A Blessed Year in Review

 2025 was a good year. So many blessings, special things, graces and highlights. It was year unlike any other. Every year is so unique and different from the other, right? 2025 stood out to me, and also not as heavy or challenging like 2023 or 2024 seemed more consistently. There were definitely a lot of uplifting things. 

Some of the highlights-

Meeting author and speaker, Immaculee Ilibagiza! She's my favorite author. I love her writing and testimony and strong faith, in the rosary, and Our Lady. Her story is so moving, impactful. That why I've reread it so many times over the years. 

Watching The Chosen Season 5 in Theatres. Truly special and meaningful.

Welcoming another nephew and niece, both in May! 

Became a teacher at a Catholic school taught 20 students

Got a tutoring client

Did some of the Rosary in a Year Podcast

Studied and took the Math CBEST

Went on a Eucharistic Day retreat in June, and finding out and about and reading the book about Sr. Clare Crockett

Getting into my first minor car crash, and luckily it wasn't my fault and had a rental car for a little over a week

Went to some Young Adult Ministry events, and the Beloved Dinner in SF

Family Reunion

Had a special and meaningful birthday turning 33

Went to Monterey

Went to Half Moon Bay 3 times

Read some great books, about 56 books total

And many more happenings and blessings, Adoration, Mass, exercise, swimming, exercise class, meet ups with my dear sister on a somewhat regular basis, kept writing on here, studying Russian with an online language course, went on an online dating site and had 4 video calls with 4 different guys, sister meet up, friend meet ups, and so much more, in between, ordinary days, but blessed days, some harder days, struggles, sometimes staying off social media for a time. 

A Marian year it felt with rosaries, consecration to Our Lady again, wearing Marian jewelry made by my sister and teaching my students about Our Lady of Guadalupe, starting Rosary in a Year Podcast, and praying 54 Day Rosary Novena. I know our Lady will be guiding this next year.

 Happy New Year!

Handed Inspiration

 I did something a little different this year to find my word and saint of the year. Instead of using a generator, which was usually fun, unpredictable and exciting, upon further reflection and prayer I asked God to show me them. I was inspired by a core speaker at Blessed is She who has done it this way to find her word, saint and even verse of the year. 

I've found this way to be surprising, reflective, meaningful, purposeful and more intimately woven instead of clicking a button on a website. Sometimes that just felt more random than meaningful, but I do always enjoy trying to find the meaning each year. A few years ago, I had the word 'plucky' and though it seemed quite random, I reflected upon it more and did experience some hardships that year and had to learn to overcome them, encounter them and entrust them to the Lord.

This year, as I was listening to the advice of the speaker from Blessed is She, I reflected upon a bit and prayed for a saint for the new year...to show me a saint that maybe speaks or resonates with me, one that I know or do not know. Well, it happened to be St. John Paul II! He actually was my saint in 2021, but there were many reminders that spoke to me, he feels all around me.

 My dear sister gave me a book of his writings titled; 'God is beauty'. And my other sweet sister gifted me a booklet of his writing for Christmas. As I was reading the other night, 'God is beauty', I noticed there was another book I'm getting back into reading also about St. Pope John Paul II and Poland. Okay, I thought. Are there more signs? 

It's been near my bed for at least 6 years, a picture of him in the snow. I realized a book I took out of my bookshelf as I was organizing my many books (almost too many) the other day was a book by St. Pope John Paul II on the dignity and vocation of women, still have yet to read it.  A pouch that my mom gave me a while ago, I recently used for my rosaries. One side has St. Pope John the 23rd and the other side, you guessed it, St. Pope John Paul II! So many signs but feel he is my saint for this new year of 2026! 

As for my word, I also tried to reflect and pray, for God to show me a word. The other day in the morning, I washed my hands and upon seeing my fingernails- as I'm taking a break to paint them again, the word 'clean' came to me. This also spoke to me since I'm in the midst of a big project of cleaning my room- lots of organizing, declutter, and rearranging some things around. I'm also not naturally a clean or net person, so what a great goal and strive to live by. Also, some scripture verses to recall pertaining to clean that are good to reflect upon.

As for my verse of the year, I wasn't sure what it would be, as I feel I'm still getting more accustomed and knowledgeable to remember bible scripture. While listening to the priest's homily this morning, he talked about light and radiating Christ's light and His light guiding us. This made me think of the Psalm verse 119, 'Your word is a lamp for my feet.' That also made me think of the Bible Museum in Washington, DC that I visited with my sister's family summer of 2023, which is so meaningful and special, as it has that verse on a wall. 

So, there you have it!

Я учитель!- I am a Teacher

 In the beginning, I would think to myself, I am a teacher...but in Russian, for general use Я учитель or for female Я учительница. As I would unlock my classroom door in the mornings, I would look at my name listed outside- and see 'Teacher' right below it. I was still soaking it all in. 

I would think this to myself since I had to believe it and recall it. There is just something so special, distinctive, meaningful, so purposeful when you feel called to something, and are surer about it, trusting those steps, and that God is providing and with you every step of the way. It can be hard to fully express in words. And I think because it had taken so long for me. There were so many crooked lines to get here, that's why I would intentionally hold on tight to this milestone step that I'm here, especially after all the sinking doubts and hesitations. I now know that all that was behind me had a purpose to lead to where I am. 

So many people had told me I should be a teacher or that I would be a good teacher over time. Clearly, I never really listened to them. I had my mind and plans on another pathway plus was too scared to try. 

I distinctly remember going to the dentist in late February, and after paying for my appointment, something about coverage and insurance came up. I wasn't a teacher since she mentioned coverage for being a teacher, but said I was an assistant, (and luckily still had insurance coverage) and she waved her hand like it was nothing, and stated in a friendly matter of fact way, 'You're a teacher.' That struck me since it felt like a premonition.

Also, a boy student from Mrs. Deb's Math class that I was helping in last school year gave me a Christmas card and gift card to Peets. In his note, he said I was his favorite teacher and helped him work hard and do his best. Again, I wasn't a teacher, but it struck me, and also that I made a difference in a student's life. 

Teaching Ponderings

 I was looking through my journal last night prior to writing in it. I have a few different journals, but this one is my 'prayer' journal that I write in from time to time. There were things on my mind and heart I wanted to process through writing and praying, and the extent of the busyness and to dos of the week got to me, only did I realize towards the end of the week how things had caught up to me and added up.

 I can see more and more the intentionality behind Advent as a purposeful time to slow down but also to carve out space and quiet, to ponder and prepare for Christ's birth. The journal entry I wrote was one year ago, the last days of Advent. And it so happened to be the last day of school before break. I remember that was an interesting day- it was loud, chaotic, a half day but also just felt ready to close the semester out. I felt an uncertainty of what would come next but also a questioning of purpose and direction. I was thinking about teaching but wasn't quite there yet in terms of confidence and certainty. I felt there were waves in the water, and the waves gave way to motion, unknown, and slippering doubt just like St. Peter walking on water. 

