A Cacti Full of Contrasts

 Rain came down. Then hail. It was stuck to my running jacket like cotton balls, ice, chill, winter. Such a contrast from this weekend in Arizona. Heat, intense, summer. Glowing sun, dry desert terrain, cacti rooted in the ground, orange rock formations plastered against the saturated blue sky.

 It was a whirlwind, busy weekend. Something I've never experienced, the fast-paced plans, the night life, the social, talking and groups. A fancy, trendy time, an extroverted experience, an exciting time, an exhausting time. Introvert by nature acting like an extrovert, changing, a new excursion, reality, adventure. It brought me realization to my simplicity, to my faith, to my quietness, decisiveness, particularness, homebody self. 

My music made me feel like myself, imagining running on my favorite, familiar streets at home, melting away into my inspiration, rejuvenation that I desperately needed and craved. Writing my thoughts like prayers and like talking to myself, freed my mind like a caged bird while sitting up on my bed in the room. Talking to my sister, sharing our common thoughts and opinions were like gold. Bonding time, quality time, laughter, understanding, companionship, friendship. I am grateful. I am blessed.

Thinking about my singleness and God's plans. At times it was forefront, sometimes even comparison or a lack of hope, so much uncertainty at times. The Mass in Tempe was so beautiful, so restful and full of inspiration and spiritual. Reminded me of God's presence, reminded me of home, a cherished faith, a centered and joyful life. So many graces and blessings.

Spilling thoughts on the page. Regaining where I'm at, and what's in front of me. Cherishing this special time, holding my cat like a baby. Unpacking, thoughts wandering from the weekend. Some things feel like a blur. I feel proud to experience it all, gain perspective, learn more and see a new place full of beauty and adventure. Busy and somewhat stressed with schoolwork and assignments, catching up with student life, feeling committed and determined. 

Work tomorrow, and back to regular life. Tired of Lyft rides, group settings and loud noises. Grateful for fun times, memorable and funny times and taking it all with me to learn and appreciate from. Travel makes you feel different sometimes, opens your mind, shifts and grows something inside. Grateful for open time, freedom and space to read, process, write, pray and continue on this journey and see what's ahead!

Remembering Treasures

 

I was looking back on old emails this week. Sometimes I like to do that, to remember the past in different ways, through writing, from family memories, from fun, inspiring, funny threads between sisters. It shows the different and various seasons of our lives. It shows me where I was or experiencing, as well as my siblings, my family, as well as other events taking place. 

I especially have been enjoying looking back on certain years within these email threads. It's a sneak peek into that time, a time that was unique, so special and grace filled. They bring back a taste of memories for me, that are sweet, full of some newness, growing, learning and inspiration. I have particularly been looking and reading back on 2014. 

Spring, Summer 2014 had its own experiences, feelings and precious and quality times with my sisters. Maybe perhaps that's one of the reasons why I enjoy looking back? I haven't so much focused on my own story on that time, but most specifically my dear sister. Perhaps I think about her journey, her questioning, her discernment during that time. Isn't that what our 20's are mostly about? I find that she was discovering more about herself, actively pursuing what God was showing her day by day, and I had the privilege of watching it all- the rawness and difficult parts, uncertainty, her faithful witness and patient heart for God's plans to unfold.

 I look to her journey, her story, particularly during that unique time as a model for me, a profound and uplifting example! How blessed I am to have so many beautiful examples before me- sisters, siblings to showcase their journeys. 

This picture was from May 2014 in Santa Cruz. It was Memorial Day weekend, and it was her idea for my parents, our sister Susie and us to go to a relaxing place for the weekend! (She's always full of good, dreamy ideas:)). Though there was a long, never-ending string of traffic to get there, we made the best of it with conversation and fun music playing in the car. It was something new for us to do- a getaway trip for us on a holiday weekend. Those were the days when I would always wear leggings with shorts haha, and those sandals were my constant companion, and jewelry, even on a beach.

It was the cusp of summer, with much anticipation. I was graduating from Junior College and looking forward to what was ahead. I was getting more into and inspired with language learning (Chinese) and learning on my own. Library Science was something I was thinking about, preparing for as an option. Pinterest was a way to share ideas and inspiration among us sisters.  My dear sister and I would often find the inspiration seep through in our outings to coffee shops and study our languages with one another and chat, and just enjoy the elements of coffee brewing and light music playing in the background. We still enjoy and treasure our Starbucks outings. :)

I would be remiss not mentioning her wonderful, fun idea to host our first rosary bonfire night at our house. We put out an invitation on Facebook inviting friends and acquaintances. She got creative with the set up outside, and baking a chocolate cake, providing lemonade drinks, and her idea making our backyard inviting, and esthetically pleasing. That was the lead up to my sweet sister Susie and I taking after that initial bonfire gathering and doing the same for ministry events a few years later. 

