To Brazil

 I was thinking upon the answered prayers of studying abroad back in college. It was not the 'typical' studying abroad experience where it lasted for a semester or a school year, but it was a requirement for my major and so I was looking for what could suffice. It was pretty scary for me to plan a foreign study abroad trip without a lot of support from my university. At first, I was thinking I would go to Taiwan since that could be applicable to my studies with Chinese, and there was practicing Catholicism in the capital of Taipei.

 But yet again, I felt such lack of support and my passion and drive for the Chinese language felt so isolating from other classmates in my language class (the number of students increasingly became smaller as the semesters progressed), and I felt like I was the only one (who was not Chinese) who was interested in furthering my language studies as well as minoring in it. Ultimately, there were a lot of unknowns about the program, and it didn't fully carry over (my college was on quarter system and there's was semester). 

I became to feel desperate and discouraged. They made it hard to do an experience that wasn't internationally based as well as less desirable. I distinctly remember meeting with my major advisor (who was temporarily filling in for the main one). And he was really pushing for an international study abroad experience when I asked him questions. It was clear it was a lot of paperwork to do the other route- find an internship or other like experience that was 'loosely international', which also meant a lot of meetings with your advisor, which I could tell he did not want to do. And admittedly, I didn't really want to do either.

While meeting with him, I saw in his office a big map of the world with so many tacks placed about various countries and regions. I could tell he loved to travel and had been to so many places. I also knew by his accent and cultural expression he was British and also quite blunt and frank. I came away from that meeting feeling less encouraged, and not all my questions fully answered, nor my deeper feelings of uncertainty cultivated by careful and helpful support. 

I started to enter more into prayer about it, really questioning God and asking Him to fill in the gaps, and this big requirement that didn't feel so simple or enjoyable to figure out. I was so hesitant to continue with my plan for Asia, and primarily China because of Communism and also not being able to practice my faith. I remember telling my Mandarin teacher this, or Lu Laoshi as we called her. China in some ways seemed only a little more desirable than Taiwan due to the language. Taiwan used a traditional character writing system that I wasn't learning in my classes- so more room for barrier there. 

I wrote down all my fears, thoughts, questions in my prayer journal. I intently prayed about it during daily Masses and adoration. It mostly felt all consuming I remember, and it was a stressful time. 

It was at some point where I got a notification through my school email about an opportunity to go to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil in the summer for 2 weeks. It correlated and applied to Sociology students, but I also saw a big correlation to my major and what I had been thinking and praying about for a while! I immediately jumped at the chance and attended an info session at my school. It was also a bit competitive- they could only take around 19 or 20 students max, and that classroom was full! Everyone wanted to go.  I was hoping I had a chance to go. Brazil would be cool (I had only slightly thought of attending WYD in Brazil in 2010, I think), it's a Catholic country, but mostly because I just needed to check of this graduation requirement. 

I also had to write a letter to the Prof coordinating the trip about why I would be a good person to pick. I thought of every reason I could think of that would stand out- the fact that I know how to be in a group setting (coming from a big family), am responsible and easy-going person, etc. 

After that, I waited. I wasn't sure what would happen but knew that God would pull through. 

I started to become unsure, and thinking what if I didn't get picked? Then what? So, I looked at other summer programs- that weren't super long but could still count. I looked at a summer program in China and read about other's experiences with a particular program, and teaching and volunteering (it seemed more service oriented). I was thinking, maybe I could do that. It's just for a short summer session after all.

So, I started to fill out the application, but as I was going to do just that was when I heard back from the Rio program affiliated with my university. I saw that I was accepted! I couldn't believe it!! I was so relieved, and grateful my prayers were answered, and I had something that could fill this requirement- and it would also be my first time abroad, so I would need to get a passport. I also recognized the dates, and I would be there for my 24th birthday.

Strong Woman

 

Strong Woman. When I saw this shirt while shopping about a year ago, I thought it was cute, but then I realized the size was too large. But I still took a picture. It reminded me of a saying, 'strong woman', sort of generic but meaningful enough. Or emulating who I want to be, a 'strong woman'. 

But looking back, I can think of countless strong women who fit into this definition.

I first think of my Mom, who is so fearlessly strong in who she is, and what she is about. All that she had to go through and endure last Fall with your surgeries for skin cancer was brutal, challenging, crushing for her. I could see the pain in her eyes for all that she was enduring. But she was still holding and remaining strong. She didn't like to dwell or talk about it, and clung to the cross and her faith to pull her through on the hardest and darkest of days.

