Following Another Way

As this year of 2017 comes to a close, I can't help but reflect upon it and recall the blessings, the very real challenges and all the growing pains involved with it. I have very special memories from last year's New Years Eve. I was on a road trip with my dear sister and brother-in-law to see some of the missions. It was a needed break from the busyness of Christmas and also a nice way to spend the end of the year and the start of a new one. 

While on my walk/run this afternoon, I couldn't help but put the words of Shania Twain's oldie song 'Gonna Getcha Good' into a like metaphor of my own experience. She eagerly declares, 'Don't wantcha for the weekend, don't wantcha for a night, I'm only interested if I can have you for life.' I remember feeling strongly this way to a certain degree about our local mailman, and just craving a connection with someone and so I moved towards the USPS carrier's way and very much hoped something could be made of it. Nothing did, and the attachment of it all was very hard and letting go of what I wanted and had made up in my head wasn't easy at all.

These same lyrics from Shania also reminded me of God's own desire of pursuing us, and wanting us to develop a closer relationship with him. He doesn't just want us for a night, or a weekend, but for life. He is the one who is eager to 'get us while he's got us in sight, and if it takes all night..'

I enjoyed being in Santa Barbara last year on NYE and eating at a Thai restaurant, and contemplating the year and excited to see what's ahead. I'm glad that I can just relax and be at home this year, and reflect on this full year- so much happened, and in the end it's all a blessing. God has a great plan for us in 2018, and as Shania says as clear as day, 'I've already planned it-here's how it's gonna be..'
Happy New Year!!:):)

Winter Inspiration

Finding the FA LA LA LA this time of year a year ago wasn't easy. The joy of Advent and peace of preparing for Christmas was not present in me and it was very difficult to conquer. The Winter blues had hit hard and they weren't going away. My memory of good times and extreme hard ones don't seem to fade away easily, so I'm left with reflection and learning more about myself through the past.

A year ago, I had cried myself to sleep, angry, frustrated and feeling a lack of hope with not having what I needed and so desperately going back to it and asking God and craving it like a child would crave a chocolate bar or something like that. I woke up the next morning with heavy and puffy eyelids, still sad and frustrated, yet trying to pave the way for the silver lining. I had a chiropractor appointment that morning and I wasn't thoroughly looking forward to it, mainly because it was not the best day for it- emotionally and mentally speaking. Rushing out the door, trying to look like I hadn't cried so hard less than 12 hrs ago wasn't very successful, but I went anyways and trying not to let it matter to me so much.

If you're anything like me, I really dislike doctor offices, and anything medical really and also anything I have to fill out a lot of paper work for( hence medical). Being 24 was a very rough age for me, and this just reconfirmed that. Not knowing my place in the world, yet, still a student, but not knowing what the next step will be...all very challenging and scary things and also all very solo figuring out. The receptionist lady who looked about my age or younger asked if I was happy it was Friday. In all honesty, it didn't really matter to me since I wasn't working a full time job, and just finished finals and figuring out my emotions, life and such.

The doctor who saw me asked me some questions regarding my back and did some tests. I got some cracks out in my neck and back, my neck especially. I wasn't inclined to go back though, I felt I could figure out other solutions for my back, and felt rather uncomfortable with the whole set up of the place, and the puffy eyes, sweaty shirt and messy hair didn't help much either. I was told at the end that my mascara smeared and black stuff was under my eyes, which made me feel like a 6 year old, and questioning why I put on the non water proof mascara this time.

What cheered me up was the new movie that has just come out and my mom and I were going to see. La La Land had gotten great reviews and I was excited to see it. From the excerpt, it sounded like it had a mix of classic old times and modern and hip vibes. I really enjoyed the movie, the score, the acting, the story line, all the bright colors and all the dance moves. It was creative, classy and original which is super hard to find these days in the movie world.

My FA LA LA LA was found in the film, La La Land. My inspiration was tuned into Emma Stone's quirky character and witty remarks and Ryan Gosling's piano playing and smooth dance moves. The film had lifted my spirits enough to feel hope, and comfort through what I was going through then.

December was a hard and emotional month last year, and so were the months to come. It felt like the pain lingered on with Winter. The bare trees were symbolic for the internal desert that resided within me. Looking back, it's very interesting to recall all of these feelings, emotions and memories. I can feel and see how much I've grown with suffering times that seemed to have no expiration date or even at times no reason, the tears would just come without notice.

