Rereading

 As I was browsing at the library, I also was set on the book I was searching for. Sure enough, I found it in its regular place. Just like those couple of months ago when I stumbled upon it and realized it was exactly what I needed at that time, the memories and dare I say nostalgia flooded back. 

It felt like I was looking at a mirror, looking back at my former self and here I was, on the other side of that mirror. Though the looking back at a former time and self wasn't actually that long ago. When I read this book, it was Fall 2023 and the walls felt like they were caving in, and I needed any extra dose of inspiration and hope.

This book did it for me. It gave me glimpses of working and speaking to students again, one that I missed incredibly and yearned for after I left my job. It brought me into an entirely different world, yet a world and experience I could imagine and enter into.

Michelle Kuo, a young woman on a path of discovery of starting her teaching career at in a lower income community and with students needing extra academic support. Her way of detailing her navigation through the thick and thin, good and bad, highs and lows days of being in a classroom I could resonate with, not just in my own personal way but also through stories of my sisters' experience teaching the youth. 

I loved Kuo's effortless passion and dedication of English and literature even when it wasn't reciprocated by some of her students. Most especially, her undying effort to enter into her students' lives and one in particular (I don't want to spoil it), where she helps him out and meets him where he's at. She also has unfailing hope in him though he doesn't for himself. She later achieves her own personal goals with teaching and education as her foundation. Ultimately, Kuo's story elaborates on the impact of a teacher.  A teacher who is just as passionate as caring, and eager to support and inspire. It was literally a page turner. 

Not only was this book an inspiration and reminder of the impact we can have on others and students, while also fulfilling our own dream and learning more about ourselves. It also showed me how much I do care about students and education, and all my experiences with it. Most importantly though, I've seen my growth since reading this book. I knew what season I was in then and where I am now. I'm proud of myself and just like Kuo, I too have accomplished something and learned more about myself in the process. 

Pruning

 Watching her hair get cut brought some high emotions and near tears for me. Her face was so radiant and joyful. She was full of grace and spiritual light, though deep down in her eyes and facial expression, you could see there was a raw, tender and heartfelt suffering.

 Jessica Hanna. A woman who battled breast cancer on and off and on again, and just recently passed away. I heard about her and her story through my dear sister, and I was capitated. Her story seems to be nearly everywhere now- on social media and YouTube, Catholic podcasters and Relevant Radio. The video I saw of her donating her hair as it had grown out enough to donate (for cancer patients, though she too was a cancer patient), was a radical testament of faith, letting go and surrender. They would cut all the rest, rather shave since with her chemo and radiation, it would fall out anyway. 

I've also donated my hair (twice), as well as my nieces, and it's a powerful experience. It can take a long time to actually grow out for the required length and desired cut. But then seeing it all be put into a bag for a cancer(s) patient is quite profound. My first time it was 2 years' worth of uncut hair!! But what made me emotional was that she was radiant with joy, trust and prayer while getting her hair literally chopped.

 And the second time donating for me, it was too short of a cut than what I wanted or anticipated. I was not happy about it and even felt bitter for a long while. Little did I know, God was pruning me. He was showing me His will for my life then that was also quite painful at times. I could easily feel sad or bitter about it, but I needed to keep surrendering. 

And here this beautiful and spiritually strong woman wasn't complaining or angry, but smiling and peaceful and entrusting it all to the Lord. She's an amazing example of God's grace at work and surrendering it all to Him and let Him do the pruning. For then, beautiful roses will appear. 

Storms and Light

 

This photo says it all. I remember exactly how I was feeling and what I was thinking. It was the middle of February, and it wasn't the calm before the storm, but the actual storm and navigating. My anxiety wasn't debilitating yet very much present, my mind was running in circles with various spiraling thoughts of my classes and the demanding and exhausting work of my e-portfolio. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it. I was trying to do it in strides, just like my walks and runs, but it felt so daunting. The weather was cloudy and the air was damp and moist. I didn't mind getting wet and it actually felt therapeutic while my mind running and not at rest. 

All I knew was that I was in the thick of it, and it was only the beginning. Trying to find that inspiration, that drive for not giving up and keep going. That night I went to the first women's group and it was helpful and inspiring, something out of the ordinary. 

I thought about this photo somewhat recently, and it stirred up emotions. It took so much from me and out of me to overcome all the hurdles of that big project and many demands and stresses, when all I really wanted to do was study language or German in a cafe and create my own learning goals. 

I also experienced a lot of anxiety this semester and so much inner turmoil that I had to keep fighting back and asking for all the graces and guidance and encouragement I needed. It was a constant battle which many times left me feel debilitated with no motivation or energy to focus on my work. 

