Eating a Pickle

 This was my lunch on my birthday. And I ate the pickle. 

I actually never eat pickles and don't really like or prefer them. The only way I've actually eaten them is when they're sliced in a hamburger or sandwich perhaps.

I felt that eating a pickle is a good symbol for fortitude (my word for the year!) I guess eating a pickle can symbolize hope (like being in a pickle) but seeing a way forward. 

And with my tulip pants, and the quietish and special time of eating a (free) lunch with a gift card I hadn't used in a year, it was meaningful. With an extra birthday cookie in tow, I would save the sweetness for later. 

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3 things that stuck with me during my excursion:

1) It felt like I was having coffee with Jesus (well, not really, by with the empty seat across from me, I happily imagined for a moment Jesus there, and being with me at the start of 33rd year)

2) And with Panera bread, you know, it's like breaking bread together ;) 

3) And when I went to buy walking shoes at the mall, representing walking, following in His footsteps. How meaningful :)

Oh, Audrey

 

Roman Holiday movie

I've been interested in Audrey Hepburn movies and the actress herself since as long as I can remember. I was most likely since High School. My brother asked me once in one of his letters long ago, why I liked her so much? I couldn't really think of a great answer to explain, but that she's so classy, elegant and timeless, I feel. She passed away in the early 90's, but I still feel she is special and timeless to many people over the world.

Maybe she was just an actress to others, but I found her life and personality beyond the silver screen interesting, admirable, yet also quite hard, sad, disappointing but also hopeful. 

My same brother gifted me a book about her for my birthday- 10 years ago! I don't have the book anymore but remember it and the conversation we had. I explained how later in life she felt called to help out in some way, she became an ambassador for UNICEF. She loved children. 

On my birthday this year, I was reading a book about her. One I bought with an Amazon gift card later this spring. I found it so interesting, yet not quite surprising that my interest hadn't fully dissipated regarding Audrey. 

Some interests don't fade, quite the contrary. You simply come back to them, like there was no distance at all, only to smile to yourself about how much it speaks to you, and you haven't really changed at all. 

(Just like in Roman Holiday, where Audrey (Princess Ann) cuts her hair short, but she's still recognizable to a few, and a special one- she's still the same dainty, whimsical, adventurous, classy young lady). It's a film where I've also enjoyed, and one my sister and I a number of years ago would jokingly quote, 'Oh, so happy'.

Morning Face

 This is my face when I wake up. 

I didn't want to edit it since God sees us beyond the physical features that we don't always like. I woke up and was refreshed and happy for being 33. A new day, a new year just beginning. 

What will this year bring? Don't we always think of that- what God will surprise us with, in new and hard ways? 

I just want to think of the day as a total gift, to behold and savor. Not so much to think too much ahead. To plan, yes, but also to be in the present where God already is.

I feel such special and intimate joy to be the same age as Jesus was when he was crucified and died for our sins. Wow, that is something to savor and behold.

There are different themes, or symbols, if you will of this year that I came upon. 

The Holy Trinity feels like a big symbol form this year, talking numbers here, since 3 persons in 1. My age has a 3, and then when you divide the 3 with the other 3 it becomes 1. 'The One thing is Three'. 

I will teach 3rd grade at the beginning of the school year. :)

3 minus 3 is 0. I want to follow God and hold nothing or 0 back. 

3+3 is 6. What did 6 years ago look like? Discerning next steps before working at a high school and anticipating working in education still. Did a Southern American cooking class, ate at a Chicago style pizza place and prayed outside a Planned Parenthood facility with 40 days, wore a shirt I painted, and wrote on the paper plate I ate birthday cake from with a quote. 

What will 6 years from now look like?  Well, it doesn't matter right now. 

Bold. That's one of the words I took for this year. We'll see what God does with it, has in store, and the ideas I come up with along the way...

Hagar and Tulips

 This picture reminded me of Hagar, in the Old Testament.

Abram told Sarai: 'Your maid is in your power. Do to her whatever you please.' Sarai then abused her so much that Hagar ran away from her. The Lord's messenger found her by a spring in the wilderness, the spring on the road to Shur, and he asked, 'Hagar, maid of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?'' She answered, 'I am running away from my mistress, Sarai. But the Lord's messenger told her: 'Go back to your mistress and submit to her abusive treatment. I will make your descendants so numerous..." Genesis 16 6-11

It also reminds me of this year and what God had done and what God promises to do. Peace, restore, hope, lovingly invite and speak to. 

The water symbolizes to me this 'spring' that Hagar was near, even if she was in the desert. The flowers in the background almost look like tulips. They symbolize beauty that can also be found in hardship, pain or ordinariness, it is never lost or wasted, even if it seems on the outskirts. (like it is in the painting)

I felt that this past year was going to be full bloom, of flowers. And I think it was, yet not in the way I ever guessed or predicated or even expected. In most ways, it felt like a desert. I was in the desert. The well was dry and feeling empty, like I wrote. Burt God had other plans, just like for Hagar in the scripture. There is always hope, and if we take God's hand, he will lead us to springs of overflowing water. 

