Unlike Any Other

 I can't help but end this year of 2020 with writing and reflection on here. It truly has been a year all its own, with various happenings or what felt like not at all, to changes and transitions that were unexpected, and to surprises all in between, with God's graces and hand guiding every step, moment and day with his mercy, love and provision. I look forward to what's ahead in 2021, yet also unsure of what to expect after a challenging year 2020 has been. But I also loom forward with continual hope, faith and trust that God knows what he's doing. 

I wanted to do a recap of the year, throughout the months and see all the blessings, beauty, gifts, graces amidst the ordinary, hard, mundane, joys and unknowns. 

January: 

It started out with going back to work, knowing full well the sudden and very tragic deaths of 3 High school students and 2 others who were severely injured. It was a solemn, melancholy and very sad way to start out the new year after a relaxing break. And I could read the student's faces, all full of tears, loss, despair and no words to fully express their hurts. 

I remember training up to the last moment for the Chocolate Run 5k with my sister, brother and his girlfriend. Early, early morning to rise and go to SF for the race. A chilly, and January dreariness that only sings of anticipation and possibilities for the year ahead! I was proud of myself for running almost all of the course and was remined how mental running truly is. 

I admit that it was a taste of how the rest of the year would look like, at least interiorly. The race would be a metaphor of staying strong in my faith through the tough times and unknowns. January was where all sorts of questions ran through my head of what's next in terms of my future, career, goals, vocation. So much written and revealed on my heart and I continue to trust in God. 

February:

It brought more discernments, but also room to grow and hope as in small ways things were being revealed. It was the month where we officially heard the diagnosis of Ignacio's heart condition, it was crushing, hard, scary and uncertain. There were also nice times like taking the jewelry class with my sweet sisters or reading good books like 'The 4 Loves' by C.S. Lewis, or '15 days of prayer with the Cure of Ars'. I was learning Hebrew, but was deciphering if I should continue do so. Babysitting Santiago and seeing the fish with him. And praying for dear Ignacio and all that was ahead. 

March:

This month was where everything shifted for everyone regarding the Coronavirus that was continued to spread. It was an epidemic that soon enough became a pandemic and it changed everything and the world we know it. Schools were closing, and I recall the last day of school with the students on the campus. It was a weird feeling, not sure what was ahead. There was hope and excitement with spring coming, yet the remainder of Lent was a bigger cross that all of us weren't necessarily ready to carry. 

It was an emotional time, with a favorite priest and spiritual director being transferred and with all the weighted unknown with COVID-19, the transferal didn't help at all. It was a difficult time to adjust and to be honest it took a couple months to actually adjust to that pastoral change. This was also a time to pursue a list of goals and to dos as I wasn't working and the break and the newness was nice, although of course shelter in place had its ups and downs. 

My sister and I went to Starbucks indoors on a rainy Sunday for the last time, and I have fond memories of that, us doing separate things together, her working on her credential work, and me writing in my journal, reading and reviewing Arabic. I wrote in my notebook, "I feel like I am processing a lot. This rainy and wet and cold weekend has made me think and reflect more..."

April:

The first thing that comes to mind is my sleep debt and insomnia. However, there were good things too. Easter was a beautiful time though different with no guests, and not a lot of plans. This month brought forth a lot of time for prayer, reflection, and time at the church. It didn't feel like a whole lot was happening with the world shut down, but the beautiful sunsets, runs, time with my dear sister and Santiago were highlights. I started to learn Russian to pursue another language and keep my mind occupied. I decorated pillowcases for fun and decorated for my niece's birthday. 

May:

This month brought about a new hope, with healing and peace in terms of my sleep. There was a deep sadness with my dear brother-in-law losing his dad. There was joy in receiving communion once again through communion service throughout the Easter season. There was continual exercise, studying of Russian, reading, and prayer. I was slowly starting to work again through tutoring online, and had an online 'date'. My brother came back to visit for the summer which was very hopeful for me. We celebrated my sweet sister's graduation of her credential, a new nephew was born!

