This is a Cat

 I recall when I was studying Russian 2 years ago, I would try to speak some simple sentences out loud. It was when we had Santiago for the month of June and I would sometimes have fun telling him things in Russian, such as this is so and so or this is a window, etc. I felt like a small child myself in the language department. I would also say' this is a cat'. We didn't have a cat at the house then, but it was simple vocabulary I remembered.

During that Pandemic time that spring, I often saw a cat or two on my walks and runs and it was so cute to see them and if possible, pet them. Now having our own cat here, it's always a joy. And I can really say 'this is a cat' in Russian, Eta kot. :)

With Navidad on my birthday:) 

An Anxiety Story

 Anxiety. This gripping, uncontrollable feeling. It twists and turns my insides and squeezes my lungs, it's harder to breathe normally. My heart is beating faster, and I know I'm not breathing the same now.  I'm more focused on it like it's out of rhythm, out of sync. If I could describe the feeling, it makes me feel hyper aware, unfree and on edge. My muscles are tight and tense, and there seems to be no way to make the mountains that have been built on my shoulders to wane. 

If I could describe, it's like negative energy and negative talk has taken over in my head, leaving me more complex and uninspired. I don't feel fully like myself, and it's not a good feeling. I try to look on the bright side and see it as a gift- that perhaps God is trying to tell me something. My body is receptive to something that is annoying or that I'm sensitive to, it's like a red alert. Its fear, it's the what ifs, it's the unknown. 

But it can be a gift, to show me that I'm not in control and I very much like to be, especially in that moment. I need to keep remembering that God is there, controlling, in charge and not letting me go. 

On that Saturday, I came home and started to study some Russian. But I could tell my heart wasn't fully in it in the moment because I was still recovering and processing. I decided it would be good to go to Confession, a powerful way to clear my head, heart and soul, and then afterwards go to Half Price Books with my gift card. 

It was there in confession, afterwards and at the bookstore where I could feel my true sense coming back, my inspiration, thoughts flowing and forgot about earlier that day. How much I need to be reminded of God's healing presence and continue to not be afraid! 

Light

 

"Let your light shine before others."- Matthew 5:16

This lovely bible verse I am remembered by from my dear sister on my birthday. She gave me a notecard with this verse, and I thought it was so prevalent and beautiful. The priest that day had mentioned this similar phrase on his homily, so what great timing! And what a great reminder and scriptural verse to remember. 

Yesterday after Mass, one of the altar servers was putting out the candles on the altar. He was walking towards the back of the church, and he handed me this candle that was the rest of the candle near the tabernacle. I thought it's a great symbol to keep Christ light alive since it was right near the tabernacle, but also to keep the light burning inside. 

It reminds me of the Easter Vigil I attended this year. The big Easter candle was lit and then from there the fire was spread to other candles that would help light the other candles we were all holding in our pews. 

This candle also reminds me of the feast day today of St. Bonaventure. It's the parish the priest I would often go to for Confession and attend his Masses transferred to, and I seem to always remember this saint's feast day. His light is shining in heaven and though the wick is black, it's not dead and continues to light the heavenly skies. 

I feel that God has graced me with the parish I go to consistently for about a year now and I am so grateful. May my light continue to shine. 

T-Shirt

 

I was thinking about this shirt recently. It had been about 2 years ago that I painted and designed it. It was a creative outlet for me at the time as I was going through a rough and challenging time. It was filled with uncertainty, so what better way to fill it up with some inspiration and fun activities that easily lift my heart. 

I was struck by the scriptural verse from Isaiah 66:9 and felt that it so distinctively spoke to my heart and what I was going through. I needed to remember that verse, and embrace it, so I wrote it with the puff paints near my heart. 

I thought of some of the inspiring saints that I like and wrote them down on this burgundy t-shirt. They included St. Anthony of Padua, St. Therese of Lisieux, St. Rafael, St. Maria Goretti, St. Padre Pio, St. Augustine, St. Maria Faustina, and St. John the Baptist. (Maybe at some point, I could dedicate a t-shirt to all the many saints I love!:)) 

That summer I was continuing with learning Russian as I had gotten back into it and interested April 2020. On the side of the shirt, I wrote in Russian 'Our Sea'. It was a metaphor I came up with. Below, I drew a fish and on the top corner near my shoulder, I drew a sun. The metaphor has to do with the saints that I listed on the t-shirt had gone through their own struggles and sufferings, so I was entering into their world, or their 'sea' of hardships, but also their 'sea' of love and grace from God. I wouldn't be alone, forgotten or without help. 

