An Inner Light

 Today. I feel like I need to write it out because it has been a wonderful transition from the past few days of feeling low in spirits, and heavy feelings inside. I woke up early today, planning to see the sky just before sunrise and go to early Mass. I needed to start the day out right, on a light and joyful note. 

Going to Mass so early in the morning brought me back to Fall and Winter days, the cold, dark, crisp and eerily foggy mornings. Sometimes it would feel like the short days, and dark drawl would never end. Waking up this morning felt different, the sky was starting to lighten and the sun was away from the clouds. There was a pleasantness to it all, and suddenly my heart felt lighter. I woke up from a vivid and interesting dream, and part of what I remember had to do with me trying to speak Arabic.

 I thought and prayed to St. Anthony of Padua before I went to bed, having me wake up rested for early Mass, and sure enough I did. Even though my skin felt tight, and my eyes were puffy from yesterday, I felt ready for the day. I got to Mass a few minutes after it started, and later on I looked up and saw the stain glass image of St. Anthony of Padua to my upper left, and I was grateful he helped me wake up this morning.

I read the beautiful and peaceful excerpt of the Magnificat from St. Mother Teresa. And upon opening my old new notebook for work, I came across the prayer from her that I wrote down in that notebook a couple of years ago, written in Albanian and translated into English. It goes like, 'Life is one opportunity, benefit from it...life is a challenge, face it...life is sorrow, overcome it...life is love, enjoy it.' I remember I was interested in learning Albanian, but only for a few days! ha I'm currently reading her book of letters and about her spiritual darkness, 'Come Be My Light'.  I had to get a coffee after Mass because I was starting to feel tired, and sleepy. A busy Starbucks in the early morning, but nice to have something hot and sweet before work. 

And working on my assignment for my class, and creating a infographic was fun, but it took a while. Making it look a certain way with the text, colors, graphics I find creative and interesting. 

Overall, I feel that today has brought a new sense, a deeper and brighter light. After Mass I was thinking, nothing really matters, as long as I'm close to Jesus, that's all that matters in the end. 

A Creative Process

 I recently had a flashback, a thought from about a year ago. This week felt the exact opposite from a year ago. To give you a vague picture, last spring or (April) I had a lot of free, open time. I had horrible sleep anxiety and insomnia, and didn't feel very busy or productive due to the shut down and the COVID-19 pandemic. 

This spring and focusing on this week, I felt almost overwhelmed with assignments, and stressing about to do's for the upcoming days/ weeks. Seeing my books piled in my bookshelf and new ones recently checked out from the library only made me crave this inspiration of reading, yet knowing all the work that lay ahead. I have been sleeping well and been feeling tired when waking up, only wanting to sleep in more and take it slow. Last year, I wish I had a place to be, work to do that kept me stimulated and busy. I feel that now, and though of course I am grateful, but I also think its important to slow down when needed. 

This thought of mine also drifted back to a notebook. A year ago today, I wrote the first page of a notebook that was an extra one from my mom lying around. I wanted to use it to stay inspired and jot down notes and ideas for a potential story. I drew a big cloud like figure on the top of the page almost like a thought bubble with sun like rays and wrote, "I want to write another story. It will be different than the Noor series, with different characters, setting, but still similar in my writing, my style, memories and feelings. With this shelter in place, it will be good and fun to get back into writing again, creatively. We will see where this leads. :)" 

I also wrote down some ideas I had about language. I was currently studying Russian but still felt connected and compelled to progress with Arabic, but also felt like I was going back and forth between Russian and Hebrew. And I wrote at the end, "I think God also leads us to where our hobbies and interests will lead us."

On the back of that page, I was jotting down ideas for characters for the story I wanted to write, but not sure where to start or how to continue to stay inspired. I believe this quote from Picasso that says, "Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working." I've come back to this quote because I find it to be so true. For me at least, I become more inspired when there is variety, I'm busy, useful or productive in some way. And relaxing isn't routine, but a reward. 

