Looking at Gratitude

 Thanksgiving. A word we use often, but a holiday that comes once a year. Thanksgiving, full of meaning, imbued with gratitude, receiving and reflection. A time to pause, to consider all that we have been given and blessed with. In the Mass, the word 'Eucharist' -Jesus' body, means Thanksgiving. 

I came to think of a card I received earlier this year- in response to a 'thanksgiving' message. The people (or person) from my internship meaning to thank me for my time at the library. The front of the card was decked out in fall decor, namely a shape of a leaf with orange glitter inside. I ended my internship in late Fall last year (early December), so it was fitting, even if I received the card a bit later once the new year had already started. 

It may seem strange to be thankful for something that was painful or hard. However, we can learn a lot about ourselves and grow in significant ways when this happens. Also, we can become closer to God and grow deeper in our faith. My internship was one of these times, and parts of this year too. 

I think of the year in a general sense, scanning the calendar year like a children's picture book. But what I miss are the details, it could be the colorful drawings, the characters, the humor, the main message, etc. I've done the same for this year of 2024. I've overlooked major pieces. The good, the many blessings and graces, the beautiful, glorious, funny, and inspired times; they're still there too, all wrapped up in God's book, God's story. I just need to remind myself of them a bit more, a bit longer.

And what helps with doing this is going through photos. This week, I 've been saving photos from this year and a few years past to eventually print out. That's when the beauty comes in full view of what happened, what has happened, and sheer proof of it. It could be simple like a beautiful flower, or a family photo or a milestone event like my Master's graduation. They are all big and purposeful in the eyes of God. 

There is something sweet that comes from crosses, in which God shows you not only a sense of personal or spiritual growth, but also a piece of His cross that becomes joy.

Mission San Juan Bautista in February

Right outside Mission San Buenaventura in July

Hunger Games

 It seems I associate this book with a certain time in my life. It comes back to me like a strong sense of smell hitting my olfactory bulb, yet it's my memory instead that has carved out Fall 2012 like a heart in a tree. I recall all the memories coming back to me of where I was, my schedule, and who I was friends with second year into Junior College. I had borrowed this book from a friend in student government, and it was all the rage. 

'The Hunger Games' is what I am referring to, and the students at my school are starting to read it so I'm reading it along with them. I've seen the movie of course when it came out but have forgotten some of the details. 

Upon reading this book again after a little over a decade, I recall what I learned from a spiritual talk I went to recently. One of the ways the evil one gets control, the speaker declared and has influence is through government. Think of Communism, Nazism, etc... These were all purely evil (do those words cancel each other out?). 

With the book, 'The Hunger Games', I realize even more so a corrupt and vicious government only seeking selfish gains, or worse, pure torture for its citizens speaks to this fact and nature of the fallen angel's influence. Of course, it's a work of fiction, but it questions the role of government and what is good entertainment versus entertainment to another's harm or worse, death. 

This book is entertaining, hooking you from the beginning, with a dystopian feel. Written in first person from the main character, Katniss' s perspective, she's also seen as a heroine, a rebel, a nonconformist to the rules of how future North America, now called Panem dictates and rules their citizens with the hunger games. I remember I had a classmate in Math that year who would always say the line from Hunger Games or write it at the end of her emails- 'May the odds be ever in your favor'.

Various things come back to me reading this book again. It's not a classic by any sense of the word, but it's picked to read for the students, and with it for me at least. wrapped up with all the things I've learned and grown all these years in between. 

God Saw It All

 Making a visit like we always do brings back our daily ritual from when we were in high school. Though the time spent at the old church that exudes peace, quiet, stirrings of young adult memories and Christmas Mass, and many rosaries is closer still. God saw that and was appreciative, even smiled. Reliving the old days, and even recent past years of going to a Starbucks, and not usually talking too much but working or reading, writing, or even consciously wondering deep down where our lives were headed and where God was calling us to on our paths. 

