Flashbacks That Don't Fade

 I recently had a flashback. At first it was subtle and I didn't think much of putting words down on paper, but just letting it sift through my mind and then disappear like most flashbacks do. But then just yesterday, a similar flashback occurred that was stronger and much clearer. It was almost vivid where I can remember the feeling of things, words, emotions, and experiences. I looked around for my notebook diary later, the one that I wrote in during that time that was actually more like a prayer journal, and I knew I had to write about it. The memories and flashbacks from 2010!

It started with celebrating my sweet sister's birthday yesterday (2 days early) at her new apartment. And watching the light hearted rom-com 'Leap Year'. I wouldn't think that this movie would bring back so many memories and start up again this 'flashback'. But a little over 10 years ago, I turned 18 and watched this  movie, enjoying it and thinking it clever. I think my older brother liked parts of it (and the main character reminded me of him):), but my younger brother didn't like it at all, and couldn't understand why I would want to see it again just a week or two later when my dear sisters were home to share in the laughs. I also remember my younger brother and I had quite a lot of arguments, and bickering with one another during this time.

The summer was slowly turning into Fall that year and transitions would be happening, again. The Fall before was very difficult and painful with all 3 of my older sisters moving out in the same week, amidst the changes and adjustments with my little brother, academically hard classes, the daunting responsibilities of being President for a club, and feeling lonely and the weight of it all. I knew that it would look different arriving into my Senior year of HS, but still didn't know what to expect. And perhaps some pressure of making it a great year, with activities, opportunities, friends,ect... I was used to having my own room after my sister moved out for college, so the freedom of decorating it and designing if how I liked wasn't as new or weird for me. 

The summer was somewhat busy with helping out with my oldest sisters day camp in Santa Maria, and staying with her, my brother-in-law and cute niece. I remember my brother-in-law drove me from the half way point all the way to Santa Maria for my sister's camp and mentioning what I might like to study in college or where I'd like to go for school. I didn't have much of an opinion, but somehow Math was on my mind since I did really well Junior year, liked my teacher a lot and felt really proud in how well I did, and actually enjoyed equations, numbers. That obviously quickly changed. Words, writing, books and the English world would continue to captivate and interest me.  There was also planning for the other Catholic girls camp I would help out with each year and the excitement and enjoyment of seeing all my friends and contacts again was pure summer, and a big reward from a whole school year of long awaited reconnecting. 

In early August, my sister had a great idea of making a road trip of visiting our cousin in Ashland, Oregon. We had some childhood memories in Ashland and in parts of Oregon and many, many with our only girl cousin, and it had been a while. That trip with the 4 of us sisters up to the 10 hour or so drive was fun, exciting, exhausting, and a weekend to remember, now 10 years later!

Throughout this time, I would write letters with my dear older brother Matthew. He knew I was in Santa Maria for a week so he wrote me a letter sent there where I was staying. My dear sister moved back to SF come August or early September, and I knew the hard parts would start all over again. With a newness to the school year, figuring out recurring friendships, and knowing 2 friends of mine would be moving away was hard and uncertain. I can't remember all the details, but I interviewed and got a job at IHOP and it was an exciting start but also a very daunting one, it being my first 'real' job. And with the demands of harder classes, since I was also taking challenging classes like AP Psychology, Civics, and Anatomy. It was a nerve racking new role of going to work after school and also studying for quizzes, tests and accomplishing assignments. 

What also brought a flashback to me was wearing earrings yesterday that my dear sister gave to me for my birthday 10 years ago, and I wore them to a homecoming dance. And the dress was one she shopped for and got for me. :)

That first semester felt like a learning curve. I visited my dear sister in SF but I regret I should have made more of an effort for other visits. Taking public transit by myself was also a new and somewhat scary thing. But I remember when I visited her, it was a lot of fun, seeing her nicely decorated room and living space, going to the Opus Dei center, and talking late into the night- mentioning the club at school I used to have and feeling pressure restarting it, and loving her new hair do with her blunt bangs, and just sister soul talk. I missed her at home but visiting her quaint and cute place felt almost as homey in my heart. 

Like I mentioned, I was writing letters to my older brother who I looked up to a lot and the friendship and bond we had was so special, comforting, a treasure. The letters cheered me up when I was having hard days, or just when I needed a friend, a connection, or a guy's perspective. I still have kept these letters as I find them really interesting and special to look back on, reminiscence the old days and what was going on in our lives. 

I remember I always looked forward to family visiting to bring a little brightness, comfort and excitement. Things were shifting and it was always really nice to hear about my siblings' lives as they looked so different from mine. Their presence was a piece of home that once was, but it was always really hard when one or multiple of them left after a weekend or a holiday function. I always felt like I was left behind, I couldn't relate, couldn't be part of it after they left. I recall many tears, sadness and emotional struggle as the transition was so hard and trying to be inspired or look forward to things was challenging initially. 

Looking back, I can see all these growing pains, experiences as so unique, and special. Peeking into the views of my high school mind, and now working at a high school is very interesting! Sometimes I don't feel too different in the ways I think or do things, but overall have learned, gained, and experienced so much this past decade. As the well known author Sandra Cisneros foretells in her short story 'Eleven' that's written about which some of the students I work with are reading ,..."Even though you continue to age, you bring along the past with you. The past experiences of the younger you is still a part of your personality even as you get older." 

What will be next? What will the next 5, 10 years look like? In all honesty I have no idea and would never thought all that happened would and where I am today. Life can be full of surprises, and God is the master of it all. May He continue to lead me by the hand. 

