Who I Am

 I felt inspired to write tonight, reflecting upon some moments from this past week. Last Friday, I felt inclined to look through old letters, notes, birthday cards stashed in a box under my bed. I wanted to read some notes from my sisters, different seasons in life to show me pieces of my life, and moments of happiness and gratitude as well as ones of challenges and suffering. 

It was very beautiful, and I ended up in tears and crying, just soaking in these notes and letters that struck me. One of them was written by my dear sister who was undergoing college, her classes, assignments and schedule at SFSU. She wrote small and intensely with love, care and determination to fill up every line on her notebook paper, with my name on top in flowing, thick, teal color. I was only a Freshman in Highschool and it was like my mind did a 360, going back to those days. I vividly remember my classes, schedule, teachers and feelings of navigating things. My sister was the same person I chose to be my confirmation sponsor not too long after.

Some birthday cards also were fun to reread from past years, as well as Graduation cards from Highschool and College. I was touched by the confirmation card from my dear sister, who as I said became my sponsor. Later in her card she wrote, "Stay close to Christ Colleen- He is the best friend we could ever have and if you stay close to Him- He will show you things you could never have imagined!" It touched me deeply, remembering this journey that I'm on and all the various parts of it. I couldn't help but think of Ignacio, my sweet nephew and God son who God took early from this life, yet how joyous he is in heaven, and cheering us on, looking out for us. He's a spiritual giant, and I feel he is always reminding me to trust in God and to not be afraid. 

I also reread letters from my dear sister when I was just starting out on my postgrad journey. We would write letters to each other, and it would always be a highlight of the week. I recall that season, all its own. A lot of anticipation and excitement, yet uncertainty. I can sense how much I've grown. 

This week a favorite Catholic Youtuber of mine made a video about a very low and difficult part of her journey postgrad and in her 20's. I could really resonate with what she was sharing, myself feeling and having felt similar things in various moments and seasons these past years. And I think that's why I started this blog, Samakti, to record, share and inspire myself throughout the difficult moments, and stay true to myself. And I think that's also why I wanted to look back at past letters, to reveal who I am, even all those years ago. I still feel like the same person, just new challenges, journey, and insight. 

My sister is planning and researching a story about our Grandma, whom we never met. Learning more about her, her family, history is very interesting and many things I never knew before. I happened to remember my other cheerful sister gave me Grandma's engagement ring as my sister was becoming engaged herself. I wore that ring today, thinking of Grandma and remembering her story, and what an interesting coincidence today being the feast of St. Joseph, who is also known as the patron for finding your future spouse! 

I think of Grandma's story, and my sister planning out this creative process for the writing, and in some ways a parallel to my own story writing, dealing with my own imaginary family trees, and structure of families, events and a main character learning about herself. I hope to finish this story sometime soon, as I feel I have interwoven different thoughts and elements from mine into hers. These things are composites of who I am, as I continue to learn, process, and enjoy this life, which is full of God's graces and light as I continue to walk, and He guides me.

On This International Women's Day

 Today is International Women's Day. I can recall a year ago getting reconnected with the Arabic language and feeling more interested in delving further into this Semitic language that has its waves of study and inspiration. It was also a year ago I met up with a friend and was voicing my interior thoughts about my next phase, journey, pursuit. I was almost laughing to myself while telling her, 'Can you really see me as a librarian?' It felt like a far off dream, not even a dream really since I wasn't fully desiring it. But this loaded question of what to do/go next often felt like a huge void and librarianship felt way out there in terms of practicality, and interest at the time. 

It was this time that I was feeling an expanding interest in culture and language, two big topics that are easily interwoven but broad in themselves. I was always wondering how my love for learning about these interesting topics could be used as my post grad season was elongating. How could I really use my major of International Studies was feeling more like a blur and a pipe dream. 

I feel that these thoughts, experiences, emotions have collided. Now that I am pursuing a Masters in Library Science, it feels even more comical thinking about my train of thought a year ago, and how much has shifted and changed. It's been 2 months into my program and I have thus far felt at peace, inspired, interested and mentally invested in it. Of course, there have (and will be) days that are hard with the ongoing screen and solo time learning and connecting information together, let alone with my other classmates. 

But today being back inside a library for the first time in a year, was an experience that is hard to describe. It was exciting, inspiring, enticing, inviting. But it was also strange and weird, and myself flooded with memories. Its a library that's not just any library, but one that speaks to me of my college years. It goes back to the rainy days of exploring book displays and shelves and carrying notes and college textbooks and readings that rested heavy on my shoulder. 

The lazy summer days of browsing through aisles and feeling inspired by every step into a new subject. Language learning was a big part, a new language and then another to keep my spirits going the next few months or a year later. Cookbooks and cooking magazines and ethnic cuisine was something that I felt drawn to, a new creation, skill or interesting ingredient to learn. History and non fiction was a main source of interest that connected well with my geography and history classes in college. A new region, history of a country or another time period struck a chord. 

These special, intimate memories came back so well, and many more. It showed me this space that's been so homey and inviting all these years. But how in some ways it feels different to me. I haven't stepped my two feet inside this building for almost 3 years, and the time since and in between have been a whole other journey. It makes me feel grateful for the hardship, the challenges and suffering even inside these library walls. And the beautiful, fun and enjoyable memories with mom and sisters are irreplaceable. 

I feel like I'm coming back to a new person, remembering what was going on a few years ago, what I was doing, experiencing and then here and now. I think the most beautiful thing is God writing my story, and leading me along. He has walked with me through it all, and at times a lot of it felt very heavy, emotional and melancholy. Somehow this library does a nice job at connecting to a deeper part of yourself whether its through the brick walls and warm low lighting, to the study spaces and open windows showing blooming trees and green hillsides, or the warmth of the walls and art display gallery as you walk in. It all exudes quiet and peace. 

While I was browsing and walked through this space I was reminiscing a lot. It was enjoyable looking at books, and subject matters that I would always refer to. I didn't get a lot of books or materials like I usually do, just a book about Princess Diana, and a French and Chinese language book. On this International Women's Day, I still care about language, and culture but its a different approach than before. I feel my life and hobbies are not so centered around it, but enhanced and special because of it. There's been an inner growth, a new perspective and I look forward to see where it all leads.