I wear this t-shirt at bedtime, but it always reminds me of that particular summer, filled with its hyssop branch and dregs of the unknown. But it didn't come without the grace and provision of God, and for that I can look back from that time 2 years ago with gratitude as well as some good memories and making that time my own, creative and original outlet. 

St Zelie and St. Louis

Quote from a book regarding their marriage ceremony.

These saints came into my life at the opportune time. I was introduced to them by my dear sister who had come to learn about them and their story the summer when her sweet boy Ignacio passed away into God's arms. We both needed something to keep us uplifted and going, to keep our hearts up. I feel that these saints helped us through our own difficulties and crosses at the time. St. Louis and Zelie Martin, (the parents of the well-known St. Therese of Lisieux) feast day is today. How much my sister and I admire them!

My sister says she resembles St. Zelie in many ways. She would say it's through St. Zelie's personality, her demeanor, her perseverance and her strong sense of self and faith. I see myself more in St. Louis. He was milder mannered, had a deep interior and faith life, and was slower to contemplate. He was academic and motivated intellectually, and liked studying. 

What is so interesting is that they both desired and discerned religious life before they met. But of course, that didn't work out and wasn't part of God's plans. St. Zelie's sister who she was close to, entered the convent. It was hard for Zelie to see her leave because entering religious life as a nun was something that she wanted for her life as well. St. Louis was discerning and studying for the priesthood, but he wasn't getting the grades academically in Latin. However, he would still continue to study on his own and visit and pray in the church he loved. 

I was so encouraged and inspired from reading the books about their lives, their vocation story, family and faith life from the books my sister bought. The pure rawness and difficulties I was experiencing at that time shattered through like glass when I read. I felt like they were just the witnesses and examples I needed for my journey.

I would visit the church to make a visit after work. Those days felt like pure isolation and emptiness but also openness for what may lay ahead, though I had no idea. I remember reading from one of the books that St. Zelie would often pray to Our Lady of Guadalupe of what she was meant to do. It was through Our Lady that her prayer was answered. She felt her prayer answered when she felt called to start up lace making as her profession and heard Our Lady's voice tell her. I would always say some prayers in front of the big, framed image of Our Lady of Gudalupe in the church as well and think of St. Zelie's question and discernment, and know for myself that Our Lady would answer mind as well.  

It was that time when I would start going to daily Mass throughout the week. I could only make it to the very early one due to my schedule and what felt like a big sacrifice, slowly became a necessity, and more of a regular habit. Waking up early wasn't so bad, and I realized how much I needed that time to pray and receive those graces in all that I was going through. I also was inspired by it and attending early daily Mass when the world seemed like it was still sleeping and the sky was dark, the moon bright yellow. I thought of St. Zelie since she would wake up early to go to Mass with her family, and that made me feel close to her even if somedays felt harder or more like a sacrifice. 

It was also through St. Zelie and St. Louis that I was inspired to pick up French. I had learned some in High School but it had been many years since I had touched any language books or felt interested to study again. There was a dose of inspiration and knowing they were French themselves, lived in France, I felt immersed in their world. And also reading about the names they chose for their children- of course their 5 daughters who all grew up to be nuns, but also their other 4 children who either died in infancy or as toddlers. 

It was also around the time where I became immersed in writing my own story, a family tree. I had learned so much about the Martins, their family, relatives, that I was inspired to create my own. I used some French names and while at work when it was slow, the details of the story, the characters all seemed to come together seamlessly. I had fun looking up different kinds of French names, some I liked and others I had never really heard of. 

These ideas really helped me pull through those long weeks of loneliness. I then had goals, ideas to keep me going, even if I felt like I wasn't doing much. I felt like St. Louis when he didn't really know where his life or talents were going after he wasn't accepted into the priesthood. He was a bachelor in his mid 30's, but he kept pursuing things he loved and his faith. God revealed to him His plan and timing. This continued to uplift my heart on those many days when I felt like nothing was happening, and I didn't know what lie ahead. 

I am grateful for Saints Zelie and Louis Martin for helping me in my own way, on my journey of faith, trust, and perseverance. They have inspired me so much in different ways, and I know they will continue to intercede for me. I even have a picture of them on my desk as a reminder. Though they are not smiling (it was back in the early 1900's so probably wasn't the norm), I can tell they have a deep interior, peaceful and joyful hearts, and ready to do God's will. For example, Zelie went to Lourdes to receive a cure from her ailment of breast cancer, but to no avail. It was a tiresome trip, and many things went wrong. In the end, she didn't receive the cure, but she still accepted God's plan.