In contrast, this Advent season has been a nice one in the sense of no heavy tears, or aching internal or spiritual pain. I can appreciate even more because I know what I had to go through to where I am now. God works like that at times. Allowing our hardships and defeats shape us into our better selves but also keep us seeking Him and to keep on trusting Him  no matter what. It's almost like a testimony of our Faith, and at times all we really have to hold on to. This is what I was reminded of from reading a prayer excerpt in the Magnificat today, and it made me think and reflect upon my experiences.

I feel that this year, I can express more of the joy and hope that Advent and the special season of Christmas bring. The simplicity, the prayer reflections, being more intentional with my time, and really valuing and appreciating this Christmas season as something to be cherished, and treasured. I would say that there is no barren desert that is bleak and dreary anymore like there was before. Christ is coming, and He will take care of the rest. He is the joy, the hope, and all of the FA LA LA LA's. Although I would love to see La La Land again, I know what I need way more than a clever and entertaining movie to set my mood right and attempting to lift my spirits will never compare to what Jesus can do, for He is the star, the light and the show.

Making Room

Here we are, December and in less than 24 hours the Advent season is here! I really love Advent and this time of year, yet I have a difficult time balancing the things of the secular world -seasons greetings and ho ho ho and holiday cheer, and the peaceful and angelic world of the Christian world of this season. I want to be more intentional with my gift giving as well as well as my time this year. To really prepare myself well for this very special and important season that can easily be overlooked and overly familiar. But it's not overly familiar since we can also gain something from it year after year, as we are always growing and changing and learning new things about our faith and about ourselves as well. That's the beauty in it all and the richness which we need not quickly pass by or overlook, and that's what I want to teach myself as another Advent and Christmas season is on the horizon.

I would like to really value and appreciate all the blessings of this year and have more time for reflection and going deeper. As a melancholy introvert, I very much need my alone time to process and take time for myself where I can hone in on my needed energy and inspiration again. I want to find more time in the day to relish this as it can be so easy to do other things and get busy with work and volunteer, which are all good, though this time of nourishment and preparation need to be found outside of work and the hustle and bustle of the outside world.

I felt that this week was an adjustment to get back into the swing of things after the busy Thanksgiving holiday week/end. It felt like a busy break for me, and my rejuvenation period didn't feel as long as I would like it to. There were various things going on this week- studying for my upcoming CBEST test, volunteer, work, parish library organization, adoration, exercise class, cooking, errands, heavy reading...

The weeks can go by quickly but they are also tiring but nicely touched with variety and change of scenery from day to day. I am grateful for this season where I can be on a one on one basis with my students and make it my own. To help my mom with the parish library brings me comfort and inspiration to make this place inviting and cozy and interesting. My passion for books and reading has come out in another way and I'm happy to use it in an unique way!

 Serving local seniors weekly gives me a sense of purpose and joy and moments of interaction with them also please me. Exercise class gives me a lot of energy which I didn't know I had, and gives me space and outlet for my dance moves. Adoration is a nice time to stop and slow down, pray and reflect in the middle of the week. The heavy reading that I did this week made me reflect more on all that I have and all that I should be much more grateful for. Reading an immigrant/refugee story is heart wrenching, at times painful, very intriguing and also heart breaking, with a glimmer of a happy ending. I couldn't put the book down, and I truly felt I was in the midst of war torn Syria, experiencing what determined and courageous Doaa, a young woman who was facing and enduring with her family. They eventually were able to flee to Egypt until things were exceedingly getting worse there as well. Her soon to be husband suggested traveling to Europe and making a better life for themselves there. All tragedy and evil break loose, so I will stop there. I knew about the refugee crisis facing our modern world today, but not in much detail. My international studies classes had touched upon them but not to this level, and it made me interested in learning more about this severe issue that is complex, yet something to not be overlooked.

Reading this highly interesting and remarkable story, 'A hope more powerful than the sea' made me reflect upon refugees and all that they have to go through, experience and endure in order to make a better life and future for their family and dear loved ones. In Jesus' time, Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus were refugees fleeing King Herod and finding a safe haven. Even upon Jesus' birth, traveling and searching for enough room for Him to lay. It made me think if I have enough room to help in some way refugees experiencing crisis, and to make more room for Jesus in my life and in my heart throughout this Advent and Christmas season and into the new liturgical year.