Flashbacks That Don't Fade

 I recently had a flashback. At first it was subtle and I didn't think much of putting words down on paper, but just letting it sift through my mind and then disappear like most flashbacks do. But then just yesterday, a similar flashback occurred that was stronger and much clearer. It was almost vivid where I can remember the feeling of things, words, emotions, and experiences. I looked around for my notebook diary later, the one that I wrote in during that time that was actually more like a prayer journal, and I knew I had to write about it. The memories and flashbacks from 2010!

It started with celebrating my sweet sister's birthday yesterday (2 days early) at her new apartment. And watching the light hearted rom-com 'Leap Year'. I wouldn't think that this movie would bring back so many memories and start up again this 'flashback'. But a little over 10 years ago, I turned 18 and watched this  movie, enjoying it and thinking it clever. I think my older brother liked parts of it (and the main character reminded me of him):), but my younger brother didn't like it at all, and couldn't understand why I would want to see it again just a week or two later when my dear sisters were home to share in the laughs. I also remember my younger brother and I had quite a lot of arguments, and bickering with one another during this time.

The summer was slowly turning into Fall that year and transitions would be happening, again. The Fall before was very difficult and painful with all 3 of my older sisters moving out in the same week, amidst the changes and adjustments with my little brother, academically hard classes, the daunting responsibilities of being President for a club, and feeling lonely and the weight of it all. I knew that it would look different arriving into my Senior year of HS, but still didn't know what to expect. And perhaps some pressure of making it a great year, with activities, opportunities, friends,ect... I was used to having my own room after my sister moved out for college, so the freedom of decorating it and designing if how I liked wasn't as new or weird for me. 

The summer was somewhat busy with helping out with my oldest sisters day camp in Santa Maria, and staying with her, my brother-in-law and cute niece. I remember my brother-in-law drove me from the half way point all the way to Santa Maria for my sister's camp and mentioning what I might like to study in college or where I'd like to go for school. I didn't have much of an opinion, but somehow Math was on my mind since I did really well Junior year, liked my teacher a lot and felt really proud in how well I did, and actually enjoyed equations, numbers. That obviously quickly changed. Words, writing, books and the English world would continue to captivate and interest me.  There was also planning for the other Catholic girls camp I would help out with each year and the excitement and enjoyment of seeing all my friends and contacts again was pure summer, and a big reward from a whole school year of long awaited reconnecting. 

In early August, my sister had a great idea of making a road trip of visiting our cousin in Ashland, Oregon. We had some childhood memories in Ashland and in parts of Oregon and many, many with our only girl cousin, and it had been a while. That trip with the 4 of us sisters up to the 10 hour or so drive was fun, exciting, exhausting, and a weekend to remember, now 10 years later!

Throughout this time, I would write letters with my dear older brother Matthew. He knew I was in Santa Maria for a week so he wrote me a letter sent there where I was staying. My dear sister moved back to SF come August or early September, and I knew the hard parts would start all over again. With a newness to the school year, figuring out recurring friendships, and knowing 2 friends of mine would be moving away was hard and uncertain. I can't remember all the details, but I interviewed and got a job at IHOP and it was an exciting start but also a very daunting one, it being my first 'real' job. And with the demands of harder classes, since I was also taking challenging classes like AP Psychology, Civics, and Anatomy. It was a nerve racking new role of going to work after school and also studying for quizzes, tests and accomplishing assignments. 

What also brought a flashback to me was wearing earrings yesterday that my dear sister gave to me for my birthday 10 years ago, and I wore them to a homecoming dance. And the dress was one she shopped for and got for me. :)

That first semester felt like a learning curve. I visited my dear sister in SF but I regret I should have made more of an effort for other visits. Taking public transit by myself was also a new and somewhat scary thing. But I remember when I visited her, it was a lot of fun, seeing her nicely decorated room and living space, going to the Opus Dei center, and talking late into the night- mentioning the club at school I used to have and feeling pressure restarting it, and loving her new hair do with her blunt bangs, and just sister soul talk. I missed her at home but visiting her quaint and cute place felt almost as homey in my heart. 

Like I mentioned, I was writing letters to my older brother who I looked up to a lot and the friendship and bond we had was so special, comforting, a treasure. The letters cheered me up when I was having hard days, or just when I needed a friend, a connection, or a guy's perspective. I still have kept these letters as I find them really interesting and special to look back on, reminiscence the old days and what was going on in our lives. 

I remember I always looked forward to family visiting to bring a little brightness, comfort and excitement. Things were shifting and it was always really nice to hear about my siblings' lives as they looked so different from mine. Their presence was a piece of home that once was, but it was always really hard when one or multiple of them left after a weekend or a holiday function. I always felt like I was left behind, I couldn't relate, couldn't be part of it after they left. I recall many tears, sadness and emotional struggle as the transition was so hard and trying to be inspired or look forward to things was challenging initially. 

Looking back, I can see all these growing pains, experiences as so unique, and special. Peeking into the views of my high school mind, and now working at a high school is very interesting! Sometimes I don't feel too different in the ways I think or do things, but overall have learned, gained, and experienced so much this past decade. As the well known author Sandra Cisneros foretells in her short story 'Eleven' that's written about which some of the students I work with are reading ,..."Even though you continue to age, you bring along the past with you. The past experiences of the younger you is still a part of your personality even as you get older." 

What will be next? What will the next 5, 10 years look like? In all honesty I have no idea and would never thought all that happened would and where I am today. Life can be full of surprises, and God is the master of it all. May He continue to lead me by the hand.