It started with a conversation with my sister. There we were near her Christmas tree after her kids were settling down into bedtime. Teaching came up and knowing her background and story with it was interesting to hear her thoughts, opinions and real honesty and her struggles with it too. Somehow, I wasn't so certain if I would feel the same way or have the same experience.

Of course, I never really taught before- only managed a classroom for an after-school summer program after college for 3 months and that was one reason why I felt it wasn't a good fit for me. That had been 6 in a half years prior. And then also being in a classroom for the past 5 years, but more observing and in the background. 

While my sister and I were taking on her couch that cozy evening, I felt that the Holy Spirit gave me a nudge or something that was noticeable enough in my heart that maybe it wasn't a full no for teaching, but something that I would just have to be more open to. Yes, everyone has their own experience and journey, but I had to also know what mine would be like, since it may very well be different than my sister or other siblings. The thought could definitely terrify me, but staying far away from it didn't help me get any closer to knowing my answer. 

In my journal that night I wrote, "....Thinking a lot about my job and what's next- credential and teaching feels like a big question and Elisabeth is right, it's not the best fit for us as we're highly sensitive introverts, and its just so much work. I don't really know my calling, my vocational career. But I trust that you (Jesus) have a plan for me." 

Now looking back now this a year later, after finishing my first semester teaching and taking over for a teacher while on maternity leave really showed me God's provision and plan. To just taking one step at a time was all that was necessary in the waiting, in the unknown and dark and in the desires unfold and direction to become clearer. 

I am so grateful for this journey and be guided and listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. 

Saint and Word of the Year

 When I saw yesterday that today was December 7th, I instantly thought of the word, 'Fortitude', and also St. Ambrose, as it's his feast day today. He's my patron saint for this year, and my word for this year is fortitude. How often this word has crept up and shown itself throughout this year.

I'm thinking of a time during the early summer months when I went to confession and during some prayer time after I stumbled upon and read a reflection about St. Ambrose and it highlighted fortitude! I thought it was a unique and special intertwining, and especially one that I recall I needed that day. 

I wonder what word and saint will 'choose me' for this upcoming year?

New Things

 This week has been a transition. One of letting go, navigating emotions and change and also deep cleaning! The original teacher came back to her classroom as I am slowly making my way out after long term subbing for her since August. I don't think I've ever felt fully inspired in there, mostly because it was always getting disorganized, things disheveled, too much paper, scraps and messes to handle on top of my brain navigating, learning, and literally surviving day in and day out. Pure survival mode is what I would call it. 

I couldn't see a vision for how the classroom was supposed to look. It definitely resembled me and my messy side, my messy and artistic brain that isn't at all precise, neat or visionary. It somewhat worked for me though and made it through- though like I wrote, I didn't feel too inspired. I think I felt more inspired and encouraged teaching and leading a class most days than how the classroom looked itself.

So that's when the teacher was organizing, revamping, redecorating I saw things come together. It didn't look so much like a classroom to me, perhaps a homey and calm classroom feel (prior it didn't have a calming look or feel), but rather like a home- a Pinterest styled, nice decor homey, warm feel. I could finally breath again and come up from water. These were the touches I feel I was missing all these months of just survival mode and getting through the thick and thin and somedays figuring it out spot on. 

I will say it took some detachment and letting go on my end. Thoughts and conversations in my head, 'I'm sorry I messed it up. I know it looks really messy and cluttered. I ruined everything, I failed. I didn't do a good job maintaining a classroom. I wasn't efficient or a good teacher.'

All these negative feelings arising in my bones as she went through things, cleaned, tidied, threw things away with not thought. I on the other hand, can have a hard time letting things go, questioning should I keep something or better yet, forgetting it was even there in the first place and going on with life because I'm so used to it. 

I've realized my tolerance level is high, and though I've come to terms with this before in other scenarios, it isn't quite the same when you are in charge of a class. I felt conflicted like I couldn't put into words my emotions, feelings and just processing everything when it came to the evening time. I just needed to sit with them and enter into them though it was a bit uncomfortable. 

This week also felt like a lot on top of some of these transitions with feeling tired and having headaches a few times. Busy evening schedules going out and not a lot of down time. Once I received that text from a coworker, my emotions began to make more sense, and it all came together like a painting. I started to cry and wrap my head around things. Her text was exactly what I needed and was feeling, since it was difficult to put into words. Prayer, surrender, trust, processing started there and accepting some tired and puffy eyes the next morning. 

I've recently started to see how these events are very applicable and related to the season of Advent. Preparing, making space, letting go and detachments, accepting and being open to God's will and plan. I know God is using them for me to surrender, be open, letting go and to see his goodness and provision where there are transitions and change. 

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

St. Clare Mission

There's something beautiful, awe inspiring, breathtaking to visit a mission church. I had particularly wanted to visit this mission, St. Clare of Assisi for a few years, but somehow getting sick, rainy winter weather deterred the plan during one of my breaks and I forgot about it. However, it was still something I wanted to do and see at some point. My parents and I made the trip an excursion of historical sites as well as my dad grew up close to that area. It was special to visit my dad's parents grave site, and for the month of November. 

Going to St. Clare's Mission church was very nice. It is nicely kept up and renovated, elegant and with beautiful scenery- a water fountain, rose garden and on the heart of the Santa Clara University campus. What a joy and gift to have a mission and Jesus present right in the center of the campus.

Visting this beautiful mission and lush campus with nicely kept lawns, roses and flowers, and refreshing greenery made me want to learn more about St. Clare of Assisi. I remember reading a book about her a couple of years ago and want to find and read it again. It said in a pamphlet that it's the first Mission church named after a woman saint. 

It's always so interesting seeing inside a Mission and the intricacies, images, paintings, statues and also comparing it to other missions.  Immediately, I noticed it was a much bigger and longer church than other ones I've seen. I really liked the prayerful and sorrowful statue image of Jesus crucified, it looked more realistic and so much to ponder on and pray with. I couldn't take my eyes off of it. 'You did that for me, how can I not suffer for you- knowing you are with me, in this torturing and painful depiction on the cross.'

Relic of St. Bernadette

 I recently was thinking of St. Bernadette. I found a book to read about her that is even an easy read for older children. I found a prayer card dedicated to Our Lady of Lourdes in the church and started praying it for intentions.

 As I was reading through and looking through my quote and spiritual binder, I felt encouraged and inspired. I looked through the folder part with some loose paper and found a talk I wrote for high school confirmation students about fortitude and included St. Bernadette in my talk and found more information about her that the confirmation director gave to help with the talk. Fortitude happens to be my word for the year. 