June:

This month brought a lot of joy, change and a new schedule with my sweet nephew Santiago staying with us, and anticipating more information, and news regarding Ignacio's heart. It was a busy month, but brought a lot of good especially after many weeks of slow motion and not of a lot of activity. It was a time of preparation for service, generosity, and flexibility. From early mornings to full days, and being innovative with various places still closed. 

There was joy and deep gratitude for Masses to start up again as well as shops. My sister and I visited an old time friend with Santiago, and also visited Elisabeth and Salvador at their stay in Palo Alto. I had another online 'date', and new fears and concerns I was faced with, as well as discernments. I celebrated my birthday alongside my sweet nephew and God son Ignacio, as well as accompanied them on his passing the last day of the month. It was full month, bittersweet, exhausting, joyful, fun, challenging and beautiful. 

July:

It came with a sadness, a hard to describe feeling of all that had happened and it took some time to adjust back to a former schedule and reality. We missed Santiago staying with us as well as the sounds of his footsteps, cute sounds and evolving words. It felt like another still month for me, waiting, anticipating what was ahead, which required more hope and patience. Some fun activities included fruit picking, movie night, sister day. 

It was a hard and emotional month with Ignacio's funeral, and also watching my sister get ready for her move and transition to a new job, area, and experience. It was bittersweet, there was of course excitement and pride for her accomplishments but hard to watch it all, and miss it all. We had some ideas to do together like a walk/ run together at a favorite park, praying a pilgrimage together at a local church, and watercolor. 

August:

This month brought out hope with some new ideas to carve out. As I wrote in my journal, "August is here! It's a new month! And there's no time like the present and what better way to make some goals, ideas and inspiration for this new month." It was the month my sweet sister moved out and that came about various transitions, and melancholies throughout the Fall. A new discernment with my goals, ideas and was inspired to start studying French. I started up again with the new school year (online) and though it was different, it was very needed to be back to keep growing and having a set schedule. It was the start of the fires, lightning and smoke that made this year heavy in a new way. We celebrated my sister's birthday (early) at her new place. I met my dear sister's new kitten and remembered how it was to have a cat. Overall, it was a month full of the same place but new change and shifts, and a lot of growth!

September:

September is one of my favorite months, with the anticipation of Fall and the last few months of the year. I made a Fall list to continue to stay inspired and encouraged. I visited my sweet sister for Labor day weekend and it was so fun, special and memorable! Visited Rio Vista, and started to wake up early to attend early morning Mass, with the memories of my sister and I going, and the inspiration of St. Louis and St. Zelie Martin waking up early for Mass. I began to start planning for another short story in my free time, studied French, and reading books. Had a mini sister gathering with a nice walk and Cheesecake Factory and playful with the cat. And nice, quality time over coffee with Elisabeth and fun times with Santiago. More discernments on what was ahead for me, and trying to enjoy the simple, predicable and learning curves. 

October:

It came with new reflection, prayer, discernment and frustrations. There were still interior transitions, and a sense of something more to pursue. As I wrote in my notebook, "I feel that there is something more...more of me to do, and more what you are calling me to do. To put it simply, I desire more! And I feel a sense of calling of something more but what could it be?..."

There were precious times at the pumpkin patch with my mom, Elisabeth, and Santiago as well as Apple Hill. Of appreciating what life was giving me, and enjoying hot sips of Pumpkin Spice Latte, and staying encouraged and inspired throughout moments of discouragement and doubt.  Babysitting Santiago, another trip up to my sister's place, spending Halloween with her and meeting her endearing boyfriend. And drawing closer to what was ahead in my plans, discernments and making official plans. 

