dark clouds hovered over me with comparison, discouragement, doubt, and sadness. The enemy tries to ensnare us with lies and negative emotions especially when we are alone. Boy, did I find that to be ever more true! I had some really hard days in October, there were good and beautiful days too of course. But overall, my favorite month and season became clouded and cold with growing pains and forming trust. There were more tears, despair and a dark sadness that began to envelope (luckily for a short period of time) that I had never experienced before. It felt like a spiritual attack, one of many. 

Apple Hill!

This was around the time when my sister brought up again the idea of me pursuing a Masters in Library Science. It was something that they mentioned in late September during one of our meetups, but I was interested or inclined to consider then. At that time, the one good and beneficial thing about my job was the predictability of it. It was helpful and stable among the many questions and uncertainties I had. In October, when it was brought up again, I wasn't very open and could only really see what was right in front of me. Thinking about something else, for me, was daunting. 

But there were many prayers, questions, discernment in what I was supposed to do. I felt a sense to just listen and be open when my sister called me and we talked on the phone. She brought up library science again. I wanted to know what was the big deal with it? Why could she see me doing it? I needed answers and clarity, proof to hear another perspective. It sounded like something I should be open to hearing, thinking and saying to her hat God uses people to convey messages; He works through people. I told my sister I would do my 'homework' and research more about the program, cost, classes, the field as well as others experiences within that or other programs. I also talked to a contact from the ministry who is a librarian. I gained useful knowledge about her program and her experiences within the workplace. 

I could slowly see things clearly, as if scales had fallen from my eyes with my doubt and hesitations being cleared away. Confidence and consolation came from prayer as well as others' positive encouragement and statements, like they could really see me do that or be good at that. After applying to the program, I entrusted it all to God and St. Joseph, trusting that if it was meant to be, I would get in. Peace, joy and consolation followed, and after getting accepted, I was more than ready to take this step on this new and exciting journey. 

not very busy at work

Winter break came and went. The cusp of the new year was near. My saint of the new year turned out to be St. John Paul II which was encouraging. I saw some of his gifts and attributes that were inspiring for me such as- he was an intellectual, prayerful, trusting, peaceful, joyful, hopeful, speaks a number of languages, loved youth, Theology of the Body. I hadn't realized the bracelet I was wearing for a few months, on the back side of the small picture of St. Oscar Romero was St. JP II, he was with me all along.

The winter months were hopeful, but the short and cold days were still hard. There was continued pain, heaviness, comparison on my heart, and tears would easily flow. Going to Mass at St. Michael's before work was healing, beautiful and helpful. With the outdoor elements, it made things stronger, more enriching, like the pink red roses on the rose bushes, or the dewy, green grass, the gentle, lullaby blue sky showcasing a crisp winter morning. The music at communion time would make me feel melancholy and reflective. Heading to work after a peaceful and beautiful Mass would be a hard transition. Also knowing that I would be alone, just like the others days. But trusting that God would give me the grace to get me through another, and would be holding my hand gave me joyful consolation.

Christmas

There was excitement in January with my program starting, a new beginning. Something to finally be challenged by. I was still writing my story and finding time to write. Visiting the gravesite of Ignacio with the Marquez's was beautiful, touching and emotional. I felt sadness but also a touch of comfort that Ignacio was with me through all of my pain and suffering, my dear God son and nephew. I went to the church later to pray and tears kept streaming down my face. There was a depth in my heart I hadn't experienced before, words can't fully describe it. There was beauty and gratitude in visiting the Marquez's new home in late January. It was such an answer to many prayers and searches. It filled me with inspiration and joy for them. 

I was becoming more busy with my class as February started and I was researching more, writing on my school blog for assignments, and reading a book for a book review assignment. The days were still cold, and I was looking forward to blooming flowers and warmer weather, and no more boots and heavy jackets. There was still enough emotion at times, deep desires for my vocation just like the prior months. My job felt the same. I was still alone, and did my normal schedule of going to Mass when I could and visiting the church to make a visit after work. Steven was home during this time, and though we both had our own schedules, it was nice and rather comforting to have a sibling home.

made a Valentine's Day video

Did a Marian Consecration ending on the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes

Late March was when hybrid learning started for my job, and it was a transition to be with people at work again, let alone seeing some students again. It was a healthy change for me, though it was still kind of hard not being as busy as I would have liked. In the middle of the month, I visited Susie and my parents and I met her boyfriend's brother and mom. It was a nice getaway weekend. 

