Hope Does Not Disappoint

Hope, it's what I've been thinking about lately, and how to incorporate it into my mind, heart, and my everyday. Hope is something that is intangible but so important since feeling hopeless is a heavy weight to bare. There are have been somethings that have helped me to enhance a brighter hope, and a confident one since a hope that is just wishful thinking isn't solid enough nor is it rooted in faith.

Upon exiting church after mass before I would head off to work (and really feeling I needed a lot of help and strength from Our Lady), I would pray the Memorare in front of the serene and peaceful image of Our Lady of Guadalupe at the back of the church. For the past few years at the end of that prayer, I always say in prayer, 'Our Lady of peace, hope and confidence, pray for us.' It just came to me 5 years ago when I went to daily mass more frequently and took it more seriously. I have continued saying that prayer ever since and believe it has worked and helped increase in my peace, hope and confidence.

These magnolia trees have been so beautiful, especially during this summer time. I always enjoy looking at them during my walks and runs in the still and warm but pleasant summer evenings. I am currently rereading the book, The Magnolia Story by Joanna and Chip Gaines. I stumbled upon this book a few years ago, and was inspired to read it again partly due to my niece loving them and their story to pieces. My niece left a few days ago from her trip here to California, and it was a pleasure to send time with her. Her exuberant energy, cheerfulness and spark for homemade crafts like baking and gardening and being in the company of those she loves was a joy.

At her age, I did not have the same energy she does and I hadn't even been on a plane. She is the same age I was when my oldest sister (her mom) got married. With my niece around and me being 'the big sister', tour guide and friend, it gave me a new perspective, a different one and a brighter one than I've had in a while. Her presence gave me a sense of hope in dealing with and processing the many things that I've experienced these past few months. And it was nice to witness a young girl's mind, and how she views the world and all its possibilities, opportunities, and adventures.

I've learned a little lesson while shopping today. In that, I really only wanted to buy what I found to be useful and have the gift of versatility. It's easy to purchase more than you need because its right in front of you, it's tempting and appealing and you're in the shopping mode for another whimsical excuse. The numerous array of shoppers could be a bit annoying, claustrophobic and even a little stuffy. But I was another one of them adding to the stuffiness and the heat of browsing around while getting drowsy, so I couldn't blame anyone else. I bought three items and without even noticing I dropped one of my own belongings, a sweater of mine that I happened to like (shown above). And I saw it as a way of letting go and becoming detached in a way, but if I don't find it in lost and found then I'll see it as a sign. Plus, I have three more pieces of clothing that I've added to my wardrobe for a positive reminder. :)

Life is full of surprises sometimes and little twists that can lead into inspiring turns. What gave me a sense of hope, inspiration and a deep connection was reading the creative and kindred spirit letters from my sister's old friend. Her friend and I didn't know each other too well, but the memories and descriptions I have of her are enough. And having those letters from their exchanges from a few years back helped me, and gave me hope due to the connection, and understanding of her. This was especially true when I was going through difficult moments in my job and knowing that she also had her fair share of hard and lonely moments in one of hers. I wear the bracelet that she made, and love the meaning behind it and its originality. It's comforting to know of people who are similar to you, and something you can connect with.

Since my birthday, this quote has been more and more relevant, beautiful, meaningful and full of hope for me from Jeremiah. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11). My sister has this verse displayed on a table to remind her to continue writing out inspiring verses to memorize and I find it encouraging that this one has gotten the limelight. My other sister gave me a daily prayer verse and on the cover is this bible verse. I'm going to keep on living and trusting on it, and be inspired, encouraged and filled with hope from His holy light.