November:

There was new hope, possibility with applying to the MLIS degree, and trusting further. It's another favorite month, in my favorite season with Thanksgiving and time to reflect, inspire, and anticipate. My sister and her husband bought a house, and visiting the area was beautiful, and refreshing after many prayers. Another nephew was born and celebrated Santiago's birthday, and some quality time for a sister gathering. It was the month of remembering loved ones who have gone before us and visiting a grave site with our precious family members and other souls. There was more writing and creativity with my story. A whole new transition of not having masses or at least indoors, but still experiencing the graces. Anticipation and excitement for Advent and the start of the closing of the year.  

 

December:

And here we are the, the last month of the year! This month as usual has its busyness with preparation for Christmas, and the holiday season, spending time with family, gifts, and receiving Jesus into our lives. In some ways, it was more busy than I wanted it to be, as Advent always go by rather quickly. 

It brought its share of planning for what's ahead with goals, ideas for the new year, for my new schedule and program, and for some resolutions/improvements. More reading, writing, and a nice weekend/sleepover with sisters and quality time, taking care of a cat and my sister ending up with a kitten for Christmas, a relaxed, productive, semi-busy, special break that was very much needed. And a deeper understanding of myself, my introverted, melancholy, sensitive, empath self. My dear sister and brother-in-law away for Christmas, and not fully knowing what's all ahead but anticipating it all with more trust, faith and joy after a crazy, hard, interior and growing year! 

Here's to a a hopeful 2021, with various unknowns but with greater trust and joy in hardships. 

Here's an excerpt from a prayer I found for the new year ahead. "Help us to remember that the gift of Christ, Immanuel, is our greatest treasure, not just as Christmas, but for the whole year through. Fill us with your joy and the peace of your Spirit. Direct our hearts and minds towards you. Thank you for your reminder that both in seasons of celebration and in seasons of brokenness, you're still with us. For you never leave us..."

 Happy New Year!

Notes From This Year

 "Be like a flower, survive the rain but use it to grow."

This quote was on a card that one of my dear sisters wrote to me back in July. I feel this quote is a really great summary and moto for this year of 2020, so much learning and growth that brings about fruit and maturity. This card had a magnolia flower on it, one of my favorites. And this card was full of beautiful, heartfelt and melancholy words after the passing of my sister's dear son, Ignacio, my nephew and God son. Reading it brought tears to my eyes, as well as hope and a sense of purpose. As my sister wrote, "It's a beautiful reminder that God is writing our story with each day that passes, He is making a beautiful work of art with the story of our lives." And I can see that more and more as these months and year have passed by. God is continually at work and most close and working in the dark and in the mundane and uncertain times.

"Of all the blessings sisterhood can bestow, I think the greatest is to be known, really known."

I read this quote while opening up the precious card my sweet sister gave to me right before her move in mid August. Her move to a new place, away from me and our time and memories and on to a new endeavor and adventure. It was a busy time for her seeing with packing and transitioning while my world felt very much the same and non busy, hardly any movement at all. But there was so much movement and transitions internally, in my heart. Seeing her leave was just one of them and what started a whole new chapter of change and growth for me. 

Her card was one of pure friendship and companionship, one we experienced together through thick and thin, good days, meh and blah days, really hard and challenging, melancholy blues, to joys, laughter, tears, frustrations, pain and inside jokes. I felt it was all meshed in her notes to me, and I knew I wouldn't be able to take it all in until after her move, until her big room of memories was empty and it was just me. I was surprised with how smooth the transition was for me and for her, and she agreed. But I recalled the bible verse that helped me transition and remember this new experience, "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born" Isaiah 66:9-14. 

God made it so apparent and seamless for her to enter into her new path, and God made it clear that I was going through my own growing pains and own journey. I stepped into it not feeling much different, but its the waves of life and the storms of past memories and misses and nostalgia that made it a lot more real. She wrote, "Also, this is a very new journey for both of us, and through it, you will be growing in new ways-all of which God has already seen and already knows about. I think God has some very intimate things to say to you as you embark on a new journey of growth, and a new journey of trust..."

