Healed and Satisfied

 "...So I began another healing journey. Healing journeys always begin with our brokenness, our humility and surrender. No healing journey is easy. It doesn't happen overnight, and it takes hard work. To surrender those lies daily, sometimes moment by moment, and to take on God's truth." 

I read these words just a few weeks ago, written down in my notebook from a wonderful and encouraging book by Alyssa Joy Bethke, called Satisfied. I read this beloved coffee table book back in March when the weather was cold, wet and dreary days on end (practically what seemed like for the whole month!) and how much I needed this book in my hands when I did. 

I found Satisfied at the library, while browsing shelves on a weekend. I felt a tug in my heart from the Holy Spirit to check out this book. I didn't think anything of it- I didn't feel that compelled or interested in it when I glanced it over on the shelves along with the other Christian titles. But I listened to that inspiration and went back, took it from its place and checked it out. I'm glad I listened to that inner voice, that nudge because God knew I needed that encouragement and deeper connection from Bethke's words.

I wrote down a lot of notes from her book- her anecdotes, words from her heart and deeper thoughts. I realized that I felt called to read this because I was growing weary, exhausted and discouraged that rainy month of March. I was exhausted with my job as well as the constant, and heavy demands of my classes and workload. The cycle didn't seem to stop, and interiorly I felt like I was uninspired and breaking. Literally on a rat race.

Bethke gave me inspiration and hope, and especially encouragement- I felt really similar to her! Her more quiet and observant nature, her introverted and cautious self, and striving to live her confident self-amidst the hardship of creating true friendships and the hustle and bustle of our technology driven world. It was comforting and reassuring to say the least. 

So, when I read this quote in my notebook recently- it had a new significance, a new meaning. Healing, healing journeys, I can relate because I was just went through one. Healing from a hectic school year and semester, and annoying, rude and just plain exhausting students and coworkers at times, busyness and to dos. But also healing from going on dates with a guy who not only wasn't clear with his intentions but left me in the dark. What he didn't do or say was even more hurtful and shocking. This summer allowed me to process, and ultimately heal from these events. And for that I am grateful. 

"To ask for his Spirit's help. To open our eyes to see his truth and reality and to be full of his hope."

Information Retrieval Class

 There's something about a Professor you know will create an inspiring and engaging class. There's a spark, a deeper interest in the subject matter and you can sense their passion.

 One of my favorite professors with the iSchool happened Fall 2021. It was already a rather raw, and challenging time. But upon receiving the notice about the class I would take with her- Information Retrieval System Designs, there was something that compelled me to know it would be interesting and she would be a great teacher.

That class really helped me that semester- not just with learning new material in the field of library science, but also having an amazing professor (and still one of my favorites!) I loved her enthusiasm for the content. Initially, it was a bit dry and technical, but her presence on her lectures made me more intrigued to learn and understand more. 

I always looked forward to her lectures. They were well thought out, engaging and an helpful overview for the week ahead. She had 'connect sessions' where after watching her lecture, you would write in the discussion post your impressions, thoughts and opinions based on the content of the lecture. It was a great tool to stay connected with the class and see their thoughts and questions written out. It was easy points, but more importantly a way to engage (which is hard enough over online classes). 

I liked how she allowed for her students to think outside the box- and think more deeply and critically about Information Retrieval and how its important and relevant to you. It took me almost the whole semester for that to click. 

Some reflection pieces I really liked that she had at the beginning of the semester and repeated at the end I wrote down were:

-You're not alone

-Study Time. Me Time. (light a candle to make it an enjoyable and relaxing experience)

-Learning is Messy- things won't be perfect

-Scholarly Conversation

-Extend Grace. Communicate. Be the Solution. Not the problem. Make sure all voices are heard.

-Do I belong here? Field needs diverse people, needs, skillsets.

-How can I contribute here?

- Challenges (can't compare ourselves to others, keep moving forward, one step at a time.)

-You are not your user

-Self Reflection

-Learning and Friction (has to be a challenge in order to grow, learn)

-The Journey (point on a journey, not a destination)

-Have fun. Enjoy the learning process. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 I enjoyed hearing about her former career as an assistant librarian at a college and working with students. I was instantly inspired and felt somewhat compelled that that's perhaps the route I wanted to take.

