God's Sacred Plan

  I'm the youngest daughter. I'm number 7 of 8 children and what I call God's unique plan. I see number 7 as not lucky but sacred. Just as it is represented in the sacraments and scripture and known as the number of perfection. I am nothing close to perfect, but I know God's plan is.

I think about it from time to time, what I am doing, what I'm passionate about, what I'm studying to somehow pave the way for the next steps, for 'the plan', for the mission I am called on. But I also see it as baby steps, and boy am I a slow mover. God does not work overnight and call it done. He does not answer our requests to make things quick and effortless and allow all to go well with no mistakes. No, God is not in the business of microwave fix-it dinners and vegetables. God has his own time, and usually it's slower than we prefer. 

I see His goodness all around me, especially in the uplifting spring-like weather currently. The blooming flowers, the greenery, the birds chirping. I think to myself, God is taking care of everything, and God is taking care of me. 

I see this even more clearly while reading my favorite book, Left to Tell by Immaculee Illibigiza who writes about surviving the Rwandan genocide and finding God in the midst of the atrocities. She had to put her whole trust in God while hiding with a few other women in a tiny bathroom for 3 months while killers were outside hunting her tribe down. She continued to trust and plead for God’s protection, plan, healing, and comfort. All her prayers depended and revolved around God’s love to get her through unspoken despair, fear and darkness. What faith! 

Do I see God like that? Even if I have not desperately hidden in a bathroom for 3 months to survive humanities’ worst atrocities, do I still trust God’s will for my life, my fears, and even my doubts? Immaculée struggled too, as she writes in her memoir about the voice of doubt, despair, and deep fear from the devil.

So many times in my own life I have been crippled by discouragement, doubt and feelings of spiritual attacks. I admire Immaculée's faith as she continued to pull through and pray and ask for the graces to overcome the evil one’s lies and temptations, as God always heard and provided for her needs.

In the popular TV series, The Chosen, in Season 2 Episode 5 it portrays and focuses on this topic of discouragement with Mary Magdalen becoming downtrodden and discouraged right from the beginning of the episode. Fear lurks in and eventually the evil one. She begins to lose sight of her faith, as well as faith in herself. I love this episode not just due to the beautiful and intricate filming and scenery but more importantly the deeper message at hand. Mary Magdalene suffers and as The Chosen represents it originally and artistically, it is through not just a spiritual attack but also trusting in her own strength rather than God's. How easily I can do the same!

In this episode, when Mary Magdalene encounters a man with demons inside of him, she thinks to be the strong one, or even guard and protect the few other disciples with her. But it has just the opposite effect. She is left spiritually empty and depleted, discouraged, as well as tempted with the same temptations and demons that she once had before as she moves further away from Jesus. She was more vulnerable to the same temptations and sins, not fully realizing her weakness and susceptibility.

 We are all in need of God's graces and cannot fight any battle on our own. It is in scripture when Jesus showed us how to combat temptation when he was tempted by the devil in the desert. He showed to combat these lies and temptations from the evil one by prayer, fasting and quoting scripture. Ultimately the truth of God's word. 

I look to these amazing women, Immaculee, and Mary Magdalen (portrayed in the TV series The Chosen), as well as in scripture of what it means to be a woman of faith, a strong woman who has conviction. Essentially, to strive for perfection and do God’s will. Both women know what it means to suffer, to endure, to hope, to follow and to trust. May I receive the grace to do the same. 

 ~This post was written in March

 

Worth It

 I felt so loved and it felt like a unique and surreal feeling. I was bursting with gratitude, experienced nothing but warmth, and joy. It was hard to describe how it felt to be on the other side of it all, and I would say it was worth it.

It was worth all the stress and heartache of enduring the long, treacherous journey this semester and throughout my program. It was worth the many doubts and discouragements and darkness I could feel at times, or sometimes people's criticism. It was worth the commitment and long days at the computer and pounding out the schoolwork. It was worth the unknown of not sure what was on the other side and if I would pass. 

It was worth the feeling of accomplishment, of perseverance and grit and listening to this call that seemed to stay strong and consistent. Though it still took a lot of trust and overriding the challenges, it was worth it. It was worth it to see the final result and push on through. And I'm so glad I did. 

My Story, His Glory

 'My story, His glory' I couldn't help but notice the girl's cap in front of me upon walking up on stage. I felt it was necessary for me to see that, to be reminded of that. All the pain, hardship, doubt, discouragement and blood, sweat, and tears were all for God's glory wrapped up in my story, my journey. I love the encouragement, meaning and beauty in that there was something deeper in various parts of the journey, in the suffering, unknown, good, accomplishments and learning. 

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He called me while I was shopping at Savors. He told me about his plans for his upcoming program and said he would graduate in May, a one year program. I was getting kind of annoyed because he was talking a lot, and felt like there wasn't much purpose in the phone call- the school year had ended, we weren't going to be seeing or working together anymore, and the way things ended were kind of odd and hurtful to me when he didn't even say 'thank you', 'have a nice summer', or 'goodbye' when we parted ways on campus. He asked when I would be graduating from my program. I said me too, in May, that's the plan at least. 