I did write a story, months later, and sure enough it was when I was working. I wasn't very busy at work most days, or nearly at all. But being alone in a classroom on zoom, I needed to keep up this inspiration for myself and at the same time keep my mind busy. I slowly started thinking of characters, plot, and a world full of imagination to guide this inner world of story telling. I was somehow inspired by French since I was attempting to study it in my expansive free time, and French names kept coming up in my head and research and the inspiration grew from there. 

It was this same notebook that I've been taking with me to work these past couple of months for notes for my work, but also and very often for little notes and quotes, doodles and reminders for me to look at. When I was researching and discerning a Masters in Library Science, I jotted down notes. While reading good books, spiritual or other, I wrote down notes and quotes to fill a page or two or more and remember it for later as inspiration, positivity and encouragement in long, lonely, or isolated days. 

I'm now on my last page, and its ironic that a year ago I had just started with a few words of my thoughts, desires and ideas to continue to shape my world of inspiration, encouragement and imagination to pull me through the difficult and suffering days of last spring. In some ways, its also been helpful to continue with that theme these last couple of months. It's amazing really, to see it all in this perspective, after this momentous, challenging, interior school year. And the creative process is what I have to show for it. 

Blooms and Lighter Cloths

 It's Divine Mercy Sunday, and now that I've read the Diary of St. Maria Faustina, the image of it all has become a lot more real to me. I have developed a closer relationship and love for this saint of Divine Mercy. Today also depicts the image of Thomas, or doubting Thomas as he also known since he didn't believe own Jesus' resurrections until he saw Jesus in the upper room and witnessed the deep impressions of his wounds. 

What a beautiful image this feast brings. The iconic painting of the Divine Mercy image of Jesus shows one of healing, welcome, blessing, and movement. Jesus is blessing us with his hand movement slightly raised. It is all dark but he brings the light, with the rays of blood and water from his heart pouring out. The white cloth he wears is radiant, and the cloth he wears 8 days after his resurrection when Thomas meets him is removed for Jesus to show his wounds and Thomas believes.

This second Sunday of Easter reveals the outpouring of God's love, and coming towards us in his deep mercy and compassion to a wailing world. He comes in locked doors to bring about peace and breathes on the disciples for them to receive this new life of the Holy Spirit. 

How much I see things slowly unfolding, as the weather becomes warmer and the blooming of the flowers are vibrant and sends perfumes of beauty. Spring is surely in the air and when I trust in God in little ways, more and more I feel my heart feeling lighter and like these flowers, caressing the perfume of God's yoke, of his presence. 

While on our trip, we saw so many gorgeous flowers strewn about in nature, as well as in a botanical garden. The sense of spring, blooms and new life was evident. I wrote 'spring' in the sand at the beach, I saw a spring street as we were traveling from one side to another of a lovely downtown park. As I was driving on my way to Confession yesterday, I saw so many glorious flowers and colors on the edge of the road near roving green hills. And as I was waiting for the priest to come, I was admiring some of the flowers in the courtyard. He came out and saw me noticing the flowers and said, 'Spring is here'.

Today I was shopping for some lighter clothes for these spring and upcoming summer months, to replenish some things. And just to be in a store again, I admit was also inspiring. The variety of clothes on the racks with lighter material, brighter patterns and floral designs was so nice as I feel like I've been wearing my big winter jacket and boots for months on end. 

Reading former letters from my dear sister's old friend, I remember at the end of her letter she wrote about the 'summer months and wearing lighter cloth!' And as I was looking for lighter cloth in some new and fun clothes, I also came to mind Jesus' cloth from the tomb being away and removing some of his cloth to show the disciples and Thomas his sacred wounds.

I love the Easter season, and I love this time of spring where everything is blooming and things are in anticipation. I love that I was able to rest during my spring break and feel a renewed sense of inspiration, gratitude and perspective after some time. Easter is here, the doors are unlocked, and His cloth springs meaning.

Inspiration and Gratitude

 It was so wonderful to be gone, away from the daily norm, schedule and scenery. I didn't realize the burnout, and stress I was feeling and experiencing until we were on our way to blue waters, mission sites and sunny skies in San Luis Obispo. 

