June

 I will always remember today as Ignacio's death anniversary, 3 years ago. I can still remember well meeting him in the morning with our hearts overwhelmed with sadness and grief stricken in our eyes, tears flowing. I was at Mass and got notice from Susie that we needed to go to the hospital in order to meet our dear sweet nephew before he passed away, as his heart was having complications and the procedure wasn't working the way as it planned.

Upon seeing him, my mom, sister and my minds and hearts were filled with worry and were weary for the state and condition of seeing him. He was so little and precious, and I had never seen an infant's heart, so delicate, so precious, and fragile. 

There was so much love in that room with us there, crying, crying like never before and caressing each other as my dear sister was holding her beloved son and kissing his forehead, and saying' I will love you forever'. I have never forgotten that moment, or myself kissing his forehead. We all knew he would go straight to heaven, his innocent and pure soul, just 4 days old.

I know I will not forget June 30, 2020. It was a very hard time, a unique and painful time that left its arrow in our hearts. It was hard to know sometimes what to say or how to continue on with regular life. It was also an adjustment without Santiago when we had him for the month of June. He now recognizes the photo I have in my room of Ignacio and in his house, his dear little brother. 

It's often when I think of Ignacio Rafael on any given day. It could be a reminder, a heart somewhere I see or flowers and especially roses. We share the same birthday, and being his aunt and Godmother holds its significance and specialness. 

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This month of June has been its own adjustment as most Junes can be with the cusp of a new season and schedule. The last day of school was the first of this month, and there has been much needed healing throughout these weeks, as well as questioning, pondering, and processing. 

I haven't always realized how much my mind was spinning and busyness took over me for weeks and months on end. That takes its own time to catch up to! June brings with it its own sacredness and feeling of summer and new possibilities, as well as healing, and rediscovery.

I know Ignacio is interceding on this special day where he entered into heaven, our grandpa's birthday. He is not alone and is watching over us on this journey of life and helping us get to heaven!

31

 I woke up, and immediately felt that I was 31. That feeling of knowing you turned a new age, and it somehow already feels different. Turning 30 was a milestone and an exciting and very rewarding and peace filled experience. Turning 31 had a simple, calm and peaceful feeling, but nothing too extravagant. But I like it just the same. 

It had its own feeling of departing from 30 and 'saying goodbye' had a certain melancholy feel. 30 was a great year, and one of the better ones for me. It wasn't like everything this past year went incredibly well or successful, rather it was how I felt about myself, and it was very different from the 2 or 3 years prior.

 I was so incredibly grateful when I turned 30 that it was a beautiful, peaceful and exciting experience. But I think it's not 'saying goodbye' or even comparing, since I'm entering more into my 30's, so this is really just the beginning! 

What better way to celebrate than to go to Baskin Robbins with their 31 flavors! Pralines and Cream was my choice. 

It brought back memories of a student who would say 'ice cream' in Chinese- (bingqilin) just for fun, and he worked at the same ice cream company. And to think that this school year is finished and done is pretty amazing still! And it's nice that my birthday is outside the school year, in summer:) 

It wasn't the easiest school year, but it felt rewarding all its own and I'm proud of myself for sticking it out and enduring all the hard parts!

One of the things I did was write a list of (31) things I love about myself, and that was a cool and enriching exercise. 

Marcus' Turkey Chili Recipe

 This is a go to cookbook for me. This is one of my favorite cookbooks and one of my favorite chefs. He's eclectic, creative, and inspiring. He has many great recipes and ideas, and I don't get tired of this cookbook. 

In all honesty, I haven't cooked from his for a while. I was needing some sort of cooking inspiration. I want to cook my way through this cookbook! I've definitely used a number of his recipes. The one I made the other night is a go to recipe and have loved it every time, as its delicious! 

Painting from Bracelet

 I haven't painted in a while, but I was inspired to recently. With more open time, I'm thinking of ways to keep up that creativity and get back into things I enjoy. 

I wanted to paint the words from the journey bracelet I received from my dear sister. I had wanted to do this for a while- but life got too busy. 

I love this bracelet that she gave me back in October. It was so special, meaningful and touching. And I think it's beautiful! 

I wasn't able to fit the entire wording onto the page, but it was still nice and good to get back into painting, and it makes me want to continue! 

English Mornings

 I walk past the rose bushes, with my feet walking on the damp grass from the morning dew. I walk towards the door of my classroom and enter my key into the slot. K110 is the room number and once the door opens, it's all dark and the room has a distinct smell. The motion makes the light turn on and its nice it's all quiet before the workday begins, as I'm the first one in. I would put my stuff down in my usual cubby right near my desk. The whiteboard I would write on right behind my desk had all different kinds of reminders and I enjoyed updating things. I would change the date each day and also The Russian Word of the Day just for my own inspiration and mental challenge. 

I always looked forward to the first class I went to which was English. The teacher was engaging, lighthearted and fun. She always has a positive attitude, and her energy was inviting. I liked the content and that it was for older students- Juniors. I left her classroom feeling inspired, engaged and had some new ideas and wanted to continue reading in my spare time. That's a sign of a good teacher!