I had realized that today I had planned to visit the relic of St. Bernadette. And I came to found that I had a devotion to her, though only knowing bits and pieces of her and her life. I really like Our Lady of Lourdes and often stop to pray and contemplate if I see a statue of her. I did the consecration to our Lady- 33 days to Morning Glory on Our Lady of Lourdes feast day, February 11th. 

It's interesting seeing a relic (I think 1st class), as there's not a lot of time, but also sometimes pressure or not sure what to pray, how to adore this sacred object. I remember kneeling before a first-class relic of St. Carlo Acutis with high school confirmation students 2 years ago, and it was so moving and powerful. 

With St. Bernadette's, I had a simple prayer in my mind and heart and touched my rosary bracelet from my dear sister that I wear everyday to the relic. I thought of St. Bernadette's simple demeanor and childlike optimism, strength, virtue and trust. 

According to the pamphlet I have, she only lived until she was 35.

Like I wrote, I love Our Lady of Lourdes and want to have a devotion to St. Bernadette as well. I think this is just the start. 

Taking a Coffee Break

 Entering into that cafe again filled my mind with memories like butterflies taking up the sky with their colorful flutters. That time of being stressed, overwhelmed, uncertain and anxious reentered that space for a bit. Spring rain, and cloudy weather interspersed with sunshine, blooms and later sunsets was once that time period, just roughly and a year in a half ago. 

When I would take a coffee break halfway through my work or going there for a bit before my work had helped since it was anxiety inducing, soul sucking and a small workplace. Those days, I felt like I was just getting by and surviving amidst the anxiety from a coworker, and stress and uncertainty and overwhelm with my master's program. 

That little cafe- with its coffee, treats (Croissants and Cheese Danish being my favorite) and ambiance was a nice break away from the storm. One time I went there before work, and instead of doing my assignments and writing, I desperately wanted to study language and do my own endeavors that felt more mentally relaxing and freeing. That time was a mental hurdle, to keep going, striving, and persevering.

Visiting there with my sister and nephew recently was special. It brought back that hard time, but also all the blessings- of having my sister as my dear friend and her support, all the graces and blessings I've received, and all the way God has helped me and has continued to unfold since then. This journey I've been on has had meaning and purpose. It makes more sense now, to be where I am now, as a teacher, working with students and really listening to the God given desire and gift I had once put off to the side. 

Freeing

 I've never felt freer that day. Though I was rushing and only realized until I was driving on the freeway that I didn't have my phone, I knew I would survive, but admittedly it felt odd to not look for something in my purse and check the time every so often or for updates. However, as the day progressed, I never felt freer. I didn't have to think about or focus so much on a screen, an extra distraction and reminder taking away oftentimes of living in the present, and of staying attentive to all the beautiful and good around me. 

It was a freedom I've never actually experienced, since I've never forgotten my phone before. Quite honestly, it's a freedom I haven't recalled since perhaps not having a phone or at least a smart phone 10 or more years ago. I thought perhaps I would have many things that I would need to check or missed once I got home, but rather the contrary and that made me think even more so about always having a phone tied to you.

Yesterday, I chose to turn off my phone which lasted for most of the day. I knew this would help me immensely with focusing on the things I need to get done and it did help me a lot on staying productive. It also quickly made me forget about it and just focus on the present.

While driving in the car, my phone was still turned off, and I didn't turn on the radio. Though it was tempting at times, it helped me to stay focused on the present moment, the beautiful Fall lighting, memories, thoughts and the golden leaves on the trees. 

What Happened on St. Pope John Paul II's Feast Day

 It was October 22. I knew what happened on this day last year. And I knew I had to talk to my class about the saint who's feast day it was, St. Pope John Paul II! 

Last year, I was in a hard place at a difficult school and environment. To help me create a little spiritual inspiration, I thought of a saint for each class period to help me pray to that saint and create more inspiration and prayer. For the first period class I was in, I chose St. Pope John Paul II to think of and intercede for me. Somehow, during the morning time while walking across campus, it always felt dull, dreary and uninspiring. I was mentally in a hard place transitioning to the school, and it didn't ever seem to get much better or easier. 

This feeling in the morning made me think of St. John Paul II working in unpleasant conditions during Nazi and Communist regime, him waking up in the early morning hours, the stillness, the prayerfulness, the suffering and sacrifice, and his small, loving family dwindling with sickness and death until it was only him. This sorrow in his early life, discernment, and deep prayer and spiritual life made it a little richer and easier for me. It created a sense of hope and purpose. 

One day, as I was walking across campus at the end of the day, I already was experiencing loneliness, with not a lot of people to connect with and talk to on a deeper level, yet desiring this, and noticing this ache, this gap. The person who I passed by at that moment was an employee I had seen before once or twice from a far. I wasn't sure if she was a teacher, but in my heart, I heard God say something like, I would become friends with her.

Just a few short weeks later, I heard that the teacher who taught in the first period class would be leaving for bereavement leave. She would be having a long-term sub for the rest of the school year, and the students would be meeting her tomorrow to get acquainted. 

The next day was October 22nd- the feast of St. Pope John Paul II and the long-term sub was the young woman I passed by that one day a few weeks ago. Her experience becoming a long-term sub teacher inspired me and gave me a sense of courage, realization and desire that maybe I could teach too. 

This year, for St. John Paul II's feast day, I told my students some stories and information about him for a few minutes. I even asked some questions to see what they may know. They were intrigued listening, right up until lunch time. I know he's been with me and interceded for me. He has done so much for the Catholic Church, our faith, and spiritual lives. I'm sure it won't be the last time I talk about him. 

Going Back to that Library

 It was my first time going back to that library after 2 years. I avoided it. I didn't want to relive unpleasant and difficult memories. When I was working as an intern there, I would deeply miss and crave helping students and working at a school. My heart longed for that once again. But no, I was here, stuck here- counting the weeks and hours like no tomorrow. Time would pass slowly, increasingly so. I would try to survive with prayers, offering up intentions, and forming my own inspiration for goals, ideas and books to read. 

While shelving children's books, I once saw a tutoring session happen in the quiet of the early Fall evening.  I was across the way, buried and burdened with putting away usually thin and one too many children's tales, adventures, animal stories, family and culture and all the rest of the categories I have long forgotten. I wish I could tutor again I thought in my head, hearing the session from across the way. 

So, last week was my first time coming back to that place- filled with memories of shelving books, not fully knowing what I was doing- but trying to look like I did, creating book display posters and doing the not so fun, meticulous task of finding the books in a squeaky, awkward cart. 