 I look forward to continuing learning more about them and their family and uniting my life and ways to theirs. (I already have a devotion to St. Therese and was fascinated with her sister's story, (Servant of God?) Leonie, I have a devotion to the Carmelites- which was the convent order 4 of the sisters joined, and I love St. Frances de Sales- which was the Visitation order that Leonie and her aunt (Zelie's sister) joined.) There really are many branches to it all, and its a wonderful family tree, a tree of inspiration, life and God's ever green branches. 

St. Zelie and St. Louis Martin, pray for us!

Reminded By a Book Sale

 That day, I felt like I had come full circle. I remembered that I wanted to participate and volunteer in the book sale back in August. At that time, I was contemplating how I could gain experience in something I was studying and felt a deep yearning to take action in some way. But nothing came through. I never heard anything back. 

Looking back, I knew that that was a hard and difficult season, what was really only the beginning. I doubted if it would even work with my schedule, how it would all work out. I am grateful it didn't, and felt like Divine Providence was protecting me, and perhaps leading me somewhere else and I distinctly felt on that day of the book sale. 'What was I thinking?' I said to myself. I'm so glad it never worked out, and perhaps it was for a certain reason since it was around that time that my interest, motivation and vison for my pathway was already changing. Maybe that's why it wasn't meant to work out, I was thinking.

It was fun to browse, and picked up and purchased some books, one of them a Russian language book. I hadn't considered relearning the language, but since I didn't really have any language materials for it, and maybe I would become interested in learning the language again, I decided to get it. 

I felt like that day was a good reminder and realization of somethings. Bringing me back to how I was feeling months prior, the journey it had been and then starting up learning Russian again after 2 years. I can only smile and recollect it all. 

Looking Back at (the Blessings of) My 20's (Part 3)

Summer 2019, Yosemite

 So yes, there was a lot of peace and joy as I was starting out my new job at the high school. I would have never thought or imagined I would be helping teenagers, since I had always helped younger students, and had recently come out of working at a preschool. But it felt like a great fit. My first day of work didn't even feel like my first day as I felt acclimated, and everything went smooth. It was nothing at all like my last job with coworkers being super bossy and telling what to do and how to do things every few minutes. I felt free here and like I could just be myself. I could even connect well with the students, and I realized I'm better with older children. I could now say I had experience working with all grades and ages. :)

That Fall was a very special, and one I will cherish, it brings back certain strong memories. Susie and I had time together, but it felt like less due to her ever busy schedule and progressing with her student teaching. I felt not too busy with getting back into work every day but having more free time later and just enjoying that I could relax and rejuvenate after work hours. I never felt nervous or stressed going to work like I used to and for that I felt very grateful. 

Right before I started my job, I remember celebrating Susie's 29th birthday. We went to Mass and drove up to Mt. Diablo. It was in January, on New Year's Day that I did that, and it brought back memories since that was the time of the preschool job craziness and uncertainty. I only hoped this time with this new job would be different. I couldn't go through another severely difficult time with a job like I had priorly experienced. 

Throughout the Fall, I began to study a new language- Hebrew! I figured it shared some similarities with Arabic so it couldn't be too difficult, and it was cool that it was spoken in Israel. I remember that I bought a language book with Elisabeth when we were out at the B & N. It was exciting because it felt like a brand-new start with my job and language learning. 

Later in Fall, I began to start writing another short story. I started writing this series if you will in spring 2017 and it kind of just continued from there. We visited Stephen in Chico and that was cool to see more of the campus and the area, and also attended my Aunt's reception. It was nice to have some family time, and Elisabeth and Salvador and Santiago had recently gotten back from New Orleans for a few days and it was cool to see photos and hear more about it. In my short story, I included some things that happened in real life or things I knew, and one of them had to do with New Orleans. 

Santiago's 1st bday party

I was enjoying my job and it brought forth a lot of peace and joy. Everyday going to work, I was so grateful to go to a job I liked and not feel so overwhelmed or depressed by it all. I loved working with students, being in different classes and learning the content, and just being an extra support. I looked back on that summer prior and saw all the unknowns and waiting as necessary and part of the journey and grateful to God for answering my prayers.

 That summer of 2019 was filled with the beautiful unknown of what was ahead. Isabel, my niece stayed over for a week and that was really special. And I was beginning to study for the English CBEST to create some goals. 

July 2019

I would often write in the notebook Elisabeth gave me for my birthday the year prior. I would often write down quotes or notes from books, but also some personal reflections. 

