Nothing Like Motherhood

 I can't help but think about a year ago, finishing out my program completely with my last class, assignments and blog post. I was at a Starbucks submitting my last pieces of writing, commenting- it all felt very surreal, somewhat bittersweet but also exciting. 

In that moment, my thoughts hadn't caught up yet. I knew Our Lady was watching over me, as I had finished on the feast day of Our Lady of Fatima. I had gotten sick, so couldn't finish out the last two days at my horrible job, but honestly, I felt it was God's protection. 

I'm also thinking about last week. But somehow, it feels like a blur in someways, and in others I'm just in awe. I'm in awe of motherhood and how much it takes energy wise, but also love, wisdom, planning, sacrifice, sacrifice, and some more sacrifice. These are just some of the words of how I can describe it. 

Last week, I was helping out with my sister's children. My mom and I were staying over and helping out while she was welcoming her baby boy. I realized the intensity of motherhood, the rewards, the giving, and the exhaustion in ways I haven't fully experienced before with my nieces and nephews. 

It was a gift to experience, and it put me in a whole other world and dimension. One so strong where I literally forgot about my outside life, it wasn't merely as important or busy. I would think of my dear sister and ask myself, how does she do it? Day after day? Now I can understand it better, the hard, the good, and enduring it throughout the day. The days can feel fast or long depending on various factors. I also thought of Our Lady and her motherhood to Jesus, and the different demands.

I felt blessed, the one where my niece and nephews feel comfortable with me, and comforting them in their time of pain, tiredness, tears, frustration, laughter, joy. My sweet nephew utterly distraught about hurting his small toe outside and comforting and consoling him to calm his cries and sobs down and talking him through it. Or when he woke up twice in 2 days in the middle of the early morning or night due to a nightmare. And in my exhaustion, just holding and rocking him and whispering comforting words, or saying a hail Mary or two. What sacrifice, but what beauty, to still a young child in their fears, and to know that God does the same for us. 

And holding and meeting my newest nephew for the first time was such a miracle, so special. He is so precious and adorable. There is just something so miraculous about holding a baby, a newborn. It feels as though time stops, and joy and wonder overflow. 

_____________________________________________________________

I would hear the crickets in the dusk and nighttime. It felt like summer, the very hot days melting into the cool night sky. I could be still with my thoughts on the comfy couch if my sister and brother-in-law and where I would be sleeping each night. It was comfortable and I slept well. I wanted to write some of those nights, but I didn't have the mental capacity to sift through the day or describe, though I wanted to, not sure how to articulate. My inspiration was lower, but I would try again the next night. 

 But what I experienced was special, and looking back on the day felt bittersweet- another day over, even if it felt longer or quicker, we got through it, and to savor those precious moments and the intensity of some moments. A unique feeling all its own. I would read some books, do some Russian study for my language course, check my email. Another day was approaching, and I needed to be well rested, I thought, as I would hear the crickets singing outside the window. 

Taking Notice

 I was trying to focus and be in the present and look all around me and see beauty. Today, I noticed flowers. Something that may seem ordinary but so beautiful, especially in this blooming springtime. I think this noticing also comes with intentional noticing and gratitude. 

When our mind is preoccupied with many things, it's hard to see the good, and beautiful around us, no matter how simple. Gratitude comes in when we thank God for the wonderful gifts and blessings we have and immediately it shifts our mindset and focus to be more positive. 

That's what I was thinking of this morning, thanking God for making a way for me to work at a school again, with students, close to home and that big desire being met knowing I was meant to work here, even though it's been quite a challenging school year. 

Little things like this can really make a great start to the day. 

History class- Renaissance decor

Bright flowers on lunch break

Alter flowers after adoration

Crumbs From the Cake

 I was thinking about that time when I met up with my dear sister in February. It was President's Day, and it felt long overdue. I remember the morning to be kind of cloudy and gloomy. We went to a cake place, but also a cafe. I saw displays of these cakes and models of them on the wall. We also went to a nice brunch spot called 'Crumbs' a month later. We wanted to go there for a long time, but it was always crowded. 

It made me think, cakes are made up of crumbs. Life is made up of small moments. Friendship is made up of shared moments, laughter, vulnerability, conversation, time spent. And cakes are a symbol of celebration. It always feels like a celebration when we meetup, talk, share and are in one another's presence. 

Those cakes on the wall reminded me of goodness, joy, gratitude. In the moment, I didn't really feel like that as it was a challenging time and like a winter slump. 

I want to see more of the goodness around me and not just the crumbs that go by each day. 

Scripture and Gardens

 "So, you find in our Jesus a personality that's so unique. He acts the same way with you and me. When He doesn't answer our prayers, He lets us hunger a day. When He doesn't do what we desire, He lets us hunger a second day. And when we're dissatisfied with His will, He makes us wait a third day in hunger and thirst until the time comes when He decides He has to help us." - Mother Angelica

I was reading this book by Mother Angelica about the Bible and scripture. It was very eye opening, inspiring and enriching. It was a different way of looking at scripture, meditating, understanding and imagining. I 've learned that's what we have to do, imagine the scene as if you were there. 

I really like how Mother Angelica writes and asks these questions to ourselves and what we would be thinking and experiencing, forming this prayer, this closeness with Jesus, with the living word of God. 

I feel it's taken a back seat in my life. To be still, to really pray and be attentive to God's word. Somehow, the beginning of the Easter season you forget that it's the most beautiful, joyful, glorious time, or at least its aimed to be. That's where prayer and scripture come in, to go back into God's word, and more time -sifting through it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been thinking of a garden. The vision of a garden came to me throughout Lent. When I would see flowers in a chapel, I would think of a garden and visiting Jesus among plants and flowers. 

When I was on a run sometime last week, I passed by a house that always reminds me of a garden. It has overflowed plants and some wildflowers in front, it looks unkept but mysterious. It has a gate that secures the walkway, definitely like a mysterious and glorious garden enclosed.

 I feel there are a number of scriptures that pertain to this.

And also relating to gardens, I hadn't realized or paid attention that Jesus was buried in a garden on Good Friday. I guess it makes sense since Mary Magdalen thought he was the gardener when she went to the tomb on Easter morning. 

And also, going back to the Garden of Eden where God formed Adam and Eve and the fall of humankind and then the Garden of Gethsemane where Jesus was in anguish and sweated blood on Holy Thursday. We can find God in a garden. St. Faustina in her diary mentions seeing Jesus while she is walking in a garden, so beautiful. Now with Easter joy, a garden of graces, and blessings, abundant with lilies.