The Intricacies of the Heart

We are in the Lenten season, and it's the time of year of sacrifice, and fasting and doing or giving up something. I have come to appreciate Lent as of recently because of what it allows us to do and prepare for- Easter, and uniting more with Jesus' passion and growing closer to Him. I remember learning more about Lent in Confirmation class and it wasn't a very enjoyable time of the year, with winter and the cold weather in session still, on top of having everything feel like a dry desert in the spiritual life in order to mimic Jesus' 40 days in the desert. The lay out of the churches are bare and dry to the bone, usually with a hint of purple and a water jug that is empty to symbolize various things when it comes to the spiritual life. Back in high school for Confirmation, seeing images like these wasn't very inspiring and on top of school work and the work load of being a student or on a sports team, having to do something for Lent wasn't very inspiring or fun.

I went to an evening Mass for Ash Wednesday, and the church became full to the brim rather quickly. Once again, the memories of daily mass at this church a year ago brought back reflections of what things looked like for me, and how things were. I saw how the church was displayed for Lent, and the water jug that I mentioned earlier brought back memories of that Confirmation class. I understood the meaning in that we need to empty ourselves, and reform our old ways. As the verse goes, 'Rend your hearts, not your garments, and return to the Lord, your God.' (Prophet Joel 2:12) Lent is about transforming our hearts, not just about giving something up, but how whatever we are doing is making us pray more, more generous, and ultimately drawing us closer to God.

So many things come to my mind when speaking of this water jug, and our hearts. Only 2 weeks ago we had Valentine's Day, but I'm not speaking of a Valentine's heart that is perfectly shaped, since we are broken people with real hearts. The priest who gave the Ash Wednesday Mass used the message of Pope Francis for his homily, and he talked about taking out the dust from our lives, our hearts. Ashes we are and they are on our foreheads as a reminder, but the dust is also in other places that we need to get rid of. I thought that was a very powerful message and viewpoint to start out this season.

I recently finished a good spiritual book called Jesus the Bridegroom:The greatest Love Story Ever Told. It was very insightful, and part of the book the author went into further detail of the Woman at the Well, and the significance of it, one that I had never heard of before. I think most people are at least familiar with the story, but I did not know that it was a sign of betrothal for a Jewish man in that time to wait or meet a woman at a well in terms of getting married. Jesus was in that position with this woman in order to lead her to the truth, and to lead her to Him. Her water jug she had as well but everything she was doing in her life,  her 5 former relationships with men and another who were not her husbands were not fulfilling her. I happen to have this image of the Woman at the Well and Jesus there speaking truth into her life on my bedroom wall with the words on the image from St. Augustine, 'Jesus thirsts that we may thirst for Him.' How relevant it is to each of us, especially during this holy time of Lent, to deepen our hearts, minds, and souls.

Our hearts are not only spiritual but also physical. For the past week or two, I've been walking past chalked hearts on campus from a Science class learning about the structure, function and shape of this fist shaped muscle. Every time I walk past it, I say a little prayer for my dear nephew inside my dear sister's womb who has his a heart condition that we are all praying for. Our hearts speak to us, as I know the Holy Spirit has spoken and guided my own heart in ways that can be hard to describe. Right now I am reading a book called To the Heart of the Matter by the founder of 40 days for Life, Shawn Carney. It's such an enriching and insightful read that talks about abortion, but how we can be witnesses to life and the pro-life cause just in our daily actions and lives. During this Lenten season, I want to make time to pray outside Planned Parenthood with 40 days, as lives and hearts our changed through our efforts and prayers.

There are moments that speak to our hearts in ways that are not always serious but rather fun, lively and full of God's beauty, like an awe filled sunset, or making jewelry with your dear sisters and laughing and talking like sisters do. May there be joy in our hearts this season on Lent, and to continue to draw closer to our Lord.

A Reminder From the Fish

This year has had an interesting start. It's already shared its own growing pains, discernment, and deeper thoughts. Contemplating my younger brother who didn't live after a day of being born due to his own health complications has got me thinking about him more, as his birthday and death date come around in the next month. I think about how his presence in my life would have changed me, strengthened me, renewed me and shaped me in different ways that I can't fully imagine or comprehend. Working with students with their own special needs on varying levels and seeing other students around campus with higher needs makes me think of him, who is my little brother, my angel, and my family's guide when looking to heaven, for he is guiding us all.

There have been many thoughts also as to where's the next step for me. It's an interesting place to be of not sure where the road ahead leads and which one to take if that. There are options, ideas, hopes, and sometimes a blank space, an empty canvas. I can focus a lot on the present, but when I look to the future I become scared and unsure, and not always wanting to think about it. But looking towards it forces me to plan ahead, and create something, and become invested and excited.

While in college as well as post-grad, there has been plenty of room and experiences for innovation and making something my own. At times I can feel like a pro of attempting or trying to entertain and preoccupy myself since it didn't always feel like there were many options, or options that peaked my interest. There's been a lot of solo journeys, mostly inside my head as to how to make a situation better. These almost 3 years of post-grad have taught me a lot as well as similar but also very different from what my own experiences in college did.

 One of the similar things from college and now is my high interest and passion is for international related things. I still am curious, interested and wanting to keep up my language learning and studies, as I have branched out from my Chinese studies in college. My major and main focus was international studies, and this still interests me today, whether it be historical, geographical, cultural, or even economical; my mind and my heart still move towards this, still pawing and researching for more. More books based on it, a news article or clip, a language book, a book about someone experiencing language or culture immersion, or learning from someone going abroad themselves for various reasons and learning and gaining a whole new experience, vantage point, and many other things in the process.

With all of these thoughts, reflections and discernments on my heart, I can continue to put full hope, and trust in God's guidance and hand in all things, for he puts the stirrings on my heart, desires I never knew I had but prayed for. He has a plan that is beautiful, wonderful, completely in his hands, his timing, and in his way.

I have yet to learn Sign language (another language:)), and want to converse with a dear friend of mine and also know it is very useful. On Sunday, I will (finally) take a jewelry making class with my tow dear sisters. I have wanted for a long time to learn how to make my own jewelry and wear it. :) I also have yet to get back into water color, and make my own stationary. There have been various to-do lists in my head, whether small or big to accomplish and check off or enjoy and rejuvenate while in the process.

While babysitting my sweet nephew last weekend, we went to a near by lake area and saw the nice fish with different colors swim around. My nephew was so intrigued by them, and I was too. It's not common I see fish, let alone big and bright colored ones like some of those. I rarely cook fish, but maybe more now once Lent starts up. As this blog of mine depicts fish in the name, (and the main roots and foundations of how and why this blog started in the first place relate to some thing mentioned earlier), I couldn't help but think what it means reflecting back on those fish that my nephew and I saw together. The metaphor that I give it here on this blog gives me a sense of encouragement and hope to not doubt or become dreary but to continue 'swimming' and seeking that inspiration, enlightenment, and joy even amidst the pain, unknowns and suffering. So, that's what I will continue to try and do, as this season has its own lessons to learn, along with the helpful reminder of the fish, and of course, with the grace of God.