Two Gifts

 Yesterday I received two gifts. One was a bag my mom made and sewed with pretty floral material. She gave it to me without me knowing she made it and had me in my mind. It was nice, and pretty like I said. But I guess I didn't love it in the sense that I would use it. If I'm honest, it looked more like a little girl, something for my younger nieces. I mentioned that to my mom, and she said that was fine, no hurt feelings. 

I apologized again, and felt a bit bad that I didn't really embrace this gift, it just didn't really look like me. My mom said it was fine, but she felt that the colors and blend of the floral material looked more artsy and like Monet or Impressionism style and that's why she thought of me. I guess I could start seeing it too, and it didn't so much look like 'little girl' but rather beautiful, creative, artsy, and simple- my mom had me in mind, and I embraced the gift. 

The second gift, if you will, was when my mom was going through old photos and cards. She came across one of me and handed it to me- it was of my Junior year in High School. I was surprised I didn't flinch. I never liked this photo, and it was actually my least favorite yearbook photo and also interesting my least  favorite year in High School (it was by far my hardest year in many respects). But I actually came to like it. 

I never liked it since my face looked not so much tan but sunburnt- I couldn't really tell anymore. I didn't like my smile or my eyes in the photo, but now they just 'spoke me', little me at 17. I didn't love my hair, but I actually liked it with its blonde streaks and highlights, but mostly strawberry blonde look- I must say it was a gorgeous color that I never paid attention to. I felt my cheeks were bigger because of the sun streaked face, but again, it just looked like me with a year of JV high school basketball behind me, two years of French class, a year of being VP for the Students for Life club, 2 years with my sister and 2 years to come with my younger brother, and many, many bus rides still to go, and many behind me, not to mention waiting at the bus stop sometimes longer than usual, and a year ahead of loving my math class, not thriving being President of SFL club, navigating friendships, and missing my sister while she was in Italy, as well as my two other sisters who moved out within a span of a week. There was so much ahead, and I didn't even know. 

10 years later, I would be working at a High School, and happy to be staff and not a high school student anymore. It feels great to embrace all that awkwardness, self-doubt, and teenage growth in yourself years later and see it as a learning curve and a journey and just how precious all of it is. It was a gift to see that school photo again. And sometimes, after all these years later, I feel deep down I haven't really changed too much at all.

Annunciation

 Feast of the Annunciation today.  I didn't go to Mass, but already it felt like a better and more uplifting day than yesterday. This warm, spring weather and blossoming air really uplifts the spirit after the winter chill and rain. 

Today, I was thinking about Our Lady, who said yes to God's plan of her carrying in her womb the Savior of the world and becoming a mother to Him. I thought about her questioning, her willingness to do God's will and her joy in becoming pregnant with her own Lord and Savior.

 When I felt the sunshine on my face, and the tree blossoms, and a tree in the morning sunlight today, I thought also of the contrast with this beauty- Satan's interruption and hate for it. Since he already interrupted it once with Adam and Eve, this was God's divine plan and intervention. 

I thought of this contrast with the evil one, since a movie I've seen a couple of years ago titled, 'Mary of Nazareth' depicts Mary peacefully and joyfully in nature looking up at a tree, and around the corner of the tree is the snake lurking, not too soon before the angel Gabriel appears to her when she is back at her house.  I love the way Mary is so peaceful and content and is so willing and happy to say 'yes' to God's plan., even if she doesn't fully understand it. 

I feel this has already been a 'year of Mary' for me with daily rosaries, listening to rosary in a year, listening to Immaculee speak and share about her love for Mary and the rosary, purchasing and wearing Marian inspired jewelry created by my dear sister, consecration to Our Lady of Lourdes again this year. 

I only want to keep up devotion to Our Lady and emulate her love, joy, peace and trust in God's plan. 

It Started with Banana Pancakes

 It started with banana pancakes. This past Sunday, I made banana pancakes for breakfast using Ina Garten's recipe. It was fun to mix the ingredients, bake, and eat them. It was better than any ordinary (banana) pancake I must say, just as Garten states.

The week ended with attending a young adult event at a person's house and thinking I would meet only strangers, which I was happy to do, but I also saw a few familiar faces and had good conversations with them and the people I didn't know as well. People are craving connections, community, like mindedness and feeling a part of something. I feel this too...as I figure out my next steps and find purpose and meaning in my next chapter and line of work/career. 

But it was a breath of fresh air, spring blossoms and cool spring rain rising into my lungs as I entered that house last night. Bubbling with conversation, drinks and eating, and endless possibilities and hope. Hope that there are people out there, and that there are purposes and reasons for this dryness at times.

Dryness, emptiness. These words I read in the daily readings yesterday at Mass from the Old Testament with Joseph whose brothers tried to kill him since he was favored by his father and they were jealous of him. Sometimes I too can feel and experience this dryness like Joseph who was "stripped of the long tunic he had on; then they took him and threw him into the cistern, which was empty and dry" (Genesis 37). But then I know that there's a reason, a purpose, light at the end of the tunnel and hope. 

