Drawing Upon Reflection

 I can't help but reflect upon this year of 2020, and this liturgical year by going back to my writing. Flipping through pages of written prayer and reflections, uncertainty, doubts, hopes, desires, pain and sufferings have all been very real this year. But looking back, even just from a few months ago or a few weeks ago have been beautiful to see the discernment, shifts, transitions and pain as well as hope and trust. I will share some prayer entries that stood out to me in this crazy and interesting year. 

(January 8th) You have a beautiful plan ...even if I don't know it or can't see it fully, it unfolds, just like the seasons...

(March 29th) ...I don't know about my summer plans or what these months ahead will look like, but speaking with you, loving you, trusting and hoping in you will be enough...

(August 30th) ...There is so much I don't know about the future and what road I am on. But I ask and trust that you are continually guiding me and working in my life. I am continually learning about myself, my desires, needs, expectations, priorities ect... Every decision, every step, every day is leading somewhere and you will be the one to show me what it is and what it will look like.

(September 2) There is so much going on in my heart, my mind with things feeling and looking different. There are also lots of questions about what's next, how long?...You are with me, and haven't abandoned me . And you know what's ahead though I can't see it. I just need to have faith, trust, hope, and confidence in the process, even when its hard, boring, dull or maybe too predictable. ....I think whatever will happen, whatever it is, perhaps I'm just not ready for it. 

(September 14) Guide your daughter to where you want her to go. ...I don't know what's ahead nor my plans. Help me to be patient with myself, and trust in your beautiful and loving plan. 

And upon reflection of this years goals I made for myself, some things I checked off and did while others I wasn't even close to accomplishing or starting. It was an idea I had that was perhaps vague and how interesting it is to see this year unfold and develop as I develop and grow with it. 

This list brought me to other pages in this big, blue notebook from last year. I recalled notes I took for a blog post while at Starbucks and jotting down ideas and thoughts for it while enjoying the music and writing down lyrics of the song. I came across that song today, trying to find it and the memories flooded back to me, with tears running. Already at the time in February, things were hard and were new in their own sense. It's hard to believe all that this year has brought and a lot of brings forth pain and deep melancholy but also deep faith. 

To end with two quotes I came across that were uplifting while perusing through this notebook. 

"The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring. " Isaiah 58:11

"Never doubt God's mighty power to work in you and accomplish all this. He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for his miraculous power constantly energizes you." Ephesians 3:20

Cultivating Meaning

"Like a canary's, the best sings are learned in darkness...In darkness it learns the song until its heart is so full of it that it never forgets." - Fulton J Sheen 

I came across this quote in my notebook from last year, quoting a wonderful book I read from Venerable Fulton J Sheen. It was something I had recently thought about, about this time, these past weeks and months of growing, of doing the same thing, of routine, silence, and stillness and sometimes pain and sorrow, joy, lightness and gratitude. 

What stays true is that I know I've changed, grown, and been shaped by these months of transition from  witnessing my sister move away and start her career, meeting and saying goodbye to my dear nephew and God son and attending his funeral service 4 months ago today, having Santiago go back home after a month of taking care of him, to the bitter unknown of what lied ahead in terms of my job, my schedule, and ultimately my plan and purpose. So much of this all and more was wrapped inside tightly in my head and on my heart, sometimes so close that only God knew all that I was thinking and feeling. 

Being inside a classroom that was once full of life, noise, chatter, movement and coming and goings have long faded out and I'm not so focused on it anymore. The nostalgia of once was isn't resting so close, but rather the changes, adjustments and questions have formulated within me as the new sound, structure and focus of these past weeks and months. Some days have been rather heavy and hard, dull and plain like an empty wall. Its when things become harder or uncertain that the time drifts and lags like thick fog, but the days when I entrust more to the Lord and give all of these things to Him then it becomes more light, bearable, and enjoyable as things are clear. There is a well of peace.

Even if on the outside things have appeared to look the same and perhaps few to little changes, I know that that isn't the whole picture. There's something deeper that is being revealed in its own time, in His time. And day by day, as we take steps He is revealing His plan to us closer and more fully. 

Being alone molds you and has a way of revealing more of who you are. Coming back to campus in mid August and now leaving for Thanksgiving Break, there has been a story all in between, so much has been written, revealed, endured. Its had its own share of meaning, value and purpose even if many days were as far way as the moon to feeling like it. 

And that's what I find most beautiful, that God continues to write His story in our lives even when nothing feels changed, different or certain. The 'same old, 'same old' as they say rings true and predictability takes full swing. However, the beauty isn't always easy to see until you really focus in, contemplate and become present to the moment. Then the beauty and clarity is revealed when you have a bird's eye view and look at the picture down below. Just like that canary, what we learn in the darkness is usually the most clear, and the most profound in meaning. 

Within this classroom, I have been changed and formed, shaped as well as tested in faith, hope, trust, joy, perseverance, humor, purpose, and peace. Who would have thought it would be where these virtues would be more learned, and strengthened? It's where all these former memories and experiences lie and showcase a former self, a different perspective and circumstance. 

Thinking about this upcoming Thanksgiving Break was a bit daunting. I remember last year feeling so ready and excited for it, but this year feels different. Though upon reflection, I know I need this change of pace, scenery, and a refocus of appreciation and gratitude for all that's ahead, for all that's been. And for all the growth, pain and faith that has taken place. There is a deep gratitude, an awareness amidst the darkness and stillness and it has turned into something new. 

