Teacher Life

I feel I've been in a mental fog. It can be hard to get out of it fully, as it takes time to decompress, rejuvenate and maybe even feel inspired. I've never fully known teacher life, only from a distance and sidelines, but one can't know it fully unless one does and experiences it for themselves. 

I've noticed how easy it is to feel overwhelmed, and preoccupied with so many things, to dos, figuring things out and learning as I go. It's an exciting time of growth, learning curves, busyness, and discernment. It's a time to feel stretched and maybe even at times uncomfortable or just merely exhausted, maybe discouraged and trying to keep things that are important for me still existing and lively. 

I hardly can even think about the past season- my job, my thoughts, struggles....though the times that I briefly do (even if a lot of it is a blur), it creates more gratitude for the season I am currently in. Discernment was huge last year and prayers were answered to be where I am now. I do remember feeling so bored, and mentally unstimulated which was challenging on the regular. 

I can't even think about a lot of things while in the classroom, there are so many things up front for my attention. Which in some ways is kind of nice- I'm busy, I'm serving, I'm thinking of others and doing important things, challenging things that require energy and a lot of patience.

Patience, this is something I want to work on. Generally, I believe I'm a pretty patient person but there are some (or many!) moments that really test me. I've been starting to think and realize Jesus is watching and seeing and loving me in those hard and exhausting moments. It helps to give me peace and encouragement. The days and moments where I feel that I am failing, I know I am doing my best. 

Today's Gospel reading and message was a wakeup call. Priorities, faith, prayer, relationship with God, evangelizing, all things I need to work on, as this is a busy season and prayer is even more crucial and essential. Trying to stay off screens, phone use to lessen and instead focus on God's goodness, presence and provision when I feel like I'm just surviving. 

Holly and New Year Fruition

 Just 8 months ago, my dear sister and I met up and celebrated the new year together by going to Mass and a nice cafe spot we hadn't tried before. It was an inspiring, refreshing and enjoyable time. We sat inside initially, the holiday bustle was beginning mid-morning with people coming in for their coffee, with family and friends, or their dogs. Winter coats, scarves, boots were galore powdered like snow with winter chill, caffeine and hopes and dreams in that coffee shop. (I'm actually looking forward to layering up again come Fall/Winter!) 

Her and I sat against a wall with pinkish colorful decor, and it looked like cherries or holly on some painted parts of the wall. It was still the Christmas season, but this stood out to me. I remember some of our conversation- before we moved outside, was about teaching. I was already thinking about it, an inkling about it, a stirring about it during that new year season. 

I later researched about this Christmas plant holly, and though there are different hidden meanings and symbols, the ones that stood out to me were related to Jesus with the crowning of thorns and his blood, and hope as well as endurance during the winter, as it's a festive Christmas plant. I later noticed that one of my sister's Christmas cards had holly depicted on it as decor with family photos that I've had up this year. And I've kept the fake holly plant my dear sister intwined with her delicious homemade cranberry bread she made for Christmas. 

I guess symbolically, I've depicted this plant with a future teaching job/career and facing my unknowns and fears. There is always anticipation and hope starting the new year, and today, my dear sister and I met up at this same cafe. And now, 8 months later- I am living out this plan, vision, even dream- I am teaching! It's cool and quite amazing having an idea, a hope, a discernment come into fruition. 

Appreciating Plants

 Upon entering the store, I noticed how instantly I felt inspired, and uplifted. I guess I hadn't experienced that in a while.  For pretty much the whole school year, I felt I was merely surviving and low on inspiration, encouragement and feeling uplifted sometimes more than others. It felt dry and a desperation for something more, I don't know- more meaning, fruitfulness, engagement, purpose to put into words. 

I noticed at this craft store, I felt creative and hopeful again, with a vision and purpose. Even just being around ideas, possibilities of creating brought his about. While my mom was in the fabric section, I noticed how many plants and greenery there were. I took it all in, in small, calm breaths and I noticed how deeply I felt deprived of seeing plants, of greenery, of life. 

The school I had worked at had very little trees and plants and the ones that were there were mostly on the perimeter of the school. Though late in spring, I became aware of trees right outside the main classroom I was in each day, and plants and flowers blooming after the rainy season. It felt like a small ray of hope, and life amidst the dreariness and hard parts some days. 

Now I see it as a God theme- with dryness, a dry well, life, and greenery forging- my classroom now is full of life- with the theme being plants and greenery, and some real plants as well, to lively and active students. 

This season feels very different than the last. I appreciate it so much more because of the one I was in and felt like a very long, hard one. I was more prepared for this one, its blessings, lessons, and many graces, and the story that only God could write and provide. It feels like entering into that craft store at the beginning of summer, everything in full bloom. 

Making It My Own

 I thought about this photo. When I first saw, it I didn't like it. It seemed random, unposed and not sure the motion with my hands. 

But that night was special, it had twinge of feeling interesting, formal, and youthful. I saw some familiar faces from afar and met some new ones. But I knew I would play to the beat of my own drum, therefore dancing when and for how long I wanted to dance, and not let the gals I went with influence if they weren't up for dancing. Honestly, that was the most enjoyable and memorable part (besides getting ready beforehand :)). 