What's interesting is that I barely remember any of those memories now. They're not fresh and detailed in my brain like they used to or seem to matter as much as they did. They're locked up somewhere, with the key thrown away. Barely visible, barely important now, yet increasingly relevant and important to my story and what God has written. 

Last week I tutored there, and it felt so natural. I knew I was in the right place, doing what I've done for a while and what brings me life. Instead of shelving, organizing and displaying books with what sometimes felt like many eyes watching in the quiet sphere of the small library, I was reading words, reading books and stories with a girl whom I was tutoring. It all felt right. 

Rain and Picture Day

 It was a rainy day, but I liked it. It was a nice change from the heat, and it was really beginning to feel like Fall. The rain felt like God's grace pouring down as I needed it desperately. The day before was a mess and chaotic. I felt like I was hanging on by a thin thread, feeling discouraged, weighed down and stressed. I cried that night and didn't want to do anything but zone out and rest. I felt trapped in my own head of the intensity of a situation and demands.

That next morning, I felt totally different. I didn't even fully remember the day before. And it was school picture day. As I later saw my picture, I could tell maybe there was some sadness from the day before in my eyes. I also realized I looked a little older, comparing my other school photos. 

But with looking a little more mature comes only good things like growth, experience, wisdom that only God and life can bestow. I scrunched my hair as I took a shower that morning to start the day out fresh, and with long, wet hair, I'm not sure what to do with, especially on school picture day. Freshness, God's graces, a better attitude, and Fall rain were the components of that day. 

Sleeping on the Couch

 I slept so well on that couch. I would get ready for bed and read, learn Russian, pray, and then get settled into sleep with the backdrop of crickets and the peace and stillness of the night. I would think about what would be next for me. Where would my next job be? Where would I be teaching? How would it all work out, as there were only a few weeks left of the school year. That time in May was so busy and was in the thick of those few days helping out with my nephews and niece as my sister had her sweet baby boy. The rest of the month would have to go on until I would have something set in stone.

 It was August and school was almost starting. I woke up to the sounds of the house, niece babbling and walking around, nephews talking, playing, arguing, and my dear sister in the kitchen, baking, washing dishes, with baby in tow. I was visiting my sister and sleeping on my sister's couch again 3 months later and I remembered how I was feeling and going through at that time in May. There was still a lot to do and prepare for, but it was crazy to ponder upon all that had happened up until that point. From the questions and the unknown to the reality, busyness, a little uncertainty, yet also excitement of what was ahead. I truly felt like I was being prepared and equipped for it all. 

Teacher Life

I feel I've been in a mental fog. It can be hard to get out of it fully, as it takes time to decompress, rejuvenate and maybe even feel inspired. I've never fully known teacher life, only from a distance and sidelines, but one can't know it fully unless one does and experiences it for themselves. 

I've noticed how easy it is to feel overwhelmed, and preoccupied with so many things, to dos, figuring things out and learning as I go. It's an exciting time of growth, learning curves, busyness, and discernment. It's a time to feel stretched and maybe even at times uncomfortable or just merely exhausted, maybe discouraged and trying to keep things that are important for me still existing and lively. 

I hardly can even think about the past season- my job, my thoughts, struggles....though the times that I briefly do (even if a lot of it is a blur), it creates more gratitude for the season I am currently in. Discernment was huge last year and prayers were answered to be where I am now. I do remember feeling so bored, and mentally unstimulated which was challenging on the regular. 

I can't even think about a lot of things while in the classroom, there are so many things up front for my attention. Which in some ways is kind of nice- I'm busy, I'm serving, I'm thinking of others and doing important things, challenging things that require energy and a lot of patience.

Patience, this is something I want to work on. Generally, I believe I'm a pretty patient person but there are some (or many!) moments that really test me. I've been starting to think and realize Jesus is watching and seeing and loving me in those hard and exhausting moments. It helps to give me peace and encouragement. The days and moments where I feel that I am failing, I know I am doing my best. 

Today's Gospel reading and message was a wakeup call. Priorities, faith, prayer, relationship with God, evangelizing, all things I need to work on, as this is a busy season and prayer is even more crucial and essential. Trying to stay off screens, phone use to lessen and instead focus on God's goodness, presence and provision when I feel like I'm just surviving. 

Holly and New Year Fruition

 Just 8 months ago, my dear sister and I met up and celebrated the new year together by going to Mass and a nice cafe spot we hadn't tried before. It was an inspiring, refreshing and enjoyable time. We sat inside initially, the holiday bustle was beginning mid-morning with people coming in for their coffee, with family and friends, or their dogs. Winter coats, scarves, boots were galore powdered like snow with winter chill, caffeine and hopes and dreams in that coffee shop. (I'm actually looking forward to layering up again come Fall/Winter!) 

Her and I sat against a wall with pinkish colorful decor, and it looked like cherries or holly on some painted parts of the wall. It was still the Christmas season, but this stood out to me. I remember some of our conversation- before we moved outside, was about teaching. I was already thinking about it, an inkling about it, a stirring about it during that new year season. 

I later researched about this Christmas plant holly, and though there are different hidden meanings and symbols, the ones that stood out to me were related to Jesus with the crowning of thorns and his blood, and hope as well as endurance during the winter, as it's a festive Christmas plant. I later noticed that one of my sister's Christmas cards had holly depicted on it as decor with family photos that I've had up this year. And I've kept the fake holly plant my dear sister intwined with her delicious homemade cranberry bread she made for Christmas. 

I guess symbolically, I've depicted this plant with a future teaching job/career and facing my unknowns and fears. There is always anticipation and hope starting the new year, and today, my dear sister and I met up at this same cafe. And now, 8 months later- I am living out this plan, vision, even dream- I am teaching! It's cool and quite amazing having an idea, a hope, a discernment come into fruition. 

Appreciating Plants

 Upon entering the store, I noticed how instantly I felt inspired, and uplifted. I guess I hadn't experienced that in a while.  For pretty much the whole school year, I felt I was merely surviving and low on inspiration, encouragement and feeling uplifted sometimes more than others. It felt dry and a desperation for something more, I don't know- more meaning, fruitfulness, engagement, purpose to put into words. 

I noticed at this craft store, I felt creative and hopeful again, with a vision and purpose. Even just being around ideas, possibilities of creating brought his about. While my mom was in the fabric section, I noticed how many plants and greenery there were. I took it all in, in small, calm breaths and I noticed how deeply I felt deprived of seeing plants, of greenery, of life. 

The school I had worked at had very little trees and plants and the ones that were there were mostly on the perimeter of the school. Though late in spring, I became aware of trees right outside the main classroom I was in each day, and plants and flowers blooming after the rainy season. It felt like a small ray of hope, and life amidst the dreariness and hard parts some days. 

