Colors and Shapes in the Deep

Finding yourself in the amidst of various shapes, sizes, colors and energies can be one of the hardest things to do. However, it can be the most beneficial and rewarding in hindsight. This little samaka (fish) is finding her way through it all. Dodging big sea creatures that eat smaller food than the dear samaka, and perhaps go more places in search for more of it. The small food which these interesting shaped creatures eat can not feed this samaka since it does not digest nor perceive it to be well for it.  It makes its bold and vibrant colors turn to an ash gray. Large and hearty food is what it wants and desires instead, yet this quest is still challenging to find and swallow, but dear samaka will keep treading bubbles in the meantime to pursue it's destiny.

Past Questions, New Answers

I love this quote. It came to me last year around this time when I was wondering and hoping for a new face to brighten up my day or something inside of me to connect with the outside world and with  others. I was unsure and uncertain of what to do or how to make this throbbing feeling go away. I had to sigh and think back to Zora Neale Hurston's quote, 'There are years that ask questions and years that answer." I was in the year of asking, and hoped that sometime soon, eventually, I could be on the receiving end. However, as I've learned life doesn't always work out that way as we would hope or even expect. Sometimes we just have to learn how to be content and happy with what we are given and grateful and leave everything else behind us- not let it be a pure focus.

I recently just finished Hurston's well known novel, 'Their Eyes Were Watching God.' I had to read it for an English class a couple of years ago, and decided to read it again. Janie, the main character in the story is a young woman who is trying to find herself and her place in life. She goes where her grandma says she should go until it's in her gut that she knows it's not the right place for her. So her inner adventurous spirit paves the way for her as she experiences two other marriages that both lead to death...but my question is, does it lead to her death? She appears to be depressed and solemn after 'burying the dead', and maybe that also implies burying her old self.

I'm not sure if I have the answers to the questions I asked last year, but I know that God does and that's all that really matters for now. Perhaps I don't have all the answers, but maybe some. Answers being that I know myself more and have grown through hardships and seasons of dryness and unknowns as well as solitude and isolation. My answers have lied in being more hopeful in God's plan for my life and rest assured that He knows what he's doing and I should just enjoy the show, doing what I can but not taking credit for the what belongs to Him.

Some days I do feel like Janie, figuring out my place in life and learning from the journey as well as learning to leave behind what needs to stay behind and embracing all that lies ahead, in hope of God's ultimate plan that rests on the horizon.

Far Better Things Ahead

C.S. Lewis had it right when he coined the phrase, "There are far better things than any we leave behind." I've been drawn to this quote for some time and it has helped me in times of struggle with attachment. A glance at his wise words made me think more and appreciate this perspective.
I had a hard time leaving behind some memories and comforts of Junior College and going onto University a few years back.  However, this quote always helped me to better trust the unknown of the future and have higher hopes instead of fear of what lay ahead.

I can even recall only a year ago of what it felt like to let go and trust even more fully in myself, my interior strength and essentially God. A year ago, my dear sister moved out in her new place just a few miles over the hills with her sweet husband. I didn't know it at the time but it was really just over the hills and not too far away. But I did know that this move would be extremely difficult and emotional for me, and sure enough I was right. However, it was certainly essential for me to grow 'stronger bones' and overall a more independent spirit, but the growing pains were challenging and suffocating at times. 'The milk' or interior struggle which would essentially create these strong bones was not pleasant or enjoyable, yet necessary in order for God to work through me as well as learn more about myself while also growing closer and trusting Him. Would I had thought that there would be far better things ahead once my dear sister didn't live at home any more, no I didn't think there would be since I didn't think there could be.

A few weeks ago, I finished reading The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. Like most people trying to gain a sense of the story solely through the title, I thought it had to do with divorce as in no longer being married. After reading Lewis's wonderful work, I learned I was somewhat right about this preconceived idea, yet only slightly. The general overview is that souls in Purgatory/Hell are allowed a visit into Heaven and can decide to stay there and choose this place. The description of Purgatory/Hell ( I think it depends on how you view it from reading), but basically the overall view is that it's dark, dreary and there is no human connection or warmth. It's a very segregated and individualized city. People are waiting for a bus to pick them up and the narrator (Lewis) as well as the reader are unsure where this bus is going, why and the overall general matter that is taking place. These souls/ghosts are going somewhere they are unsure about and once they get there, they also do not know where to go or turn, but have the option of going back on the bus if they choose.
This majestic and very colorful land is nothing like where the ghosts have been, and even more different and foreign since they cannot fully participate and reveal in this place.

