Empowered By Wounds

I have known this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt for a while in its abbreviated form, "You must do the thing you think you cannot do." I have it on my bedroom wall, and I discussed it with some students of mine at one of my former jobs. It was relevant to me 2 years ago when I graduated from College as those were difficult and trying years, and it felt so rewarding to be able to relate with her quote, "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself; I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along... You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

 June 10th, 2017 was the day I graduated from my University and June 10th, 2019 was the day I proved enough courage, conviction and honesty. I was most afraid of leaving my job because it was scary to come to terms with what I actually thought and my true feelings. It was nerve wracking to articulate what I felt and believed and others know about it. It was scary because it wasn't part of the plan, my plan that I had for myself. I thought and dreamed that I would stay here for a year or more to gain enough experience and exposure and enjoy it and love it. Boy was I wrong. It was nothing close to how I imagined it to be. God threw another curve ball my way, and it was up to me to have the courage to face the reality and be okay and at peace about it. He was leading me in another direction that I hadn't anticipated or expected. I resonated with Eleanor Roosevelt's famous quote again, but in a new way I hadn't experienced before.

Throughout the few months I was at this job, I was able and lucky enough to go to daily mass before work. That was a huge blessing for me because I was battling so much when I entered those doors to my job and when I entered and they closed loudly behind me, I felt locked in for the day and needing all the help from God, Mary, the saints and my guardian angel. I would look at the cross, Jesus crucified while at Mass and feel I could connect in some ways to his sufferings and passion. My heart felt heavy in many moments before, while and even after work and many times from different people by feeling judged, persecuted and treated poorly for whatever reason. It made my heart ache. I only wanted and tried to unite this to Jesus and his pierced and sacred heart.

 I would often think of how I could be of service through my hands, feet and spirit. My hands and feet were in constant motion from wiping tables, handing out snack, changing diapers, playing soccer and basketball with the children, coloring and drawing for them, and rubbing their foreheads and backs in order for them to rest, relax and fall asleep. Some of these tasks made me reflect upon and even miss what my former schedule looked like. Wiping and cleaning tables reminded me of volunteering for senior citizens and serving them their lunches and cleaning up tables. Driving to work made me reflect on and miss my days as an ESL tutor because of the similar route to work, but also because of how fulfilled, useful, and happy I was and what a contrast it was for me.

I was very grateful to have spent quality time with my dear niece this past week while visiting us. I would have been working and tired and mostly unavailable but because I left my job when I did, I was able to enjoy this special time with her. My sister got sick for a few days last week and going through her own sufferings, and unknowns and I was able to attend to her needs. While massaging her hands and feet to help her relax, I couldn't help but realize that I was also attending to Jesus and his wounds in his hands and feet, and it brought me to tears.

This time of figuring out the next step, the road to take whether it be to stay on the one I'm already on or take the fork in the road has been interesting. I've also had to deal with my fair share of unknowns as well as healing from a painful and roller coaster experience. I've looked to what my heart, mind and intuition have been telling me as well as my real interest and passion. I am feeling a lot more at peace, excited and reassured for the next step and just trusting that God and the Holy Spirit will continue to guide and lead me on the way to where I'm meant to be.