Last summer, I reached out to her regarding the pathway of academic librarianship and more information about it, as well as how to get your foot in the door. She had some useful and helpful tips in her voice message to me. I had a feeling I would figure things with time out and opportunities would introduce themselves.

When I think about the most amount of learning and content for my classes thus far as well as my favorite professor- this class and Professor comes to mind, and for that I am grateful! It made that semester so much more engaging, inspiring and interesting. 

Leaning Over Coffee

 Coffee shop. After a long time, family group settings, summer events and busyness. It's the ambiance of a coffee shop, a constant between quiet and noise, ins and outs and we have our own talk, our own catching up to do after weeks of other things. Our voice messages only do justice of our inner worlds, thoughts, ideas, struggles and opinions.

The stillness and creative inspirations from a coffee shop embark the quality conversations we are seeking. The Saturday morning muse gives a flicker to the past week and the weekend ahead. 

I remember the weeks were so busy and constant before, and weekends were literally a breath of fresh air. This new open, varied schedule is very nice and appreciated, and it doesn't feel like a scurried sense of trying to find the time and mental space for something different. 

Hot coco, white chocolate mocha, a muffin, pumpkin bread is what we ate and drank. Those few hours felt like minutes dropping like rain drops spewing from the sky, and then disappear. Their remnant is on the ground. Our words, and time spent together are saved in memory like the trickling and pouring of brewed coffee on a Fall, crips morning; always appreciated, savored and ready for the next time!

Bluebird

 The beginning of the school year brings back so many memories. Listening to a particular song welcomes back a distinctive feel, memory and experience. 

My sister sent me the song and I was listening to it on repeat while decorating a shirt for my other sister's birthday. I love art design and decorating shirts is always so fun, especially for someone else! 

It was that newness feeling of a brand-new school year. Though I was a veteran, it felt very new due to being in a new classroom and placed with a new sped teacher. But it was just what I needed after things feeling the same for the prior 3 school years. There was a heightened sense of responsibility, guidance, but I felt like I was enjoying it because I was busier and could make things more my own- despite it being challenging and exhausting. 

In a way, it was a reward for sticking it out the other years that were bland and more predictable. I could use it for something, and there was a sense of joy and peace, knowing I was in the right place. Turning 30 and being at the same job had many graces, and it felt like the hard, dry, and monotonous parts were turning into something else the beginning of the school year.

When I listen to this song, I immediately think of a year ago at this time. We were celebrating my mom and sister's birthday at a restaurant, and my classes just started. Thery were looking into selling their house, and there was a distinctive summer feeling in the air- with the warm summer breeze, people enjoying themselves and out and about, and a whole new school year ahead that already felt hard, interesting, exhausting. It was a new challenge to embrace and make it my own. 

Happy Anniversary blog!

7 years ago (yesterday) I started this blog. This has been the longest blog I have had, and I am so happy and proud that I have kept it up all these years. 

It was an idea I had, to continue with writing, sharing and inspiration. Blogging is a huge source of writing inspiration and ideas for me, and I've noticed I've written more as the years go by. 

Happy Anniversary, samakti blog!! :)

Walking on Parched Ground

 I was thinking about 2 years ago in mid-August. It was such a unique, interiorly intense and richly dry time. I say richly dry- (these words are both opposite of each other) because I felt like I was in a severe desert, but also felt His comfort and consolation uniquely and richly in that season of pain and suffering. Here's a letter to myself during this time.

_________________________________

Dear Colleen,

Your heart is heavy. And your mind is flooded with deep, discouraging, cyclical thoughts about your life right now. It's mid-August, right before another school year, and it will be your 3rd year at your job. But deep down, you feel a sense of uncertainty, feeling outgrown in a lot of ways, ready for the next step, the next season, the next challenge. And why wouldn't you feel this way? Both your older sister and younger brother just got engaged to their significant others, and new seasons and exciting beginnings were starting for them, but everything felt flat, old, the same and mundane for you.