Now I see it as a God theme- with dryness, a dry well, life, and greenery forging- my classroom now is full of life- with the theme being plants and greenery, and some real plants as well, to lively and active students. 

This season feels very different than the last. I appreciate it so much more because of the one I was in and felt like a very long, hard one. I was more prepared for this one, its blessings, lessons, and many graces, and the story that only God could write and provide. It feels like entering into that craft store at the beginning of summer, everything in full bloom. 

Making It My Own

 I thought about this photo. When I first saw, it I didn't like it. It seemed random, unposed and not sure the motion with my hands. 

But that night was special, it had twinge of feeling interesting, formal, and youthful. I saw some familiar faces from afar and met some new ones. But I knew I would play to the beat of my own drum, therefore dancing when and for how long I wanted to dance, and not let the gals I went with influence if they weren't up for dancing. Honestly, that was the most enjoyable and memorable part (besides getting ready beforehand :)). 

I didn't care about sipping drinks and wine or looking like I was by holding a silver champagne glass. The photo booth was fun and fine, though it felt more meaningful with close friends or significant others, which I didn't have either of. So dancing was the best option, despite the sweat. 

The food was delicious too. Really rich and homemade lasagna that was classy (besides not having knives), and that tiramisu for dessert was mouthwatering and delectable. 

Now I like the photo of me, a quick snapshot- as there were photographers throughout the night. Now it makes me think of the enjoyable parts, getting ready and all dressed up, eating nice food, dancing, photos and mostly being true to myself, even if I wished I had a close friend or sister nearby to share it with. I made it my own. 

Notebook Writings

 As I looked out the window from the first period classroom, I would often get lost in thought. I wouldn't be busy, productive or merely super helpful, just passively so. A student here or there to talk to, to ask some questions of and walk around the classroom for the 10th time in 5 minutes it felt. There wasn't anything inspiring about that teacher's classroom for me besides the great view from the window in the morning.

The classroom was on the lower level, so no great heights or views, but looking out during the morning was a pretty and refreshing sight. There were lots of trees (not many trees inside the campus), the grass was dewy and the sunlight stroked the grass and pavement at a gentle and lovely angle. I wrote a little about nature in my notebook that I kept with me throughout the day, in case I had inspiring thoughts to jot down, reminders, lists to create, or also just to look somewhat busy. :0

Describing a rainy, wet morning

The soggy leaves drip with clear, cold dew, dripping with anticipation for the new day. The air is moist, fresh like New Year's Day, nothing can scorch it. There's a flavor that is hard to describe, it's full of new life, spring and bloom. The mornings are darker, but the evenings are filled with light. The day doesn't want to end, and the clouds and sun take the center stage. March can be peculiar with its heavy rain and wind, on the flip side there's heat, blue skies and roses, tulips and daffodils sprouting on the other side of the green grass. It's a special time. 

Hospitality

 I've been thinking about hospitality a lot recently. Last week's gospel reading spoke to me quite profoundly regarding hospitality and service among other important topics too like contemplative prayer, our God given gifts, and relationship with God.

Martha was comfortable enough to share how upset she was by voicing her frustration to Jesus in front of her sister Mary. She must have had a close relationship with Our Lord and have her sister know about it too. The main message to take away isn't so much to not be a doer like Martha, but to put into prayer what you are doing, create a deeper meaning with it. It's not solely actions but a conversation or prayer throughout with God.  It took me sometime to fully grasp and understand this gospel message.

This is important as it relates back to her sister, Mary who sits at Jesus' feet listening and soaking in his words. It also highlights Our Lady, who is connected with her son and in tune with his message and voice. 

This month of July has been pretty full and busy. I haven't had so much hosting, hospitality and service going on for nearly as long before, or at least in a long while. Let me say, it really stretches, grows and humbles you. It makes you think less of yourself, question a lot of things about your own vices- selfishness and self-centeredness and put them in God's hands more willingly. 

It can stretch you like a rubber band and invite you to plead for God's grace to intervene when the hard and exhausting parts come. It humbles you to ask for more cheerfulness and charity in your heart. I don't think you learn so much as hospitality; there's just something about service and hosting that pulls that not so good out of you like the wheat versus the weeds.

Between a big family reunion, my sister sick in the ER then hospital, helping take care of her two precious daughters alongside my parents, her husband and a few other family members who were still in town- it was a lot. I felt like I and we were carrying the other side of the cross that my sister was. A unique cross for an inopportune time, but fortunate enough to have more family around. The stress wasn't nearly as intense, and God knew what we could handle and juggle, even in the unknown. 

I look to my parents as great examples of hospitality, charity and forgoing their own wants for serving and helping the family's needs. That can be very hard to do, but its admirable and necessary. I need to be better at this, even in the exhaustion or feeling that things are on hold. I knew God was in control and would and (did!) give me all the graces to continue. 

This gospel message put things into light and just what I needed to hear, learn from and pray with.

St. Martha, Mary and Lazarus, pray for us (feast day July 29) 

Eating a Pickle

 This was my lunch on my birthday. And I ate the pickle. 

I actually never eat pickles and don't really like or prefer them. The only way I've actually eaten them is when they're sliced in a hamburger or sandwich perhaps.

I felt that eating a pickle is a good symbol for fortitude (my word for the year!) I guess eating a pickle can symbolize hope (like being in a pickle) but seeing a way forward. 

And with my tulip pants, and the quietish and special time of eating a (free) lunch with a gift card I hadn't used in a year, it was meaningful. With an extra birthday cookie in tow, I would save the sweetness for later. 

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3 things that stuck with me during my excursion:

1) It felt like I was having coffee with Jesus (well, not really, by with the empty seat across from me, I happily imagined for a moment Jesus there, and being with me at the start of 33rd year)

2) And with Panera bread, you know, it's like breaking bread together ;) 

3) And when I went to buy walking shoes at the mall, representing walking, following in His footsteps. How meaningful :)

Oh, Audrey

 

Roman Holiday movie

I've been interested in Audrey Hepburn movies and the actress herself since as long as I can remember. I was most likely since High School. My brother asked me once in one of his letters long ago, why I liked her so much? I couldn't really think of a great answer to explain, but that she's so classy, elegant and timeless, I feel. She passed away in the early 90's, but I still feel she is special and timeless to many people over the world.

Maybe she was just an actress to others, but I found her life and personality beyond the silver screen interesting, admirable, yet also quite hard, sad, disappointing but also hopeful. 

My same brother gifted me a book about her for my birthday- 10 years ago! I don't have the book anymore but remember it and the conversation we had. I explained how later in life she felt called to help out in some way, she became an ambassador for UNICEF. She loved children. 