I felt like giving up on my class- though knew I couldn't. It felt like a temptation from the evil one; 'just give up, it's too much work!' And I was feeling rather sick and in bed with no desire for anything, extreme discouragement, depression and nausea- the perfect storm just a few days before my assignment was due! 

With God's saving grace, I was able to overcome all of those spiritual attacks, process what was happening, what I was supposed to do, my mission, if you will, and to do it well. This too shall pass, I thought and just to do my best. 

Just like my mom stated after she finished her long-written exam for her Masters program, it hurt to think, I too felt like my mind was hurting and couldn't write nor think. It was all so intense that it also felt like I had some amnesia. I guess that's in some was a good sign- it's supposed to be hard work! 

And now I'm reveling in that it's all over, with just a few shy weeks left of the semester. Somewhat surreal of course, but also very exciting, a bit daunting but mostly encouraging and rewarding from the people I love.

Beauty of a Flower

"When was the last time you really appreciated the beauty and wonder of a flower?"- Matthew Kelly

I feel this relates to so many things. I've been more aware of flowers, now with spring in full bloom, it's wonderful to see the vibrant colors and blooms showcasing their dazzle and wonder after the rainstorms. 

Just this morning at Mass, the priest mentioned the beauty of nature and how it's God's footprint. He said he's been loving to look at the white blossoms outside his window and just the pure blessings all around us. 

It's true, there are so many incredible and beautiful blessings. And in the quote from Kelly, to actually stop and look at a flower, and see all God's glory. As I've been on my walks and runs, I come across many plants and flowers. Some catch my eye more than others and just happen for me to look a bit longer on the color, details and beauty of the rose, tree blossom or how the wind or bees are giving attention to it. It really slows down time.

I find flowers can also be something spiritual. Sometimes I say a prayer or ask for a 'sign', to show me I'm on the right path or what God's will is. Usually, I think of a rose as it's my favorite flower, Our Lady's flower as well as other associations with saints (St. Therese of Lisieux). As I leave church, I 'run into' stained glass images of St. Therese and Our Lady of Gudalupe both surrounded by red roses. I also see roses as I park my car outside my sister's house- such beautiful plants and flowers they have! 

All of this catches me to pause and thank God for the sheer beauty and blessings around me. All I have to do is pay attention.

As a friend and I were sharing conversation over Middle Eastern food, she mentioned how perhaps some hardships and situations can be God telling us something, reminders for us that also go deeper into the spiritual life. What great insight! 

Perhaps now I've been able to catch up with my thoughts a bit more. I know how it feels to be entrenched and all consumed with stresses, to do's, even anxiety and worries and lack of focus or appreciation for much else. Our world and mind can feel so small and breakable. There is nothing better than silence, slowing down, and prayer. 

And then I'm able to notice the beautiful flowers, or the sweet cherub smile of my dear niece. She is now officially a daughter of God, being baptized into the church the first week of Easter. Her light, mysterious colored eyes, her big smile, sweet breaths as she falls asleep, her soft hair and chubby legs are all reminders of God's goodness, beauty, and presence. How many times I just want to lay in his arms and rest and surrender all those worries and anxieties, or whatever else was on my heart and mind. 

The Letters

"As you know, I find it really hard to keep things tidy and in good order- not just my personal things, but the things I'm given to do. Nisa realizes this, and she wants to teach me how to put everything in its place: she tidies my cupboards etc. I try to keep them like that and to be very careful not to spoil things, but despite all my efforts I messed some things up like getting a stain on the desk and breaking off one of the bed- knobs. And I keep forgetting where I left the keys, so that I sometimes make my sisters waste their time. I've done lots of other things like that, but I don't get discouraged, and I think, if God helps me (pray that He will), I'll manage to correct myself" - Guadalupe Ortiz letters

 I've been wanting to read this book since the beginning of the year. I somehow found out about Guadalupe while researching on the Opus Dei website, and immediately I was drawn to her. I felt I could relate and connect with her. Initially in all honesty, her messiness or even clumsiness. But I was also intrigued by her story, faith, cheerfulness, and work. 

She was studying Chemistry and science and later became a professor. Though I cannot relate with her field (I never liked or was good at science), her dedication and passion for it was inspiring. And I have my own experience with education with teaching students as well as getting higher education. 

I'm reading through her letters to her spiritual director, St. Josemaria- one of my favorite saints. And I love how simple she is in writing, but also her dedication in her vocation, her cheerfulness and honesty.