Notes From This Year

 "Be like a flower, survive the rain but use it to grow."

This quote was on a card that one of my dear sisters wrote to me back in July. I feel this quote is a really great summary and moto for this year of 2020, so much learning and growth that brings about fruit and maturity. This card had a magnolia flower on it, one of my favorites. And this card was full of beautiful, heartfelt and melancholy words after the passing of my sister's dear son, Ignacio, my nephew and God son. Reading it brought tears to my eyes, as well as hope and a sense of purpose. As my sister wrote, "It's a beautiful reminder that God is writing our story with each day that passes, He is making a beautiful work of art with the story of our lives." And I can see that more and more as these months and year have passed by. God is continually at work and most close and working in the dark and in the mundane and uncertain times.

"Of all the blessings sisterhood can bestow, I think the greatest is to be known, really known."

I read this quote while opening up the precious card my sweet sister gave to me right before her move in mid August. Her move to a new place, away from me and our time and memories and on to a new endeavor and adventure. It was a busy time for her seeing with packing and transitioning while my world felt very much the same and non busy, hardly any movement at all. But there was so much movement and transitions internally, in my heart. Seeing her leave was just one of them and what started a whole new chapter of change and growth for me. 

Her card was one of pure friendship and companionship, one we experienced together through thick and thin, good days, meh and blah days, really hard and challenging, melancholy blues, to joys, laughter, tears, frustrations, pain and inside jokes. I felt it was all meshed in her notes to me, and I knew I wouldn't be able to take it all in until after her move, until her big room of memories was empty and it was just me. I was surprised with how smooth the transition was for me and for her, and she agreed. But I recalled the bible verse that helped me transition and remember this new experience, "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born" Isaiah 66:9-14. 

God made it so apparent and seamless for her to enter into her new path, and God made it clear that I was going through my own growing pains and own journey. I stepped into it not feeling much different, but its the waves of life and the storms of past memories and misses and nostalgia that made it a lot more real. She wrote, "Also, this is a very new journey for both of us, and through it, you will be growing in new ways-all of which God has already seen and already knows about. I think God has some very intimate things to say to you as you embark on a new journey of growth, and a new journey of trust..."

In April, I had really awful sleep insomnia and fear. I felt off with myself, my sleep and on a verge of depression. It was Easter time, yet with the newness and strangeness of the Pandemic and strict orders as well as not working for my job at the time, it was very heavy and very hard. It lasted for a month and it was a nightly struggle of being able to fall asleep or stay asleep. There was a inner fear that ran through me like a river and would creep up when it turned evening, one of my favorite times of day yet at times I felt the anxiety approach. 

Another loving sister of mine wrote me a card, a beautiful card with Our Lady depicting the feast of Pentecost. And with it a note inside, a prayer to Our Lady of Good Health for my sleep, and also a book in the mail, 'Searching for and Maintaining Peace'. I believe it was my sister's prayers, the healing touch of Our Lady and some good humor that helped me sleep soundly and peacefully through the night, the first night in a month. It felt so powerful, and the next night and so forth were the same. So much joy and gratitude to continue on getting the rest, reassurance and peace I desperately needed. My sister wrote, "I'm praying good sleep returns to you and you grow stronger through this time of trial."

 In March, right before the shelter in place took effect, I visited my dear sister and that same day she asked me to be the God mother of her son, who was forming and growing in her womb, a pure gift and plan that God knew all along. She gave me a precious card with the words, 'Because I know you'll love me, Because I know you'll care, Because I know you'll always be there.' These words have struck me also as a sign of my dear nephew and God son interceding and watching us, caring for our needs and our striving for heaven. 

It's been 6 months since my birthday, and it feels like it's been such a long time with the ongoing Pandemic but also with my own growth, realizations, prayers, and discernments. I admit that it's been quite hard, but so much growth and goodness from the hard and painful parts. This year has really shown us so much that we could not have ever anticipated, hoped for or wanted, but God has allowed it for the time being.

Just like today being the feast of St. Stephen, the first martyr, unprecedented or unwanted events that lead to his death but ultimately allowed for him to die for his faith and love for Christ. The turn of events came out to be that much greater and better as well as with the persecutor of St. Stephen, Saul, who had a conversion and change of heart and later became St. Paul. 

I am continuing to reflect upon this topsy turvy, challenging, growing and interior year with its many blessings as well. May God continue to bless all of it. Merry Christmas!