On my birthday this year, I was reading a book about her. One I bought with an Amazon gift card later this spring. I found it so interesting, yet not quite surprising that my interest hadn't fully dissipated regarding Audrey. 

Some interests don't fade, quite the contrary. You simply come back to them, like there was no distance at all, only to smile to yourself about how much it speaks to you, and you haven't really changed at all. 

(Just like in Roman Holiday, where Audrey (Princess Ann) cuts her hair short, but she's still recognizable to a few, and a special one- she's still the same dainty, whimsical, adventurous, classy young lady). It's a film where I've also enjoyed, and one my sister and I a number of years ago would jokingly quote, 'Oh, so happy'.

Morning Face

 This is my face when I wake up. 

I didn't want to edit it since God sees us beyond the physical features that we don't always like. I woke up and was refreshed and happy for being 33. A new day, a new year just beginning. 

What will this year bring? Don't we always think of that- what God will surprise us with, in new and hard ways? 

I just want to think of the day as a total gift, to behold and savor. Not so much to think too much ahead. To plan, yes, but also to be in the present where God already is.

I feel such special and intimate joy to be the same age as Jesus was when he was crucified and died for our sins. Wow, that is something to savor and behold.

There are different themes, or symbols, if you will of this year that I came upon. 

The Holy Trinity feels like a big symbol form this year, talking numbers here, since 3 persons in 1. My age has a 3, and then when you divide the 3 with the other 3 it becomes 1. 'The One thing is Three'. 

I will teach 3rd grade at the beginning of the school year. :)

3 minus 3 is 0. I want to follow God and hold nothing or 0 back. 

3+3 is 6. What did 6 years ago look like? Discerning next steps before working at a high school and anticipating working in education still. Did a Southern American cooking class, ate at a Chicago style pizza place and prayed outside a Planned Parenthood facility with 40 days, wore a shirt I painted, and wrote on the paper plate I ate birthday cake from with a quote. 

What will 6 years from now look like?  Well, it doesn't matter right now. 

Bold. That's one of the words I took for this year. We'll see what God does with it, has in store, and the ideas I come up with along the way...

Hagar and Tulips

 This picture reminded me of Hagar, in the Old Testament.

Abram told Sarai: 'Your maid is in your power. Do to her whatever you please.' Sarai then abused her so much that Hagar ran away from her. The Lord's messenger found her by a spring in the wilderness, the spring on the road to Shur, and he asked, 'Hagar, maid of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?'' She answered, 'I am running away from my mistress, Sarai. But the Lord's messenger told her: 'Go back to your mistress and submit to her abusive treatment. I will make your descendants so numerous..." Genesis 16 6-11

It also reminds me of this year and what God had done and what God promises to do. Peace, restore, hope, lovingly invite and speak to. 

The water symbolizes to me this 'spring' that Hagar was near, even if she was in the desert. The flowers in the background almost look like tulips. They symbolize beauty that can also be found in hardship, pain or ordinariness, it is never lost or wasted, even if it seems on the outskirts. (like it is in the painting)

I felt that this past year was going to be full bloom, of flowers. And I think it was, yet not in the way I ever guessed or predicated or even expected. In most ways, it felt like a desert. I was in the desert. The well was dry and feeling empty, like I wrote. Burt God had other plans, just like for Hagar in the scripture. There is always hope, and if we take God's hand, he will lead us to springs of overflowing water. 

With Flowers

Lady with flowers. I decided to wear my tulip pants today, on my birthday. I would walk with tulips that I picked up from work that a teacher was giving away a bountiful of. I would carry this bouquet, mostly tulips to a few classes, and then put them in my car upon my lunch break. 

It felt like a symbol of hope, beauty, and inspiration. It felt like a little beauty was added to a dreary day and campus, just another day at work was suddenly brightened with holding flowers :). I even felt more feminine.

 I wanted to wear my pants that have tulips on them since it's a reminder of a new yeah ahead. Hope is alive and there is more to come- learning, growth, adventure, and most importantly following Christ and becoming holy. There's something special about being the same age as Jesus when he accomplished his mission on earth. 

Upon a little bit of research, tulips are symbols of new beginnings:)

Something New

 "Behold, I am making something new." -Isaiah 44:19

This scripture verse reminds me of 2020, so much growth and various new things and challenges. One of them included saying goodbye to Pastor Fr. Lawerence. That was sad and difficult during the beginning of the pandemic. But I didn't know I would be feeling enriched at another parish later that year, and by another pastor, Fr. Carl. And now he will be transitioned to another parish. God is always doing something new, even if we don't know it yet, it is happening. I can see that for myself these past 5 years. 

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As I was on my walk yesterday, I was looking at the greenery of the trees. Peeking inside them there was depth, branches, peacefulness, stillness and some darkness. Inside of this greenery it was hidden, until you stopped and looked closer. Upon the green shrubs were pine needles from the tree, green leaves and even cobwebs. 

It made me think, sometimes that happens to us. We don't appreciate or clear away the attitude of 'cobwebs' or 'ordinariness'. In this liturgical season of ordinary time, God is working, doing something. There is fruit, goodness, and beauty, though sometimes, you have to peek through to get more of a glimpse and appreciate that simplicity and stillness. 

Rental Cars Remind Me of My Uncle

 For the past week, I've been driving a rental car. My car has been in the shop getting repaired, and I've been driving what basically feels like a brand-new car, a very updated version of mine. The AC goes on quickly and is strong during these hot days, the safety features are really nice with screen display while backing out, as well as how many miles can go with gas tank, the audio and music system is convenient to use, and the driving is smooth and quiet. The bright blue color wasn't my favorite but have forgotten about the eclectic color. Though, the tinted window fade is something I wish my car had.

Why am I writing all about a new car, especially when I'm not really into cars? And, considering it's a short amount of time that I'm renting it. Well, driving this new, dare I say, even fancy car, reminds me of my uncle. Every time he visits, he drives a rental car, and usually his visits were/are in summertime. I've been thinking of him and particularly one summer a number of years ago now. 

It was the summer I had graduated high school and would be entering Junior College. He was driving my brother and me around, and we happened to either make a stop at a nearby church for Mass or something, since we were parked in the parking lot. I remember asking him what made him know he was called to be a religious brother. At the time, I found his answer to my question interesting, as I didn't fully understand it at the time. 

In a nutshell, I remember him saying back when he was late teens or early 20's he had had a girlfriend, but something didn't feel to be going right interiorly with him. He felt called more to pursue another path, which was religious life. I remember my 19-year-old self, trying to grapple with knowing a strong feeling, response or even push from God and what that would look like. I certainly hadn't encountered that (yet) in my own life. He was so sure, so certain about not continuing the relationship, or even marriage. 