I think of my dear sister, with the constant demands of motherhood, of own suffering moments, mixed in with the lightness and joys. Her demeanor to fight for and see the good, the blessings, graces even when it's hard. Her love for baking, writing, possibilities and decorating are inspiring and are what keeps her mind light and full, as well and giving to her children. Her listening ear gives solace to the downtrodden. 

I also think of my other sisters, in their virtue, motherhood, gifts and mission.

The confirmation leader the minute I met her, I knew she was a strong leader and woman. She was passionate about her faith, bold and determined. Her sufferings or hardships of the past she would bring up and mention from time to time as examples for the topics but somehow I felt she was able to rise above it. Maybe her choleric tendencies and boldness were what endured, as well as her mission for teaching and sharing her faith. 

When I think of strong women, I immediately thought of the camp video my sister showed me from almost 2 decades ago (!) with all the counselors singing and having a good time into the early morning of the last cusp of the week. It brought back so much nostalgia. I looked up to all of them as a camper, and some of them included my sisters too. They all seemed (and were) so grown up, cool, beautiful, fun, smart, etc. and so forth. Strong, faithful woman they were, and even looking back, I know it to be true since they were such good role models, even if I didn't have every one of them as a counselor, I noticed, I watched, and was impacted by their example and character. 

My sister recently told me I am strong. Sometimes I do not always think so- maybe I'm too hard on myself, idealistic or just put it aside and focus on the hard. But I know God gives me, gives us specific graces for the moment and what we can handle. Our struggle makes us strong with God's graces. 

Strong women I also admire- Our Lady and the saints. 

Inspired by Flowers

 As I was looking for some inspiration at the craft store, I was realizing how important projects, creativity are to me in order to feel like myself. It's something that I don't necessarily have to think about when its present, but when its absent it feels like a void and like I'm trying to catch up to it, like a child running on the playground, becoming far away or hidden from me. 

And so, I took a photo of these flowers to remind me if something deeper. The Kingdom of Heaven, and the beauty of God's creation is all around, even when I'm simply uninspired, in a rut. It reminded me of Ignacio, basking in God's presence with flowers all around him. And to be inspired and enlightened by that truth. 

Confirmation

 I never would have thought I would help out with a Confirmation program, and today being the Confirmation anniversary of my sister and I. It all seemed to just fall into my lap when I took on this role as a volunteer catechist; things started to click. 

Realizing that my deep desire for sharing my faith unfolded over the school year, and the familiarity of working with high school students felt effortless. I was already familiar with the age group and most of them attend the school I used to work at. Not to mention, it's the parish that I would regularly go to pray at after work those 4 years. I could say more, bit you get the point. 

I had a really bad day earlier in the day when I first joined- I was emotional, in a bad mood, and just at a low point with my internship earlier that day. But come evening, I felt so welcomed when I joined, and felt like I had a deeper purpose and mission. Like there was a spark. I instantly felt like I belonged, and it was the right thing. And it's cool to share this with the other volunteers. 

So today, being the anniversary of the day when I received the sacrament of Confirmation, I'm blessed and grateful I get to help prepare young people for the same sacrament. What better way to be a soldier for Christ and witness the faith in this particular way. I never ever thought I would and honestly never gave it a thought, but with time, things seem to make sense and fall into place. 

Unexpected Blessings

 There are little things that can make our day, things we don't even normally think about. They may be minor or not thought about on a regular basis that someone notices and it makes you appreciate some gift of God he bestowed on you.

At Mass on Sunday, I was feeling a little off or just in a slump. Going to Mass really felt like a spiritual lift. The lady right in front of me after Mass ended complimented me on my singing voice and how it was a real gift for her to hear it during Mass. I was so touched since though I do participate in the Mass signing, I'm not always aware of my voice. I just sing!

My sweet sister was visiting for a few days, and we would usually get ready together at the same time. She mentioned my eyebrows and complimented how they look and if I use any eyebrow color enhancing. Nope, they're all natural! Again, something I don't really think about but appreciated to hear.