In late I wrote, "I can't help but remember a year ago today when Joel David (my nephew) was born- a year ago yesterday, and how emotional I felt. There was so much deepness, and heaviness going on in my head and my heart. It was difficult to express in words, as most people couldn't fully understand what was going on internally. I went back to the sports park today and all the memories came back to me. I went there last year around this time to get away, reflect, and just be in nature and in tune with myself. The thought of the picture on Instagram of Luz and her husband and young boy with donuts to celebrate a feast day was inspiring and cute, and it helped me in my blues, as well as driving to the Walnut Creek hospital to meet Joel and spend some time with Matthew. It feels like a while ago, but still remember so much. But I'm glad I'm in a different place, and can reflect upon it, and hold it close in memory and let God take care of the rest."

I have good memories of Susie and I going to Mass together on Sundays and switching off parishes. In the wintertime, Elisabeth and I went to the movies where she lived, and we saw A Beautiful Day on the Neighborhood. It was so touching and beautiful. I was enjoying reading the book about Chiara Petrillo. Throughout the Fall and Winter months, I would go to make a visit in the chapel after work. I would often think about my future and feel like something was brewing underneath, but that I had to figure it out. I would pray, 'Lord, show me the desires of my heart, show me what I desire since I do not know.' I would also sometimes see Susie in the chapel after her work day before commuting home. 

day trip!

January 2020 started out smooth and a sense of a regular certainty. But there was a sense of melancholy and sadness due to a few students being killed in a car crash on Christmas night. That was a difficult and sorrowful transition coming back into the school semester. 

New Year's Day was special, as I had slept over at Elisabeth and Salvador's place and we watched the movie, Coco. We went to Mass at St. Catherine of Siena in Martinez and saw the priest there whom we knew of Fr. Anthony. Her and I had a simple lunch at a park nearby with little Santiago. 

I was still trying to progress with Hebrew. I tried to listen to songs, and learn from my language book, and flashcards and then I thought about joining a language exchange site, one that I had used a few times before for German and Chinese. I began writing to a guy who lived in Israel and knew some English and could help me with Hebrew. I didn't feel like I knew very much and like some of the things were above my level. Our language conversations entered into the New Year, and overtime I felt like it wasn't very helpful in my language studies, and that there was something surfacing inside of me, in my heart, in that I was cautious and worried to continue conversing with this young man. It was this strange new feeling that I would become interested in him or something. I decided to write to him that something came up and couldn't continue to do the language exchange. We had only typed, never skyped though he initiated that option, but I also declined it and said maybe later on.

Late in the year and into early 2020 Ali and I were training for the Hot Chocolate race we were doing with Stephen and Susie. It was nice to be motivated and training with someone, and it was also a way to connect more, as we had been throughout the summer and fall of 2019.

Our Hot Chocolate Run was in SF, right near the conservatory of flowers. It was an early, cold morning. Susie and I were doing a 5k, and Stephen and Ali were doing the longer race. There were so many people, and overall it was a good race. I stopped twice just to catch my breath but really pushed myself and was proud of my endurance. It was special to do that all together. :)

It wasn't until that week that things started drastically changing for me. So much was happening internally and being revealed deep in my heart. God was revealing the desires on my heart and was answering my prater. But it was a very strong and intense experience, that lasted for almost a week. I felt overwhelmed with this opening up on my heart, if you will, and it was emotional and difficult because it was all new to me. I felt very raw and real desires for marriage and family unlike I had every known or experienced before. I remember coming home from work and seeing a picture of my brother Brian with his family, and it overwhelmed my heart because I realized that's what I deeply desired. 

January was a challenging and emotional month, one I never anticipated. In early February, I went to Starbucks and just needed time to reflect and regroup with myself. I wrote in my notebook, "There has been a lot going through m head this past week, and even month. I guess I'm growing in a new way with a lot to think about in regards to finances, car maintenance, and my future in terms of my vocation. A sense of independence, responsibility, and maturing. I think in some ways it can be hard/scary because it becomes real in a whole new way, closer to home, closer to prayer and closer to your heart. But I think it's important to continue to stay positive, hopeful, grateful, creative/innovative. This year has only just begun and a lot to look ahead and forward to!"

Throughout the spring of 2020 I was starting to discern what should I do in terms of career. I felt like I was growing out of my job and needing something more. In March, the pandemic hit and I stopped working as schools were closed. That was a very interesting time as I had to figure out what to do as I had so much open time. Susie was quite busy with her credential program and work, and I felt like I was just observing and waiting to go back to work. Of course I didn't as it lasted the rest of the school year. And by May, I was thinking again of what to do, and what could be a good fit for me.