In April, I had really awful sleep insomnia and fear. I felt off with myself, my sleep and on a verge of depression. It was Easter time, yet with the newness and strangeness of the Pandemic and strict orders as well as not working for my job at the time, it was very heavy and very hard. It lasted for a month and it was a nightly struggle of being able to fall asleep or stay asleep. There was a inner fear that ran through me like a river and would creep up when it turned evening, one of my favorite times of day yet at times I felt the anxiety approach. 

Another loving sister of mine wrote me a card, a beautiful card with Our Lady depicting the feast of Pentecost. And with it a note inside, a prayer to Our Lady of Good Health for my sleep, and also a book in the mail, 'Searching for and Maintaining Peace'. I believe it was my sister's prayers, the healing touch of Our Lady and some good humor that helped me sleep soundly and peacefully through the night, the first night in a month. It felt so powerful, and the next night and so forth were the same. So much joy and gratitude to continue on getting the rest, reassurance and peace I desperately needed. My sister wrote, "I'm praying good sleep returns to you and you grow stronger through this time of trial."

 In March, right before the shelter in place took effect, I visited my dear sister and that same day she asked me to be the God mother of her son, who was forming and growing in her womb, a pure gift and plan that God knew all along. She gave me a precious card with the words, 'Because I know you'll love me, Because I know you'll care, Because I know you'll always be there.' These words have struck me also as a sign of my dear nephew and God son interceding and watching us, caring for our needs and our striving for heaven. 

It's been 6 months since my birthday, and it feels like it's been such a long time with the ongoing Pandemic but also with my own growth, realizations, prayers, and discernments. I admit that it's been quite hard, but so much growth and goodness from the hard and painful parts. This year has really shown us so much that we could not have ever anticipated, hoped for or wanted, but God has allowed it for the time being.

Just like today being the feast of St. Stephen, the first martyr, unprecedented or unwanted events that lead to his death but ultimately allowed for him to die for his faith and love for Christ. The turn of events came out to be that much greater and better as well as with the persecutor of St. Stephen, Saul, who had a conversion and change of heart and later became St. Paul. 

I am continuing to reflect upon this topsy turvy, challenging, growing and interior year with its many blessings as well. May God continue to bless all of it. Merry Christmas!

This Special Time

 It's such a special time, anticipating to celebrate our Lord's birth and closing out Advent, and soon this year. This time of year comes around and I can't help but hold onto it as I realize how holy, special and beautiful it really is. Although this year is different with less family coming over and gatherings and its more simplicity, if you will, it also embodies the first Christmas when Mary and Joseph received Jesus' birth in a stable. There was simplicity, humility shown, yet God's holy hand was upon the holy family. 

I think its a good lesson to think about on the true meaning and virtues of Christmas. I think a main one is humility and though the flashing lights, sparkles and large commercialism displays are nice and festive, it doesn't necessarily bestow the true ambiance and spirit of Christmas. The God of the universe is being born, born in a manger and his gift is his presence and its one of awe, peace and joy. 

I can't help but think of simplicity and humility when I think of St. Mother Theresa. Reading and learning more about her has been so inspirational and drawing closer to her spirit and her deep love and faith for Christ. It makes me reflect upon myself and my own thoughts, actions towards others. She served and took care of the poor and truly believed they were other Christs awaiting her love, compassion and care. 

Another saint who comes to mind when I reflect upon simplicity, and humility to name a few is St. Zelie Martin, the mother of St. Therese of Lisieux. Today happens to be the day she was born, and her story, witness to her faith, God's call for her life is truly inspiring and encouraging to me. She felt she was called to become a nun, a bride of Christ but it later became known that she was called to the sacrament of matrimony and met St. Louis Martin while crossing a bridge and hearing an inner voice of confirmation that he would be her future spouse. 

I feel she displayed great virtue of simplicity in the way she raised her children and bestowed upon love and zeal for the faith. Her mind and purpose was focused, to become a saint and she did, through her various sufferings and trails in life whilst keeping her faith strong. 

