About Time for Joy

Time is very important for us. It can mean so much and describe a lot about ourselves and our lives. Time can heal things, and time can also cause us to forget some of the nitty, gritty details. Time is interesting and allows for changes to be made- changes in the sense of your feelings, perspective or misconceptions to name a few.

I find that time has been frequently working in my life. I recently received my diploma for my Bachelors degree and I was very happy that it had finally arrived and I could officially declare that I am a post- graduate and achieved something, well actually many things. It took time for this important, expensive and sweat wrenching, heart pulsating paper to arrive in my mail box. When I received it and looked at it, I could own it because I finally did it. I have finally come at the end of the school tunnel that can feel like forever and trap you to make you feel that you are not with the other part of society since you're technically in a bubble going to classes, listening to lectures, doing assignments and meeting new people.

Time has taught me about a new perspective, and that only God, who is the owner and author of time is allowed to give. A new point of view in the sense that pain and suffering are two different things and there is a reason for it. The way I wanted things to be done according to my own timing wasn't going to happen like a flash of light since I'm not God and I didn't realize that perhaps God had something better in mind, even if it meant that I needed to suffer. I learned that suffering and the pain from it can be joyful and meaningful and perhaps even beautiful. I've had many flashbacks of some very raw and painful moments this year, and a wave of nostalgia comes to me because those were the moments I was most myself and relying on God. It wasn't enjoyable at all since loneliness was a big factor. It seemed like my heart was ticking. I was struggling to get through the present moment and only could look forward to the next moment, striving and at times struggling to get through all that I was carrying literally and metaphorically. I was aware of it and didn't always know how to handle it with a positive mindset.

Time wasn't counting, I was. And I kept track of how many more weeks I had left as a student. A month or a little more felt so long, it made me feel so frustrated and sad I wanted to cry. I couldn't wait to be on the other side and have my journey and experience as a student be behind me and be part of my history, a semi- faint memory that I could look back to if I wanted like a far path that lead you to where you are now, yet you can keep going forward.

When you are at your weakest, God can work the best with you. You also get to see how strong you really are and the depth of your inner strength. I know this to be true now, yet didn't see it as clearly when I was going through interior struggles. I thought that by continually praying for at least one friend, I would receive it fairly quickly. Expecting a gift such as a friendship and not getting it made me feel aggravated and lonely and more deprived of human interaction. I couldn't understand why I wasn't receiving what I felt I desperately needed and desired and why it wasn't being handed to me.

I lost sight of the joy of becoming more intimate and real with God, since all I really wanted was  more human interaction and connections. But God works in mysterious ways, so I really only needed to become closer to Him and had to learn how to trust in His ways and less of mine. I lost sight of the gifts that were all around me and solely focused on what I didn't have. I'm reminded of this quote that I found while going through this challenging time and it made me think more about God's ways and not mine. Although I couldn't find the answer, it got me thinking that perhaps I wasn't thinking as I ought. "Man finds it hard to get what he wants, because he does not want the best. God finds it hard to give, because He would give the best, and man will not take it." To be honest, reading this quote made me feel somewhat guilty since maybe God was giving me something here, perhaps even a gift that I just couldn't see as a gift but underneath the pain, sorrow and deprivation, it was something that lead to meaning and strong interior growth, growth that tasted bad and smelled putrid but was necessary.

Time has a way of tricking your mind sometimes to make you see things differently, and can even lead to joy even of it was in the past, and even if it was very real, painful and lonely. Joy is different than being happy since happiness is more superficial and fleeting. Joy is from God, and you don't need to look far to have it since it's already inside of you.

Braided Eclectic Rebel

Being rebellious was always seen as something that was bad or negative and to stay far away from. At least for me, being a rebel meant breaking the rules in order to get in trouble or receive attention. I could easily spot these kind of people back in middle school and high school. And I happily stayed away from these 'dangerous' people who enjoyed breaking the rules.

 The rebel girls and guys from school days were the ones who wore black, talked bad, smelled mysterious and had ear phones hanging from their ear. They would talk back to the teacher, have their hoodie on and pretend that they were listening to what was happening in class, yet instead listen to their music and zone out. I wouldn't get close to these types of people. I felt so different and knew myself well enough that I could never take a slippery slope step spiral from being a good and honest student to one that simply didn't care and didn't try.

I found the stereotype to be a misjudged stereotype pertaining to myself. As I've gotten to know myself more, I feel that I have become more of this 'rebel' type. Not in the sense of looking like I didn't care how I dress or look or chewing something other than pink bubble gum but a rebel in the sense of not following the crowd and instead listening to my true inner self, inner voice and strong and tight intuition. A deep feeling and living of doing what's right for me and not caring what others think and not letting their opinions overrule my decisions.

Little did I know that I was a rebel back in those days, doing my own thing and living by the seed of my intuition and inner self. My senior year in high school, I didn't have a cell phone, a Facebook or a driver's license. Unlike my fellow peers and small circle of acquaintances and friends, I wasn't eager to get any of those things right away and try to fit in. I honestly didn't mind taking the bus and being visible waiting for another mode of transportation to take me home while my peers and classmates drove away in their fancy and prancy looking vehicles.