Wow, that felt like a long ways a way, and what would happen throughout this next year, I thought to myself. I didn't have anything new to look forward to as I was very burnt out in my program and wasn't taking a summer class. Everything felt new, uncertain, unstable, open time, and nostalgia. 

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I thought about that conversation with my old coworker while I was graduating last night and it made me smile, because I did it! I graduated, I finished, I completed this goal, this huge endeavor that I literally put so much of my energy, time, money, effort and brain cells into like never before. 

Ahead

 'The rest is still unwritten.'  As I was driving this morning, I turned on the radio and this song came on by Natasha Bedingfield, one of my favorites. I felt it symbolic as I felt free and ready to embrace this new season of no longer being a student, of closing out this long and hard chapter, rewarding yes, but tiring. Hard to put into words, but descriptive in my memory and feelings. I'm still processing much of it but throughout time would also like to write more about it and my journey.

It's a whole new season, chapter, and adventure ahead. Although not sure what it will look like necessarily, I do feel ready to embrace and anticipate it, as each season prepares us for the next in some way, shape or form. 

The Book I Read

 Is there anything like finishing out your Masters studies and then the next day reading a book to your nephews' TK class? The ending of my schooling journey is just the beginning of theirs. Their first full year of being in a classroom and school is nearing the end, as mine did also. So, what better way to read them a story, and in some ways for both of us to close out our own chapters, and also surprise them and enjoy the experience. It put a smile on my face.

In case you're curious at all, the book I read was 'Adrian Simcox Does Not have a Horse.' It wasn't the first one I found or anything, rather I had to go through a few and did some brainstorming before coming across this one. I also didn't want to choose just any book to read- I wanted one with some significance and meaning. One day while I was searching the library webpage, I was curious to type in 'empathy' and this book was one of the first to come up. 

I was intrigued and interested to check it out. Immediately, I loved the pictures that were like artwork with eye catching color, as well as the message. Yes, it was revolved around imagination and creativity but also understanding and empathy. This was the book that I would read to my nephews' class! 

Starts with Roses

 I don't think it's ironic in any way that my semester and long journey of my program ended on the feast day of Our Lady of Fatima. Our Lady has been interceding for me all along, in small and big ways. 

You see, before I started my Masters program I prayed and asked Our Lady and specifically Our Lady of Guadalupe, one of my favorites. I was inspired by St. Zelie's devotion to her and how she got answers and consolation of what she should do- to ultimately start a lace making business. This gave me full confidence that Our Lady would be interceding and guiding me as well in my own endeavors.  And it didn't stop there. Throughout my time in this unique online program, I've asked for her help and looked to her for consolation too. These past few years brought on many challenges and demands, so what better way to have her by my side. 

It wasn't a coincidence that I named my blog for my last class 'Salt and Roses' on WordPress and had an image of roses and beautiful and colorful bouquet of flowers underneath Our Lady of Guadalupe image. It was my first semester in the program I took the photo, as I mentioned, and looking to her was a balm to my soul. 

This was a similar photo to the one with roses

I felt that things had come full circle. Here I was finishing out my program and, in some ways, looking back to the very beginning, not just with the roses and image, but also my professor for my last class was the same professor whom I watched his lectures for my first course. (My professor had us watch his lectures). 

I know it also doesn't stop there. She will continue to help and guide me on this new journey and season of discovery. As I've had an image on my wall for a couple of years and that I look to often, 'Am I not here, who am your Mother?' 

A New Year's Eve Prayer

 "I'm so open to whatever you want me to do. I'll always be a disciple forever." 

I read this last line, on the cusp of 2024, and it struck me. I felt like I was reading through someone's diary, or personal prayers to God. It actually wasn't a journal at all, but a booklet of 'The 7 Joys of Mary.' 

When I was looking through this booklet the first time, I came to a written part at the back, someone had written a note, rather a prayer in cursive. I was able to read most of it and felt a bit awestruck. Here I was on New Years Eve of 2023, and this lady wrote this prayer, if you will, on the same day, 2014. 

Here is the rest of it:

"Tonight is the last day of 2014. I'm leaving this year without or with (?) any troubled thoughts or (not sure what she wrote here) and going into 2015 to ask (?) dear Lord to guide me- so I ask for strength and forgiveness. Please always be with me and my family and children and dear friends. [I'm so open to whatever you want me to do. I'll always be your disciple forever.]" - Bonnie Allan Oto Wheaton

I've looked over her writing many times, even when I wasn't reading this booklet. I still couldn't make out some of her handwriting, but the overall message was the same. She was holding onto God, His graces, promises and for her to keep being lead and have the strength to endure whatever it was she was battling. It was an honest prayer, a beautiful prayer. There was nothing showy about. It was hidden in the last page of this book, and easy to be overlooked or forgotten. 