Little Free Library

 Back in February, I was thinking and discerning the same question. I asked my mom what she thought as she had helped lead me to my current job. She automatically said that she could see me as a librarian. I was almost flabbergasted as I never considered that for myself nor didn't really want to. I looked up some programs and saw that the closest one- SJSU was online (the one that I'm now in). I closed that idea and moved on to others. I totally forgot about the librarian option until much later in the year.

Summer came and Santiago would stay with us as Elisabeth and Salvador were staying in Palo Alto to be close by to the hospital for Ignacio's heart condition. He could be due any time, but his due date was early July. That June was full, hot and busy. It was a refreshing change for me to be busy again and be of service to our little nephew. Mom and I had to figure out what to do every day as most things were closed. Parks became the routine and walks and drives. Susie was super busy with all that she was doing. Stephen was around but sometimes working, and Dad was still busy working. To keep myself inspired, I continued with learning Russian, as I had relearned it that spring. The days stretched on end, and it always felt like a sense of accomplishment when we reached the evening time. We visited Elisabeth and Salvador 2 or 3 times and so they could see Santiago. 

 It was around that time that I was set up with online dates. My sister Meghan connected me with a young woman who liked to do match making. She set me up with a guy for a zoom date. It didn't turn out that great as my internet connection was poor and felt like he was impatient and not very polite or friendly. The next guy was alright, but after the second zoom date, I felt like it wasn't going anywhere and there was no click.

We celebrated my 28th birthday and had to be more innovative. I went to Mass with Susie in the morning and later Stephen, Susie and I biked to Starbucks and stayed there for a bit. In the evening, we celebrated with Santiago and mom maid German Chocolate cake upon request. It was with great surprise and joy that our sweet nephew, Ignacio Rafael was born on my birthday. It was exciting but also heart wrenching not knowing all that would happen with his heart diagnosis and surgery. It was hard not be with Elisabeth in person, but her gifts were sweet. I could already sense it would be hard, there was something there lingering in my heart, almost like an intuition that it would be a difficult year. 

On June 30th, we got the notice that Ignacio wasn't doing well and didn't have much longer to live. We rushed over to Standford hospital to officially meet him and say goodbye. I will always remember that feeling of kissing his forehead, seeing his chest open and his heart, his precious and beautiful face-looking similar to Santiago, and witnessing the strength, profound love of Elisabeth and Salvador, caressing and holding him, saying, 'I will love you forever'. There was so much to process, and by the end of that day we were bringing Santiago back home with them so they could settle into their lives again, but without their precious boy who was now in God's arms. I write about this and my 28th year in full, here. 

road trip with Stephen to Texas, early summer

Finally, my 29th birthday! 29 in some ways felt better than 28 but it also wasn't any easier. It actually was becoming a whole new season, a raw, suffering, growing pain season that didn't mirror the prior one at all. That was difficult, because it felt like I wasn't even prepared for it. That summer of 2021 became very hard, and full of interior pain I guess you could say. 

There was a lot of family time and hosting, which later made feel completely out of sorts and feeling left behind from everyone's lives. Susie and Ricardo were getting engaged, which I was happy for them, and Steven and Ali also got engaged just 2 weeks later, which came as a surprise. I very much related to my grandma on my dad's side, who saw her two older siblings get married and have children before her while she was single and figuring things out. She got married when she was about 30 and my grandpa was in his mid 30's. I saw her story as a sign of hope. I wrote about part of my 29th year and my grandparents.

Thanksgiving!

Coming into the New Year of 2022, I felt really good and peaceful and excited. I was ready for the new year after a rather challenging 2021. After my conversation with Ali right before the end of the year, I mentioned that I wanted to create some changes in the new year and not let it feel the same after feeling rather stagnant that semester. Swimming came to mind, so mom and I started swimming every other week and that helped me stay rejuvenated and enjoying a new routine in exercise. 

Half Moon Bay

It started to get really busy come February. Sweet Isaac Miguel was born, nephew and godson. He was born on the feast day of St. Josephine Bakhita and I now have more of a devotion to her. I would see her picture in the chapel, every time I would pray right before work, her smiling at me and me knowing she would be with me another day of sameness and getting through it some days. I would pray to St. Michael for an easy C-section and recovery for Elisabeth and it was amazing to hear how it all went, and how well she felt with a healthy and beautiful baby. 

meeting Isaac for the first time

February was also busy because that was Ali's Bachelorette party weekend. It was beautiful to see more of Arizona, have more time with Susie, but it was an eventful and busy trip. At times I would feel overwhelmed with wedding talk and the extroverted activities and just want to be alone in prayer or write in my journal. There were good and special parts to, but it took a few days to get back on track with my studies, getting enough rest and going back to work and getting acclimated again. 

