An Anxiety Story

 Anxiety. This gripping, uncontrollable feeling. It twists and turns my insides and squeezes my lungs, it's harder to breathe normally. My heart is beating faster, and I know I'm not breathing the same now.  I'm more focused on it like it's out of rhythm, out of sync. If I could describe the feeling, it makes me feel hyper aware, unfree and on edge. My muscles are tight and tense, and there seems to be no way to make the mountains that have been built on my shoulders to wane. 

If I could describe, it's like negative energy and negative talk has taken over in my head, leaving me more complex and uninspired. I don't feel fully like myself, and it's not a good feeling. I try to look on the bright side and see it as a gift- that perhaps God is trying to tell me something. My body is receptive to something that is annoying or that I'm sensitive to, it's like a red alert. Its fear, it's the what ifs, it's the unknown. 

But it can be a gift, to show me that I'm not in control and I very much like to be, especially in that moment. I need to keep remembering that God is there, controlling, in charge and not letting me go. 

On that Saturday, I came home and started to study some Russian. But I could tell my heart wasn't fully in it in the moment because I was still recovering and processing. I decided it would be good to go to Confession, a powerful way to clear my head, heart and soul, and then afterwards go to Half Price Books with my gift card. 

It was there in confession, afterwards and at the bookstore where I could feel my true sense coming back, my inspiration, thoughts flowing and forgot about earlier that day. How much I need to be reminded of God's healing presence and continue to not be afraid!