 Your heart has been pierced, you're carrying a particular cross, but also you are challenged to grow, to continue to look for the good, the beauty, even the new when everything feels the same. You are also challenged and encouraged to keep the newly engaged couples in your prayers and continue to be supportive and happy even if it's what you so deeply desire for yourself. 

Not only that, but you wonder and often question your path. Here you are continuing with your MLIS degree for your second semester, and already you want to progress in your future field, gain experience, and keep learning and progressing. But going back to your job for another school year feels like you are going backwards. Thats where the discouragement gets you, and where those lies creep in, as well as doubt.

Looking back on other challenging times, you remembered what helped was volunteering or serving in some way and getting out of yourself. So, you signed up to help out with registration for a few hours at your job the week before school started. It helped you grow; you had never helped out with that before. You also saw a number of students you recognized, and it helped prepare you for the upcoming school year. 

That week was one of the staff development days you went to, and you feel somewhat out of place yet again. You're not a teacher, but you are feeling outgrown in your position and simply overlooked. Afterwards, you head over to the public library you always go to. Perhaps looking around at books will uplift and inspire you again since you feel down and overwhelmed with all you are experiencing. 

Inspired by the Holy Spirit, you immediately think of a book about St. John Vianney to look up. It feels like a good source of comfort and consolation since what you know about this saint is he spiritually led the town of Ars out of spiritual dryness and darkness, but also his many sacrifices, and mortifications he did to offer up this town to Our Lord, and obedience and commitment to his vocation as a priest. His example helped you where you are- saying yes to God in the ordinary and mundane, that God could use it for something good and to be transformed in some way. 

You don't know it at the time of course, but you will be transformed interiorly and spiritually. You will be given all the graces you need. And you will be using your gifts and strengths even during this school year and with the same SPED teacher. You will be reaching students and growing more and more as well as in your program. God can use it all, and He will, even the dryness and the seemingly ordinary you find yourself in. 

Don't give up. It's just a season- this too shall pass. And though you won't know it yet, actually for a while, you will stay another school year which will show you all the fruits of what you endured and learned, and in some ways will be easier and harder than what you will experience. And surprisingly enough, looking back, you will be grateful for these challenges, and pains. God is preparing and molding you for something great. Don't lose heart, He is with you and ever beside you.

Love,

Colleen 

Your Future Self 8/10/2023

Those Lunch Breaks

 I've had these thoughts in my head a lot about visiting my dear sister at her house with her precious boys, and how it's not only a treasured time but also in some ways it can feel like reciprocating. 

I so much appreciated her visiting me during my lunch breaks- a benefit for both of us and every time buying or bringing me something that was so thoughtful and generous- a salad, a treat from Paris Baguette, lunch from Panera, a coffee. So sweet!

Those lunch breaks fueled me with gratitude and inspiration for the rest of the workday. And our time together always ended too soon, usually only 20 or 30 mins which felt like barely 10 mins had gone by! I always felt understood, seen by her.

 I often felt like I was just getting by with my job, and my coworker who was very opposite of me. How refreshing it was to see a sister in the middle of the day and her boys to mix up the routine for both of us! It was hard to end our precious time at those parks close by to my job, since we knew our time together was so vital for our days, needed inspiration and encouragement in our unique seasons.

I will always remember when she told me she was pregnant at one of those parks. It was early March, a gloomy, drab Friday, and somewhat going through the motion at work. But seeing her at my lunch break, and her sharing the news was a balm to my soul, a delight to my heart and I was so happy for her- and hearing in person, just us was a joy. I felt no longer downtrodden once I went back to work. 

Or another time- her and Santiago decorated a park table with yellow flowers just for me. 

Or when she gave me coffee in a beautiful coffee cup that I once gave her. I actually felt tired and lethargic that day sometime in late April or May, so it was just what I needed!

I would almost always walk back into my classroom a few mins late- texting my coworker that I would be and was on my way. Seeing that I was late and or with something in my hand like food or a drink, he could usually figure out that I was with my sister again. Lol

I would always walk with deep gratitude, feeling so special that a sister went of her way to see me, to visit me during my break. It's a testimony of our beautiful soul sisterhood. I cherish that time. And it helped me get through those last couple of months for the semester. 

