Making It My Own

 I thought about this photo. When I first saw, it I didn't like it. It seemed random, unposed and not sure the motion with my hands. 

But that night was special, it had twinge of feeling interesting, formal, and youthful. I saw some familiar faces from afar and met some new ones. But I knew I would play to the beat of my own drum, therefore dancing when and for how long I wanted to dance, and not let the gals I went with influence if they weren't up for dancing. Honestly, that was the most enjoyable and memorable part (besides getting ready beforehand :)). 

I didn't care about sipping drinks and wine or looking like I was by holding a silver champagne glass. The photo booth was fun and fine, though it felt more meaningful with close friends or significant others, which I didn't have either of. So dancing was the best option, despite the sweat. 

The food was delicious too. Really rich and homemade lasagna that was classy (besides not having knives), and that tiramisu for dessert was mouthwatering and delectable. 

Now I like the photo of me, a quick snapshot- as there were photographers throughout the night. Now it makes me think of the enjoyable parts, getting ready and all dressed up, eating nice food, dancing, photos and mostly being true to myself, even if I wished I had a close friend or sister nearby to share it with. I made it my own. 

Notebook Writings

 As I looked out the window from the first period classroom, I would often get lost in thought. I wouldn't be busy, productive or merely super helpful, just passively so. A student here or there to talk to, to ask some questions of and walk around the classroom for the 10th time in 5 minutes it felt. There wasn't anything inspiring about that teacher's classroom for me besides the great view from the window in the morning.

The classroom was on the lower level, so no great heights or views, but looking out during the morning was a pretty and refreshing sight. There were lots of trees (not many trees inside the campus), the grass was dewy and the sunlight stroked the grass and pavement at a gentle and lovely angle. I wrote a little about nature in my notebook that I kept with me throughout the day, in case I had inspiring thoughts to jot down, reminders, lists to create, or also just to look somewhat busy. :0

Describing a rainy, wet morning

The soggy leaves drip with clear, cold dew, dripping with anticipation for the new day. The air is moist, fresh like New Year's Day, nothing can scorch it. There's a flavor that is hard to describe, it's full of new life, spring and bloom. The mornings are darker, but the evenings are filled with light. The day doesn't want to end, and the clouds and sun take the center stage. March can be peculiar with its heavy rain and wind, on the flip side there's heat, blue skies and roses, tulips and daffodils sprouting on the other side of the green grass. It's a special time. 

Hospitality

 I've been thinking about hospitality a lot recently. Last week's gospel reading spoke to me quite profoundly regarding hospitality and service among other important topics too like contemplative prayer, our God given gifts, and relationship with God.

Martha was comfortable enough to share how upset she was by voicing her frustration to Jesus in front of her sister Mary. She must have had a close relationship with Our Lord and have her sister know about it too. The main message to take away isn't so much to not be a doer like Martha, but to put into prayer what you are doing, create a deeper meaning with it. It's not solely actions but a conversation or prayer throughout with God.  It took me sometime to fully grasp and understand this gospel message.

This is important as it relates back to her sister, Mary who sits at Jesus' feet listening and soaking in his words. It also highlights Our Lady, who is connected with her son and in tune with his message and voice. 

This month of July has been pretty full and busy. I haven't had so much hosting, hospitality and service going on for nearly as long before, or at least in a long while. Let me say, it really stretches, grows and humbles you. It makes you think less of yourself, question a lot of things about your own vices- selfishness and self-centeredness and put them in God's hands more willingly. 

It can stretch you like a rubber band and invite you to plead for God's grace to intervene when the hard and exhausting parts come. It humbles you to ask for more cheerfulness and charity in your heart. I don't think you learn so much as hospitality; there's just something about service and hosting that pulls that not so good out of you like the wheat versus the weeds.

Between a big family reunion, my sister sick in the ER then hospital, helping take care of her two precious daughters alongside my parents, her husband and a few other family members who were still in town- it was a lot. I felt like I and we were carrying the other side of the cross that my sister was. A unique cross for an inopportune time, but fortunate enough to have more family around. The stress wasn't nearly as intense, and God knew what we could handle and juggle, even in the unknown. 

I look to my parents as great examples of hospitality, charity and forgoing their own wants for serving and helping the family's needs. That can be very hard to do, but its admirable and necessary. I need to be better at this, even in the exhaustion or feeling that things are on hold. I knew God was in control and would and (did!) give me all the graces to continue. 

This gospel message put things into light and just what I needed to hear, learn from and pray with.

St. Martha, Mary and Lazarus, pray for us (feast day July 29) 

Eating a Pickle

 This was my lunch on my birthday. And I ate the pickle. 

I actually never eat pickles and don't really like or prefer them. The only way I've actually eaten them is when they're sliced in a hamburger or sandwich perhaps.

I felt that eating a pickle is a good symbol for fortitude (my word for the year!) I guess eating a pickle can symbolize hope (like being in a pickle) but seeing a way forward. 

And with my tulip pants, and the quietish and special time of eating a (free) lunch with a gift card I hadn't used in a year, it was meaningful. With an extra birthday cookie in tow, I would save the sweetness for later. 