I didn't care about sipping drinks and wine or looking like I was by holding a silver champagne glass. The photo booth was fun and fine, though it felt more meaningful with close friends or significant others, which I didn't have either of. So dancing was the best option, despite the sweat. 

The food was delicious too. Really rich and homemade lasagna that was classy (besides not having knives), and that tiramisu for dessert was mouthwatering and delectable. 

Now I like the photo of me, a quick snapshot- as there were photographers throughout the night. Now it makes me think of the enjoyable parts, getting ready and all dressed up, eating nice food, dancing, photos and mostly being true to myself, even if I wished I had a close friend or sister nearby to share it with. I made it my own. 

Notebook Writings

 As I looked out the window from the first period classroom, I would often get lost in thought. I wouldn't be busy, productive or merely super helpful, just passively so. A student here or there to talk to, to ask some questions of and walk around the classroom for the 10th time in 5 minutes it felt. There wasn't anything inspiring about that teacher's classroom for me besides the great view from the window in the morning.

The classroom was on the lower level, so no great heights or views, but looking out during the morning was a pretty and refreshing sight. There were lots of trees (not many trees inside the campus), the grass was dewy and the sunlight stroked the grass and pavement at a gentle and lovely angle. I wrote a little about nature in my notebook that I kept with me throughout the day, in case I had inspiring thoughts to jot down, reminders, lists to create, or also just to look somewhat busy. :0

Describing a rainy, wet morning

The soggy leaves drip with clear, cold dew, dripping with anticipation for the new day. The air is moist, fresh like New Year's Day, nothing can scorch it. There's a flavor that is hard to describe, it's full of new life, spring and bloom. The mornings are darker, but the evenings are filled with light. The day doesn't want to end, and the clouds and sun take the center stage. March can be peculiar with its heavy rain and wind, on the flip side there's heat, blue skies and roses, tulips and daffodils sprouting on the other side of the green grass. It's a special time. 

Hospitality

 I've been thinking about hospitality a lot recently. Last week's gospel reading spoke to me quite profoundly regarding hospitality and service among other important topics too like contemplative prayer, our God given gifts, and relationship with God.

Martha was comfortable enough to share how upset she was by voicing her frustration to Jesus in front of her sister Mary. She must have had a close relationship with Our Lord and have her sister know about it too. The main message to take away isn't so much to not be a doer like Martha, but to put into prayer what you are doing, create a deeper meaning with it. It's not solely actions but a conversation or prayer throughout with God.  It took me sometime to fully grasp and understand this gospel message.

This is important as it relates back to her sister, Mary who sits at Jesus' feet listening and soaking in his words. It also highlights Our Lady, who is connected with her son and in tune with his message and voice. 

This month of July has been pretty full and busy. I haven't had so much hosting, hospitality and service going on for nearly as long before, or at least in a long while. Let me say, it really stretches, grows and humbles you. It makes you think less of yourself, question a lot of things about your own vices- selfishness and self-centeredness and put them in God's hands more willingly. 

It can stretch you like a rubber band and invite you to plead for God's grace to intervene when the hard and exhausting parts come. It humbles you to ask for more cheerfulness and charity in your heart. I don't think you learn so much as hospitality; there's just something about service and hosting that pulls that not so good out of you like the wheat versus the weeds.

Between a big family reunion, my sister sick in the ER then hospital, helping take care of her two precious daughters alongside my parents, her husband and a few other family members who were still in town- it was a lot. I felt like I and we were carrying the other side of the cross that my sister was. A unique cross for an inopportune time, but fortunate enough to have more family around. The stress wasn't nearly as intense, and God knew what we could handle and juggle, even in the unknown. 

I look to my parents as great examples of hospitality, charity and forgoing their own wants for serving and helping the family's needs. That can be very hard to do, but its admirable and necessary. I need to be better at this, even in the exhaustion or feeling that things are on hold. I knew God was in control and would and (did!) give me all the graces to continue. 

This gospel message put things into light and just what I needed to hear, learn from and pray with.

St. Martha, Mary and Lazarus, pray for us (feast day July 29) 

Eating a Pickle

 This was my lunch on my birthday. And I ate the pickle. 

I actually never eat pickles and don't really like or prefer them. The only way I've actually eaten them is when they're sliced in a hamburger or sandwich perhaps.

I felt that eating a pickle is a good symbol for fortitude (my word for the year!) I guess eating a pickle can symbolize hope (like being in a pickle) but seeing a way forward. 

And with my tulip pants, and the quietish and special time of eating a (free) lunch with a gift card I hadn't used in a year, it was meaningful. With an extra birthday cookie in tow, I would save the sweetness for later. 