She would be working on her credential work or studying for tests, and I would be studying in my own way- languages, reading and jotting down notes, putting my thoughts and feelings down with the pen doing cursive like loops on the paper and having no rush at all.  

But this time, there were no distractions. No work to be done. No computers to block our view of each other or screens to indulge in. We were sitting in the exact same seats as we were on that dreary, wet March 2020, stumbling to grasp the news of Covid-19 and the ominous feeling of it all. I remember it well. All we had today though were the drinks in front of us, and the memories and the eagerness and desire to catch up in real life, and even go back a few months to get back on track.

What happened a few months ago? Did I ever tell you this?, or what I was feeling or going through?  Where to start when life seems to stop, or barely pause for its own breath, when you're trying to do the same with your sweet sister. Maybe, just maybe the baby in her womb could hear our breaths, time stop and just listen and talk, and laughs on repeat. 

Old Carpet, New Carpet

 The smell of the new carpet not only makes the room appear bigger but also feels fresh and clean. We haven't had new carpet since I was in middle school. I remember it was in summertime.

All we could see were the wooden floor and panels, as the old and weathered brown carpet peeled off its memories before the pink carpet was placed. It was like it was naked, and some of my sisters and I were dancing to John Mayer, and I could hear the wood creak a little. It was fun to dance on wood. 

Life was simple, it was either before or the summer after my oldest sister got married. We were listening to a CD my sisters had burned, and I don't know why John Mayer comes to mind, with specifically his lyrics, 'So much sacred in the month of June.' 

Now I look back and think about how that pinkish rose carpet has served us through all the events, holidays, gatherings, cat paws roaming and scratching, babies crawling and being changed, chats and conversation, listening and singing and piano playing. Surprise stains that wouldn't come off from Thanksgiving or Christmas meals, or muddy shoes.

 I walk in the door, and it smells fresh, and brand new. 

An Aroma of Memories

 I didn't know how to make coffee. I was thinking about this funny and interesting fact as I was making coffee 2 mornings ago. 

I remember I was working at a fast-food restaurant and working at the register. Someone asked for coffee, and I had to make it, but I didn't know how. I realized I wasn't taught how or it just was supposed to know how. I don't remember how long that man had to wait for his coffee, until perhaps someone else made it for him. It was awkward, it was cringe worthy, and like the job itself, it felt hard and unnatural for me in an endless noisy, busy, and crowded environment. 

Funny enough, I came back to that same workplace 2 evening s ago (the same day I was thinking about that coffee story) for a young adult social. I hadn't stepped into that place since I worked there, a little over 9 years ago! Of course, all the memories flooded back, but mostly remembering being the one on the other side of the counter taking orders and preparing drive-thru drinks. 

The true desires of my heart to work with students was present during those busy and anxiety inducing work shifts, but I learned so much about myself, and challenged myself in ways I wouldn't expect, that still come back to me all these years later, while enjoying a burger and some fries. :)

Pedicured Nails

 My pedicure has grown out extensively. It's been 5 months since my graduation from my Masters and getting my nails done, and so much has happened it feels.

Just like the paint getting off, and my nail's growth to make the pedicure no longer fresh and new, so too does that time of graduating feel distant. I remember walking up those steps to receive my diploma and so elated and joy filled that the day had finally come, and everything was officially over, and it was a new beginning. 

My program too feels quite distant, and I must admit, a blur. It was all pretty demanding, busy, and exhausting. So, to be honest, I don't think about it too much and am glad it's behind me. And in some ways, that feels normal. My life and schedule look and feel different and all the in between to get here now. 

The path didn't look clear or super simple, mostly hazy and uncertain of what was next. I felt that I was mostly in my head and doing what I had to do, but not fully preparing or wanting to for what was to come. My heart and intuition were telling me other things- of what I was naturally good and gifted at, and what gave me peace and joy. 