With Flowers

Lady with flowers. I decided to wear my tulip pants today, on my birthday. I would walk with tulips that I picked up from work that a teacher was giving away a bountiful of. I would carry this bouquet, mostly tulips to a few classes, and then put them in my car upon my lunch break. 

It felt like a symbol of hope, beauty, and inspiration. It felt like a little beauty was added to a dreary day and campus, just another day at work was suddenly brightened with holding flowers :). I even felt more feminine.

 I wanted to wear my pants that have tulips on them since it's a reminder of a new yeah ahead. Hope is alive and there is more to come- learning, growth, adventure, and most importantly following Christ and becoming holy. There's something special about being the same age as Jesus when he accomplished his mission on earth. 

Upon a little bit of research, tulips are symbols of new beginnings:)

Something New

 "Behold, I am making something new." -Isaiah 44:19

This scripture verse reminds me of 2020, so much growth and various new things and challenges. One of them included saying goodbye to Pastor Fr. Lawerence. That was sad and difficult during the beginning of the pandemic. But I didn't know I would be feeling enriched at another parish later that year, and by another pastor, Fr. Carl. And now he will be transitioned to another parish. God is always doing something new, even if we don't know it yet, it is happening. I can see that for myself these past 5 years. 

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As I was on my walk yesterday, I was looking at the greenery of the trees. Peeking inside them there was depth, branches, peacefulness, stillness and some darkness. Inside of this greenery it was hidden, until you stopped and looked closer. Upon the green shrubs were pine needles from the tree, green leaves and even cobwebs. 

It made me think, sometimes that happens to us. We don't appreciate or clear away the attitude of 'cobwebs' or 'ordinariness'. In this liturgical season of ordinary time, God is working, doing something. There is fruit, goodness, and beauty, though sometimes, you have to peek through to get more of a glimpse and appreciate that simplicity and stillness. 

Rental Cars Remind Me of My Uncle

 For the past week, I've been driving a rental car. My car has been in the shop getting repaired, and I've been driving what basically feels like a brand-new car, a very updated version of mine. The AC goes on quickly and is strong during these hot days, the safety features are really nice with screen display while backing out, as well as how many miles can go with gas tank, the audio and music system is convenient to use, and the driving is smooth and quiet. The bright blue color wasn't my favorite but have forgotten about the eclectic color. Though, the tinted window fade is something I wish my car had.

Why am I writing all about a new car, especially when I'm not really into cars? And, considering it's a short amount of time that I'm renting it. Well, driving this new, dare I say, even fancy car, reminds me of my uncle. Every time he visits, he drives a rental car, and usually his visits were/are in summertime. I've been thinking of him and particularly one summer a number of years ago now. 

It was the summer I had graduated high school and would be entering Junior College. He was driving my brother and me around, and we happened to either make a stop at a nearby church for Mass or something, since we were parked in the parking lot. I remember asking him what made him know he was called to be a religious brother. At the time, I found his answer to my question interesting, as I didn't fully understand it at the time. 

In a nutshell, I remember him saying back when he was late teens or early 20's he had had a girlfriend, but something didn't feel to be going right interiorly with him. He felt called more to pursue another path, which was religious life. I remember my 19-year-old self, trying to grapple with knowing a strong feeling, response or even push from God and what that would look like. I certainly hadn't encountered that (yet) in my own life. He was so sure, so certain about not continuing the relationship, or even marriage. 

I think it was around that same time, my brother took the bus with me on a summer afternoon, to help me figure out the route for my new school- one where I would be taking the bus to BART, and then from there picking up another bus on the back side of the BART station where the buses were. It was all new, a bit scary and daunting, but also exciting. It was nice to have my brother with me to help me figure out the logistics, and then from there, our uncle picked us up in his rental car from a bus stop, maybe to say goodbye, or before he had to leave. It was a summer of transition and anticipation of what was ahead, with new opportunities and entering a whole new season of college. 

Rental cars remind me of my uncle.

The (Dry) Well

 It started with a well. Last summer, I was on a road trip with my parents, and we saw various places and missions, one of them was San Luis Obispo Mission. As we were viewing the church and the grounds, I came across a prayer card to St. Joseph. There was just one near the door, and I happened to lose or misplace mine, perfect to find one I could use.

As I was walking outdoors to the grounds, I saw a well. It wasn't in use, but perhaps it was once before. It was pretty and interesting to look at and the plants nearby. I had a deep interior thought and confidence that if I prayed this prayer on the St. Joseph prayer card, I would land a job (which I was desperately searching for and needing). 

This well became a symbol throughout the whole school year, as eventually I did get a job after some responses back, interviews that the Holy Spirit led me to the right one. The school was called Wells, and I couldn't deny the symbolism from the Mission, but also what would succumb to this new season. 

It very often felt like I was digging in the 'well' and trying to be innovative with what I had and what was given to me. In my mind's eye, I thought a well had life, water and nutrients. The season or well, if you will, that I was in felt very dry, monotonous and challenging. The water wasn't overflowing and moving, but rather parched, still and stagnant. There was something wrong, where was the life, the nutrients, the refreshment?

