Faith and Hope on a Mountain

I wanted to reflect upon this year before the year ends. And I've been thinking about this post for a while, trying to come up with some words, ideas, descriptions of this year's theme, meaning to me. It's hard to believe this year of 2019 only carries with it 3 more days until a new year and new decade begin! I had some time before the business and distractions of Christmas preparation took underway to reflect and think of some symbols or ways to describe this year.

This year would be described as unknown, uncertain, unpredictable. It was full of surprises and twists and turns like the first day of the year going up the Mountain, higher and higher the summit, the nooks and crannies were becoming further and further away, and everything looked small except the skyline. Thinking about going up this landmark Mountain makes me think of the many various moments throughout the year. Exploring it on the first day of the year is special to see its wonders, and to experience the vastness and beauty of the area. It was a beautiful but very crisp, chilly and windy winter day, sometimes it even made me laugh because the wind was so strong. I even got a smile from a stranger as he saw me put on my warm beanie to cover my head and my ears. The year was in full view, anything was possible and there was so much to look forward to and ahead. I had just landed a job with young children at a Jewish school that was somewhat exciting but very much unknown. It would only be a few short days later that my world would be upside down in where things were headed, and it was out of my control to keep things moving. I could only trust and hope in God's provision and plan, and it was one of the hardest moments to do so.

The winter chill lasted in the air as well as in my head, and thoughts. As I assumed things could only get better and strike a more positive tone, it became a lot harder than I imagined. My prayers were answered in ways I had never thought they would be answered as our prayers usually are. Coming closer to Christ, loving Him more is a prayer we can all ask, desire or murmur in our hearts and God hears it still. Looking back, I feel God answered this prayer, thought, intention of mine in this particular job in which everything was hard, painful, annoying, and a different kind of humility pie on the daily. It was a surprise I had never expected or anticipated for and truly relying and holding on to Christ, growing deeper in my faith and in His sufferings on the Cross. It grew me more united with Him in a way that was very intimate, raw, and uncomfortable but beautiful all the same.

The spring was the time of spiritual renewal and where it started to become more real in the daily grind of work, hardship, misunderstandings and quiet moments at Mass before work, holding on to Him who would give me the grace for another day. Also, asking a prayer to Our Lady for her powerful intercession. I was living out my faith in my own way before work, trying to remember the message at Mass while at work and say some prayers throughout the day, and visit the chapel and adoration afterwards. I felt like my schedule, my focus was surrounded on God. I was experiencing a lot of indescribable pain that I knew it was what I needed and primarily Who I could complain to, seek, be with after a long day of cute kids, noise, bending over and standing many times throughout, and being inside my head.

The months of enduring remnants of persecution and hardship quietly were soon over, and I knew I needed to turn the page in this chapter, and year and take a break, refocus and recollect on all the past 6 months had offered and all that had happened. Summer was a lovely time to enjoy the freedom of schedule, to release all the stress and tension I had had and to heal from the wounds and negative feelings of others and myself, all the difficult memories of my former job. There were a lot of unknowns and question marks throughout this season as well, yet sometimes they were covered up by the bright summer day or the peaceful, and lovely inspired evenings on runs or sitting on the porch.

My niece was able to visit and other family members came, but all among the midst of this my heart was heavy with where I was going and what the rest of the year would look like. I tried to stay upbeat and inspired with staying focused on my goals like studying for the English CBEST section and reorganizing things around my room, or continuing to read and look up good books to read, and keeping up with exercise. But my prayer was always the question of where I was supposed to be, what would happen and continued hope, and trust that He would heal my former hard experiences.

Just 2 days before I would start my yet again new job, my sister had her birthday and we went up the same landmark Mountain and I could recall my memories from January 1st. I had to hope and see the possibilities again after being let down months prior. The unknown was right in my face again as I would start on a new path, a new journey and see where it would lead. A few weeks prior, I felt inspired to start learning Hebrew and take a break from my studies of Arabic as something inside felt like a light had turned off for the time being. The first word I learned in Hebrew was peace, Shalom! I still desire to learn this beautiful and ancient language and have Arabic as a guide and counterpart in the process. I have even said a few words to my cute and sweet nephew to practice and he smiles big.

With this Fall semester passed, I must say it has gone by fast! The days have easily turned into weeks and weeks months. I'm working at a school with kids, but much bigger kids than before- high schoolers who just as much need their own set of attention, support and care from their educators. And I feel proud to be a part of that, and from day 1, day 2 and so forth knew it was a good fit for me overall, I could sense it in my bones, in my energy and in my thoughts. I can see the same Mountain from the classroom window, as my desk and the wide window face this majestic landmark. And I remember hope and faith that symbolize it, that faith can move mountains if we believe and trust.

This Fall was inspiring and enriching in its own way and finally felt calm and serene after a heavy storm that passed through. Autumn sprinkled on its pumpkin flare, and I felt like me again not only because its my favorite season but because I was able to see the fruits of the labor from the months before and able to enjoy it, feel peace with a sense of stability. I could easily miss the gratitude in the quite hectic year if it wasn't for the earlier half being what it was. I wouldn't be so thankful for where I am if I wasn't where I was before, to see what God has done and shown me through out this year.

I want to finish this year strong, in the sense of appreciating and loving all that has happened this year- the challenging, the hurts, the tears, the joys, the good, the quiet, the unknown. It wouldn't be 2019 without them and I wouldn't be where I am today without God allowing and willing it all to happen, so I am grateful for that as well. About a year ago at this time my sister, mom and I went to Monterrey and Carmel to see the Mission there. Something about visiting a mission during the Christmas season is very special and distinctive to remember, as it recalls a reflective time and a joyful time of Christ's birth.

I can recall the Nativity scene with all its angels, shepherds and of course Jesus, Mary and Joseph. It reflected simplicity, beauty and wonder. Right across from this smaller Nativity scene enclosed in a glass case was the figure of Jesus crucified on the Cross on Good Friday. It was somewhat strange to see these two contrasting images and depiction of Jesus' life, the most important, His birth and His death, our salvation. It dawned on me that these two images that are not solely images or events but feasts in our Church and celebrations and cause for reflection are intertwined and related to one another, the other can not be existing with out the other. One you could say represents joy, the other suffering or deep sorrow at least initially since then afterwards is Jesus' Resurrection which also reveals hope. It's the same with our lives, they can mirror each other with its joy and gladness and then when life becomes more difficult, painful and uncertain.

Joseph mirrors the example of carrying for the his family, the Holy Family- as it is the feast for tomorrow. The same mission we saw last year had the figurines nicely and beautifully displayed of the baby Jesus, Mary Our Mother and Joseph all serene and joyful looking down at Him. I noticed right away that Joseph was holding a lighted lamp and that resonated with me. He is the leader, the protector and is lighting the path, the way to Christ. He will continue to do so this Christmas and new year, and it gives me inspiration and hope to trust in St. Joseph as he leads the baby Jesus and Our Lady to where God leads them. May he also lead me in hope, faith and trust into this new year.