Listening to my inner self and voice wasn't easy though, since that came with critical thoughts and doubts from me. I had to trust and accept. The reality didn't make sense, but the past did and what worked and made sense to me, even if not to others was what I kept coming back to. 

So, I don't think about that time too much, yet my toenails remind me. And other memories can creep back up, yet still mostly a blur, a set time and season, realizations and growth. 

My Grandpa

 This past week was my late Uncle's birthday. This week also was when I received in the mail the memory book of my Grandpa that my dear sister created. I was so looking forward to seeing it.

It brought back some memories, but mostly it gave me more insight and knowledge into who he was, his life, his personality, his childhood, his hardships such as later in life losing his wife and living alone for 10+ years. Or working at the same company for nearly 40 years! 

My Grandpa had a lot of endurance and grit, that sometimes I think is lost these days. When things come too easy, and the various options we have compared to back then, people's values and motives are a lot different. 

I feel that my Grandpa had a heart of gold. He had so much fortitude and was a man of the highest caliber and character, par excellence. He practiced his faith and that's what kept him going in the later years of his life. He suffered loneliness, and health issues, but never wavered. I recall from memories and photos of him that he always had a smile on his face. 

His name meant 'God is my judge'. What a profound reminder and way to live your life- that only loving and living for God matters in the end. His life was a model of this. 

True Beauty

 Ever since I was in high school, I enjoyed watching make-up videos. Tutorials of someone doing their make-up step by step. I loved seeing the process, the technique and the 'transformation' of the look.  In our society, its common to associate make up with beauty. If you wear make-up it can highlight, emphasize your natural beauty. Sometimes of course, it can be too much make-up and hide one's natural beauty. 

But what happens when one doesn't wear make-up? Does it make them less beautiful? No. And sometimes even the contrary. I think of St. Mother Teresa, a joyful, selfless, delicate nun who radiates mercy, and is beautiful. No make-up. 

This past week I watched a video of a byzantine nun. She was wearing a simple, all black habit. She was so beautiful, radiant and joyful. She didn't need any make-up because for the love of God and others was not only showing her youthfulness but also her deep peace and evident interior and exterior beauty. 

This somewhat contrasted the week prior when I felt so burnt out mentally, that all I could do was use YouTube to help with mind numbing. It was interesting and therapeutic to watch make-up tutorials from actresses Eva Longoria and Hilary Duff, and how they do their make-up. But of course, they have the means to afford all the 'essentials', and in the end it makes them look quite perfect. 

And then it got me thinking, is that true and authentic beauty? To wear layers of make-up and false eye lashes? No, not at all. I think back to the Byzantine nun, Sister Natalia her name is, and it was so refreshing. It highlighted true beauty in an authentic, spiritual and deeper way. 

The Fall Glow 10 Years Ago

 I've briefly thought back to 10 years ago. I had just transferred to my university, and I was grappling with the newness. Everything felt so unfamiliar, and even uncomfortable of finding my way and adjustment like all students new to college or like me, as junior transfers. 

I remember walking far, quite far all the way across campus from a parking lot to my class. It was very spread out and somewhat hilly or bumpy, not what I was used to from my Junior College campus that I liked a lot. I felt like everything took so much time! To drive and put my car in second gear to go up the huge hill, to find a parking space, to park and then walk, then walk to my classes or back to the far away parking lot, drowning in my thoughts, my big adjustment, loneliness.

What kept me afloat and inspired was my Chinese language classes. I was determined to minor in the language and the teacher and seeing the progress made it fulfilling. It was step by step, like all language learning, but I had already learned the language for 9 months on my own prior to taking any classes. Even if it was niche with my smaller class sizes as the levels increased, it helped me make the campus, the experience and my time there more of my own.