I was also nervous and praying hard because I thought I couldn't keep my job because I wasn't vaccinated. I would have a meeting with HR about it and was grateful when it was postponed so then I felt more prepared. I prayed to St. Josemaria each day and Fr. Joseph for my job situation. I left it all in God's hands since that's all I could do. I had my meeting, and then soon after the next workday, I heard the ultimatum that I wouldn't be working and would be on unpaid leave. I was devastated but tried to surrender it all. Then a few days later, it was switched and for some reason I was able to keep my job, and I was still willing to wear a mask and get tested every week like I had been doing. St. Josemaria really answered my prayers! 

Susie's Bridal Shower

I was beginning to feel so burnt out and ready for the school year to be over. Stephen and Ali's wedding was in late April. I was happy and excited for them. Come the wedding day, I didn't have all the other feelings like I once had. At the wedding mass, I felt a sense of peace and knew the difficulties I had experienced in the past months were not from God. I was so proud of myself to come that far leading up to the busyness and the big day. 

I was still really busy with my classes and felt like I was booked with schoolwork every weekend and going to the library. It took some time to process and reflect upon the very beautiful and elegant wedding of Stephen and Ali's. 

In May, I was finishing up my semester, beginning to write my toast for Susie's wedding, and finish up the school year at my job! We had a mini-Bachelorette for Susie, and I was thinking of my summer class starting, summer season starting and possibly changing pathways for my program and what I wanted to do. 

I felt like there were strong temptations at times of discouragement from the evil one about my 29th year and my 20s, and that I hadn't accomplishment anything, and just comparing myself. It was an awful feeling, and eventually it went away. I was praying every day to St. Josemaria (as his feast day is my birthday) that I would have a peaceful and joyful 30th. And I did, I felt nothing but serene peace and joy. I felt somewhat awake at night and was awake at the time I was born, and it was beautiful! I got down on my knees and prayed a prayer of thanksgiving. 

Turning 30 didn't feel like this big, overwhelming and scary thing, I felt so much gratitude and peace overflowing. I'm thankful for all my family who made my birthday special with cards and gifts, texts, phone call, and meeting up. It was definitely one of my best and favorite birthdays! I was able to get my medal of Our Lady of Grace that Susie gave me blessed after confession, and also a blessing after Mass from the priest. I felt filled with graces and blessings from Ignacio and St. Josemaria. Here's to a blessed, joyful and peace filled 30th year!!!

Elisabeth's gift, and loving it

Susie getting married!

A beautiful, new chapter ahead!

A Look at My 20's (Part 2)

My first Arabic video (Feb 2017)

To continue, my 25th birthday was a lot of fun, refreshing and vibrant. One of the reasons it was exciting was because I could finally celebrate at home, where I wanted to celebrate. The past 3 years had been different and special in their own way at various locations that were outside of my planning. 25 was also exciting because I felt like I was getting out of the slump of 24, and what was a very deep, challenging year. And I had just graduated college! 

Elisabeth surprised me by coming over and spending the day with us. She was originally going to work, so that's why I was so pleasantly surprised. We had just been in Orange County for Matthew and Anna's Wedding. That was nice family time. 

What I remember for 25 was that my Mom, Elisabeth, Susie and I went to Mass in the afternoon, and then out to lunch. We tried out for the first time, Urban Plates and liked it a lot! Then we checked out Sur La Table and browsed around and then went on a walk on the iron horse trail. Elisabeth and I had plans to go to Starbucks that evening and I took some notes on learning Arabic. Then, we went back  home to have dinner and celebrate. It was a very special birthday and one that I was grateful to get off work for. 

25 I would say was a highlight because it felt like a brand new chapter post grad and just getting out of the depression and slumps I had experienced. It felt like, '25 and feelin' alive!' I worked all summer at the summer camp then transitioned to an afterschool program for the fall at the same place. I was getting more into prayer and going to adoration. 

With my niece, Simone- Brian and Kellie visiting that summer

The year prior with its hardships lead me to attend adoration. I met a guy from the ministry Susie started from going to adoration after work in 2017, and then he asked me out for coffee. We met up 2 more times by cooking at his apartment (I felt safe, but I wouldn't do that again). I cooked and showed him Kafta- Middle Eastern meatballs, and the week after he made a Chicken Stew which is common in some African countries. I was praying a lot and discerning and came to the conclusion that it wasn't anything to consider. 