My other sweet sister hosted the bunch of us for a birthday celebration for our sister and brother-in-law. Her house was such a gift, it fit all of us perfectly and plenty of places to sit and for the kids to play around in the backyard. And the cakes she baked were so delicious! We were all surprised they were packaged mix since they tasted like something from a bakery or a fancy recipe. We were all impressed.

When saying goodbye at the party, my other sweet sister told me she was praying for me, and more particularly praying a novena for me! What a rich, unexpected blessing. I was so touched. 

Order in the Court

In the Fall, I remember not looking forward to going to Jury Duty. I would pass by the Bart station on the freeway and think that in the new year, I would probably have to take Bart and go all the way into Oakland for my jury summons. The thought wasn't at all enjoyable and I didn't want to think too much about it- just be in the present moment and get though the internship and semester.

I did have to go into to Jury Duty, but luckily it was a close location by car, and super convenient. And somehow, it wasn't that bad the way I remember it. Sure, there's a lot of waiting and unknown and that's where books come in handy! But perhaps needing to be somewhere in the morning was kind of a nice change. 

I got the closest I'd ever been to being on the jury- and I was anticipating and really preparing myself for it. My hardship notice fell through, so it seemed the stars were aligning. I actually was surprisingly becoming more interested and intrigued in the whole thing. I was understanding more how a courtroom works, the legality and formality of it all. And there's all different types of people you're around from all backgrounds and walks of life. 

So, when I was able to leave and wasn't picked for the jury, I felt surprised and a little bit disappointed, having strong expectations that I would be. But then I saw it as a commitment that could last not just days but weeks. And to be honest, just being in that environment with all its intensity and required hyper focus attention to understand made me mentally exhausted and drained. 

My first impression of a trial was going to girls' camp. It would be a very silly and comedy driven way of doing a trial- with the counselors as the judge, bailiff and the jury all in silly mannerisms and costumes. It was all based on 'the murder game' we played throughout the week. And it was pure enjoyment and typical camp spirit on Thursday night, with early Friday morning for the consequence of being pushed in the freezing pool water.

Another form of being exposed to it was by reading (and recently reading) the book, To Kill a Mockingbird. There is a famous trial courthouse scene that is very interesting yet has a tragic and sad outcome in the town of Maycomb. 

Faith of a Woman

 Her mission, her faith, her deep love. Angel Studios portrays well in the series, 'The Chosen', Mary Magdalen in a special featured Christmas episode that I recently watched. It isn't too long but navigates the Christmas story creatively and beautifully. Depicting Joseph and Mary traveling to Bethlehem, and Joseph's strength and commitment of protecting Mary and providing for her and baby Jesus. And it also intertwines another story much further into the future, when Jesus has already ascended into heaven. 

Our Lady is older and more frail. She is reflecting upon the time of her son Jesus being born and her prayers and psalm she declared. Mary Magdalen comes to visit her and tell and update her rather emotionally about all that has been happening- the martyrdoms of some of the apostles and preaching in far off lands. Mary sends for her to write the psalms from her heart during the visit with her cousin Elizabeth for Mary Magdalen to send to the apostle Luke who is finishing up writing up the birth of Jesus. 

What struck me is that Mary Magdalen's mission is so unique. It is so profound and beautiful the way it is depicted and though a little bit made up, but perhaps it's also inspired spiritually. Mary Magdalen is also given the cloth the Jesus wore as a baby in the manger, Our Lady wanted to give them to her. Mary M. was struck with emotion, and pure love. I felt that this was symbolic-It was she who also was with Jesus at his most suffering and anguished hours on the cross, and who first saw Him outside the tomb on Easter morning. Her faith, her conviction I felt was strongly and beautifully revealed in this episode. 

Her beginning looked so different than her years following Christ. She was redeemed, perhaps more than once, as The Chosen portrayed, but isn't that how we all are, redeemed, loved, mercy poured out upon us, again, and again, and again. 

I can see how she would be a favorite saint to some, and my parents' wedding anniversary is on her feast day, July 22nd. She had an important part in Jesus' ministry and in carrying out the faith, in her own way and calling. Obedient to Our Lady, giving her full attention and dedication. Mary Magdalen has/had a special calling, and I felt that this episode showed that well. How all our gifts become useful and important in the mission God has for us as a follower, disciple, as woman, beloved. 

