A Look at My 20's (Part 2)

My first Arabic video (Feb 2017)

To continue, my 25th birthday was a lot of fun, refreshing and vibrant. One of the reasons it was exciting was because I could finally celebrate at home, where I wanted to celebrate. The past 3 years had been different and special in their own way at various locations that were outside of my planning. 25 was also exciting because I felt like I was getting out of the slump of 24, and what was a very deep, challenging year. And I had just graduated college! 

Elisabeth surprised me by coming over and spending the day with us. She was originally going to work, so that's why I was so pleasantly surprised. We had just been in Orange County for Matthew and Anna's Wedding. That was nice family time. 

What I remember for 25 was that my Mom, Elisabeth, Susie and I went to Mass in the afternoon, and then out to lunch. We tried out for the first time, Urban Plates and liked it a lot! Then we checked out Sur La Table and browsed around and then went on a walk on the iron horse trail. Elisabeth and I had plans to go to Starbucks that evening and I took some notes on learning Arabic. Then, we went back  home to have dinner and celebrate. It was a very special birthday and one that I was grateful to get off work for. 

25 I would say was a highlight because it felt like a brand new chapter post grad and just getting out of the depression and slumps I had experienced. It felt like, '25 and feelin' alive!' I worked all summer at the summer camp then transitioned to an afterschool program for the fall at the same place. I was getting more into prayer and going to adoration. 

With my niece, Simone- Brian and Kellie visiting that summer

The year prior with its hardships lead me to attend adoration. I met a guy from the ministry Susie started from going to adoration after work in 2017, and then he asked me out for coffee. We met up 2 more times by cooking at his apartment (I felt safe, but I wouldn't do that again). I cooked and showed him Kafta- Middle Eastern meatballs, and the week after he made a Chicken Stew which is common in some African countries. I was praying a lot and discerning and came to the conclusion that it wasn't anything to consider. 

While I was at his apartment and we were talking and cooking, I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me in my heart, clearly saying 'Friendship.' Right at that point I knew my answer. So, I told him through text that I saw him just as a friend and would like to meet in group settings. He said he agreed, but something made me feel not so sure as later on he would still try to talk to me away from others and slightly hinting at hanging out or future plans. Being the indirect person that I am, I wasn't super clear in my words but tried to be consistent from what I revealed to him months prior about being friends. It was like the same situation all over again, me thinking or pretending in my head that we're friends, but then going away feeling confused and anxious after interacting with him. That lasted throughout the Fall, and that became annoying, confusing and not very enjoyable. 

But other things were blossoming and exciting. I was thinking about the possibilities ahead of me and even pursuing teaching and the credential. I was becoming more into Arabic and started making videos of teaching Arabic to help myself and stay inspired. I was still tutoring and that lead to more hours. I wasn't enjoying the afterschool program as much as I did in the summer, so I quit and focused on tutoring my 6 or 7 students and loving it while continuing with volunteering at the senior center and studying for the CBEST and attending Ministry Events. It was nice to have variety in my schedule again too.

Susie's 27th birthday- Karaoke!

That fall, I also joined choir at my parish. It was an interesting experience; I was by far the youngest of the bunch and after 3 weeks I felt like I had my fill and wanted to sit with my family again at Masses. Susie, Steven and I attended a ministry young adult fall dance all the way in Tiburon. It was fun getting ready, but didn't have a great time with lame guys, and navigating new people. I cried a lot later the next day and felt so hurt, but the nice and gentle email from my brother-in-law Salvador made me feel better, as well as hearing consoling words from Elisabeth. 

Towards the end of the year, Elisabeth, Salvador, Susie and I made a beautiful trip to the Redwoods and Felton. That was a special time closing out the year and enjoying it together.

That December, I decided that I would start the ECD classes for Childhood Development in January. I felt passionate about tutoring but knew freelance wouldn't be stable, so working at a Preschool or Montessori school like Elisabeth did seemed like a promising option to land a full time job. I started my classes beginning of 2018. It was a good schedule I had since I was still tutoring on the side and going to class 4 days a week. I also liked what I was learning and it felt like important and valuable information about young children. I would still visit Elisabeth and Salvador in Fremont, and I had recently joined Catholic Match after a short stint a year prior. Susie and I were both on and willing to meet quality guys. She had far more dates than me, since I had zero. It was difficult to navigate online and everyone felt so much older than me, already established and mature, and me just finishing undergrad and trying to gain momentum for my future job and career. It felt like I barely lasted 6 months, but that was the challenge I had with Elisabeth to keep, so I stuck with it. 

In the spring, I started to go to confession on a more regular basis. Susie would attend the parish we started going to together for confession, so I also did. And I was impressed because the priest I went to frequently became such a bedrock and encouragement during those challenging times and growing pains. We had the opportunity to go to Canada- Vancouver and Victoria, as Salvador had a business trip and we were able to come along with Elisabeth and bebe in womb, Mom, Dad, Susie and I joined. It was so beautiful there and interesting to see! That was a special time in May. 

Also, that spring, I had a date with another guy from the ministry. A few of us watched in theaters the Dating Project, and the guy whom I met there recently after that event got my number from Susie and called me and asked me on a date to ice cream. I felt like I already had an inkling of our compatibility or lack of but I was open. It wasn't very enjoyable just because I felt we were so different, and didn't appreciate some things he said or really into his job. The short date of an hour felt a lot longer and afterwards I felt tired and not fully myself. I knew it wasn't a match for me.  I was continuing with learning Arabic and making videos, and liked my schedule for tutoring, my students and creating lesson plans. It felt pretty smooth overall. 