While I was at his apartment and we were talking and cooking, I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me in my heart, clearly saying 'Friendship.' Right at that point I knew my answer. So, I told him through text that I saw him just as a friend and would like to meet in group settings. He said he agreed, but something made me feel not so sure as later on he would still try to talk to me away from others and slightly hinting at hanging out or future plans. Being the indirect person that I am, I wasn't super clear in my words but tried to be consistent from what I revealed to him months prior about being friends. It was like the same situation all over again, me thinking or pretending in my head that we're friends, but then going away feeling confused and anxious after interacting with him. That lasted throughout the Fall, and that became annoying, confusing and not very enjoyable. 

But other things were blossoming and exciting. I was thinking about the possibilities ahead of me and even pursuing teaching and the credential. I was becoming more into Arabic and started making videos of teaching Arabic to help myself and stay inspired. I was still tutoring and that lead to more hours. I wasn't enjoying the afterschool program as much as I did in the summer, so I quit and focused on tutoring my 6 or 7 students and loving it while continuing with volunteering at the senior center and studying for the CBEST and attending Ministry Events. It was nice to have variety in my schedule again too.

Susie's 27th birthday- Karaoke!

That fall, I also joined choir at my parish. It was an interesting experience; I was by far the youngest of the bunch and after 3 weeks I felt like I had my fill and wanted to sit with my family again at Masses. Susie, Steven and I attended a ministry young adult fall dance all the way in Tiburon. It was fun getting ready, but didn't have a great time with lame guys, and navigating new people. I cried a lot later the next day and felt so hurt, but the nice and gentle email from my brother-in-law Salvador made me feel better, as well as hearing consoling words from Elisabeth. 

Towards the end of the year, Elisabeth, Salvador, Susie and I made a beautiful trip to the Redwoods and Felton. That was a special time closing out the year and enjoying it together.

That December, I decided that I would start the ECD classes for Childhood Development in January. I felt passionate about tutoring but knew freelance wouldn't be stable, so working at a Preschool or Montessori school like Elisabeth did seemed like a promising option to land a full time job. I started my classes beginning of 2018. It was a good schedule I had since I was still tutoring on the side and going to class 4 days a week. I also liked what I was learning and it felt like important and valuable information about young children. I would still visit Elisabeth and Salvador in Fremont, and I had recently joined Catholic Match after a short stint a year prior. Susie and I were both on and willing to meet quality guys. She had far more dates than me, since I had zero. It was difficult to navigate online and everyone felt so much older than me, already established and mature, and me just finishing undergrad and trying to gain momentum for my future job and career. It felt like I barely lasted 6 months, but that was the challenge I had with Elisabeth to keep, so I stuck with it. 

In the spring, I started to go to confession on a more regular basis. Susie would attend the parish we started going to together for confession, so I also did. And I was impressed because the priest I went to frequently became such a bedrock and encouragement during those challenging times and growing pains. We had the opportunity to go to Canada- Vancouver and Victoria, as Salvador had a business trip and we were able to come along with Elisabeth and bebe in womb, Mom, Dad, Susie and I joined. It was so beautiful there and interesting to see! That was a special time in May. 

Also, that spring, I had a date with another guy from the ministry. A few of us watched in theaters the Dating Project, and the guy whom I met there recently after that event got my number from Susie and called me and asked me on a date to ice cream. I felt like I already had an inkling of our compatibility or lack of but I was open. It wasn't very enjoyable just because I felt we were so different, and didn't appreciate some things he said or really into his job. The short date of an hour felt a lot longer and afterwards I felt tired and not fully myself. I knew it wasn't a match for me.  I was continuing with learning Arabic and making videos, and liked my schedule for tutoring, my students and creating lesson plans. It felt pretty smooth overall. 

It wasn't until I turned 26, that things hit me. 

It was my golden birthday and though there was this excitement, things felt different, and maybe even a little hard. It was like this new responsibility since I needed insurance and eventually landing a full- time job. I celebrated by first going to Mass in the morning and then coming home and opened some small gifts from Mom. :) Then plans to meet up with Elisabeth and take Bart to Berkely. I wanted to go back to that cafe where I would go for circle and that was really nice and special. Elisabeth was taking a piano class that summer and mom was helping her with some notes. I was taking a summer class for ECD, and tutoring a little on the side. We went to the fair that summer. I hadn't been in years!

That summer was pretty open, and sometimes it felt hard. Susie was quite busy as she was working at Camp Galileo and studying for her tests and attending her friends' wedding. I was trying to stay inspired, and somewhat missing the summer prior where I was active and enjoying my schedule. I also felt like I was growing out of volunteering and needed something new to volunteer for. In early July, Elisabeth and I volunteered at a food donation place, serving meals to the needy and homeless. Afterwards, we went out for dessert at Nations, just like old times. :) She was pregnant and slowly to starting to show and like me, trying to keep busy and be productive with a more open schedule and waiting for what was ahead.