Sweet Niece

 

My sweet niece, the closest in age to me. I was teaching her how to drive this past summer. But she has taught me a lot! When I visited my sister and her family, my niece was so cheerful, very helpful, and abounding in hospitality. She was on it with all the help and to dos around the house! She has 3 younger siblings, and she is like the second mom, responsible and attentive to what her mom and dad ask.

She has taught me taught me so much due to her service and cheerful and light- hearted demeanor. We are different in some ways, but it is so sweet to have ' a little sister' as she calls herself. I never had a younger sister, and though I'm so used to it and it's what I know, it's cool to share my life experiences, and do fun things together.

When I visited her and her family, we did each other's hair, she introduced me to The Chosen (Always heard about it, but never really watched it or got into it), always asking how I slept, helping out with snacks for day trips, or just simply chatting up conversation at the table or while we were putting away dishes. 

She is interested to know what my hobbies are, what I'm knitting as she is too, or which language am I currently studying. She would ask about my program, my job, even me being single and how that is or telling her about past dates that were usually duds and she would joke, 'red flag!' We would laugh with her sister while we were in a museum and some things that were funny or just being silly. 

When she visited us here, I would also do her makeup, nails, and we did face masks! She helped me clean out my very messy and dirty make up drawer, with various random things that were no longer useful. She was so happy and eager to help clean it out, give away or mostly just throw away. I'll spare you the details of the all the gunk and clutter. Ha

She has a servant's heart, obedient, playful and so sweet and generous. She sacrificed not taking a tour of her school that I could see, and stayed home to watch her younger brothers instead, while my sister and younger niece and I took a tour of the beautiful school they go to. 

She enjoys baking and being in the kitchen. Hospitality is her strength as she has been doing that on the side for her job. She is active, athletic and is an avid runner, on the cross-country team. Her smile is contagious, and she is so beautiful inside and out! I can't wait to see what the future has in store for her and God's plan for her. 

Dear Dominic

 Dear Dominic,

When I first heard about you, I was overjoyed, surprised and then I cried. They were tears of feeling overwhelmed, and just going through a very hard and tender season. And to be honest, in the moment it was hard to believe my younger brother would be a dad! 

But upon seeing your first entrance into the world through a photo my brother sent, you looked so cute and beautiful. Such a precious boy! I was so happy and overjoyed you were finally here! You came a week late, perhaps not yet ready to leave your mother's womb. But we were all anticipating and awaiting your arrival. My intuition said you were a boy, but then I changed my mind since your mom's belly wasn't too big, and I guess we always associate that with a girl. But I could see my brother being a dad for the first time to a boy, for some reason. 

And here you are, taking your first breaths and bonding with your mom and dad. It is so beautiful and joyful for you to finally come and be loved wholeheartedly. And for me to be an aunt all over again. I can't wait to meet you!

Love,

Aunt Colleen 

Dear Dominic,

Today I met you for the first time. You were sleeping so peacefully and soundly. And you're so cute! All wrapped in your blanket, so comfy and tight. It's amazing you're finally here! And it was also amazing to hear more about your birth story. When I held you, you were the perfect weight and you were in a deep sleep, again peaceful and calm. And you look like such a mix, a combo of your mommy and daddy. I can distinctly see you have your mom's nose and eyes, and your dad's face and cheeks. I wonder what your eye color will be. You're such a gift.

Love,

Aunt Colleen

Dear Dominic,

Good morning! You are an Epiphany baby, a Christmas and New Year's baby. I loved the picture your dad sent of you...you are awake but so stoic, calm and like your dad in that way, I guess. You are the sweetest and cutest; I can't seem to get over it. I look forward to meeting and holding you again!

Love,

Aunt Colleen

Evergreen

 Evergreen. This feeling of fresh, green, renewal, new, ahh. This new year feels not only like a fresh start (like they all do), but one of opportunity and perspective. The color green instills life, and growth and I feel it is all around me. 

As I lit the candle on New Years Day my sister gave me for Christmas it was so refreshing and peaceful. (I really need to light candles more often!) The scent was evergreen- forest fur, and with that came a burning light, and nice aroma to begin again, to recharge, to be grateful. Reminds me of that song by Audrey Assad, titled 'Evergreen', very peaceful and calming. 

I noticed while not on purpose, that I put up some decor in my room that reminds me of evergreen- photos that showcase lush greenery in the background; flowers; green sprouting wall sticker, and my green wall. This rain only adds to making things green and bloom once again, while awaiting what's in store. 

Happy New Year!!