A New Appreciation

Today was the first daily Mass since March. It felt surreal, almost like walking into the past but with a shed of light on the future since no one wore face masks 3 plus months ago. The pastor was so welcoming and friendly, it was encouraging and uplifting. The lights were on in the church and it was inspiring. For many weeks on end this church had been dim or nearly dark, silent, yet peaceful and serene.

There were some really hard days and weeks for me these past 3 months, and the highlight of my day was driving to this church, and getting out of the house. It felt like the walls were caving in and I needed to do something about it. Taking a drive, seeing new scenery and reflecting on past memories along the roads was helpful, but the solitude and reassuring peace inside the church was what I really needed. To sit, kneel and be in the presence of our Lord.

I started to miss the busyness of my schedule, and the days when my mind was actively stimulated and distracted on the students and the world of school around me. I liked the openness of the schedule surrounding me but some days it felt like I would be drowning and it flooded the depths around me. The reassuring part was that I knew I wasn't the only one going through these challenging times, and I only wish things could be like they used to with libraries and cafes open, Masses starting up again and having family, friends and social events back to normal. I wouldn't mind the openness then, but God was teaching me and all of us a lesson in the process, and still is!

There is strength and grace in the waiting, unknown and mundane. When every day can feel the same or blend into one there's a challenge to make things light and fun. There's a challenge to get innovative and creative again and try to forget about all of the bigger questions. However, there has been so much growth in this waiting process, internal, spiritual, mental, emotional and letting go of what I want and how things should look. Letting go of thinking that we are in control of what should happen next in this whole process.

I'm looking forward to Masses returning to a new normal and living out our faith and spirituality in this beautiful and important way. March 15 was the last Mass I attended right before the shut down and shelter in place. It was a melancholic day, a reflective day. It was eerily the 'Ides of March' as Shakespeare says and it felt like the start of everything. I was emotional and sad that a wonderful priest was being transferred soon amidst all the unknown and changes ahead. He was a comforting presence, a spiritual Father and the comfort of it all was being taken from the rug beneath me and I missed his gentle, soft spoken yet strong leadership qualities.

It was the last time going to a Starbucks with my sweet sister and soaking up the unknown with a warm drink, Arabic notes and books stacked, and a notebook and a pen to write with. People in the cafe didn't know what to anticipate either and it felt like something was right around the corner, a blind corner that no one could see or fully anticipate but still trying to enjoy the moment. I wouldn't see my school, co workers or students again, hear their voices or talk with them, laugh with them or congratulate them. I wouldn't open the classroom up again to see all the various faces and brimming personalities about to bubble over, or hear their smart jokes or wise teenager ways. I didn't know I would miss it so much, and see all the growth it gave me then and now.

I remember a couple summers ago, my dear sister and I went to a daily Mass together, and she had an interesting point that I remembered today. She said to pretend like its your last Mass you will attend, dress well and be reverent, focused since you never know when it will be. I couldn't think of how relevant that was looking back. I feel like its a point for reflection to not take it for granted, and going back to that same church brought me back to remember to not take it for granted, and to be joyful, hopeful, and grateful; It's time to be, and the waiting is nearly over.

Rainy day, early April

Love these trees when they bloom!