Reflecting Upon This Time

 This time of year brings with it its own reflective thinking. This month of November is dedicated to the Holy Souls and with the late Fall it comes to mind death and what's to come, and what really matters. Thinking about my dear nephew who is a little saint in heaven close with God makes me reflect upon what the ultimate goal of life is. Hearing a priest give a homily and mentioning a young man who recently converted and reconciled with the faith and received the sacraments and being diagnosed with cancer, made me also reflect upon the meaning of life and never fully knowing when it will be our last. 

The bright and colored leaves hang like jewels and are a reminder of God's presence, of his beauty. I feel there has been so much time for thought, for contemplation of how this year has been, and all that has happened and changed, transitioned from one season to the next. I notice how we are always changing, and God is continually molding us to where we are meant to be, and who He calls us to be. 

Rereading the book titled 'Chiara Portrillo Corbello: A Witness to Joy', has been really awe inspiring in her story, in their story and in their mission of what God has called for them. Through their suffering, unknowns, pain, loss, joy, struggles and peace God used it all for His glory. And its so true for our lives and witness as well. It reminds me of the prayer I pray each night to now saints Zelie and Louis Martin, the parents of St. Therese of Lisieux. Their witness was very similar, one of suffering and crosses, sorrow and pain, hope, peace, and joy in saying yes to God's plan. 

Last Sunday's Gospel reading was about the ten virgins awaiting the bridegroom. 5 were wise and 5 were foolish and the ones who were wise were prepared with their oil and flasks to meet the bridegroom. I had to think about this message, portraying it's message of light, of perseverance, and of wisdom. It's all very relevant as we come to the ending of this liturgical year and enter and welcome a new one. 

Today's Gospel reading is about the talents and using, sharing them for God's glory. It's the fear that puts the servant with one talent to shame, and the fear of the Lord for the other servants to share and use their gifts wisely. Maybe the gifts that God is giving us and perhaps asking us to share are ones of trust, patience, perseverance, suffering and hardship, so that we can share our wisdom with others, our witness for the greater glory of God. 

Parable of the Ten Virgins

The same priest read a beautiful prayer by St. Ignatius of Loyola, and I couldn't help but think of my dear nephew resting in God's arms named after St. Ignatius. 

                                                                    Dearest Lord, 

                                           teach me to be generous ; teach me to serve you as you deserve; 

                                              to give and not to count the cost,

                                             to fight and not to heed the wounds, to toil and not to seek for rest, 

                                            to labor and not to ask for reward

                                             save that of knowing I am doing your will. 

I recall another beautiful reflection I wrote down from St. Charles Borromeo, whose feast day was earlier this month that struck out to me in its truth and beauty. This reminds me of Chiara's story of surrender, to the 'greater treasure' and bearing fruit. 

"Have your eye continually on the providence of God, thinking that nothing comes about without his will and that good is drawn out of everything. Take care to be grateful to God for his many benefits, recognizing them, thanking him and living well in order to show our gratitude ...Know and recall that there is no greater wealth and treasure, nothing more excellent and fruitful, than to love God and serve him, and that everything else passes like smoke and  shadow."  

A Sweet Sound

 "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."- Eleanor Roosevelt

I came across this quote in a small inspirational book my sister had. I immediately wrote it down in my notebook, and felt this quote and a few others I kept were so compelling, and motivational. It reminded me of my sweet sister's journey of reaching her goals, her mission, her calling of teaching. As I was perusing through this little book, she was lesson planning for the week ahead with all of her papers surrounding her, the table a teacher's space of to do's, a warm latte that spoke of a Sunday morning with light music playing in the background. 

This quote also remined me of my own dreams. Eleanor Roosevelt calls it beauty, but for me, somedays, it wasn't very beautiful. It can feel like a wave of the unknown, something that feels like it could be on the horizon, yet it's hazy and unclear like a smoky, dry day. There's potential, but it's not felt or always fully desired, but somewhere it's very much present, though not always seen. I am grateful that I don't feel or sense that I am in that boat anymore. The season of discernment can be a blessing, its own time of unique discovery, but it carries its own intimate pain that can be difficult to describe and put into words. 

Seeing my sister and all she had to go through, endure and experience to get to where she is now is  encouraging, powerful, beautiful and makes all the sacrifices and painful moments worth it, and I'm so proud to witness it all! Listening to the light background music, like my favorite, Lord Huron had a quiet reassurance of what's to come, what's ahead. It's the kind of music that has followed me and been with me through the deep, lonely times, ones of isolation, of interior solitude and dryness, of running in the peaceful twilight evenings, and driving over the hill to campus or the long drive back in the mystical dusk with the city lights' glimmer of promise. 

And this was how my sweet sister and I described this favorite music of ours, mystical, romantic, imaginative. It brings back memories for us when we would drive together and know of our favorite songs. She played her favorite in the car as we drove to the beach with her affectionate boyfriend listening to the tune and enjoying the folk and mysterious vibe as well as the deeper meaning. 

With the deep Autumn sun glistening through the window and the beauty of the landscapes passing by, the mystical sound of Lord Huron brought me to a new time of hope, of looking ahead, and appreciating the moment. Holding tightly these memories and this special time with my sweet sister, her sweet man in her life, embracing a new chapter, and beautiful scenery that brought me life, breath, a sure sense of peace and joy that only God can give.