I think it was around that same time, my brother took the bus with me on a summer afternoon, to help me figure out the route for my new school- one where I would be taking the bus to BART, and then from there picking up another bus on the back side of the BART station where the buses were. It was all new, a bit scary and daunting, but also exciting. It was nice to have my brother with me to help me figure out the logistics, and then from there, our uncle picked us up in his rental car from a bus stop, maybe to say goodbye, or before he had to leave. It was a summer of transition and anticipation of what was ahead, with new opportunities and entering a whole new season of college. 

Rental cars remind me of my uncle.

The (Dry) Well

 It started with a well. Last summer, I was on a road trip with my parents, and we saw various places and missions, one of them was San Luis Obispo Mission. As we were viewing the church and the grounds, I came across a prayer card to St. Joseph. There was just one near the door, and I happened to lose or misplace mine, perfect to find one I could use.

As I was walking outdoors to the grounds, I saw a well. It wasn't in use, but perhaps it was once before. It was pretty and interesting to look at and the plants nearby. I had a deep interior thought and confidence that if I prayed this prayer on the St. Joseph prayer card, I would land a job (which I was desperately searching for and needing). 

This well became a symbol throughout the whole school year, as eventually I did get a job after some responses back, interviews that the Holy Spirit led me to the right one. The school was called Wells, and I couldn't deny the symbolism from the Mission, but also what would succumb to this new season. 

It very often felt like I was digging in the 'well' and trying to be innovative with what I had and what was given to me. In my mind's eye, I thought a well had life, water and nutrients. The season or well, if you will, that I was in felt very dry, monotonous and challenging. The water wasn't overflowing and moving, but rather parched, still and stagnant. There was something wrong, where was the life, the nutrients, the refreshment?

Day in and day out in this job felt rather similar. Of course, there were better and more freeing days than others, yet it all was a learning and growing season. One of the moments of reflection with water and the well was when I would fill up my water bottle on campus. I would try to think of Jesus and the woman at the well. 

I think one of the growths was recognizing that though I was digging hard, finding life and nutrients in this well may have looked differently than I expected it to and may also come later on. Sometimes we see the fruit of various seasons, especially hard ones and appreciate them much more in the future and see more of the graces and what God was doing than in the moment. 

A dry well is a beautiful well, since that's when you really stop and look to see if there is water, and how deep do you need to go; how deep, and then life will spring forth on its own time. 

Last Day of School

 The papers from the large recycling bin were flying everywhere from the wind, as I walked across campus on the last day of school. It felt like God, the Holy Spirit guiding, leading the way, all the memories and hard parts being erased. All the papers, intentions scattered throughout the campus, and all the deeper thoughts, feelings, wishes, spread, let go, freedom. 

The Holy Spirit guided me to this job. I felt such a deep sense of peace, joy and reassurance. God had a way of folding this into His plan when part of my internship was here, and I felt it strongly, undeniably, painfully and saddened I was no longer at a school, with students. 

I've clung and held onto that experience whenever I would walk by that area on campus, outside the library in a hallway. Boy, how long ago that felt, but I sensed the Holy Spirit called me here for some reason. A reason that I myself am not fully sure, especially since it was a very, very long school year, hard in some nontypical ways. 

But I also see it looking back on this journey, that God led me back to the desires on my heart, to be at a school again and with students. It was nothing like my prior experience at a school, and I think that was one of the disappointments, where my expectations and assumptions weren't met. 

On that last day of school, I passed by one of the first people I encountered during that internship time. I was in this teacher's class for a few short months this school year, and he was the teacher who was available to help with a librarian's car battery. He was a science teacher, and I felt uncomfortable and not warm or friendly vibes while in his class. It felt like beginning and the end came together as we walked passed each other, and the papers kept flowing in the wind, and it was the start of a new chapter. 

Confirmation Mass and Memories

 Going to the Confirmation Mass for the teens I had been with for 2 years in their program brought me to so many places in my memory. It wasn't just the official sacrament for them and receiving the Holy Spirit, but I felt that I was recalling so many other occasions in this same church. 

Just 3 years ago, my brother and sister-in-law's wedding, a beautiful day and being part of the wedding part was special and busy. Thinking about all the times my sweet sister and I attended Sunday Mass there together, and sometimes going on outings afterwards-cafe, hiking, shopping or simply talking in the car and sharing out thoughts and feelings, our unique season in life. 

I also remember well the dear pastor who I would frequently go to Confession to and helped me in my prayer and spiritual life and was a deep comfort and source of spiritual fatherhood in those hard seasons. Also, sometimes the former young adult ministry would attend Mass there on Sundays and brunch afterwards. 

So many recollections, memories and even nostalgia, all part of my young adulthood journey. I even thought about my own Confirmation (though at a different parish)- choosing my saint name (St. Maria Goretti) and sponsor (one of my dear sisters.) And now, having been assisting with the Teen Confirmation program, it's been its own journey of guiding these teens, as well as learning along the way, yet truly being guided by the Holy Spirit. 

It was something I never considered helping out with before, however, Summer of 2023, I had a big desire on my heart to share my faith and help others in this way. I also helped volunteer once with my mom for boxing food with the church and it was in the same area as confirmation would be held- only 4 months later that I would be doing that, little did I know. 

There were many signs and praying for discernment when a call and opening came up to help out with this program, in a dry season, a difficult season. I'm so glad I listened and went through with it, even though I didn't know everything at the time, it worked out itself. God worked it out, and it was seamless. 

Morning Traffic, Morning Thoughts

 I was driving around the other day, not lost but rather stuck in heavy traffic. I would be late to work. I knew that, but honestly it felt like it didn't matter as I didn't do much in that first class, or much at all it seemed throughout the day, as most days I felt like I was just 'getting through it.' 

I wasn't panicking, but more just annoyed or even frustrated. I had attempted to wake up earlier in order to try to make it to confession that morning, but alas, the line was too long with not enough time for me, and I got there a little later than I had initially wanted. Drained, tired was already what I was feeling for the beginning of a new day, and not quite Friday. 

As I was getting off the freeway traffic, I stumbled upon side streets and the hills, and cars going every which way to work, trucks chugging through, and the hillsides, beauty and calm, peace. I prayed to my guardian angel to help me find a way back or beat the traffic somehow. I happened to see across the way my alma mater in the distance, my Junior College, and decided to go that way, into the side streets beaming with memories and former carefree and younger days that feel like ages ago now, like butter already melted and evaporated in a pan before the eggs crack open. 

Back on the freeway I went, and though this time there was still traffic that felt slow, it wasn't as slow as molasses in January. It continued only for a little while and then everything was clear. I guess I should have waited instead of taking time to get back on, I thought.

