Storms and Light

 

This photo says it all. I remember exactly how I was feeling and what I was thinking. It was the middle of February, and it wasn't the calm before the storm, but the actual storm and navigating. My anxiety wasn't debilitating yet very much present, my mind was running in circles with various spiraling thoughts of my classes and the demanding and exhausting work of my e-portfolio. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it. I was trying to do it in strides, just like my walks and runs, but it felt so daunting. The weather was cloudy and the air was damp and moist. I didn't mind getting wet and it actually felt therapeutic while my mind running and not at rest. 

All I knew was that I was in the thick of it, and it was only the beginning. Trying to find that inspiration, that drive for not giving up and keep going. That night I went to the first women's group and it was helpful and inspiring, something out of the ordinary. 

I thought about this photo somewhat recently, and it stirred up emotions. It took so much from me and out of me to overcome all the hurdles of that big project and many demands and stresses, when all I really wanted to do was study language or German in a cafe and create my own learning goals. 

I also experienced a lot of anxiety this semester and so much inner turmoil that I had to keep fighting back and asking for all the graces and guidance and encouragement I needed. It was a constant battle which many times left me feel debilitated with no motivation or energy to focus on my work. 

I felt like giving up on my class- though knew I couldn't. It felt like a temptation from the evil one; 'just give up, it's too much work!' And I was feeling rather sick and in bed with no desire for anything, extreme discouragement, depression and nausea- the perfect storm just a few days before my assignment was due! 

With God's saving grace, I was able to overcome all of those spiritual attacks, process what was happening, what I was supposed to do, my mission, if you will, and to do it well. This too shall pass, I thought and just to do my best. 

Just like my mom stated after she finished her long-written exam for her Masters program, it hurt to think, I too felt like my mind was hurting and couldn't write nor think. It was all so intense that it also felt like I had some amnesia. I guess that's in some was a good sign- it's supposed to be hard work! 

And now I'm reveling in that it's all over, with just a few shy weeks left of the semester. Somewhat surreal of course, but also very exciting, a bit daunting but mostly encouraging and rewarding from the people I love.