Early Morning Mass

 Going to early morning Mass makes me think about work. That routine of waking up early, getting ready for the day, having breakfast, and trying to get to daily Mass on time all hold special memories. They were busy times, but precious and beautiful of making mass a part of my day, first thing in the morning before the workday officially began, and the sun rose in the sky. 

I recall entering into Mass and prayer in need of all the graces I felt I needed for the day ahead- the little or big annoyances, the struggles, the draining and tiring parts, feeling outgrown or not knowing what's next, feeling misunderstood, and the constant noise to name a few. 

I would often look to the statue of the Holy Family for prayers and guidance. And especially to St. Joseph for guidance and support with job discerning and questioning. And to the Sacred Heart of Jesus image, knowing he would provide all the graces I needed for another day/week of work that at times felt hard, draining and monotonous.

 I was always pleasantly surprised and grateful He came through and gave me the exact graces I needed to pull through and the joy to continue. It always felt in abundance.

This new season will look different. A different feel and schedule as well as scenery, no longer at the same job that once was. However, faith and graces remain the same, and reminding myself of what God has done in the past is helpful for the present. 

It was a distinctive time, a time of surrendering and trusting, and holding onto the faith at what times felt like thin rope or the same old same old, desperately trying to capture a source of inspiration and consolation. However, the light has kept on shining- through the stain glass windows in the church just as He does in our hearts and in our lives amidst the unknown and uncertainty. I continue to walk with faith and trust. 

Overflowing

 I was standing in the aisle where I usually am, amidst the stack of books. I needed a breath, or two. I needed time to reflect, to pause on what just happened. It was a good feeling, and I instantly felt flooded with a deep peace, and a stirring of joy. I still couldn't believe it. I was thanking God in my heart, full of awe and gratitude. 

I have at times felt like I was going in circles. And that sinking feeling that nothing is working out, everything seeming nearly impossible, super competitive and hard to get. The many, many months, endless it seemed, of searching, thinking, and praying. Rather, it had been nearly 2 years since my mind has been focused tediously, worried and, questioning about this. But that day, all those fears, and unknowns faded away, disappeared rather, because I finally landed an internship for my program! 

 Slowly, ever so slowly, God was lifting my hands and ungrasping them, as tight as they were. I had and was grasping tightly, to be in control, to make things happen, to make waves. But it still didn't seem good enough. 

I remember talking to my sister on the phone, and declaring how hard and competitive it was to gain experience. There was no comparison with the teaching field, I declared. This was something else, harder almost and more niche. But I recalled a beautiful saying/demeanor from one of my favorite speakers and youtubers, that this was God's. It belonged all to Him, what He wanted me to do with it, how He would be using me, and ultimately His plan with my Masters program and gaining experience. I was trying to surrender and remember that this wasn't of my doing, but His, as I was saying to her over the phone. And somehow, someway, he would show me what He wants me to do, and where to go. 

Before my interview, I didn't feel nervous at all, and didn't think much of it, but just to go through with the interview. I vividly recalled a scene from the Gospel, and as depicted in The Chosen, when Simon and the disciples are out fishing all night, with nothing to show for, no fish have been caught in their nets. They are deeply discouraged, exhausted, hopeless. 

The TV series, The Chosen expands this scene and expert from the Gospel and you get to see more imagery of the whole experience for them, and especially Simon. You also clearly see the awe, joy, and deep gratitude of when everything is turned around, and they meet Jesus on the shore. (Simon not knowing/fulling recognizing who He is). Simon heavily doubts Jesus' words and commands to throw out their nets for a catch, even with no success many hours earlier. Simon obeys but is skeptical. Jesus has something for him at the last moment, when Simon and the others would clearly give up. Jesus isn't late, but rather on time, and on time for when Simon is ready to let Jesus do the work- after Simon trying so hard with no avail, and Jesus has the nets bursting with fish, overflowing in abundance after he tells Simon what to do. 

That's what I was thinking about right when I left for my interview, and that's how I felt interiorly, spiritually- letting The Holy Spirit, and Jesus work through me. If it's His will, all will work out anyway. I am ever so grateful, and excited for this new opportunity and experience!