The warm late summer and early fall heat I remember well, especially with the long walks across campus. Fall was already starting once the quarter started, and quickly looked and matured like Fall too, which I had a love hate relationship with. I love Fall and all the things surrounding it, but what cropped up most Fall seasons during this time was a darkness, a loneliness, hardship. Sometimes it felt that it went with the gloomy November days or the dark evenings and crisp, cloudy mornings. Life just felt hard, heavy even, and very solo. And normal and natural, there was a lot to figure out- people, friendships, major, jobs, the future. 

It wasn't solely language that helped and inspired me though, but most predominately my faith. It gave me comfort and reassurance throughout the harder and lonely parts. I only got stronger in myself, and tried to make the best of things I couldn't change like gaining a sense of community or even 1 or 2 good friends. 

I think about that time in 2014 only so often, and not very much at all. But sometimes I like to reminisce, and remember the past- in the ways I've grown and learned, and that time of crosses that felt present like the Indian summer heat pounding in my car or while walking on the pavement. 

Morning Hair Cut

'Do you want coffee or tea?' I had coffee, even if I didn't actually need it but the experience of having coffee with having my hair cut seemed nice and therapeutic. 

I started to reflect upon all that had happened since I had been here last, which was January. So much had happened! And almost a whole year has gone by- crazy to think. All the time since my hair had grown out and the seasons and schedules changed, and how I have grown in between. It was a new beginning with the whole year to anticipate and entering into a new job, a new semester. But also, each hair trim or cut in some small ways can feel like a fresh start.

'How's life?' As she asked in a nice and inviting tone, sometimes it's hard to know how to answer but I reflected and recalled to myself on all the months in between, all the growth, the hard parts and pain, the joys and accomplishments - the winter, spring, and summer, the pieces that make up 2024 thus far. 

The now Autumn feel in the air creates a newness all its own. Crisp mornings, spotted sunlight, crunchy leaves, orange and pumpkin obsession, and many things to be grateful for. 

 

Remembering St. Therese

 St. Therese of Lisieux's feast day was a few days ago. I kept her in mind throughout that whole day and realized that this year has been a 'St. Therese year'. Every time I look at my phone, I see an image of her, as my screen saver is her, with a shower of roses. When I got my new phone in January, I decided I wanted an image of her every time I use my phone.

Also, I would think of St. Therese often when I would walk into my job earlier this year. I would pray to her as my new job quickly became a bad job (or I already realized that before I even started working) and ask her for the graces to endure it.

St. Therese, I feel has been following me, even in little ways- hence her name, the little flower, and she is a Doctor of the Church and known for her little way. I wrote about that on one of my blog posts. Here is another blog post I wrote about St. Therese of Lisieux. 

I found a prayer card of her while looking around at a cute, catholic thrift store in Monterey and have since put it near my lamp stand so I see it every night and every morning. 

I recently read a book that was about St. Thérèse and her childhood, her suffering, hardships she endured and also later when she was a Carmelite nun. The book was quite informative and inspirational. The title is called The Context of Holiness. 

I've learned more about St. Therese through reading the above-mentioned book, as well as imagining what she would do in certain situations, such as how she would treat people she didn't particularly like (also mentioned in the book), her joy and cheerfulness, her love for God and her family. 

When I think of her, I want to be more like her in her holiness, her joy, her humility, and service. I also feel that she has 'chosen me', as the saying goes- the saint chooses the person. She was also the youngest girl in her family, sensitive, close to her mom (before her mom died when she was only 4 years old.)

On her feast day last Tuesday, I was thinking of some sort of sign to be reminded of her. Sure enough, in one of the classes I was helping in, I saw a boy wearing a shirt of a rose on it. And roses are also a symbol of her, as one of her names is the 'little flower', and in images and paintings she often holds roses. 

Also, when I went to stop by the chapel after work, outside I saw many roses in the garden- which I always do, but that day felt more special:) 

When I spent a little time in the chapel, I was reading a great book, Interior Freedom by Jacques Phillipe. And as I was reading, he was mentioning St. Therese of Lisieux! It was another perfect connection on her feast day.