Day in and day out in this job felt rather similar. Of course, there were better and more freeing days than others, yet it all was a learning and growing season. One of the moments of reflection with water and the well was when I would fill up my water bottle on campus. I would try to think of Jesus and the woman at the well. 

I think one of the growths was recognizing that though I was digging hard, finding life and nutrients in this well may have looked differently than I expected it to and may also come later on. Sometimes we see the fruit of various seasons, especially hard ones and appreciate them much more in the future and see more of the graces and what God was doing than in the moment. 

A dry well is a beautiful well, since that's when you really stop and look to see if there is water, and how deep do you need to go; how deep, and then life will spring forth on its own time. 

Last Day of School

 The papers from the large recycling bin were flying everywhere from the wind, as I walked across campus on the last day of school. It felt like God, the Holy Spirit guiding, leading the way, all the memories and hard parts being erased. All the papers, intentions scattered throughout the campus, and all the deeper thoughts, feelings, wishes, spread, let go, freedom. 

The Holy Spirit guided me to this job. I felt such a deep sense of peace, joy and reassurance. God had a way of folding this into His plan when part of my internship was here, and I felt it strongly, undeniably, painfully and saddened I was no longer at a school, with students. 

I've clung and held onto that experience whenever I would walk by that area on campus, outside the library in a hallway. Boy, how long ago that felt, but I sensed the Holy Spirit called me here for some reason. A reason that I myself am not fully sure, especially since it was a very, very long school year, hard in some nontypical ways. 

But I also see it looking back on this journey, that God led me back to the desires on my heart, to be at a school again and with students. It was nothing like my prior experience at a school, and I think that was one of the disappointments, where my expectations and assumptions weren't met. 

On that last day of school, I passed by one of the first people I encountered during that internship time. I was in this teacher's class for a few short months this school year, and he was the teacher who was available to help with a librarian's car battery. He was a science teacher, and I felt uncomfortable and not warm or friendly vibes while in his class. It felt like beginning and the end came together as we walked passed each other, and the papers kept flowing in the wind, and it was the start of a new chapter. 

Confirmation Mass and Memories

 Going to the Confirmation Mass for the teens I had been with for 2 years in their program brought me to so many places in my memory. It wasn't just the official sacrament for them and receiving the Holy Spirit, but I felt that I was recalling so many other occasions in this same church. 

Just 3 years ago, my brother and sister-in-law's wedding, a beautiful day and being part of the wedding part was special and busy. Thinking about all the times my sweet sister and I attended Sunday Mass there together, and sometimes going on outings afterwards-cafe, hiking, shopping or simply talking in the car and sharing out thoughts and feelings, our unique season in life. 

I also remember well the dear pastor who I would frequently go to Confession to and helped me in my prayer and spiritual life and was a deep comfort and source of spiritual fatherhood in those hard seasons. Also, sometimes the former young adult ministry would attend Mass there on Sundays and brunch afterwards. 

So many recollections, memories and even nostalgia, all part of my young adulthood journey. I even thought about my own Confirmation (though at a different parish)- choosing my saint name (St. Maria Goretti) and sponsor (one of my dear sisters.) And now, having been assisting with the Teen Confirmation program, it's been its own journey of guiding these teens, as well as learning along the way, yet truly being guided by the Holy Spirit. 

It was something I never considered helping out with before, however, Summer of 2023, I had a big desire on my heart to share my faith and help others in this way. I also helped volunteer once with my mom for boxing food with the church and it was in the same area as confirmation would be held- only 4 months later that I would be doing that, little did I know. 

There were many signs and praying for discernment when a call and opening came up to help out with this program, in a dry season, a difficult season. I'm so glad I listened and went through with it, even though I didn't know everything at the time, it worked out itself. God worked it out, and it was seamless. 

Morning Traffic, Morning Thoughts

 I was driving around the other day, not lost but rather stuck in heavy traffic. I would be late to work. I knew that, but honestly it felt like it didn't matter as I didn't do much in that first class, or much at all it seemed throughout the day, as most days I felt like I was just 'getting through it.' 

I wasn't panicking, but more just annoyed or even frustrated. I had attempted to wake up earlier in order to try to make it to confession that morning, but alas, the line was too long with not enough time for me, and I got there a little later than I had initially wanted. Drained, tired was already what I was feeling for the beginning of a new day, and not quite Friday. 

As I was getting off the freeway traffic, I stumbled upon side streets and the hills, and cars going every which way to work, trucks chugging through, and the hillsides, beauty and calm, peace. I prayed to my guardian angel to help me find a way back or beat the traffic somehow. I happened to see across the way my alma mater in the distance, my Junior College, and decided to go that way, into the side streets beaming with memories and former carefree and younger days that feel like ages ago now, like butter already melted and evaporated in a pan before the eggs crack open. 

Back on the freeway I went, and though this time there was still traffic that felt slow, it wasn't as slow as molasses in January. It continued only for a little while and then everything was clear. I guess I should have waited instead of taking time to get back on, I thought.

I felt that God was with me in that moment, like He always is. Taking care of everything, and knowing my true desires, frustrations and burnt-out feelings. Feeling more ready for the next season but also wondering what it will be like. Just like those hillsides, God is there, God is watching, and He instills peace and calm.