January Blur

 The week of Martin Luther King Jr. felt like a different kind of week. The holiday always helps and switching up routines. I went to a thrift store to return some items and found a book of MLK's speeches that I got. Honestly, I wasn't feeling too ready for this week to start again. Something about last week was exhausting, and at times mentally numbing, and it felt rather long. The weekends can go by fast, and then it's back to the grind. 

But this week turned out to not be like the weeks prior, at all. I had anticipated all the ways I could make it better and more enjoyable by doing fun and inspirational things on the side. However, as I looked over that list last night (since I forgot what I actually wrote down) I realized I had hardly done any of them! And I knew why. 

This week was far better, easier, lighter load mentally because I had more space and time to pray. I created more time for that.  I went to Mass in the mornings which I hadn't done for a while and quit social media. These were game changers, and my mood was lifted. I could think clearly. I easily had more inspiration and motivation after work that didn't feel like it took hours to get. 

So, my inspiration list wasn't too successful, but it still can be used as I would like to do some things on there such as creative endeavors like painting or simple things. Not to mention to continue reading and maybe finishing a book or two. I learned that making room for silence and God's graces are paramount to any list but defiantly assist with it. I hope next can be similar. 

Found this photo- MLK memorial, July 2023 with nieces and nephew

You're Going to Be Okay

 I found this quote from my notebook, taken from a book I read last year, the year before, and am now currently starting again. It has great reminders, hopeful inspiration and encouraging words. That's why I love it and gravitate towards it, as well as her other books. 

"So I want to lean in and whisper to you, 'Dear sister, trust that there is more than you can see. Trust that what you're doing makes a difference. Trust that one day you will get to turn the chair around and see fully.' And I think God smiles with us as we sit with him at the table of life too." -Holly Gerth; You're Going to be Okay

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I was thinking of my old classroom. The one that was small, had thin walls, had a sink, a view of the street and some trees, people's homes next door (but not of Mt. Diablo, which I had in my other classroom and loved the view). Everything about that environment was nothing like the one prior. 

I had a whiteboard behind my desk so I would take up the invitation to write on it- reminders, the day's date, a Russian word of the day for inspiration, etc. I had my own desk, a place for my things, and would come back to it throughout the day, and later a desktop computer that worked. 

My view wasn't of the street but of the classroom, of the other whiteboard that wasn't too large and the TV like projector screen. It was a plain classroom, so I decided to make posters to enhance the classroom look from dull to inviting and fun or at least interesting. I decorated these signs like 'You Matter' in inspiration from the coffee shop Journeys Coffee as well as relating to Physics which was the Special Ed class I was in. As well as science posters having to do with Chemistry, Biology and Physics with a saying on them, or a picture of a tree and quotes and names of scientists. 

I looked at these the whole year and it helped make the classroom look a little more vibrant. I didn't realize all the things I was doing and keeping everything together. From staying organized with all the to do's of students' tests and assignments, to helping facilitate the crazy, loud and usually uncontrolled Physics class, to giving lesson plan ideas to the teacher as a way for myself to stay motivated as well as inspired, to staying professional when everyone highly disliked the teacher and there was tons of gossip, division and animosity and just trying to stay positive and neutral about everything, to completing my school work and readings and assignments for my busy and full class load of my Masters program, to trying to stay healthy, active, inspired and spiritually enriched on the daily knowing very well I needed all the graces to put up with some hard students and an exhausting and soul sucking teacher, to put it bluntly.

I feel now I'm able to 'see more fully' like Gerth writes, especially after some time and now being at another school- the environment, the students, everything is totally different. I didn't realize what I would miss and how I would interpret all that I was doing, learning and even enjoying in the thick of it all. 

Michelle Duppong

 I never heard of her until I read a blurb about her in a church bulletin and read that her feast day was on Christmas. She died the same age I was viewing it. I felt compelled and inspired to look up and research more about her. 

Fast forward, almost a year later, and I'm excited to see a documentary about her. It was so interesting, engaging and touching to learn more about her life, her work as a FOCUS missionary and then as the Director of Faith Formation and even just her ordinary life and family and friends speaking about her. She seemed very normal, very cheerful. My mom and I both had tears at the end of the documentary. 

On Christmas Day this past year, I was sick and wasn't able to make it to Mass. I thought of Michelle and felt close to her- she was sick and in bed with cancer for almost a year and died on Christmas Day 2015. This small cross I felt I could connect with her.

 Looking back, I feel she chose me, (as the saying goes, you don't choose the Saint/Blessed etc. they choose you) and feeling inspired and encouraged by her faith, her mission, her service, her joy. Now she is a Servant of God, and on her way to becoming a saint! I want to remember to pray to her often. 