Empowered By Wounds

I have known this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt for a while in its abbreviated form, "You must do the thing you think you cannot do." I have it on my bedroom wall, and I discussed it with some students of mine at one of my former jobs. It was relevant to me 2 years ago when I graduated from College as those were difficult and trying years, and it felt so rewarding to be able to relate with her quote, "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself; I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along... You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

 June 10th, 2017 was the day I graduated from my University and June 10th, 2019 was the day I proved enough courage, conviction and honesty. I was most afraid of leaving my job because it was scary to come to terms with what I actually thought and my true feelings. It was nerve wracking to articulate what I felt and believed and others know about it. It was scary because it wasn't part of the plan, my plan that I had for myself. I thought and dreamed that I would stay here for a year or more to gain enough experience and exposure and enjoy it and love it. Boy was I wrong. It was nothing close to how I imagined it to be. God threw another curve ball my way, and it was up to me to have the courage to face the reality and be okay and at peace about it. He was leading me in another direction that I hadn't anticipated or expected. I resonated with Eleanor Roosevelt's famous quote again, but in a new way I hadn't experienced before.

Throughout the few months I was at this job, I was able and lucky enough to go to daily mass before work. That was a huge blessing for me because I was battling so much when I entered those doors to my job and when I entered and they closed loudly behind me, I felt locked in for the day and needing all the help from God, Mary, the saints and my guardian angel. I would look at the cross, Jesus crucified while at Mass and feel I could connect in some ways to his sufferings and passion. My heart felt heavy in many moments before, while and even after work and many times from different people by feeling judged, persecuted and treated poorly for whatever reason. It made my heart ache. I only wanted and tried to unite this to Jesus and his pierced and sacred heart.

 I would often think of how I could be of service through my hands, feet and spirit. My hands and feet were in constant motion from wiping tables, handing out snack, changing diapers, playing soccer and basketball with the children, coloring and drawing for them, and rubbing their foreheads and backs in order for them to rest, relax and fall asleep. Some of these tasks made me reflect upon and even miss what my former schedule looked like. Wiping and cleaning tables reminded me of volunteering for senior citizens and serving them their lunches and cleaning up tables. Driving to work made me reflect on and miss my days as an ESL tutor because of the similar route to work, but also because of how fulfilled, useful, and happy I was and what a contrast it was for me.

I was very grateful to have spent quality time with my dear niece this past week while visiting us. I would have been working and tired and mostly unavailable but because I left my job when I did, I was able to enjoy this special time with her. My sister got sick for a few days last week and going through her own sufferings, and unknowns and I was able to attend to her needs. While massaging her hands and feet to help her relax, I couldn't help but realize that I was also attending to Jesus and his wounds in his hands and feet, and it brought me to tears.

This time of figuring out the next step, the road to take whether it be to stay on the one I'm already on or take the fork in the road has been interesting. I've also had to deal with my fair share of unknowns as well as healing from a painful and roller coaster experience. I've looked to what my heart, mind and intuition have been telling me as well as my real interest and passion. I am feeling a lot more at peace, excited and reassured for the next step and just trusting that God and the Holy Spirit will continue to guide and lead me on the way to where I'm meant to be.

Smelling Roses

Roses, white flowers are what I've been seeing lately. Every morning when I wake up I see the white and yellow roses from my bedroom from the rose garden outside. On my runs and walks I see many white roses and my favorite kind of trees with white flowers. They look tropical looking and I've begun to see them in different places. They especially remind me of last summer while I was a student and passing by them was always so lovely in the summer heat.

I recently bought fake flowers and though I love roses, I wanted something a little different so I got white lilies and I love them too! Some of my favorite saints hold them as they resemble purity and innocence. They saints include St. Joseph, St. Maria Goretti, St. Anthony of Padua with the Child Jesus, and St. Agnes to name a few.

While I was working at one of my former jobs, passing by the white roses in the bushes before entering work always helped me think of Our Lady and the Rosary and just feeling uplifted. At another job I also would look to the pretty white roses in bushes when passing by car and think of how I got through days at the past work place. This past May I was so bad at praying the Rosary, but I want to make more time and be more intentional about it. While praying it we can think they we are giving Mary roses and other kinds of beautiful flowers. I've heard accounts of people who have smelt the aroma of roses while praying the Rosary and knowing that she is close by.