Walking in Hope

 It feels so interesting going back to a place you've been and see things differently, in a new way, a different form, past memories, thoughts, feelings. It's like everything is drifted away somewhere in the sky like a balloon, and it wont come down. I can recall these memories from before school closed due to COVID-19, there were so many questions as to how things would look and the outcome of it all. I remember back in the middle of March hearing about the closure of school for a definite 4 weeks was a blow for me but I heard some students exclaiming in excitement from a 'break'. 

As I was walking on campus and headed back to my classroom I remember the daunting thought of it all. What would I do for 4 weeks? I felt sad and unsure of what things would look like and for how long. It was all very strange, and felt out of control. Of course, those 4 weeks extended themselves and added up to the rest of the school year and though summer was different it wasn't much easier either. 

It has been such an interesting journey these past months as many can say the same based on their own unique, difficult, and heavy situation. It feels almost surreal that I am back where I once was physically but feel interiorly different- grown, changed, experienced. These past 5 months have really shaped me and stretched me in ways I would have never imagined, wanted or anticipated. No one saw what was starting to happen in March coming, or the effects and extreme aftermaths. 

It was a deep challenge and loss to not be able to finish out the school year, and instead have things turn out the way they did. There would have been a lot of joy and excitement ending a school year, saying goodbye to students and starting off summer that was well deserved, appreciated and enjoyable. 

However, I wouldn't be in the spot I am now if it weren't for all the suffering, waiting, anticipation, and disappointment these past months. I feel like I've learned a lot about myself and I wasn't even in the classroom, or on a school campus. The school of life was the teacher, I was the student and the test was perseverance, faith, courage, and hope.

Now with a new school year ahead, journey and added doses of faith and hope, I'm excited to see what God has in store. It wont be an easy breeze as its a whole new chapter that looks similar on the outside but very different on the inside. But I feel grateful for where I am now, and see all the graces from God. I don't feel as attached to what was as my mind is a bit blurry since the sense of pain, suffering and waiting are more vivid and clear, yet they have and are providing virtue and a testament of faith. Hindsight is always 2020, and isn't it interesting, funny, ironic even that we are in the year 2020, when hopefully the hardships will be more clear later on. 

And to give this year of 2020 more credit, and a positive stroke, I want to think of 20 things I am grateful for either in general or from this year, and 20 things I am looking forward to. The year isn't over yet and even if its been a debilitating, frustrating, uncertain, challenging year, good things will come from this, even simple things that I continue to remind myself of. 

So with this next step, journey in the road, the little steps of every day are important. And though it can feel dry (not just with the air quality) but also in other facets, God is the fountain of life and will water where I am planted, grounded and blooming even when it doesn't feel like it.

A New Season

 It's the last night before my dear sister moves out. It's also my other dear sister and my brother-in-law's wedding anniversary, and his birthday. Today marks the first day of school, online, and I can't help but think of a year ago anticipating what would happen, and waiting for an outcome with my job. Now a year later, so much looks different, but I can see a lot of growth and graces amidst the changes and transitions. 

Yes, transitions are a part of life. Now it is summer and pretty soon the layers of the sun will peel into Fall, a Libra sun and golden and orange leaves and the year will be slowly wrapping up. I can admit that I am looking forward to the next season not just in terms of the calendar year but also the next phase in the journey.

As I was exiting the church this afternoon, I couldn't help but notice the magnolia trees outside, and how they no longer had their white flowers blooming, beautiful for all to see. I forgot that by August they go back to their 'regular' look and it wont be until next spring when they will show off their 'perfume' once again. I love these trees and my dear sister knows how much. She recently gave me a card with a picture of them with a very endearing, meaningful and special message. I see these white flowers as a sign of hope.

 But now with these white blossoms no longer present, it makes me see hope and God's ways in a new light. I see hope not absent completely, but rather growing silently, progressively, mysteriously hidden. These flowers are now gone and this next season of growth and transition aren't absent of hope and joy nor bleak with running colors of gray like a water color piece. I see this next season as a season of trust and confidence, continual hope even if I can no longer see the white flowers, even if it will look differently and won't necessarily be easy. God is still at work, though it is hidden and mysterious, it is still beautiful. 

This stillness, silence, solitude is all what I am learning about in the book I am reading called 'The Power of Silence' by Cardinal Robert Sarah. Silence is the way God speaks and how He moves and works. It is through silence that He communicates and how we hear Him. I find the points and reflections in this book to be awe inspiring and full of meaning, depth and introspection. It allows you to reflect and think about the Presence of silence and the presence inside of you.

And relying on this Presence, God is allowing me to trust more in everything else that feels very difficult, bitter and confusing. I felt drawn to a bracelet while browsing a Christian store, and the verse on it Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things in Him who strengthens me." And it just so happened to be this same verse that my dear sister wrote on a pouch for Christmas. This verse also helped me a lot when I was going through a rough time earlier this spring with my sleep, and I wrote it near my bed so I would see it. And it will provide consolation now as this next season awaits to begin, a new journey, a new adventure.

Another form of consolation was seeing the Tuesday prayer to St. Anthony of Padua. I thought it was very relevant in what I was going through. "St. Anthony, you were challenged by change and new experiences so many times in the course of your life. Help me not to be afraid of the changes that will take place in my own life and to realize that by dealing with them I will grow in faith."

As transitions and changes happen, prayer and seeking that consolation is very helpful. What also helps me is delving into creative projects, thoughts, and goals. I still need to keep my mind busy and somewhat active, hopeful for the future and inspired with possibilities and ideas. For God knows what I need, how I am made and the plan for what is ahead.