I felt that God was with me in that moment, like He always is. Taking care of everything, and knowing my true desires, frustrations and burnt-out feelings. Feeling more ready for the next season but also wondering what it will be like. Just like those hillsides, God is there, God is watching, and He instills peace and calm. 

Nothing Like Motherhood

 I can't help but think about a year ago, finishing out my program completely with my last class, assignments and blog post. I was at a Starbucks submitting my last pieces of writing, commenting- it all felt very surreal, somewhat bittersweet but also exciting. 

In that moment, my thoughts hadn't caught up yet. I knew Our Lady was watching over me, as I had finished on the feast day of Our Lady of Fatima. I had gotten sick, so couldn't finish out the last two days at my horrible job, but honestly, I felt it was God's protection. 

I'm also thinking about last week. But somehow, it feels like a blur in someways, and in others I'm just in awe. I'm in awe of motherhood and how much it takes energy wise, but also love, wisdom, planning, sacrifice, sacrifice, and some more sacrifice. These are just some of the words of how I can describe it. 

Last week, I was helping out with my sister's children. My mom and I were staying over and helping out while she was welcoming her baby boy. I realized the intensity of motherhood, the rewards, the giving, and the exhaustion in ways I haven't fully experienced before with my nieces and nephews. 

It was a gift to experience, and it put me in a whole other world and dimension. One so strong where I literally forgot about my outside life, it wasn't merely as important or busy. I would think of my dear sister and ask myself, how does she do it? Day after day? Now I can understand it better, the hard, the good, and enduring it throughout the day. The days can feel fast or long depending on various factors. I also thought of Our Lady and her motherhood to Jesus, and the different demands.

I felt blessed, the one where my niece and nephews feel comfortable with me, and comforting them in their time of pain, tiredness, tears, frustration, laughter, joy. My sweet nephew utterly distraught about hurting his small toe outside and comforting and consoling him to calm his cries and sobs down and talking him through it. Or when he woke up twice in 2 days in the middle of the early morning or night due to a nightmare. And in my exhaustion, just holding and rocking him and whispering comforting words, or saying a hail Mary or two. What sacrifice, but what beauty, to still a young child in their fears, and to know that God does the same for us. 

And holding and meeting my newest nephew for the first time was such a miracle, so special. He is so precious and adorable. There is just something so miraculous about holding a baby, a newborn. It feels as though time stops, and joy and wonder overflow. 

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I would hear the crickets in the dusk and nighttime. It felt like summer, the very hot days melting into the cool night sky. I could be still with my thoughts on the comfy couch if my sister and brother-in-law and where I would be sleeping each night. It was comfortable and I slept well. I wanted to write some of those nights, but I didn't have the mental capacity to sift through the day or describe, though I wanted to, not sure how to articulate. My inspiration was lower, but I would try again the next night. 

 But what I experienced was special, and looking back on the day felt bittersweet- another day over, even if it felt longer or quicker, we got through it, and to savor those precious moments and the intensity of some moments. A unique feeling all its own. I would read some books, do some Russian study for my language course, check my email. Another day was approaching, and I needed to be well rested, I thought, as I would hear the crickets singing outside the window. 

Taking Notice

 I was trying to focus and be in the present and look all around me and see beauty. Today, I noticed flowers. Something that may seem ordinary but so beautiful, especially in this blooming springtime. I think this noticing also comes with intentional noticing and gratitude. 

When our mind is preoccupied with many things, it's hard to see the good, and beautiful around us, no matter how simple. Gratitude comes in when we thank God for the wonderful gifts and blessings we have and immediately it shifts our mindset and focus to be more positive. 

That's what I was thinking of this morning, thanking God for making a way for me to work at a school again, with students, close to home and that big desire being met knowing I was meant to work here, even though it's been quite a challenging school year. 

Little things like this can really make a great start to the day. 

History class- Renaissance decor

Bright flowers on lunch break

Alter flowers after adoration

Crumbs From the Cake

 I was thinking about that time when I met up with my dear sister in February. It was President's Day, and it felt long overdue. I remember the morning to be kind of cloudy and gloomy. We went to a cake place, but also a cafe. I saw displays of these cakes and models of them on the wall. We also went to a nice brunch spot called 'Crumbs' a month later. We wanted to go there for a long time, but it was always crowded. 

It made me think, cakes are made up of crumbs. Life is made up of small moments. Friendship is made up of shared moments, laughter, vulnerability, conversation, time spent. And cakes are a symbol of celebration. It always feels like a celebration when we meetup, talk, share and are in one another's presence. 

Those cakes on the wall reminded me of goodness, joy, gratitude. In the moment, I didn't really feel like that as it was a challenging time and like a winter slump. 

I want to see more of the goodness around me and not just the crumbs that go by each day. 

Scripture and Gardens

 "So, you find in our Jesus a personality that's so unique. He acts the same way with you and me. When He doesn't answer our prayers, He lets us hunger a day. When He doesn't do what we desire, He lets us hunger a second day. And when we're dissatisfied with His will, He makes us wait a third day in hunger and thirst until the time comes when He decides He has to help us." - Mother Angelica

I was reading this book by Mother Angelica about the Bible and scripture. It was very eye opening, inspiring and enriching. It was a different way of looking at scripture, meditating, understanding and imagining. I 've learned that's what we have to do, imagine the scene as if you were there. 

I really like how Mother Angelica writes and asks these questions to ourselves and what we would be thinking and experiencing, forming this prayer, this closeness with Jesus, with the living word of God. 

I feel it's taken a back seat in my life. To be still, to really pray and be attentive to God's word. Somehow, the beginning of the Easter season you forget that it's the most beautiful, joyful, glorious time, or at least its aimed to be. That's where prayer and scripture come in, to go back into God's word, and more time -sifting through it. 

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I've been thinking of a garden. The vision of a garden came to me throughout Lent. When I would see flowers in a chapel, I would think of a garden and visiting Jesus among plants and flowers. 

When I was on a run sometime last week, I passed by a house that always reminds me of a garden. It has overflowed plants and some wildflowers in front, it looks unkept but mysterious. It has a gate that secures the walkway, definitely like a mysterious and glorious garden enclosed.

 I feel there are a number of scriptures that pertain to this.

And also relating to gardens, I hadn't realized or paid attention that Jesus was buried in a garden on Good Friday. I guess it makes sense since Mary Magdalen thought he was the gardener when she went to the tomb on Easter morning. 

And also, going back to the Garden of Eden where God formed Adam and Eve and the fall of humankind and then the Garden of Gethsemane where Jesus was in anguish and sweated blood on Holy Thursday. We can find God in a garden. St. Faustina in her diary mentions seeing Jesus while she is walking in a garden, so beautiful. Now with Easter joy, a garden of graces, and blessings, abundant with lilies.