Plant. Flowers. Bloom. Grow. I didn't find it ironic that these words struck me on my birthday, as they depicted and showed themselves in various ways as a theme. I was wearing a vibrant skirt on purpose, and also my shirt was brown- and now I see it as symbolic of dirt, which allows plants and flowers to grow.
The sketch book I bought with a gift card had open pages that I found that I desperately wanted and needed as well as symbolizing this new season, chapter and year! The cover has flowers, plants and a butterfly.
Browsing downtown Larkspur and window shopping, cute and quaint boutiques caught my eye, with a window display of flowers!
The wrapping paper my sister used for my gifts were green- full of leaves and branches.
The notebook my mom gifted me was green and decorated with leaves.
This time in Ordinary Time in the Catholic church is full of 'greenery'. A time to grow, reflect, pray, go deeper and stronger in the faith. There is certainly nothing ordinary about it.
There is nothing ordinary turning a new chapter and turning the page to 32! I'm excited to see what's in store, and grateful for all the many blessings.
It's time to slow down. It has been a good time to slow down, to rest, to rejuvenate, to process, and to just be. 'To be still', as scripture says. And I've been needing that, little did I know, craving it actually, but it has caught up with me these past weeks. Oh how long it can take to fully feel recharged, and encountering the present moment and seeing all the gifts.
I want to be still- in my thoughts, and let God take care of all the details. In my worries, and know that God is in charge. In my frustrations, wonderings, deeper emotions, He is there and sees and knows it all. I want to be present and undistracted in all the many blessings, even minor ones that I forget and can easily take for granted.
I want to be more confident in who I am as a woman and daughter of God. In His plan for me, in what He says and how He communicates with me- in the subtleties, in intuitions, and premonitions and interior voices. I need to be more confident in listening and obeying and understanding rather than not listening or fully embracing it. To not second guess or doubt.
Just like St. John the Baptist, to lead a life of mission, of purpose and to lead others to Christ. And like St. Mary Magdalene, to listen to God's words and act on them, to be there standing by Christ's side and waiting for Him at the empty tomb. To be paying attention and observing and not letting go. To be a woman of faith, and to see the good and strengths in others as well, recognizing Christ in them.
And lastly, to not be afraid of this new year ahead, as well as what this past year had showed me. It taught me many things and stretched me on so many levels. To gain and realize many lessons, beautiful and good things as well as difficult and very challenging ones. They were all for a purpose.
I thought I had it all figured out. I was just a week away from starting my internship and new semester. I had finally landed into the spot that I had wanted and desired for 2 years. Though there was a lot on my mind, there was also idealistic expectations of what things would look like.
Being in that headspace and anticipating what was ahead was exciting but also a little daunting. It was a rather busy week of being with my oldest nieces, hosting and family events. I tried to seek out any moments of solitude and prayer time that I could.
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| Holding youngest niece at the time |
Being in nature for my mom and sister's birthday in this photo was peaceful and refreshing, looking out to the water and chatting with family was just what I needed to regroup a little and prepare for an upcoming change in schedule.
I thought I was done figuring things out and especially coming out of a very rough season, things finally started looking up. The internship interview came out to be pretty seamless and really felt the Holy Spirit guiding me through it. But that peace, reassurance, confidence left quickly, and the next few months felt like survival mode.
I realized pretty early on that I didn't have everything figured out, not even close. I was in a totally new season and chapter, with little guidance and support knowing how to navigate all the newness and change.
Little did I know that deep down I was ready for this. It was quite scary and challenging, but it strengthened me in a new way if I wasn't open to this season and opportunity.
I kept looking back to the past for comfort, for realizations, for support and just for my own mental sanity and inspiration, as I felt so alone and isolated in my experience. This also strengthened me as I was in my head a lot of the time, which I was used to in other seasons, yet this looked different.
Somehow, (by the grace of God), I managed to survive and finish out the semester and internship that wasn't life giving but had its own purpose to it. I would think back to the days of distant learning a few years back when I worked on zoom in the early time of COVID-19 and would pass by this library on the way to my job.
Somehow, I thought an inspiration of being and working there would be more enjoyable than working at my current job. Other connections followed like visiting there after work to pick up books, study, or use the restroom on my lunch breaks. In the end, it all felt interconnected and a deeper meaning to me being there for that semester.
The other week my sister was wearing a shirt with a butterfly on it. 'Mariposa' it said, and immediately I remembered and recalled this year was the year of the butterfly for me- it was the theme or the image I felt was symbolic for me.
When I was leaving one of my work shifts, there were cupcakes for teacher appreciation. And on top of the cupcakes there was a decoration, a butterfly ring. I smiled to myself and knew I had to keep it, as a memory on this journey, this hard year, yet also powerful, growth filled and learning curves.
There have been so many moments of seeing a butterfly flutter around and this year, raw aches, growing pains, new seasons and chapters reminds me of what I've experienced, gained and learned along the way.
An image of a butterfly feels more like a journey - a particular season and chapter of growth, discovery and hardships wrapped up in graces and blessings. It's ultimately made me trust in God more and go deeper and stronger in my faith and learn more about myself. The image of a butterfly a year ago felt so fresh and almost uncomfortable with stepping into a new season that I was so unfamiliar with, almost like stepping on ice and not knowing if you will slip first or of the ice will crack and break. It all felt so daunting and I felt so unprepared for it in my mind. (I like to feel prepared and know ahead of time) and didn't know what to expect.
I thought ideally, I would keep seeing the guy who was taking me out on dates. I assumed we would have more time together in the summer to get to know each other. But before any of those ideas fully became a reality they were dropped unexpectedly without any explanation.
Perhaps I am a little too idealistic, but it was also something hopeful, and to look forward to. And as any woman might feel, my 30th year was drawing to a close. It took weeks to heal, recover, process and ultimately know it was meant to be, in that we wouldn't be a good match for each other in many respects. And there were still and are many things I am learning and growing in myself- another symbol of the butterfly- growing, expanding, discovering.
This too is a whole new season- one of slowing down, processing, creating, enjoying, living.
I wasn't sure what to order, but the drink was the perfect amount of caffeine and milk, and to savor it especially since we had planned this for some weeks.
It was actually a sister type week. Seeing my dear sister on Tuesday, visiting my sweet sister on Wednesday and Thursday and plans with my dear sister again on Friday.
This is a wonderful opportunity for slowing down, for reflecting, healing, processing, creating, savoring and planning. And some coffee adds another special element.