These emails, memories give me a sense of encouragement, hope from those treasured days with sisters, laughs, growing up, fun outings and ideas. A lot of ideas, simple inspiration came through these emails. I can look back and think my dear sister was trying to see the good, find the positive and inspiring things even when it was hard and difficult, a quality I love!

We both went on dates around that time. I had a guy who liked me from my volleyball class, and she went on a date with a guy from a catholic group that Spring as well. We both left feeling not very impressed or interested. I was always impressed by her standards and the certain qualities she was looking for in a catholic man. I enjoyed helping her with some ideas to wear and matching and mixing wardrobes- always fun and appreciated with sisters. 

So many good, uplifting memories from this time that my mind seems to go back to. Now that I don't have sisters living with me, I can only smile of the treasured times that I go back to, in gratitude, and in learning. xoxo

 

Into His Hands, Into His Heart

 "He don't love you like I love you. Don't think about you like I think about you...But I will treasure you. If you give me a chance, I will make you smile and give you a love that's true." 

These lyrics are from an old, favorite song by Daniel Bedingfield. I listened to this song again today after Mass and on my way to work.  The lyrics brought me to how God sees me, sees us. He wants to be loved by us and to give Him everything. He has so many blessings and graces to give us. And this song makes me think of that in its own way, a love that God has for us. 

That's what I feel like during prayer, at Mass, adoration, to keep on giving Him everything. Things I like, and things I don't. Crosses, unknowns, fears, doubts, impatience, sins, weaknesses. Even the good, the graces, the laughter. To give Him the boredom, give Him the loneliness. 

Sometimes I think and pray, that's all I have to give you Jesus, my tiredness and the boredom, monotony I experienced today. I give it to you because you can make it what you will and turn it into good. You want everything. 

So, starting out this this morning I prayed, you will show me the way Lord, like you always do. Keep me close to you, present to you during whatever happens today, and amidst the dryness or unexciting parts of today. You are still there. 

How encouraging those words and thoughts felt, to help me keep on going. The little moments and ordinary are filled with graces. Here are some lovely and beautiful quotes from a blog I enjoy reading.

"By putting things in God's hands, those little things that we do every day, things that seem to be like a waste of time...those things in God's hands take on a sense of eternity." ~Maria Paula Blog

"In God nothing is temporary, everything remains, everything counts, everything gains value." ~Maria Paula Blog

"Knowing that God is waiting for me at the tabernacle. And He, who can do anything He wants just by wishing it, counts on me to carry out His plans." ~Maria Paula blog

"Take a chance and give your heart to me." -Daniel Bedingfield song

Library Wonder, Heart Questing

 Its February, and many things are coming to my mind. It's the exciting arrival of another nephew, and my God son in just a few short days! February is loading up with more birthdays, and it's the month of hearts. I can't help but remember dear Ignacio's heart condition being diagnosed almost 2 years ago. 

I came across thinking of 2 years ago of really wondering, contemplating, what would be ahead for me? And what should I pursue? What route should I take? February was when I was searching more of what my true calling would be, and I felt a deep yearning for that next step, but what felt like a big question mark and a blank slate. There were very real and deep desires on my heart for my vocation, just so much was happening in what felt like all at once! 

February 2020, how raw some days felt, and so much unknown and growing pains. I even wrote about it on here, it was hard. I find it so interesting, since I would ask those who knew me well, what should I do? What did they see me doing or be good at? I asked my mom these questions, and she immediately answered, a librarian. For some reason, I almost felt appalled, surprised. Really? Me? I didn't feel the least bit enthused or connected to the possibility.

 I searched it up online (nearly forgetting that this had been one of my plans for post grad right before transferring to University) and saw that there was only an online program with the closest University- SJSU's program. There weren't too many programs unless it was further out or out of state. 

I closed that door immediately and thought that's not going to happen. I was saying and thinking, 'I don't want to do that, I love working with students. Being a librarian, you're not working with students.' Looking back, I find it funny because I'm in my 2nd year of the program now, (the one I had looked up and decided I wasn't interested) And I can say with certainty, I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't ready to be in that place of commitment or to really see that it would be something that I would find interesting, meaningful; something that I'm good and passionate about. 

For me, I was too closed to see what was ahead. I needed more growing, learning, detachment in order to fully know and see clearly. God was still preparing me, and it took long stretches of time, patience throughout the pandemic to keep on questioning, praying and praying and seeing what would happen. Months would go by, and I forgot all about that program. It didn't come up again until my sisters brought it up that Fall. 

 It would take several months to fully be convinced and see it for myself and commit to this program, this passion, and delve into it all. There would be many ideas in between. All of them soon fell flat and never seemed fulfilling or like the path for me. In some ways, I would never have guessed it for myself, but in others, it really feels like it fits like a glove. Sometimes, what you're looking for happens to be right in front of you. I'm grateful for this journey!