Roses are significant to me too as the month of June is the rose flower and its my birthday month. My lunch bag happens to be of roses and I'm reminded of Our Lady. Jesus was pierced with the crown of thorns in his head before being crucified and I feel that we have to endure a crown of thorns before we can appreciate a bed of roses.

I plan to create roses or other types of flowers from tissue paper and it seems like an  interesting and creative activity. This past week I finished painting upon my last shirt that I designed. On all three of them I have drawn flowers and roses and specifically this one since I formed it around Our Lady of Guadalupe and the image of the tilma strewn so many beautiful roses when Juan Diego opened it. Mary walks with us on our journey of faith and helps us draw closer to Jesus, not taking away from it. Every morning I say a prayer to Our Lady of Confidence and want to grow in devotion o her. Mother Mary, help me to love and trust you more, be with me always!

A Creative Mess

My room is a mess to say the least. It has books strewed in a corner, piled and stacked like dominoes about to tumble, spill and fill up space, minds and inspiration. I have yet to work with and handle tissue paper and wrap and structure it like a rose. I bought fake flowers today- lilies and red and blue daisies or something of the sort to fill my decorated Quaker oats vase with pretty flowers that are always fresh. The other night, my dresser almost fell all the way over because of too many shelves open and an unbalanced weight which caused practically everything that had been on my dresser that was dusty, random and waiting for my use fell over. All of my recent Arabic flashcards paraded the floor and I couldn't help think of the symbolism.

These past few weeks have been interesting. It's been an emotional ride, and a heavy weight to lift with a limited amount of inspiration to throw in the mix. My studies of Arabic have been put on hold or decreased with a less intense passion than before which is okay because it's a sign of maturity, growing and room for the next endeavor. I feel like my heavy dresser with many things piled on top that have to wait which include hobbies, goals, future interests and starting and continuing with creative projects. The way the Arabic cards splashed on my not so recently vacuumed carpet depicted how my heart felt, I guess my internal being just knew or felt called to let go of Arabic in a way I never knew before. It has been such a connecting force in my life for 3 years and have shaped the way I think, and other revolving interests and even helped cure my loneliness and dark moments in the past. But something is changing and perhaps a new chapter, a new outlook and a new language and other things to embrace on the side are developing.

This weekend has been wet and rainy and perfect for coffee shops, indoor activities and rain walks. Yesterday on my walk/run, I realized how much I needed to get out and get some fresh air and exercise after a busy and tiring week. Light purple roses caught my attention, and the beauty of a Saturday morning couldn't have felt more relaxed. How much I felt in my element, inspired and in tune with myself. My long hair would soon be cut and these past 6 months since it has grown out will no longer be with me. And 6 months ago my dear nephew was born and life has been going quickly. Santiago's little personality is shining through more and more and his interests in new things excites him and his optimistic personality and smile is a gift to the world, and to me. I can't wait to see and hold him again.

This week I want and I will try to say yes to more prayer time, more time to allow for creativity and inspiration to reign, relaxation, laughter, language learning and other things that I can't think of now but will come later.

To the Cross, To Joy

"Love comes in the shape of a cross." This was a reflection from last week and it came on a hard day that made me realize suffering is a gift and that there's a deeper meaning behind it. Holy week felt like its own purification for me and honestly, I missed when I could really prepare for Ester more and have more time for prayer and reflection but God was showing me something different this time and instead of just reflecting on his cross, to give me my own which felt hard, heavy and very unlikely for me continue carrying it alone without his grace.

The Gospel from last Wednesday was about betrayal and how Judas bought the price of his betrayal for an equivalent of $500. Not only is this heartbreaking to hear as we relive the story leading up to Jesus' crucifixion and death, but also how much it can play in our own lives. We are all sinners and like Peter, have denied Christ through our actions, selfishness and sin. The priest on Wednesday said that we need to pray for those souls who are needing God's mercy because Jesus wold have forgiven Judas if Judas was open to his divine healing and merciful heart.

