Hello Cozy

 

This is the mini poster I made about a year ago for my internship. A year ago, I completed my final hours for it, and it felt like it would never end. It was like a waterfall, water pouring continuously like a strong storm, and not stopping any time soon. The water crashing in waves with full force, felt like how it was for me, being tossed, and slapped with icy cold sheets. Being relieved and happy that it was all soon to be over were understatements. 

I remember distinctly feeling protected from the remaining hours when the book club at the school ended and I had to drive back to finish my hours at the library. Such drudgery I thought, but I've endured this far.

What actually happened was the librarian who was with me couldn't start her car once exiting the school. It was her car battery. We had to get the school librarian to call a teacher to help us with installing jump cables, and that took up more time. I didn't want to leave her, I mean I would want someone to be with me if my car battery was dead. So that took up a portion of the time, yayy! I thought. 

And with only about an hour in a half left at the library, it wasn't too bad and felt like I knew what to do- fix a book display and organize and put away books, nothing new really. What I didn't know was that there was going to be a surprise party for me since it was my last day. 

The librarian with the car trouble finally came back and told me about this party that wasn't going to happen after all and instead gave me the sparkling cider bottles. I was relieved, with one less awkward thing to endure. God and my guardian angel were protecting me. 

This image of the poster above was actually a mistake one that I didn't use for the display but I printed it out to see how it would look near my cubical like desk. It was hidden in the corner, facing the back parking lot, and then my desk was switched near the clock on the wall. I could always hear it tick, often slowly. I think the only thing I added to the mini poster was a candy cane for the final look. 

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I was walking in the dark, chilly November evening. It didn't feel like Fall anymore, but rather like the heart of winter. I felt like my heart was aching, in pain not from the sheer cold, but from my internship. I was walking passed the Christmas tree that was up and all lit for the holiday festivities, but it didn't feel like it. 

I was ruminating on the uncomfortableness of it all- what the librarian said to me, as we were sitting right next to each other at our desks. 'That's bizarre' is all that I had ringing in my head. Almost trying to laugh, or let out a sigh, a breath that was suffocated for far too long inside me while walking past the shimmering lights and glass ornaments in the tall tree. The icy, cold air could taste my breath as it was lit. 

I was hurt, annoyed, confused. 'That's bizarre' she said about my idea for a book display that sounded ridiculous, yet in my mind she said I could do whatever I wanted, she was open. I interpreted it as literally anything. 

I'll admit, the idea wasn't holiday or Christmas inspired or even the typical winter themed display you'd naturally think of for December. Instead, I chose U.S. Presidents, and I found a lot of books about Presidents so it should have been pretty easy. But 'That's bizarre' kept echoing in my head. 

Why does everything have to feel so hard and unnatural for me? I thought, as I was brisk walking to get away, to go to my car, to think, to be free. To do anything but spend any extra minute than what was unnecessary inside there. 

It was the feast of St. Andrew, and my mom was having another surgery for her cancer. I would have dinner alone that night. I tried to let it dissipate into the icy air and be sent to God like incense, taken away from me, to regain my peace, on the few eves before Advent.