Cultivating Meaning

"Like a canary's, the best sings are learned in darkness...In darkness it learns the song until its heart is so full of it that it never forgets." - Fulton J Sheen 

I came across this quote in my notebook from last year, quoting a wonderful book I read from Venerable Fulton J Sheen. It was something I had recently thought about, about this time, these past weeks and months of growing, of doing the same thing, of routine, silence, and stillness and sometimes pain and sorrow, joy, lightness and gratitude. 

What stays true is that I know I've changed, grown, and been shaped by these months of transition from  witnessing my sister move away and start her career, meeting and saying goodbye to my dear nephew and God son and attending his funeral service 4 months ago today, having Santiago go back home after a month of taking care of him, to the bitter unknown of what lied ahead in terms of my job, my schedule, and ultimately my plan and purpose. So much of this all and more was wrapped inside tightly in my head and on my heart, sometimes so close that only God knew all that I was thinking and feeling. 

Being inside a classroom that was once full of life, noise, chatter, movement and coming and goings have long faded out and I'm not so focused on it anymore. The nostalgia of once was isn't resting so close, but rather the changes, adjustments and questions have formulated within me as the new sound, structure and focus of these past weeks and months. Some days have been rather heavy and hard, dull and plain like an empty wall. Its when things become harder or uncertain that the time drifts and lags like thick fog, but the days when I entrust more to the Lord and give all of these things to Him then it becomes more light, bearable, and enjoyable as things are clear. There is a well of peace.

Even if on the outside things have appeared to look the same and perhaps few to little changes, I know that that isn't the whole picture. There's something deeper that is being revealed in its own time, in His time. And day by day, as we take steps He is revealing His plan to us closer and more fully. 

Being alone molds you and has a way of revealing more of who you are. Coming back to campus in mid August and now leaving for Thanksgiving Break, there has been a story all in between, so much has been written, revealed, endured. Its had its own share of meaning, value and purpose even if many days were as far way as the moon to feeling like it. 

And that's what I find most beautiful, that God continues to write His story in our lives even when nothing feels changed, different or certain. The 'same old, 'same old' as they say rings true and predictability takes full swing. However, the beauty isn't always easy to see until you really focus in, contemplate and become present to the moment. Then the beauty and clarity is revealed when you have a bird's eye view and look at the picture down below. Just like that canary, what we learn in the darkness is usually the most clear, and the most profound in meaning. 

Within this classroom, I have been changed and formed, shaped as well as tested in faith, hope, trust, joy, perseverance, humor, purpose, and peace. Who would have thought it would be where these virtues would be more learned, and strengthened? It's where all these former memories and experiences lie and showcase a former self, a different perspective and circumstance. 

Thinking about this upcoming Thanksgiving Break was a bit daunting. I remember last year feeling so ready and excited for it, but this year feels different. Though upon reflection, I know I need this change of pace, scenery, and a refocus of appreciation and gratitude for all that's ahead, for all that's been. And for all the growth, pain and faith that has taken place. There is a deep gratitude, an awareness amidst the darkness and stillness and it has turned into something new.