That Wednesday was an internally hard day where I felt I was caving in in my thoughts and many things were frustrating and challenging for me. I tried to pray when there were slow periods throughout the day and remembered part of the Divine Mercy Chaplet. It felt like I was going in circles or getting lost at the what part I was on but maybe it could be of use. As I was driving back to work from my lunch break, I heard the speaker on Catholic Radio say, 'you don't know how you are helping souls when praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet, you are saving souls.' This convicted me and gave me more encouragement to not loose sight of those in need through my prayer, even if it was distracted.

Now that we are in the Easter season, I want to take heart in the joy, goodness and beauty of this special time in the Church. Yesterday was such a joyous day not only because of Easter but also because my dear nephew was baptized. The weather was beautiful, the gathering with family was special and precious and the Mass celebration was done by my favorite priest in his native tongue. The church was St. Mary's and it's become more familiar to me throughout the summer and fall when my dear sister was pregnant with her baby boy. So many changes were happening inside of her and a lot of things were changing internally for me in a maturity and spiritual kind of way. The days were long, slow and hot and my sister was waiting and waiting for her son to be born and I was waiting and waiting for the next chapter in my life to begin- work, and steady schedule and income.

Yesterday, some of those memories came back to me and I thank God for all that happened, though it was hard and thrust with suffering moments. But the suffering is still there at times but just in a different way. Easter is about the celebration, joy and trust in salvation, in new life and Jesus' conquer over death. My nephew was born into the Church yesterday and cleansed of sin. Jesus rose from the dead and may we all rejoice in this Paschal mystery, mindful of Jesus' promise, love and mercy.

Holding on to Palms

It's Palm Sunday, the start to Holy Week and its hard to believe as this Lenten season has gone by pretty quickly. Today we received palms as a symbol of the celebration of Jesus coming into Jerusalem and proclaiming that He is the Messiah. The week has a quick turn of events as we know with the Last Supper and capturing of Jesus on Holy Thursday, Jesus' carrying of the cross, crucifixion and death on Good Friday, mourning on Holy Saturday and the Resurrection on Easter.

The priest reflection at Mass today highlighted the point of the palm and the crucifix go hand and hand and can nicely fit with one another. I have put my palm branch through the cross with Jesus on it as it sets a remembrance of Jesus' victory and triumph over death. Yesterday, while praying at 40 days for the vigil, I had always noticed the big palm tree hanging over the side walk and it has brought a good amount of shade in the heat. But I realized the symbolism with it with today being Palm Sunday and yesterday being the last day of prayer for 40 days during this Lenten season. Jesus journeyed into Jerusalem with all praising him and the devout pro-lifers have been on this journey throughout Lent praying to end abortion, convert hearts and minds and have Planned Parenthood close down. Jesus had palms overhanging and waving over him while riding on his donkey, and we too have the palms hanging over us and giving us the symbol of life and victory over the culture of death.

I couldn't help but think of our own journeys in life, and not forgetting that God is with us every step of the way. I had really good quality time with my dear sister yesterday and God met us in a pizza parlor talking about things that are particularly difficult and challenging in our lives at the moment. A little over a year ago, I felt so unfamiliar with my sister and her husband's new place and had missed their old apartment and scenery, and the newness and unfamiliarity was uncomfortable not to mention all the other changes and uncertainties I was facing at that time. But wherever my sister is, that is home and I know that God is right there with us too, embracing us, encouraging us, and guiding us on our walk of faith and journey of life.

As I was driving home, the road was clear and dark and I could only imagine that God is walking ahead leading the way. I was listening to a Catholic Radio program and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I felt encouraged and enlightened listening to the words of God has a plan for our lives and has reasons for our suffering in that something good will always come of it and we have to trust Him through it. He will never abandon us and loves us deeply. This has encouraged more to walk with Jesus even more closely, especially during this time of Holy Week. To walk with Him in suffering, uncertainty, joys and worries and to know that he has conquered the world. Happy Holy Week, and may we be brought closer to Him.