Overall, it's a spiritual journey novel pertaining to the Divorce of Heaven and Hell. One cannot have even a feather of sin or the Devil in them order to come to this land known as Heaven. You begin to see how hard certain attachments are and that's why the ghosts cannot fully enjoy and appreciate the beautiful glory of Heaven, yet they still have time time to change their ways before night time where no one wants to be out...evil spirits will come and other demons.

This got me thinking back to his quote once again, "There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." The ghosts in the story have a difficult time letting go of past sins and attachments from earth and accepting this new land is beyond hard and a challenge to wrap their being around. I not only enjoyed reading this amazing and deep, intricate novel, but I also thoroughly enjoyed thinking more about the concept as it enlightened some understanding of the after life and how truly weak we are as humans. I was able to join a book club discussion regarding this book and got a lot out of it.

There are numerous hidden symbolisms and it’s easy to delve deeper into discussions regarding some topics that are related. There were many things that stuck with me after this book study, but one of them that still has got me thinking was- If we had the choice to choose heaven or earth, we would choose earth not because we don’t think that heaven is good and way better than earth but because of our familiarity and comfort.

So yes, I would agree that there are better or even far better (as Lewis puts it), things ahead than any we leave behind, and it sure is a good reminder of what we choose and what we should choose. That we should choose all things pointing to Christ, even if doesn’t make sense and feels foreign to us at the moment. 

The Nile and Lined Eyes

This time of the year is always exciting because there are a lot of changes going on. In just a few days, there will be the daylight savings time which will make Fall feel more like Winter, unfortunately. The end of October brings a different tune as it's the last lead up before the onslaught and busyness of holiday rush and cheer. I feel that I am wallowing in this time of the year, in the Fall season before the end of the year comes fast approaching.

Yesterday was Halloween, and although I wouldn't say I am in love with all that this holiday entails- I still enjoy dressing up when I'm in the mood. Last year I was in the mood and this year I was too! Considering that I did the same thing as I did this year- dress up and with other Catholic young adults ask for canned goods and have a potluck at someone's house. I probably wouldn't have dressed up if I wasn't going out, and would have been the homebody I am and delve into my introverted cave.

I was unsure what to be this year, and ideas were coming left and right but didn't seem to fit fully with my personality. I was  also unsure how to pull off Gertrude Bell, especially since no one would know who I was or dressing up as a singer from ABBA and find an outfit that would look authentic yet modest at the same time.




On a beautiful and crisp Fall day in Fremont while spending much enjoyed quality time with my dear sister and brother-in-law, they treated me to a cute and quaint cafe called The Nile. They went there a few weeks prior and immediately thought of me, knowing I would enjoy the artistic wall paintings of ancient Egyptians and other eclectic and interesting art deco. I was immediately inspired and glad that a unique place like this existed not too far away from my sister's and her husband's place. My sister mentioned that I should be an Egyptian for Halloween. And from then on, I considered it as an option.

As I was getting ready to turn into an Egyptian, I suddenly recalled that a cabin I was in while at a girl's camp over 10 years ago was the Egyptian cabin. Each year this girl's camp had a theme, and that year it was civilizations. I was among other girls my age in this Egyptian cabin, and had cool counselors, one of them being my same dear sister! I loved the spirit of that cabin, as well as the energy and vibe. Us lively campers loved posing with our hands and arms positioned in front of us  like an ancient Egyptian would. We also had fun dancing and singing to the song 'Walk like an Egyptian'.

A few days before this camp started my dear sister braided all my hair, and I was in excited anticipation to really look like an Egyptian. I had fun wearing my corn rose and swishing it this way and that...It was also an excuse to not wash my hair for a few days.

To recreate this costume, it was fairly easy- really just the eye makeup, hair and costume jewelry…and I was happy to find all of this in my closet. I think those costumes are the best when you already own what you need and can recreate it in your own way. I felt that the Egyptain costume spoke with my energy and eclectic and statement jewelry style. I didn’t mind wearing some braids again as they add a fun look and after taking them out, you’re not so sure if you’re hair will turn out more wavy or poufy.  :)

Halloween has never been my favorite holiday, but I can say that I like the festivities and this time of Fall. I also find it enjoyable to get into dressing up every now and then when my mood, inspiration and energy allow me to get out of character and become another one. Perhaps being an Egyptian for Halloween will come back again next year and I’ll walk like one too.