Upon the first time I read it, it brought tears to my eyes. Her last line there showcases a woman of true faith and character, emulating our Blessed Mother- as the book is all about Mary and depicting her 7 joys.

 I want to follow in her footsteps, in this same way of asking, even begging our Lord for not only guidance and strength but also to continue following him whatever the cost. To be a disciple- that will never change. 'I'll always be a disciple forever'. Beautiful. 

Flow

 It was wet. We were walking in the puddles and the rain still hadn't decided to stop. Or ever. The flow of the rain correlated with our flow of conversation. And our matching black jackets seemed to not be keeping up with the weight of the water or doing the job of keeping us dry. I didn't seem to mind that not only my pants were clearly damp, but my shoes were soaked, and my hands were feeling numb. Not to mention, my hair wasn't fully covered inside my hood. Oh well, I would take a shower anyway, I thought. The only thing was sloshing my way into the library later, looking like a soaked person (or rat) that looked like I forgot my umbrella or any other rain gear (insert rainboots). 

The sheer dampness and cold of the unlikely May shower was part of the equation. It was fun, interesting and engaging talking to my new(ish) friend. Her and I only just met a little over 2 months ago, but in a group event, it felt like we were the only ones. We had more to share and catchup on. We both didn't mind the rain too much or getting wet and our jackets soaking through into our clothes. It felt worth it, and somehow walking in the rain doesn't every really seem to bother me. 

Even as the small group of us sitting at the table for brunch, chatting, the place loud and busy, people coming and going and servers calling out people's names for their order, the stillness was brought upon the enduring wetness outside. The rain drops tapping on the windows like an old friend. It seemed to almost slow down time. I was facing the bakers, who looked like they were going through the motions of folding and kneading dough or baking bread. 

The paintings on the walls reminded me of a famous painter that I couldn't remember the name of. There were other pictures too that looked more amateur and hand drawn and were framed. It was only upon walking outside again and even standing in the rain that felt more inspiring, engaging than sitting in the cafe bakery where it was a bit harder to clear my head or pay full attention to different comments and conversations. 

Afterwards, I threw my wet clothes in the washer. I took a shower and felt like the spring rain came upon a good day, to walk, to talk, to connect and even get soaked and be a bit unprepared. Sometimes I prefer it that way. 

In Honor of St. Joseph

 Looking up at the large statue of St. Joseph with Jesus beside him was a moment to take in. Here I was at the basilica of St. Joseph on the cusp of finishing out my Masters program with SJSU. It has all been aligned with St. Joseph since the very start. He has been one of the main intercessors for me as a student. The many prayers have been directed towards him to help and carry me through the challenges, the demands, the grades, the tasks, (and of course God and the Holy Spirit as well.)

Gazing up at him provoked emotions from these past few years. In some ways it all feels like a blur, but then again, I can easily recall the hard work, constant assignments, papers, projects and burnout.  And today being his feast day- St. Joseph the Worker, celebrating and remembering his example in his work and spiritualty as the foster Father of Jesus, there's a depth of gratitude and honor for him. 

St. Joseph is a great and powerful intercessor for many things, but particularly work, housing, relationships/spouses I've heard, and prayers have been answered from many people in various areas. I can attest to many times him interceding for me for yet again another assignment or paper or my final project for my Master's and he always pulled through. 

I prayed the novena to him at the beginning of the year specifically for a job and after the 9th day heard back from a job I applied to! That was quick, I thought. I calculated the rest, and it was 9 days apart from the second interview to my first day training- all due to St. Joseph!

St. Joseph has been a bedrock and inspiration in my past jobs as well. I would look to him at the statue in the back of the church after mass in the early morning and sigh and always ask for his help and intercession when the days just felt long, mundane and wasn't sure when I should leave or not. I'd place my hands on his which, knowing he was a carpenter and used his hands for his work and could help me in mine (often had a chromebook in front of me and thought of him). 

Last summer, when my dad and I went out to lunch for an early birthday, we made a stop at a local church inside the chapel. I hadn't seen the renovation of it, yet the chapel looked different and much more beautiful and prayerful. Upon entering, I saw a St. Joseph statue and I felt like the statue blinked at me instantly, and I did a double take. Good ol' St. Joseph, always around to help us in our prayer life. 

St. Joseph, terror of demons. I have this prayer card on my desk and would look to it often as a reminder of his help and presence, particularly during these last months of my studies. 

I look to St. Joseph as a powerful model of faith, trust, humility, prayer, perseverance and joy. Wednesdays are the days devoted to him (todays' a Wednesday and it's his feast day!) and the inspiration of others' witness of prayers to him are powerful. I can think of prayers for a house as my sister and brother-in-law's housing situation and buying their house, my other sister and brother-in-law buying their house after renting and so many others' testimonies. 

St. Joseph, pray for us.