Summer has special memories looking back now, such as movie nights with Susie. Our first oldie movie was watching Filder on the Roof. I met Ali, Steven's girlfriend then (now wife) and we spent more time getting to know her at the house. I was taking a summer class for ECD and my teacher was really good.

I have memories of 26 being difficult because of new growth and growing pains. That fall, I was finishing up my classes at my junior college, and it felt so strange to reflect upon those memories from a few years ago in Student Government and the people I met. I felt alone a lot of the time and I was running out of ideas to make it better. It felt like that summer was similar. It was a raw time, and I was also preparing for what was ahead in a job opportunity, and not fully knowing what to expect. I spoke to some classmates who already had a job in the field and I heard good things or they said they were liking it. Our nephew Santiago was born that November and another, and a niece in December! It was so special to visit and meet the cute babies.

holding Santiago

Christmas time came around and Susie and I went to a ministry event. There were a number of people, one of the biggest events. I felt like I couldn't really connect with others though, just one in the crowd and trying to enjoy Christmas caroling. I had an interview on Christmas Eve (oddly), and it was a quick interview since I got the job on the spot. I later learned it was an awful fit before even starting to work there and there were a number of things I didn't know about. It was by God's grace and protection I never worked a day there since my TB failed, and found out I have Latent TB and had to get an X-ray to get cleared. It felt like a mess of a time leading into 2019.

Susie was starting her credential program, and in some ways I wish I was her because being a student was easier than being in the rollercoaster road I felt like I was on. It felt like I was in a black tunnel of the unknown and didn't know how long it would stretched out for. I tried to hold on tight to my faith and the Eucharist in adoration and Mass, desperately needing guidance and direction. I knew I would miss going to Mass on a regular basis with work coming along, so I took advantage of it and grasp onto the peace and comfort it provided. 

In February, I landed a job after a couple interviews at different preschool jobs that didn't fit the bill. I was so thankful to God that it was fulltime, close by and where Elisabeth used to work 4 years earlier. Most of the teachers were the same and remembered and asked about her. I was navigating the working world working 40 hours a week and staying on top of it all. I embraced going to Mass each day (grateful that I was still able to go with my schedule) and making Arabic videos in the evening and sending voice messages to Elisabeth. I desperately needed the inspiration after very long days that were monotonous, hard and painful (with some rude and disrespectful= unhappy coworkers). 

I would often cry in the evenings, lamenting about all the annoyances and hurts that day. It felt like it wasn't getting any better. I had 2 or 3 coworkers who I could trust, and who could understand my feelings, which was a huge blessing. In the spring, I thought of the idea of designing t-shirts with puff paints as an outlet. That was so much fun, I continued on doing it. It felt like every weekend I was thinking of work and dreading the upcoming week. Susie and I enjoyed going to Mass together on Sundays and other outings. We both had our own unique seasons and growth we were discovering and going on a hike on a Sunday was refreshing just like we did the summer before. 

I decided I needed to leave the job since it was getting out of hand mentally, and emotionally. I remember I felt so proud of myself for facing my fears and being honest and true to myself. My last day on the job was an amazing feeling knowing there was no longer a future there. And most of my coworkers were so friendly and giving me goodbye hugs. I felt free at last, like a big weight was loaded off my shoulders. I was so ready and excited for some time away to regroup, recover, and finally process it all. 

Then came my 27th birthday that summer. 

It was a great moment because it was a whole new, exciting season ahead. I wasn't sure what the future would hold since I had just left my job, but I knew God would continue to heal me, strengthen me and guide me. When I went for walks and runs that summer, I would envision Jesus in front of me and holding my hand, walking me towards where he wanted me to go. It was consoling and comforting because for a while I really was discerning and didn't know what I was going to do. But I was at peace and trying to be open. In my heart of hearts, I felt like God was telling me not to pursue the preschool route anymore, and like there was a halt. So, I listened to that. It wasn't until I asked my mom what she could see me doing, and she immediately thought of helping students with special needs at a school. I never thought of that but seemed like it was right up my alley because I already had a lot of experience helping and tutoring students, and even students who were non native English speakers. 

Throughout the summer, I had a few interviews, and it became exhausting when nothing was coming through. But I began to look into school districts for special education. I had 2 interviews with schools, and the second one came through. I remember I felt so much joy, and simplicity afterwards. I really felt like God was calling me to this school and this was where I would belong. And it was the feast of the Coronation of Mary.