Unexpected Graces from Retreats

 I never would have expected to have gone on 3 retreats in 3 years. These weren't necessarily planned on my own accord, but rather just came about. 

The first one in 2023 was a spring retreat, after Easter but still during the Easter season. It was in mid-May right around Mother's Day. One of my sisters was helping plan it and invited other women (it was a women's silent retreat). I initially thought I couldn't go due to a lot of assignments and a busy time of year. But later, I felt an inspiration from the Holy Spirit to go, and everything did work out and was able to take some time off work and everything to make it happen. I'm so glad I did. 

I still remember this special and refreshing retreat, one which was so needed to get away from all the noise, and distractions. We were given small notebooks to take our notes in throughout the retreat, and I tried my best to take the notes from the priest's reflections and homily; he was a profound speaker. 

It was nice to be around other catholic women and cultivate this prayerful silence and listening to the reflections from the CFR priest and time spent in adoration, as well as opportunities for confession. My sister asked me to be a lector for one of the readings and though I was somewhat nervous, it was powerful to proclaim the word of God. 

The second retreat was at the end of 2024 for Confirmation. I was helping out with this weekend retreat for the Confirmation Year 2. I didn't realize or anticipate how much I needed to get away, in silence, in nature, beauty, outdoors and to be with the teens and get to know them a little more. There was preparation for this retreat, but I didn't expect that it would feel like a retreat for myself as well- so many graces, consolations, tears, gratitude, prayers. It was a trying time. 

The 3rd retreat was this year, just 2 weeks ago. I heard about it from my sister-in-law. It was the author and speaker, Immaculee Ilibagiza who spoke at a church. And luckily, it wasn't too far away, and I was able to make it work with my schedule. It was so beautiful to meet her in person, after reading her books a number of times. I used that small green notebook I used from the women's retreat to take notes on what she said. I never would have imagined having met her. It was a joyous and grace filled time. 

Refreshment

 

I felt this drive, this vigor to study, to pursue, to accomplish. To create goals for myself, ones that last and have meaning and purpose but also challenging and motivating. I had a plan, to go to a new adoration chapel and upon entering I felt like God was waiting for me (He always is waiting for us) since there was no one there at the time. I took it all in, the beauty of the new and refreshing setting.

It was so inviting, so beautiful, peaceful, and quiet. I could let my thoughts in my mind and heart sink into the walls, the statues of Our Lady and St. Joseph, to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. It was a hard day. Another day of having so much in my interior to be sifted through from the day to process, to heal, to pray, to listen, to reflect and breathe. 

I noticed when I left the chapel, my breathing was lighter, peaceful and the strains and tension on my shoulders dissipated. Going to that chapel really helped, and also a new environment, a new, refreshing place to pray, to be still. 

Afterwards, I went to a cafe to study. One that I've been to throughout the seasons. I tried to review a little before I would talk to my brother on the phone. From the window, I could see the sky turn a light pink, the stillness and cool air enter as its shift was about to come. The afternoon was fading and evening was entering like a Polaroid as I slowly sipped, ate, and wrote down notes. My brother and I talked and caught up a bit, it was good. He was about to enter into his night shift. 

As I was driving home, I couldn't help but think of a year ago and where I was at, and what I was doing. I felt like I had grown so much, learned and been through growing seasons that stretched me in new ways, in good ways, in purposeful and painful ways. I felt like I was doing things at times a year ago just because, just to get it done, but didn't really believe it with all my heart, didn't really know what the result or outcome would be. I knew deep down that there were pieces missing to the puzzle. I just wasn't sure if I would ever find them. 

Like hindsight, like a bird's eye view, wisdom shows its face, and the past becomes clearer, more understandable. I see things clearer now, and I feel like God has laid out my path in ways I hadn't fully noticed, hadn't believed in, somewhat doubtful and unready. 

He will guide in my days, He will set a lamp to my feet to walk, to trust in Him. 

Marian Flowers, Marian Week

 I feel that this was a Marian week. I was trying to emulate and soak in all that I received from Immaculée's retreat and about Our Lady and the Rosary. I asked Our Lady Monday morning, to be with me at work, to feel her presence. I felt my prayer was answered when a teacher announced on email that there were some flowers up for grabs in the breakroom/teacher lounge. I was interested to look and see these flowers.

I was happy no one else was there, as I could take my time to look through which ones to take, daffodils, lily, tulips, hydrangea. I felt like Our Lady was inviting me, with me in my day, as I had just two days ago consecrated myself to her. I had put a fuchsia pink rose with baby's breath in a vase near her statue at the church while Immaculee was praying. These flowers I took from work also felt like a reminder of life, of spring, of beautiful things. 

Two days last week, I put a rosary in my pocket. So, throughout the day, in the classes I'm in I could be reminded of Mary, as I touched the rosary. 

My dear sister opened up an Etsy shop with created jewelry pieces inspired by Our Lady. I was so happy and proud of her, her creativity, her love for Our Lady and inspiration to personally create these beautiful pieces. I ordered 2 of them. Our Lady is always close to us, never far away.