Walking on Parched Ground

 I was thinking about 2 years ago in mid-August. It was such a unique, interiorly intense and richly dry time. I say richly dry- (these words are both opposite of each other) because I felt like I was in a severe desert, but also felt His comfort and consolation uniquely and richly in that season of pain and suffering. Here's a letter to myself during this time.

_________________________________

Dear Colleen,

Your heart is heavy. And your mind is flooded with deep, discouraging, cyclical thoughts about your life right now. It's mid-August, right before another school year, and it will be your 3rd year at your job. But deep down, you feel a sense of uncertainty, feeling outgrown in a lot of ways, ready for the next step, the next season, the next challenge. And why wouldn't you feel this way? Both your older sister and younger brother just got engaged to their significant others, and new seasons and exciting beginnings were starting for them, but everything felt flat, old, the same and mundane for you.

 Your heart has been pierced, you're carrying a particular cross, but also you are challenged to grow, to continue to look for the good, the beauty, even the new when everything feels the same. You are also challenged and encouraged to keep the newly engaged couples in your prayers and continue to be supportive and happy even if it's what you so deeply desire for yourself. 

Not only that, but you wonder and often question your path. Here you are continuing with your MLIS degree for your second semester, and already you want to progress in your future field, gain experience, and keep learning and progressing. But going back to your job for another school year feels like you are going backwards. Thats where the discouragement gets you, and where those lies creep in, as well as doubt.

Looking back on other challenging times, you remembered what helped was volunteering or serving in some way and getting out of yourself. So, you signed up to help out with registration for a few hours at your job the week before school started. It helped you grow; you had never helped out with that before. You also saw a number of students you recognized, and it helped prepare you for the upcoming school year. 

That week was one of the staff development days you went to, and you feel somewhat out of place yet again. You're not a teacher, but you are feeling outgrown in your position and simply overlooked. Afterwards, you head over to the public library you always go to. Perhaps looking around at books will uplift and inspire you again since you feel down and overwhelmed with all you are experiencing. 

Inspired by the Holy Spirit, you immediately think of a book about St. John Vianney to look up. It feels like a good source of comfort and consolation since what you know about this saint is he spiritually led the town of Ars out of spiritual dryness and darkness, but also his many sacrifices, and mortifications he did to offer up this town to Our Lord, and obedience and commitment to his vocation as a priest. His example helped you where you are- saying yes to God in the ordinary and mundane, that God could use it for something good and to be transformed in some way. 

You don't know it at the time of course, but you will be transformed interiorly and spiritually. You will be given all the graces you need. And you will be using your gifts and strengths even during this school year and with the same SPED teacher. You will be reaching students and growing more and more as well as in your program. God can use it all, and He will, even the dryness and the seemingly ordinary you find yourself in. 

Don't give up. It's just a season- this too shall pass. And though you won't know it yet, actually for a while, you will stay another school year which will show you all the fruits of what you endured and learned, and in some ways will be easier and harder than what you will experience. And surprisingly enough, looking back, you will be grateful for these challenges, and pains. God is preparing and molding you for something great. Don't lose heart, He is with you and ever beside you.

Love,

Colleen 

Your Future Self 8/10/2023