Pouring Forth

 I'm reminded of that time that I was invited to break away. Quite frankly, from everything that felt like it was sucking the life out of me. It truly was a feeling that I hadn't experienced in a while but was profound. Like when Jesus would get away early in the morning and find a quiet place and pray there by himself. Or when He would take someone away from the crowd, the noise, sharp opinions and distractions and heal them. 

That felt like me. I felt far away from the noise, distractions, and the sheer exhaustion of everyday working life, and could breathe fresh air, and see the city and town life down below, and with a large, open sky to speak to my restless heart. I unfortunately, forgot what it felt like to be in nature. 

I didn't realize that God would speak to me so effortlessly in little ways, as well as profound ways. Afterall, I was on a retreat for teens during their confirmation program. It was for them. But so many things hit home for me. For example, the loud, boisterous rainstorm that one night woke me up with the sensation of light piercing through my eyes and into the cabin, and the heavy wind that smacked against the windowpanes while the rain pattered continuously. I wasn't so much afraid, as I was inspired by scripture.

I was recalling the verse from Matthew 7:25 " And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat upon that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock." I also felt like the rain signified so many graces coming forward and being poured down on the parched earth and also felt parched and needed God's graces. 

There was a band that weekend that helped with providing a prayerful atmosphere during adoration, Mass on Sunday as well as learning praise and worship songs throughout the retreat. Though they felt more 'Christian/Protestant' I actually liked them since they were simple and felt meaningful to me and couldn't get them out of my head so on the beautiful drive home, passing the wineries and grape vineyards, I sang those songs from the heart, as well as the rest of the week. I even played one or two of them while I was driving during the week or on my run. It helped savor the special spiritual time from that weekend. 

During adoration one evening, the teens had time to pray and also received and opened their letters from their parents that were a surprise for them. They slowly started to cry, as I'm sure it was so touching for them. I also was crying and had tears in my eyes since I felt so deprived of prayer, of being in front of Our Lord in the Eucharist and realized how much was on my heart and this time of silence and prayer I needed. I read the readings for Mass during this time, and they spoke to me with words coming out and phrases to reflect upon. I didn't expect to be so touched during this time, as well as the teens were (and most of them said that was their favorite part of the retreat). 

The last remaining hours, we were cleaning and packing up. The other girls' cabin found out that they had a mouse scurrying around their cabin, so they came into my cabin with my group of girls so the head person could try and get it out. I don't know if it ever was successful, as I heard him moving bunkbeds while trying to capture the rodent with no success. 

Although it's a tiny mouse, it is fast, sneaky and maybe even smart. It came to my mind that it's like our sins. Maybe one or two sins we think are actually harmless, not a big deal. Like this mouse, how it was small, and could easily hide in a hole in the walls or something, but clearly it was fast, and hard to catch even with all the furniture being arranged differently. In the end, vices aren't that innocent after all and can do more to our souls over time if we're not watchful. 

God spoke to me in little and profound ways on this retreat. I felt so spiritually enriched, renewed and joyful at the end. Tired, yes, but grateful I was able to experience it. 

Morning Thoughts

 This morning, I was thinking of that shirt. It brings back memories from New Year's 2015. My sister and I bought the same shirt, as we loved the gold detailed design at the neck, the cut-out sleeves (cold shoulder), and the quarter sleeves with the same pretty gold design drizzled around the end of the sleeves. The shirt was white, and somewhat see through, so a Cami or tank top was a must. 

I remember wearing this all the time in the new year, though it was definitely a summer shirt, that we found in December, I think while trying to find the perfect outfit for our New Year's Eve event. I remember wearing it under my Kumon sweater at work, and letting the sleeves showcase their gold hue and making a casual look twice as fancy. (And to my mind, somehow making the job a little more interesting.) 

I remember my sister wore this shirt while on her visit to El Salvador with her now husband, which was actually perfect for the humid and tropical weather.  This shirt brought about inspiration, especially entering the new year, and closing out a difficult fall for me as a new student at my university. Fashion always seemed to do that for me. A new piece of clothing here, a new piece of jewelry there, it could make a cloudy, dreary day brighten just what I decided to wear and conjure up. 

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This morning, I was also thinking about Januarys. How the first month of the year is always special, exciting, full with bated breath and new resolutions and goals, crisp as ever like a dewy, chilly morning or an early winter snow glued to Christmas trees. I'm remembering how grateful I am to not be in a brand-new job or looking for one. 

I know how it is to send job application after job application attached with resume and such, and clawing for interviews. Not to mention, the constant unknown, of what would pan out and email exchanges at your side, and the ticking of your bank account needing some more funds. On top of adjusting to a new routine, tasks, coworkers, expectations with the new year just underway and still feeling fresh and new. 

There is of course some excitement and anticipation with it, but in my experiences, both times were rather hard and came out to be pretty awful jobs for me. I'm really glad to be on the other side, yet learned some valuable lessons along the way that have enhanced my learning and growth.