The Internal World

Our inner selves are a mystery. We cannot see them but it can shape our being and our decisions as well as influence the world around us. Our hearts, our minds, our souls are internal and play a big role in our lives, our thoughts, our personalities, our creativity and our spiritual lives. As I mentioned in a former post, last month was no walk in the park. I felt and was suffering internally and with the annoyances of job situations as well as the unknown and uncertainties of everything. The sky was gloomy and I felt like it too. I didn't know that my TB would be positive as well as my blood test. With going back and forth for health paperwork, I became so exhausted, frustrated and impatient with how everything was unfolding. I had to get a chest x-ray and I was very relieved and happy to find out that there were no issues with my lungs. Now I know that I was exposed to some form of TB and grateful at least for the time being that it hasn't taken over my internal organs, and can look to the saints who had and died because of TB~ Blessed pier Giorgio Frassati, Saint Therese of Lisieux and Saint Gemma Galgani to name a few.

What a surprise, and I felt that I was bombarded with surprises from God. I thought, 'Wow God you are really pushing me out of my comfort zone and how uncomfortable it is, and didn't you know that I dislike surprises?' But as I am learning, God is always shaping us and wanting us to mold into who he wants us to be and being and always staying comfortable isn't one of them. As I was to go into the health clinic once again, (which felt like the 15th time in the past 6 weeks) I ran into an old friend whom I lost touch with a few years back. Another surprise that literally jolted me inside and feeling unprepared for the day let alone unprepared for a surprise appearance made it very difficult to continue living in the present and living in peace. My heart knew more than my head how to respond and sometimes there aren't any words just a deep intuitive feeling about everything.

I was surprised with yet another experience, and not my favorite which pertains to health. I learned that I need to cut my sugar levels low and beyond low than I imagined was necessary. I've always been the sweet tooth and can relate with others who are fond of sweets and desserts. I've never seen myself as a health nut and never appreciated those that were proud of it but in my own sense I've learned to become one because I have to and I want to care about my diet more and overall be more aware of what I'm eating. Luckily, it's been easier than I thought it would be and find that it's a habit like most things. Another internal mystery that I would have never really known.

I can't help but associate the internal with the spiritual and the Sacrament of Confession. It is a very healing and transforming sacrament and experience. It's worth the long waits in line or feeling nervous and it's a plus if you go to a great priest. After going to confession, my car didn't start. I knew it was having some trouble but it was inconsistent. I felt healed and cleansed internally but clearly my car had internal issues and would be parked at the church for some time which is a better place than most places to not have your car working. Very luckily, my dear brother-in-law was able to figure out the problem and fix it and show me how as well.

One of my favorite priests at a local parish says the most reverent Masses, and his messages and peaceful and prayerful presence stay with me. Last week while saying a Mass, he accidentally dropped the host after the consecration and I could sense that something happened. He gave an anecdote about falling and sliding before celebrating a qinceanera and how all the people there were laughing at him. He was in a lot of pain and with a lot of strength got up and said to them 'It's okay, you can keep laughing. I'm sure when Jesus fell people were laughing at him.' And then he said how the people listening started to cry instead. He related this back to how Jesus fell on the floor when he accidentally dropped him and how we all fall because of sin in our own lives but Jesus redeems and lifts us up. Wow, I really loved his connection and although we cannot see Jesus, He is there present in the Host and He spiritually feeds us. What another great internal and spiritual mystery!

Our internal being reveals a part of ourselves that the external cannot, it has its own. I feel that I have learned more my interior in various facets, and to not disregard it but continuing listening and respecting it. God speaks to us in many ways. I think a main way for me is through my intuition and my internal self, so I should continuing trusting in that.

The Former Years, The Blooming Years

One doesn't often think of their childhood and the world happenings and culture at that time until one reads about another. This came to me while reading a book about Former First Lady, Laura Bush's life. I never knew a lot about the First Lady. Her and her husband's time in office was when I was in 2nd grade. I always associated class, refinement, commitment and Christianity to the Bush's Presidency. Now that I'm reading and learning more about Laura Bush, I'm also learning about the time period in which she grew up in which were the 1950's and 60's.

Yesterday evening my sister and I went to a young woman spiritual book club. I had never been to one of these before and somehow felt leery of  a kind of group gathering. I've tried numerous spiritual groups, bible studies and it never felt quite like a fit or something that I wanted to keep coming back to. Yesterday felt different though. It was at a girl's house which made it inviting, intimate, and welcoming. My social life has felt so stagnant and dry for a while. A vast, dry desert is what I tend to think of and the rain and greenery is what I wanted and needed but didn't know how or where to begin. An enjoyable gathering and a great discussion and openness filled the room with the cat of the house looking in through window. It felt like Spring came early with the room blooming with faith filled discussions, joy, hope and generous ears. I couldn't help but think that one of the girls there looked familiar maybe from Middle school. I felt like my mind was depicting the exact grade where I could have seen this person. I asked her but it seemed like there was no prior familiarity.

I decided to look at that 8th grade yearbook anyway. I don't usually look at my yearbooks, and I can't remember the last time I peered through this one. All of a sudden, I was brought back in time like I was reliving my 14 year old self again. I feel very glad that I am not let alone a middle school student. Memories flooded back of that school year. Of course, I can't recall every detail but I can remember some main events. I remember my class mates and trying to find out who my friends were amid friend drama and disappointments. I remember the teachers I had, the hard and daunting ones and just the overall normal and fine teachers and classes that were expected. I can remember the lively times in choir and the not so enjoyable ones in English due to my newbie teacher who had his own quirks. I remember my first foreign language class that year, French with Madame Ottoway and singing a solo for my Promotion.

All in all, my memory brought forth that it was a challenging and growing year and finding my place within friendships, transitions and school. I couldn't help but think of my classmates and where are some of them now after a little over a decade. I was comparing this time to Laura Bush's growing up years. When I was in 8th grade there were certain trends and fashions such as the iPod, and cell phones were pretty new, but overall things were more simpler than now. There were no social media outlets and technology wasn't as advanced or modern. Girls had a certain style with their fashion and hair just like Laura Bush's time r any other. There were popularity contests and though I didn't win any of them, Laura Bush won best smile.

It got me thinking that the people I used to know from those days, the people in my past are living in our modern world with our modern day problems, issues and events leading our times. Yesterday at Mass, the priest talked about and mentioned the harmful things our country and world are going through. It was good to hear in an open setting in a priest's homily and I wish all priests were more open and comfortable talking about topics that are more controversial or at times uncomfortable. We need to hear and be reminded as well as lead in this way. Perhaps I should pray for those afflicted with certain struggles who may even include my former classmates, as we all have in our own way, in our sins, brokenness and imperfection.

The days of 8th grade, Middle School, popularity, awkward transitions, first pimples and crushes and loud bus rides are over and gone like the passing of dust in the desert. Our world and time is passing away but God is constant. He knows our past, present and future and has it all in His hands. The modern trends, the fitting in to certain groups, the awkward dances and disappointments with no one asking you to dance, the ambiguous friendships and social groups have all passed away and are like a blink in the amount of time, shut away in a dusty yearbook. I'm looking forward to continue reading about the Former First Lady, Laura Bush, strive to grow more in character and faith and create new friendships.