A Sense of Comfort

I have known for a while that I am a comfort seeking person. I need comfort in my life to keep me unstressed, to know that everything will be okay, and to not loose my mental balance. Comfort in a listening ear, a reassuring word, a caring touch- these are some ways that comfort speaks to me and I'm sure many other people as well. But comfort shows up and speaks to me in other ways as well, perhaps even at a deeper and connecting type of way.

Just recently, I was thinking this whole comfort thing over and began to see a couple of different things that connected with me and helped reaffirm that I need things, ideas or people that I can connect with on a deeper level that give me this 'comfort.'

I read a book by an awesome priest writer, and this book was more like a journal. It had the day of the week and the date and a long or semi-short synopsis of his feelings, thoughts, observations like prayer words and thoughts that all spiraled and formed this book. This was the third spiritual reading book I have read by him, and I was impressed by his ways with words, descriptions of interior life whether that be issues, resolutions or a mix. Gliding through his entries made me feel more connected with myself since I know that I could connect with how described various things, and it consoled me and gave me a sense of comfort.

Yesterday, I was going through a new and favorite art and spiritual book I received from Christmas from my dear sister. It has beautiful pictures, paintings, reflections and psalms and the book is divided into the four seasons. I want to know, reflect upon and memorize more psalms and so I have been taking notes on the psalms listed. This book, its many artistic facets is inspiring and comforting to me, and helps me connect deeper with my faith.

Although I'm not a big bake lover, I enjoy watching others bake and the process, the art, the messiness, and the preciseness of it all. I wouldn't consider myself a great baker (yet). I quadruple check the ingredient servings, I shake while measuring salt, any sweet liquids and I'm as slow as a turtle. Maybe that's why I thoroughly enjoy watching the Great British Baking Show. Viewing bakers from all backgrounds who are British and see them in this non competitive like competition. The show is now down to the final three, and I've had my favorite ever since the beginning of the episode. I sensed that I could connect with her. Her demeanor, and personality made me not feel so alone in that I too could be like that- seem more shy or quiet or even hard on myself, to be fearless and believe in yourself.
 I find this talented baker, Ruby to keep things interesting; she really just knows how to be herself.  Even when things weren't going her way, she would admit it and try to appear calm and even if her result didn't look the best, she made it become the best since she made it her own. She is usually or almost always hard on herself and sometimes even surprises herself when she did a lot better than she thought and smiles big. I've been rooting for her to win and didn't want her to get off. Ruby gave me comfort with myself to keep pursuing my passions even if it's hard or I don't see any progress. It's inspiring to see her come this far and prove her talent on this baking show.

Candy is one of my students. Her personality can be bold, silly, loud, hardworking and attentive. Her English name is Candy and I can connect with her name because I like eating sweets. I enjoy teaching her English and being in her presence because she is naturally an interesting person. She can be high energy at times and go on tangents and she can also be really engaged and enjoy my lessons. She also loves to read and appears to be the non-conventional type. She'd rather read a book in her room than go to a Middle School dance. She likes to learn and has ambition to open her own business when she is older. Her Chinese name was the same as my Chinese name when I was in College and minoring in Chinese language. I know it's still a part of me because when her Mom calls her name, Menglin then I also look but soon realize she's no talking to me. I am not super neat or organized with my notes and lesson assignments, and she too finds random and out of order pages to take notes in her notebook. I feel a sense of comfort and reassurance about myself every time I am with Candy.

Lessons Tied Up in Bow

"Your greatest lessons in faith are often learned in the dark." This was the my spiritual quote of the day from yesterday that I read each day, and try to think about more in reflection. It got me thinking about all the times I spent alone in college and how they all felt lonely, painfully so. I felt in the dark, not sure where to go to feel more part of my college campus, more tied to the people, campus events or clubs. Or perhaps my major or minor which were incredibly small and difficult to create connections in. Yep, another day that I was alone, and headed again to the library to read my book, study language, and talk with my sister~ really anything that gave me some sort of energy or inspiration while inside my disconnected cocoon or library cubby.

I really did feel in the dark, not sure where to turn to make my situation and the perspective behind my situation better and so gloomy. I put myself out there in ways that were a little at a time, going to a Student Government Event, trying out the Newman Center, and the Toast Masters club. Even if I felt like I didn't succeed in these things because I wasn't receiving the results I had hoped I would, in hindsight, I feel that I did at least try and make an effort. I could have done more if I was brave enough, and stepped another ring outside my comfort circle, but I at least tested the waters.

My lessons that I learned in the moment were fuzzy and gray, and it was difficult to keep up hope. To me it was all trial and error over and over again. I felt like I had a 0% success rate. But again, looking back I think I really only succeeded because it made me stronger and learn how to persevere.

Last Spring, I read a really cool book about the Olympic Gold Medalist swimmer, Missy Franklin, written by her. There was a quote that I had to write down because it connected with me so much at the time and helped me with faith and seeking the good even in times of hardships and trials. "I am so happy you are going through such a challenging time, because that means God is going to do incredible things in your life, and he is working through you right now, in ways you cannot yet know." This was said by a man on a plane seated next to her after they had been talking. I resonated with this, and it gave me divine hope!

Another quote that awakened my memory of my trials that started to shine bright, positive light on them was a quote from a blogger and/artist whom I admire. "So much of what I share here was learned through seasons never affirmed by social media and joys and tears no one ever saw through little squares.  The truths we learn in secret will ultimately speak the loudest in public. Our stories are written in the mystery of God's faithful timing." I could deeply connect with what was voiced here. There were so many tears, frustrations, and uncertainties that pinned me down and got me down, and how much I have learned and gained from it all!

And finally, another quote from a favorite YouTube women empower-er speaker that also hit home for me. "I've heard many times about how God is always with me, but for some reason when she said this it stuck in college when I was painfully lonely...all the times where I just wanted someone to acknowledge my existence, to be important to someone, anyone. And it really is an incredible thing-God was always there. There has not been a moment when He has taken his gaze off me. God is right there with you. He is paying attention to you, noticing your every movement, walking with you whether you are in a season of painful loneliness or incredible joy. You are not alone. You are never alone."
Wow, all the days and times when I felt sooo alone and really just needed some consolation, connection, something , and I had it all with me since God has never left me, and was with me in all those times. All those times, and he continues to still be there for me. What a great lesson.