Spring break finally came, as well as Easter. I was so ready for that break, change in routine. I was desperately needing a break from the computer, from research, writing, and deadlines, and craving a mental shift and change of scenery. It was wonderful to get away for a bit with my sister and parents and be in SLO, visit the beach and be in beautiful and relaxing scenery, feeling far away from ordinary life. It was just what I needed to relax and recharge and feel inspired again.

SLO Botanical Garden

The countdown was on. Just a month left in the semester and a few more weeks after that and the school year would be finished. I could hardly wait! Parts of April were hard and heavy, others good, and light. The Baptism for my nephew was joyous and beautiful. Hearing about my younger brother getting a job in Houston, TX was of course exciting but it also came with heavy emotion and even sadness. Sister day was special to be together and savor some quality time, but I hadn't caught up yet, I was still processing through a lot. I was adjusting to other's transitions in life once again. The blessings and joys of life were harder to notice. I just felt like I was an emotional wreck at times, and like I was left behind (there were many reminders that made me focus on that too much). 

Writing my research paper was becoming busier and more daunting by the day. The due date was approaching, and sometimes my mind was swirling in many places at once. I became so engrossed and focused on my research findings and outline that I started to enjoy the heavy load and the ticking deadline. It gave me a sense of purpose, and I put a lot of time, energy and drive into writing it out. When I would complain to myself at how exhausting and time consuming it all was, I came back with 'Colleen, remember back to the Fall when you had so much open time that it was painful, so much uncertainty and not sure how to use your time well for meaning? Then be grateful since now you have it, and just do your best. God was preparing you for this.'  That insight, those words and reminders helped me and pushed me to keep on going. 

Writing paper with Navidad

The end of the school year was wrapping up and the days feeling longer and warmer. I found out with sheer surprise and amazement that I passed my class and did way better than I imagined on my paper. What an answer to prayer! Also, the excitement and anticipation of summer and the trip with Steven to go with him on his move to Houston, TX. The goodbye party for him was special and bittersweet. And then, just 2 days later, we were off on our trip. First to Arizona, then New Mexico, San Antonio to visit the Haslams and finally three hours away to Houston with tropical like humidity, palm trees, busy highways as well as a down to earth feel. This would be my brother's new home, far away from home. It would be a similar feeling and experience to when my mom and I helped found an apartment for Susie last July and then 3 weeks later, helped her unpack and settle in. 

Upon arriving home, I thought a lot about home and what it means for me. As well as wondering what the future would hold. But in the meantime, appreciating all that I have and that I am home safe and sound after what was a very busy, eventful, memorable road trip. And now I am here, writing this very long journey of how I got here, and I would say its all God's grace, mercy and love. This long, almost felt like unending suffering would linger with no end, and the pain out marked the beauty. But I am here, still standing or rather sitting, with my hair chopped off from donating my hair. I see it as a new journey to start soon, and just needed a change, a clean cut, and perhaps it could be useful for someone undergoing cancer treatment.

 Perhaps this year has taught me how to embrace the cross, better understand the meaning of consoling the heart of Jesus and trusting there's a purpose and a reason for the suffering in each particular season. This too shall pass as one priest told me last year. We know that God is never changing and always the same. 

I pray and hope to have more peace, joy and greater trust into this new year, into this gift of a year. For everything is a gift, even the hardships and crosses that I felt I had to go through in order to grow, learn, and trust more. The pains of the heart have truly been united with Ignacio's suffering as well, and his witness to his life. I am grateful and touched that my dear nephew and God son, Ignacio Rafael can be such a consolation to me, and truly a spiritual giant. Happy birthday to him in heaven.

"Yes! Give to God what belongs to Him, and remain lovingly passive in his hands. Hold for certain that what takes place either exteriorly or interiorly is best for you. Allow God to act, and abandon yourself to Him. Let the chisel perform its office, the needle do its work. Let the brush of the artist cover the canvas with many tints which only have the appearance of daubs...Go on blindly pursuing this path, and you will be shown what is to follow. Seek only the kingdom of God and His justice by love and obedience, all all the rest will be added to you." -Abandonment to Divine Providence