It all brought me back to 2016 with a road trip with my dear sister and brother-in-law when we took our time touring the sites in SLO, the mission during the Christmas season. Something about coming back has made me regain a new sense of inspiration, relaxation, beauty, and gratitude. It's my spring break and having more time with my sweet sister and my parents has been so lovely, so fun. It feels like I've been whisked off somewhere far away, a land of beauty, hope, and a prestigious yet laid back vibe. A freshness in the sea water air brings droplets of all kinds of lightweight thoughts, dreams, and inspirations to my mind. 

The start of the Easter season is flooded with this new hope, faith, and realization of a new perspective, enjoyment, appreciation. It's the most joyous season, beautiful and hopeful season, and these past few getaway days has shown that. A clearer headspace is so important. A renewed sense of appreciation for what's right in front of me, and deep gratitude for time to getaway and rekindle a sense of inspiration that was hazy for a while. 

So, here I am, sitting down at my computer in my room, remembering all that has happened these glorious, quick, beautiful and fun days by the water, the mountain ranges, and the rustic mission views all glowing on the other side of my camera.

Touching the Feet of Jesus

 This holy week has been full of reflections, particularly regarding feet. On Monday, we heard in the Gospel reading about the sinful woman, Judas, Lazaurs and Jesus. It's Jesus' last dinner before his last supper, and he is dining and in the home of his dear friends Martha, Mary, and Lazarus whom he raised from the dead. As it says in the Gospel of John 12:1-11, "Mary took a liter of costly perfumed oil made from genuine aromatic nard and anointed the feet of Jesus and dried them with her hair; the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil." This is a beautiful image, the 'sinful woman' as she is called in this passage is filled with respect for Jesus, but also deep gratitude and love. She is also preparing for Jesus' burial by spilling the oil over his feet, a generous and loving gesture. This oil as I learned recently would have cost a years wages to purchase. 

I was recently reading and reflecting from a spiritual reading for women titled, 'I choose the Sky' by Emily Wilson. I came across this woman she depicted and wrote a reflection on. She is titled the sinful woman. The first words that Emily wrote about this woman in scripture is, "I want to be like her." I was moved and overcome, and reading further I understood why she addressed it that way. She goes further to write, "She shows how passionately we are to seek God in the throes of sin and brokenness , and I want to live like her- in this moment- when I experience sorrow and shame. I want my response to be to run to encounter God right where I know he is."  

Another refection that came to mind this week pertaining to feet is my dear God son and nephew Ignacio. As I have written in other posts, he had a heart condition and passed away 4 days after birth. In various moments I feel close to him, remembering him, and uniting my intentions and prayers to him. Every night before bed, I kiss and touch the footprints of this placard. I feel that it is also a symbol to walk in his footsteps and doing God's will, reminding me that I'm not alone.

Yesterday we observed and took part in  Holy Thursday and the The Last Supper. Going to the service of the Lords Supper last night was beautiful, moving, peaceful, and very reflective and somewhat solemn. Like every year, its the start of the holiest days of the year with the Triduum and preparation for Easter. With covid restrictions this year, only a few people were allowed to have their feet washed by the priest. And upon listening to the priest's reflection, he said how feet washing is a symbol to something greater- a symbol, a reminder of laying down ones life for another. To break away from our selfishness and self-centeredness and think and do for another what Christ has done. It's not about humility as much as it is about charity, generosity, and compassion. 

I remembered vividly in that moment of the washing of the feet, of the time I attended a Caritas retreat and the the ending of the retreat was a Mass and also washing if the feet. It was the first time I participated in that, having my feet washed with others praying around me, and washing others' feet. It was quite a moving, beautiful and emotional experience. 

Another quick image came to mind of a catholic speaker, writer and revert to the faith, Leah Darrow and her husband for their wedding instead of the garter, he washed her feet, as a symbol of laying down his life in the sacrament of their marriage. 

And today is Good Friday. A solemn, quiet, reflective, peaceful day to remember our Lord's cross and suffering, abandonment and misunderstandings as his wounds and sacred heart reveal to the world He is the savior of the world. And the foot of the cross is a powerful image, uniting all our worries, concerns, sins, failings to Jesus' cross. And looking upon there were Mary, Mary the wife of Clophas, Mary Magdalen and John the Apostle keeping Jesus company in his darkest hour.