Being my own type of rebel continued throughout college and till this current day. A rebel in the sense of the way I think and do things. As someone once put it, 'You walk to the beat of your own drum.' I've learned that being a rebel of my type isn't always easy since it can mean doing things alone. But as I've found, just because you're alone doesn't mean you have to feel lonely doing it or not have fun trying.

Last night, I went to a Harvest Ball out of my area. I have to admit, the best part is getting ready and figuring out what shoes to wear and how dark you want your make-up to be. I felt like a rebel dancing to my own tune when no other dancers would have the courage or even the will power to cut a rug. I even requested my own songs, one of them had to do with being a rebel, just for kicks. A few other like minded kindred souls appreciated the song and gladly danced to this spunky and vibrant, feel good tune.

Just recently, I learned about the four types of ways you can motivate yourself. I read it through an online magazine called verily mag and it briefly explained the different ways/categories one can motivate themselves. I took the quiz and already had an intuition that my 'category' would be rebel. Sure enough, my motivation style revolved around what I want to do and when. It also stated that rebels are independent and out of the box thinkers. :)

Although being a rebel can be dangerous or even at times misunderstood, the best way I have learnt to deal with my personality type that can often lead me wondering why I'm the only one is to not think about the quantity but rather the quality. Not the the numbers in how many are joining me but rather am I being true and honest with myself and having fun at the same time.

Yesterday.

We can learn a lot of things each day, if we just pay attention to it. I was reflecting last night on yesterday and what I learned or had come across that was new. When I was at my old job with my classroom of students, I would often ask them, "what did you learn today?" I would usually encounter a pregnant pause, and a lot of umms, and I don't knows. I would make it known to them, these growing brains that knowledge and learning is important. I think they could tell that I had a variety of interests and enjoyed learning and sharing my knowledge with them!

So, I asked myself the same question, and pondered it myself. Well, I learned more about Indian culture/weddings, about an older man's life and personality, about Gertrude Bell, and about how the devil loves confusion and for us to solely focus on evil. This was what I came up with, though I'm sure there's more. :)

Let's start with the devil, who is the root of all evil and loves God's dear children to be confused by it, immersed in it and think of it as good, and normal instead of how it's supposed to be viewed. I was listening to Catholic Radio on the way home from morning Mass yesterday, and I know I will always hear one of my favorite speakers on there- Fr. Matthew Spencer. He's great, I love hearing his voice, he's peaceful, funny, humble, down to earth, inspiring, engaging and enriching! All such good things, and feel blessed to encounter him while driving when I can.

Anyways, I was listening to him and he was talking about the horrific attack in Las Vegas that left 59 dead, and 500 or so wounded. I already heard about this devastating and severely sad event that took place at a country concert. But Fr. Matthew had words that impacted me, as he so often does, and a message that brought hope to my perspective. He said, the devil loves confusion, and the focus of evil. When we put so much focus on this very tragic event, and especially on the murder, we detach our view of the good that has been happening after this sad story as well as the hope. People have been donating blood to the wounded victims, people have been closer together and united together for the ones they have lost. In essence, Fr. Matthew summarized that God allows evil only in order to bring a greater good from it.

Yesterday, I volunteered at my local senior center soup kitchen serving seniors their lunches. I was listening to a college age girl tell a story of a recent Indian wedding she attended. She was explaining how it is normal for Indians to be late to celebrations and events. Even up to an hour and a half late is normal, and expected and that's probably the minimum. I was interested in this, since I know that I am often late to things, and being early/on time is actually quite difficult. This volunteer mentioned other things and anecdotes regarding the wedding.

As my volunteer shift was about to end, and cleaning up was still in the process, I got into conversation with one of the older men who regularly eats there. I've seen him plenty of times before never talked with him, and when I have served him he would raise his hand like he was asking a question in order to get my attention for me to fill up his coffee cup. I had an idea about him, possibly an old grump who was particular like most elderly, and looked down at you with his spectacles. But, as I had come to talk with him, I learned that I was wrong and he did have a fun and quirky personality. And we had in common that we both live in the same city and just a few years ago had volunteered at this place as well. He knew everything about cleaning up and even assisted me and showing me what he knew. He told me about his past career, as a scientist/chemist, and that he's lived in the same house for 50 years! He goes by his middle name, and too home extra soup home that was served since he doesn't cook at home.

And lastly, Gertrude Bell. Many will probably not know who she was or what she was known for. If you have heard of Lawrence of Arabia then she is not too far behind him in acknowledgement and influence. Gertrude Bell was a British woman by appearance but an Arab by heart. She had a strong interest in the Middle East and learned Persian and Arabic, and enjoyed learning Persian poetry. She helped create the Iraq nation-state and is known as The Queen of the Desert. The book I am currently reading about her reveals all these things, and displays an interesting and detailed portrait of this influential and inspiring woman.

These were the main things that came to me yesterday, and I think it's important to keep up this awareness of learning, and engaging content that can inspire and transform our minds!