I knew this class that helped me pull through the school year. It was a nice way to start Mondays and the other days for block schedule. I felt like I was learning too and also felt free. In my position as an IA, I easily feel misunderstood. Even encountering some teachers who aren't very friendly or welcoming towards you or have a certain 'teacher vibe' that is possessive. 

But in this English class, I could just be in my own thoughts, and feel comfortable. Also, when there wasn't much for me to do or be engaged with, I looked up the helpful and inspiring websites on my Chromebook- Opus Dei website, Blessed is She, Library web page, blogs, and even play some word games like wordle and worldle. 

Often times while in this classroom, I would look out. The chair I was sitting in was in the back and right near the door which looked out to the street. I could also see the hills and some trees. Just a close distance away was the church where I would make a visit after work. Some days it was gloomy, cloudy and overcast, others were sunny, or breezy. 

In the Fall, with the trees nearby to look out to, they were becoming crisp, golden, and orange and fall on the grass below. We were also reading interesting stories such as writings from the Puritans, Poetry, Transcendentalist authors and Romantic authors as well as Rationalists, and The Great Gatsby. I was enjoying it all!

I am grateful for these memories that helped me stay inspired, encouraged and uplifted, especially on the hard days, chaotic days and overall, a long, and at times what felt like extended school year. I knew I grew a lot, learned a lot and was challenged in a different way. 

This season now looks and feels different. The door is shut behind me and I'm entering into a new space, new experiences, revelations. It's interesting, unknown, exciting yet also hard and surreal in its own unique way. I know I will continue forward with these memories and experiences that have shaped me to invite new life experiences that life has been preparing me for. 

Rethinking Stories

 Writing- something I do all the time and try to fit in on most regular days. However, I haven't done creative writing in a long time! It's another kind of writing that comes from another branch of the tree. It sparks from ideas and is a blend between imaginary and real life. 

I recently came across this writing I did last summer. It was in mid-August, right before things got busy and started up again with my job and classes. I hadn't read it since, and it showed me so much!

I realized that I have grown and been stretched a lot this past school year. I felt that I have experienced a lot and am not the exact same from before it all started. Of course, we are always growing and are a work in progress, but I could sense it in my writing too. I didn't feel as interested or inclined to keep going with the story. Maybe I wanted to write and portray my writing in a different way? Maybe I felt I could do better? I had more to give.

After what I went through and experienced this past school year, I want to think about what kind of creative writing and story to come up with. This may take more time and process. But I also want to give a piece of my heart, meaning that draws from somewhere deep. 

I think we know when we give our best selves and our best writing. I think I've felt this for a long time- to continue to try to give my best writing and keep on improving and growing!

Summer Looks Like

 

A messy desk, new ideas, more creative projects to keep my hands moving and my mind busy. A more relaxed and open schedule. Rejuvenation, processing, hope, gratitude, recharge!

More time for reading, prayer, writing, thinking, slowing down and slowness. Opportunities, creativity, inspiration. A new adventure, a brand-new journey. Excitement, anticipation, unknown, trust. 

Waking up early or late. More time for walks and runs. Book browsing and checking out more for more inspiration and ideas. Language goals that seem to come and go.

Loving myself and who I am. Proud of myself, and confident. 

Mariposa

 Butterfly. The creature that symbolizes freedom, growth, expansion. When I saw this shirt, I knew I liked it as it had to do with the beautiful creature, and something I was thinking about. Something new, a new season, a new growth all its own. 

It reminded me of the beginning of the school year. In August, it's the freshness and clean slate of a new school year that feels so different, unique in its own right. Reading a book about a refugee story and a swimmer called 'Butterfly', doing the butterfly in swimming and for fun, and thinking of all the names for butterfly in different languages. 

I sense that this new season, this summer will bring about this butterfly in me. There has already been so much growth, especially internal as this school year has brought and I embraced it, but what I feel and foresee what's ahead is different, new, maturity, wonder, and reflection. 

I think it's beautiful, as butterflies are, but what made that butterfly have its beauty was a season before that made it wait, grow and prepare for the next. Seasons that are hard, are well, challenging and painful, and raw. But I seem to remember them well because they hold a sacredness, a beauty, a gem, a growth that only that particular time knows and my heart, mind and soul knows so well too. 

Walking Towards

 Walking past those white and pink roses for the last time was surreal. There was so much I was thinking and had in my mind and heart. 4 years, and now it all seemed to fade away, the door closed, this chapter closing and a new one beginning. I wasn't really sure what to make of it. I just knew there was a lot to process. How was I supposed to know and prepare for this feeling, for this experience? I obviously hadn't experienced it for 4 years, so it was new to me. 

All I really knew was how proud I was for enduring so much, for sticking it out and relying on the grace of God to pull me through! It was hard to believe it was all over and done, yet the ending and last few months and weeks felt never ending! I realized the growth, the strength in the hardest and most challenging parts this school year and know it will help me in what's ahead! Happy Summer!