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3 things that stuck with me during my excursion:

1) It felt like I was having coffee with Jesus (well, not really, by with the empty seat across from me, I happily imagined for a moment Jesus there, and being with me at the start of 33rd year)

2) And with Panera bread, you know, it's like breaking bread together ;) 

3) And when I went to buy walking shoes at the mall, representing walking, following in His footsteps. How meaningful :)

Oh, Audrey

 

Roman Holiday movie

I've been interested in Audrey Hepburn movies and the actress herself since as long as I can remember. I was most likely since High School. My brother asked me once in one of his letters long ago, why I liked her so much? I couldn't really think of a great answer to explain, but that she's so classy, elegant and timeless, I feel. She passed away in the early 90's, but I still feel she is special and timeless to many people over the world.

Maybe she was just an actress to others, but I found her life and personality beyond the silver screen interesting, admirable, yet also quite hard, sad, disappointing but also hopeful. 

My same brother gifted me a book about her for my birthday- 10 years ago! I don't have the book anymore but remember it and the conversation we had. I explained how later in life she felt called to help out in some way, she became an ambassador for UNICEF. She loved children. 

On my birthday this year, I was reading a book about her. One I bought with an Amazon gift card later this spring. I found it so interesting, yet not quite surprising that my interest hadn't fully dissipated regarding Audrey. 

Some interests don't fade, quite the contrary. You simply come back to them, like there was no distance at all, only to smile to yourself about how much it speaks to you, and you haven't really changed at all. 

(Just like in Roman Holiday, where Audrey (Princess Ann) cuts her hair short, but she's still recognizable to a few, and a special one- she's still the same dainty, whimsical, adventurous, classy young lady). It's a film where I've also enjoyed, and one my sister and I a number of years ago would jokingly quote, 'Oh, so happy'.

Morning Face

 This is my face when I wake up. 

I didn't want to edit it since God sees us beyond the physical features that we don't always like. I woke up and was refreshed and happy for being 33. A new day, a new year just beginning. 

What will this year bring? Don't we always think of that- what God will surprise us with, in new and hard ways? 

I just want to think of the day as a total gift, to behold and savor. Not so much to think too much ahead. To plan, yes, but also to be in the present where God already is.

I feel such special and intimate joy to be the same age as Jesus was when he was crucified and died for our sins. Wow, that is something to savor and behold.

There are different themes, or symbols, if you will of this year that I came upon. 

The Holy Trinity feels like a big symbol form this year, talking numbers here, since 3 persons in 1. My age has a 3, and then when you divide the 3 with the other 3 it becomes 1. 'The One thing is Three'. 

I will teach 3rd grade at the beginning of the school year. :)

3 minus 3 is 0. I want to follow God and hold nothing or 0 back. 

3+3 is 6. What did 6 years ago look like? Discerning next steps before working at a high school and anticipating working in education still. Did a Southern American cooking class, ate at a Chicago style pizza place and prayed outside a Planned Parenthood facility with 40 days, wore a shirt I painted, and wrote on the paper plate I ate birthday cake from with a quote. 

What will 6 years from now look like?  Well, it doesn't matter right now. 

Bold. That's one of the words I took for this year. We'll see what God does with it, has in store, and the ideas I come up with along the way...

Hagar and Tulips

 This picture reminded me of Hagar, in the Old Testament.

Abram told Sarai: 'Your maid is in your power. Do to her whatever you please.' Sarai then abused her so much that Hagar ran away from her. The Lord's messenger found her by a spring in the wilderness, the spring on the road to Shur, and he asked, 'Hagar, maid of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?'' She answered, 'I am running away from my mistress, Sarai. But the Lord's messenger told her: 'Go back to your mistress and submit to her abusive treatment. I will make your descendants so numerous..." Genesis 16 6-11

It also reminds me of this year and what God had done and what God promises to do. Peace, restore, hope, lovingly invite and speak to. 

The water symbolizes to me this 'spring' that Hagar was near, even if she was in the desert. The flowers in the background almost look like tulips. They symbolize beauty that can also be found in hardship, pain or ordinariness, it is never lost or wasted, even if it seems on the outskirts. (like it is in the painting)

I felt that this past year was going to be full bloom, of flowers. And I think it was, yet not in the way I ever guessed or predicated or even expected. In most ways, it felt like a desert. I was in the desert. The well was dry and feeling empty, like I wrote. Burt God had other plans, just like for Hagar in the scripture. There is always hope, and if we take God's hand, he will lead us to springs of overflowing water. 

With Flowers

Lady with flowers. I decided to wear my tulip pants today, on my birthday. I would walk with tulips that I picked up from work that a teacher was giving away a bountiful of. I would carry this bouquet, mostly tulips to a few classes, and then put them in my car upon my lunch break. 

It felt like a symbol of hope, beauty, and inspiration. It felt like a little beauty was added to a dreary day and campus, just another day at work was suddenly brightened with holding flowers :). I even felt more feminine.

 I wanted to wear my pants that have tulips on them since it's a reminder of a new yeah ahead. Hope is alive and there is more to come- learning, growth, adventure, and most importantly following Christ and becoming holy. There's something special about being the same age as Jesus when he accomplished his mission on earth. 

Upon a little bit of research, tulips are symbols of new beginnings:)