It wasn't until I turned 26, that things hit me. 

It was my golden birthday and though there was this excitement, things felt different, and maybe even a little hard. It was like this new responsibility since I needed insurance and eventually landing a full- time job. I celebrated by first going to Mass in the morning and then coming home and opened some small gifts from Mom. :) Then plans to meet up with Elisabeth and take Bart to Berkely. I wanted to go back to that cafe where I would go for circle and that was really nice and special. Elisabeth was taking a piano class that summer and mom was helping her with some notes. I was taking a summer class for ECD, and tutoring a little on the side. We went to the fair that summer. I hadn't been in years!

That summer was pretty open, and sometimes it felt hard. Susie was quite busy as she was working at Camp Galileo and studying for her tests and attending her friends' wedding. I was trying to stay inspired, and somewhat missing the summer prior where I was active and enjoying my schedule. I also felt like I was growing out of volunteering and needed something new to volunteer for. In early July, Elisabeth and I volunteered at a food donation place, serving meals to the needy and homeless. Afterwards, we went out for dessert at Nations, just like old times. :) She was pregnant and slowly to starting to show and like me, trying to keep busy and be productive with a more open schedule and waiting for what was ahead.

Summer has special memories looking back now, such as movie nights with Susie. Our first oldie movie was watching Filder on the Roof. I met Ali, Steven's girlfriend then (now wife) and we spent more time getting to know her at the house. I was taking a summer class for ECD and my teacher was really good.

I have memories of 26 being difficult because of new growth and growing pains. That fall, I was finishing up my classes at my junior college, and it felt so strange to reflect upon those memories from a few years ago in Student Government and the people I met. I felt alone a lot of the time and I was running out of ideas to make it better. It felt like that summer was similar. It was a raw time, and I was also preparing for what was ahead in a job opportunity, and not fully knowing what to expect. I spoke to some classmates who already had a job in the field and I heard good things or they said they were liking it. Our nephew Santiago was born that November and another, and a niece in December! It was so special to visit and meet the cute babies.

holding Santiago

Christmas time came around and Susie and I went to a ministry event. There were a number of people, one of the biggest events. I felt like I couldn't really connect with others though, just one in the crowd and trying to enjoy Christmas caroling. I had an interview on Christmas Eve (oddly), and it was a quick interview since I got the job on the spot. I later learned it was an awful fit before even starting to work there and there were a number of things I didn't know about. It was by God's grace and protection I never worked a day there since my TB failed, and found out I have Latent TB and had to get an X-ray to get cleared. It felt like a mess of a time leading into 2019.

Susie was starting her credential program, and in some ways I wish I was her because being a student was easier than being in the rollercoaster road I felt like I was on. It felt like I was in a black tunnel of the unknown and didn't know how long it would stretched out for. I tried to hold on tight to my faith and the Eucharist in adoration and Mass, desperately needing guidance and direction. I knew I would miss going to Mass on a regular basis with work coming along, so I took advantage of it and grasp onto the peace and comfort it provided. 

In February, I landed a job after a couple interviews at different preschool jobs that didn't fit the bill. I was so thankful to God that it was fulltime, close by and where Elisabeth used to work 4 years earlier. Most of the teachers were the same and remembered and asked about her. I was navigating the working world working 40 hours a week and staying on top of it all. I embraced going to Mass each day (grateful that I was still able to go with my schedule) and making Arabic videos in the evening and sending voice messages to Elisabeth. I desperately needed the inspiration after very long days that were monotonous, hard and painful (with some rude and disrespectful= unhappy coworkers). 

I would often cry in the evenings, lamenting about all the annoyances and hurts that day. It felt like it wasn't getting any better. I had 2 or 3 coworkers who I could trust, and who could understand my feelings, which was a huge blessing. In the spring, I thought of the idea of designing t-shirts with puff paints as an outlet. That was so much fun, I continued on doing it. It felt like every weekend I was thinking of work and dreading the upcoming week. Susie and I enjoyed going to Mass together on Sundays and other outings. We both had our own unique seasons and growth we were discovering and going on a hike on a Sunday was refreshing just like we did the summer before. 

I decided I needed to leave the job since it was getting out of hand mentally, and emotionally. I remember I felt so proud of myself for facing my fears and being honest and true to myself. My last day on the job was an amazing feeling knowing there was no longer a future there. And most of my coworkers were so friendly and giving me goodbye hugs. I felt free at last, like a big weight was loaded off my shoulders. I was so ready and excited for some time away to regroup, recover, and finally process it all. 

Then came my 27th birthday that summer. 

It was a great moment because it was a whole new, exciting season ahead. I wasn't sure what the future would hold since I had just left my job, but I knew God would continue to heal me, strengthen me and guide me. When I went for walks and runs that summer, I would envision Jesus in front of me and holding my hand, walking me towards where he wanted me to go. It was consoling and comforting because for a while I really was discerning and didn't know what I was going to do. But I was at peace and trying to be open. In my heart of hearts, I felt like God was telling me not to pursue the preschool route anymore, and like there was a halt. So, I listened to that. It wasn't until I asked my mom what she could see me doing, and she immediately thought of helping students with special needs at a school. I never thought of that but seemed like it was right up my alley because I already had a lot of experience helping and tutoring students, and even students who were non native English speakers. 

Throughout the summer, I had a few interviews, and it became exhausting when nothing was coming through. But I began to look into school districts for special education. I had 2 interviews with schools, and the second one came through. I remember I felt so much joy, and simplicity afterwards. I really felt like God was calling me to this school and this was where I would belong. And it was the feast of the Coronation of Mary.