A Reminder From the Fish

This year has had an interesting start. It's already shared its own growing pains, discernment, and deeper thoughts. Contemplating my younger brother who didn't live after a day of being born due to his own health complications has got me thinking about him more, as his birthday and death date come around in the next month. I think about how his presence in my life would have changed me, strengthened me, renewed me and shaped me in different ways that I can't fully imagine or comprehend. Working with students with their own special needs on varying levels and seeing other students around campus with higher needs makes me think of him, who is my little brother, my angel, and my family's guide when looking to heaven, for he is guiding us all.

There have been many thoughts also as to where's the next step for me. It's an interesting place to be of not sure where the road ahead leads and which one to take if that. There are options, ideas, hopes, and sometimes a blank space, an empty canvas. I can focus a lot on the present, but when I look to the future I become scared and unsure, and not always wanting to think about it. But looking towards it forces me to plan ahead, and create something, and become invested and excited.

While in college as well as post-grad, there has been plenty of room and experiences for innovation and making something my own. At times I can feel like a pro of attempting or trying to entertain and preoccupy myself since it didn't always feel like there were many options, or options that peaked my interest. There's been a lot of solo journeys, mostly inside my head as to how to make a situation better. These almost 3 years of post-grad have taught me a lot as well as similar but also very different from what my own experiences in college did.

 One of the similar things from college and now is my high interest and passion is for international related things. I still am curious, interested and wanting to keep up my language learning and studies, as I have branched out from my Chinese studies in college. My major and main focus was international studies, and this still interests me today, whether it be historical, geographical, cultural, or even economical; my mind and my heart still move towards this, still pawing and researching for more. More books based on it, a news article or clip, a language book, a book about someone experiencing language or culture immersion, or learning from someone going abroad themselves for various reasons and learning and gaining a whole new experience, vantage point, and many other things in the process.

With all of these thoughts, reflections and discernments on my heart, I can continue to put full hope, and trust in God's guidance and hand in all things, for he puts the stirrings on my heart, desires I never knew I had but prayed for. He has a plan that is beautiful, wonderful, completely in his hands, his timing, and in his way.

I have yet to learn Sign language (another language:)), and want to converse with a dear friend of mine and also know it is very useful. On Sunday, I will (finally) take a jewelry making class with my tow dear sisters. I have wanted for a long time to learn how to make my own jewelry and wear it. :) I also have yet to get back into water color, and make my own stationary. There have been various to-do lists in my head, whether small or big to accomplish and check off or enjoy and rejuvenate while in the process.

While babysitting my sweet nephew last weekend, we went to a near by lake area and saw the nice fish with different colors swim around. My nephew was so intrigued by them, and I was too. It's not common I see fish, let alone big and bright colored ones like some of those. I rarely cook fish, but maybe more now once Lent starts up. As this blog of mine depicts fish in the name, (and the main roots and foundations of how and why this blog started in the first place relate to some thing mentioned earlier), I couldn't help but think what it means reflecting back on those fish that my nephew and I saw together. The metaphor that I give it here on this blog gives me a sense of encouragement and hope to not doubt or become dreary but to continue 'swimming' and seeking that inspiration, enlightenment, and joy even amidst the pain, unknowns and suffering. So, that's what I will continue to try and do, as this season has its own lessons to learn, along with the helpful reminder of the fish, and of course, with the grace of God.