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3 things that stuck with me during my excursion:

1) It felt like I was having coffee with Jesus (well, not really, by with the empty seat across from me, I happily imagined for a moment Jesus there, and being with me at the start of 33rd year)

2) And with Panera bread, you know, it's like breaking bread together ;) 

3) And when I went to buy walking shoes at the mall, representing walking, following in His footsteps. How meaningful :)

Oh, Audrey

 

Roman Holiday movie

I've been interested in Audrey Hepburn movies and the actress herself since as long as I can remember. I was most likely since High School. My brother asked me once in one of his letters long ago, why I liked her so much? I couldn't really think of a great answer to explain, but that she's so classy, elegant and timeless, I feel. She passed away in the early 90's, but I still feel she is special and timeless to many people over the world.

Maybe she was just an actress to others, but I found her life and personality beyond the silver screen interesting, admirable, yet also quite hard, sad, disappointing but also hopeful. 

My same brother gifted me a book about her for my birthday- 10 years ago! I don't have the book anymore but remember it and the conversation we had. I explained how later in life she felt called to help out in some way, she became an ambassador for UNICEF. She loved children. 

On my birthday this year, I was reading a book about her. One I bought with an Amazon gift card later this spring. I found it so interesting, yet not quite surprising that my interest hadn't fully dissipated regarding Audrey. 

Some interests don't fade, quite the contrary. You simply come back to them, like there was no distance at all, only to smile to yourself about how much it speaks to you, and you haven't really changed at all. 

(Just like in Roman Holiday, where Audrey (Princess Ann) cuts her hair short, but she's still recognizable to a few, and a special one- she's still the same dainty, whimsical, adventurous, classy young lady). It's a film where I've also enjoyed, and one my sister and I a number of years ago would jokingly quote, 'Oh, so happy'.

Morning Face

 This is my face when I wake up. 

I didn't want to edit it since God sees us beyond the physical features that we don't always like. I woke up and was refreshed and happy for being 33. A new day, a new year just beginning. 

What will this year bring? Don't we always think of that- what God will surprise us with, in new and hard ways? 

I just want to think of the day as a total gift, to behold and savor. Not so much to think too much ahead. To plan, yes, but also to be in the present where God already is.

I feel such special and intimate joy to be the same age as Jesus was when he was crucified and died for our sins. Wow, that is something to savor and behold.

There are different themes, or symbols, if you will of this year that I came upon. 

The Holy Trinity feels like a big symbol form this year, talking numbers here, since 3 persons in 1. My age has a 3, and then when you divide the 3 with the other 3 it becomes 1. 'The One thing is Three'. 

I will teach 3rd grade at the beginning of the school year. :)

3 minus 3 is 0. I want to follow God and hold nothing or 0 back. 

3+3 is 6. What did 6 years ago look like? Discerning next steps before working at a high school and anticipating working in education still. Did a Southern American cooking class, ate at a Chicago style pizza place and prayed outside a Planned Parenthood facility with 40 days, wore a shirt I painted, and wrote on the paper plate I ate birthday cake from with a quote. 

What will 6 years from now look like?  Well, it doesn't matter right now. 

Bold. That's one of the words I took for this year. We'll see what God does with it, has in store, and the ideas I come up with along the way...

Hagar and Tulips

 This picture reminded me of Hagar, in the Old Testament.

Abram told Sarai: 'Your maid is in your power. Do to her whatever you please.' Sarai then abused her so much that Hagar ran away from her. The Lord's messenger found her by a spring in the wilderness, the spring on the road to Shur, and he asked, 'Hagar, maid of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?'' She answered, 'I am running away from my mistress, Sarai. But the Lord's messenger told her: 'Go back to your mistress and submit to her abusive treatment. I will make your descendants so numerous..." Genesis 16 6-11

It also reminds me of this year and what God had done and what God promises to do. Peace, restore, hope, lovingly invite and speak to. 

The water symbolizes to me this 'spring' that Hagar was near, even if she was in the desert. The flowers in the background almost look like tulips. They symbolize beauty that can also be found in hardship, pain or ordinariness, it is never lost or wasted, even if it seems on the outskirts. (like it is in the painting)

I felt that this past year was going to be full bloom, of flowers. And I think it was, yet not in the way I ever guessed or predicated or even expected. In most ways, it felt like a desert. I was in the desert. The well was dry and feeling empty, like I wrote. Burt God had other plans, just like for Hagar in the scripture. There is always hope, and if we take God's hand, he will lead us to springs of overflowing water. 

With Flowers

Lady with flowers. I decided to wear my tulip pants today, on my birthday. I would walk with tulips that I picked up from work that a teacher was giving away a bountiful of. I would carry this bouquet, mostly tulips to a few classes, and then put them in my car upon my lunch break. 

It felt like a symbol of hope, beauty, and inspiration. It felt like a little beauty was added to a dreary day and campus, just another day at work was suddenly brightened with holding flowers :). I even felt more feminine.

 I wanted to wear my pants that have tulips on them since it's a reminder of a new yeah ahead. Hope is alive and there is more to come- learning, growth, adventure, and most importantly following Christ and becoming holy. There's something special about being the same age as Jesus when he accomplished his mission on earth. 