Yesterday, while visiting a beautiful basilica all decorated for Christmas and seeing statues of Our Lady outside the church, Our Lady of Lourdes and a favorite of mine, Our Lady of Bethlehem. There are so many scenes and traditions, prayers and presents that make up this joyful, hopeful time. I want to savor it all, this intimate time with family, and with Our Lord and ultimately hope and trust in a new year ahead! 

Our Lady's Love

 Yesterday was the feast day of St. Juan Diego. And I realized that the saying that our Lady told him, is right near me and where I look each day in my room. "Am I not here, who am your Mother?" Such beautiful words, and such a beautiful reminder as we soon celebrate the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. 

I have pasted this image of Our Lady of Guadalupe with her sweet words on my wall after having a difficult time and receiving a gift bag from my dear sister Elisabeth, and on it were these words. How instantly comforting they were for me (as well as the gifts!) and I have kept it up ever since. 

I feel that Our Lady of Guadalupe is my favorite apparition of Our Lady. I have connected with it over the years and love looking at the beautiful image and knowing the backstory. It's the namesake church where my sister and her husband were married in El Salvador, so special! 

Though I've never been to Mexico City, one of my sister's had a friend who went and brought back a prayer card of Our Lady of Guadalupe that I keep in my wallet. While recently visiting a gravesite, there was a statue of Juan Diego kneeling before another of Our Lady of Guadalupe. And this beautiful image of her is one that I pray under every time I go to the local church, and seek her protection, consolation, support and guidance throughout many seasons and journeys of life. 

Reading more about St. Zelie and St. Louis Martin and their married lives as well as when they had not met yet, Zelie was discerning her path in life, her work, her career. On the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, in the evening, Zelie heard a soft voice declaring for her to do lace as a career path. This gives me great joy and confidence as I have been discerning for a while of what my path is in terms of career/work, and vocation. St. Zelie (and St Louis) are great examples and intercessors, as well as Our Lady. 

I want to continue in devotion to Our Lady (of Guadalupe) as she is the patroness of the Americas, the unborn, and various things that we need, desire and pray for. 

Happy week of Feast days! 

Walking with Transitions

 Such a lovely Saturday. A time for slower pace, and a new routine. To regroup and connect during this special, intimate Advent season. After a week getting back into routine after a relaxing and needed Thanksgiving Break, and hearing back officially for a MLIS program and getting situated and prepared for it, slowing down a little was appreciated.

It feels like the tides are turning with this busy time of year, this prayerful time of Advent and preparing for Christmas. With the closing of this semester, looking forward to what's ahead in the New Year, goals to work towards, growth and learning ahead. 

But this week I was looking back to the past to when my sweet sister used to live here with me. She wrote me a note for the beginning of the New Year, 2019 and I can recall reading it for the first time like it was last week. I read it again, and could connect,  understand deeper of her words, of what she was going through, anticipating and looking ahead. Remembering it all brought me back to that time. It was such a gift to share with each other, console, connect, vent, hope and embrace our own unique crosses as well as joys. 

This year is different with no sibling living side by side, but there is so much room and opportunity for growth and a deeper and more personal room with my faith, and independence. I can already see the growth within myself. I would say most of it hasn't been easy but its been fruitful, and a strength in maturity with added courage. 

Looking from that note from my sister and what was happening then and then focusing on the present, it really shows all the ups and downs, unknowns, fears and God's timing into a new perspective. Just the start and cusp of 2019 doesn't feel like all that long ago, yet it does and there's been an array of changes and transitions all in between! 

Celebrating getting into this Masters program with some cheesecake for desert one night and thinking about all that has come before it while taking a slice of some raspberry cheesecake. Who would have thought from just a few months prior? How interestingly this year has turned out to be, with a slow transformation that goes unnoticed like sunset to dusk but is apparent and very real once you look back. 

I'm grateful for it all.