The Internal World

Our inner selves are a mystery. We cannot see them but it can shape our being and our decisions as well as influence the world around us. Our hearts, our minds, our souls are internal and play a big role in our lives, our thoughts, our personalities, our creativity and our spiritual lives. As I mentioned in a former post, last month was no walk in the park. I felt and was suffering internally and with the annoyances of job situations as well as the unknown and uncertainties of everything. The sky was gloomy and I felt like it too. I didn't know that my TB would be positive as well as my blood test. With going back and forth for health paperwork, I became so exhausted, frustrated and impatient with how everything was unfolding. I had to get a chest x-ray and I was very relieved and happy to find out that there were no issues with my lungs. Now I know that I was exposed to some form of TB and grateful at least for the time being that it hasn't taken over my internal organs, and can look to the saints who had and died because of TB~ Blessed pier Giorgio Frassati, Saint Therese of Lisieux and Saint Gemma Galgani to name a few.

What a surprise, and I felt that I was bombarded with surprises from God. I thought, 'Wow God you are really pushing me out of my comfort zone and how uncomfortable it is, and didn't you know that I dislike surprises?' But as I am learning, God is always shaping us and wanting us to mold into who he wants us to be and being and always staying comfortable isn't one of them. As I was to go into the health clinic once again, (which felt like the 15th time in the past 6 weeks) I ran into an old friend whom I lost touch with a few years back. Another surprise that literally jolted me inside and feeling unprepared for the day let alone unprepared for a surprise appearance made it very difficult to continue living in the present and living in peace. My heart knew more than my head how to respond and sometimes there aren't any words just a deep intuitive feeling about everything.

I was surprised with yet another experience, and not my favorite which pertains to health. I learned that I need to cut my sugar levels low and beyond low than I imagined was necessary. I've always been the sweet tooth and can relate with others who are fond of sweets and desserts. I've never seen myself as a health nut and never appreciated those that were proud of it but in my own sense I've learned to become one because I have to and I want to care about my diet more and overall be more aware of what I'm eating. Luckily, it's been easier than I thought it would be and find that it's a habit like most things. Another internal mystery that I would have never really known.

I can't help but associate the internal with the spiritual and the Sacrament of Confession. It is a very healing and transforming sacrament and experience. It's worth the long waits in line or feeling nervous and it's a plus if you go to a great priest. After going to confession, my car didn't start. I knew it was having some trouble but it was inconsistent. I felt healed and cleansed internally but clearly my car had internal issues and would be parked at the church for some time which is a better place than most places to not have your car working. Very luckily, my dear brother-in-law was able to figure out the problem and fix it and show me how as well.

One of my favorite priests at a local parish says the most reverent Masses, and his messages and peaceful and prayerful presence stay with me. Last week while saying a Mass, he accidentally dropped the host after the consecration and I could sense that something happened. He gave an anecdote about falling and sliding before celebrating a qinceanera and how all the people there were laughing at him. He was in a lot of pain and with a lot of strength got up and said to them 'It's okay, you can keep laughing. I'm sure when Jesus fell people were laughing at him.' And then he said how the people listening started to cry instead. He related this back to how Jesus fell on the floor when he accidentally dropped him and how we all fall because of sin in our own lives but Jesus redeems and lifts us up. Wow, I really loved his connection and although we cannot see Jesus, He is there present in the Host and He spiritually feeds us. What another great internal and spiritual mystery!

Our internal being reveals a part of ourselves that the external cannot, it has its own. I feel that I have learned more my interior in various facets, and to not disregard it but continuing listening and respecting it. God speaks to us in many ways. I think a main way for me is through my intuition and my internal self, so I should continuing trusting in that.