Upon a little bit of research, tulips are symbols of new beginnings:)

Something New

 "Behold, I am making something new." -Isaiah 44:19

This scripture verse reminds me of 2020, so much growth and various new things and challenges. One of them included saying goodbye to Pastor Fr. Lawerence. That was sad and difficult during the beginning of the pandemic. But I didn't know I would be feeling enriched at another parish later that year, and by another pastor, Fr. Carl. And now he will be transitioned to another parish. God is always doing something new, even if we don't know it yet, it is happening. I can see that for myself these past 5 years. 

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As I was on my walk yesterday, I was looking at the greenery of the trees. Peeking inside them there was depth, branches, peacefulness, stillness and some darkness. Inside of this greenery it was hidden, until you stopped and looked closer. Upon the green shrubs were pine needles from the tree, green leaves and even cobwebs. 

It made me think, sometimes that happens to us. We don't appreciate or clear away the attitude of 'cobwebs' or 'ordinariness'. In this liturgical season of ordinary time, God is working, doing something. There is fruit, goodness, and beauty, though sometimes, you have to peek through to get more of a glimpse and appreciate that simplicity and stillness. 

Rental Cars Remind Me of My Uncle

 For the past week, I've been driving a rental car. My car has been in the shop getting repaired, and I've been driving what basically feels like a brand-new car, a very updated version of mine. The AC goes on quickly and is strong during these hot days, the safety features are really nice with screen display while backing out, as well as how many miles can go with gas tank, the audio and music system is convenient to use, and the driving is smooth and quiet. The bright blue color wasn't my favorite but have forgotten about the eclectic color. Though, the tinted window fade is something I wish my car had.

Why am I writing all about a new car, especially when I'm not really into cars? And, considering it's a short amount of time that I'm renting it. Well, driving this new, dare I say, even fancy car, reminds me of my uncle. Every time he visits, he drives a rental car, and usually his visits were/are in summertime. I've been thinking of him and particularly one summer a number of years ago now. 

It was the summer I had graduated high school and would be entering Junior College. He was driving my brother and me around, and we happened to either make a stop at a nearby church for Mass or something, since we were parked in the parking lot. I remember asking him what made him know he was called to be a religious brother. At the time, I found his answer to my question interesting, as I didn't fully understand it at the time. 

In a nutshell, I remember him saying back when he was late teens or early 20's he had had a girlfriend, but something didn't feel to be going right interiorly with him. He felt called more to pursue another path, which was religious life. I remember my 19-year-old self, trying to grapple with knowing a strong feeling, response or even push from God and what that would look like. I certainly hadn't encountered that (yet) in my own life. He was so sure, so certain about not continuing the relationship, or even marriage. 

I think it was around that same time, my brother took the bus with me on a summer afternoon, to help me figure out the route for my new school- one where I would be taking the bus to BART, and then from there picking up another bus on the back side of the BART station where the buses were. It was all new, a bit scary and daunting, but also exciting. It was nice to have my brother with me to help me figure out the logistics, and then from there, our uncle picked us up in his rental car from a bus stop, maybe to say goodbye, or before he had to leave. It was a summer of transition and anticipation of what was ahead, with new opportunities and entering a whole new season of college. 

Rental cars remind me of my uncle.

The (Dry) Well

 It started with a well. Last summer, I was on a road trip with my parents, and we saw various places and missions, one of them was San Luis Obispo Mission. As we were viewing the church and the grounds, I came across a prayer card to St. Joseph. There was just one near the door, and I happened to lose or misplace mine, perfect to find one I could use.

As I was walking outdoors to the grounds, I saw a well. It wasn't in use, but perhaps it was once before. It was pretty and interesting to look at and the plants nearby. I had a deep interior thought and confidence that if I prayed this prayer on the St. Joseph prayer card, I would land a job (which I was desperately searching for and needing). 

This well became a symbol throughout the whole school year, as eventually I did get a job after some responses back, interviews that the Holy Spirit led me to the right one. The school was called Wells, and I couldn't deny the symbolism from the Mission, but also what would succumb to this new season. 

It very often felt like I was digging in the 'well' and trying to be innovative with what I had and what was given to me. In my mind's eye, I thought a well had life, water and nutrients. The season or well, if you will, that I was in felt very dry, monotonous and challenging. The water wasn't overflowing and moving, but rather parched, still and stagnant. There was something wrong, where was the life, the nutrients, the refreshment?

Day in and day out in this job felt rather similar. Of course, there were better and more freeing days than others, yet it all was a learning and growing season. One of the moments of reflection with water and the well was when I would fill up my water bottle on campus. I would try to think of Jesus and the woman at the well. 

I think one of the growths was recognizing that though I was digging hard, finding life and nutrients in this well may have looked differently than I expected it to and may also come later on. Sometimes we see the fruit of various seasons, especially hard ones and appreciate them much more in the future and see more of the graces and what God was doing than in the moment. 

A dry well is a beautiful well, since that's when you really stop and look to see if there is water, and how deep do you need to go; how deep, and then life will spring forth on its own time.