Keeping Away From Boredom

Boredom, it can be one of the most deadliest things to experience. I think it can come about in different seasons and phases in life. I was thinking about it yesterday when the Deacon who gave the reflection and communion service spoke about being half way through Lent and perhaps getting bored and complacent. We may need to change things up and take note of how we are doing. 3 weeks ago was Ash Wednesday and the start of Lent and three weeks from now is Holy Week and Good Friday.

To help boost my inspiration, positivity and creative mindset in the evening and in the early morning, I sometimes listen to a CD that I created last Spring. It brings me back to a year ago and how things were blooming and flourishing, and not just the flowers. I was enjoying, learning and progressing in my ECD classes and knowledge, I loved my students and was seeing their progress and enjoyment in my lessons, I was able to make time for Mass and adoration throughout the week, I was keeping up with my Arabic study and language learning, and reading and finishing books were a source of inspiration that was overflowing.

To summarize, I was anything but bored and was keeping things interesting, thanks due to my varied schedule. As the saying goes, variety is the spice of life. To get back to this CD, one of the audios is from Ben Curtis who is the co-creator of Notes in Spanish. I love his perspective on life and his way of thinking and innovation. While playing this CD, I can hear his voice and his optimism when he talks about 'The Extraordinary Boring Life'. He talks about instead of always looking for excitement in life especially when life starts becoming more ordinary and monotonous, to look for extraordinary in the simple, everyday parts and moments of life. Hearing his message never gets old no matter how much I've heard it and I can now almost memorize it.

On a personal note, I know what Ben Curtis is saying when life may seem boring or monotonous. Since working full time, it has been difficult finding the variety and time for creating interesting things everyday. It's not only hard because it's not easy to find energy, motivation, and time for but also because it's an adjustment to what I'm used to. However, my need and desire for a creative outlet, and something to call my own lies deep and I must find the time and energy to do so. This is not only pertaining to outside of work but within it also. For example, listening to a child longer, laughing and joking with them and bonding with them in some way, reading a story to a child/ren, playing a game with them and allowing them to teach me, using my Chinese, drawing an airplane for one and writing 'I love you' for another in cursive writing. Sometimes these children get bored, and perhaps I do too with the motions and instead try to stop, reflect and think of how I can improve and make things interesting and more me!

 To keep my mind going and my spiritual realm alive admist chaos, noise and a large sum of patience needed throughout the work day, I try to recall words I know in Arabic, praying the memorare prayer when I feel I need the graces at that moment, and thinking of Jesus in the Eucharist not so far away and the beautiful image of Our Lady of Guadalupe that I prayed to in front of this morning and every morning for divine intervention and specific graces. In all, making time for inspiration and a creative outlet, a positive mindset and a zest for learning, improvement and making things interesting is what I want to keep on doing and striving for. This spring break will be anything but boring and everything fun, interesting and extraordinary!

Let the Fish Swim

Last night, I made a video about how to say fish, my fish, and different ways of cooking fish in Arabic. It has a relationship to this blog here hence it's called samakti (samakte, pronounced samakatee) which means my fish. In the Why Samakti section, I explain the metaphorical meaning behind the name and how I came up with it. And if you haven't read it, in a nutshell it pertains to the dealings and the process of struggles and sufferings and letting the growth form the goodness, joy as well as perseverance and resilience.

The fish that I call my own and am holding now is transitioning to the work place. It's been 3 weeks in, wohoo! And it's flown by so far, but just because it's gone by quickly in retrospect doesn't mean it's all been a breeze. Transitioning to the world of work is its own uphill battle and I knew that before starting but one doesn't really know until they are in the thick of it, you know? I've been taking it day by day, hour by hour and forming my work into prayer and offering up pieces of it when I remember and can think straight. I've been blessed with a job, with a place to learn and grow from that is very convenient in distance and overall a good place. But there are still challenges and nothing is perfect or always easy. I wake up early to set a time for prayer and intentions to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, my favorite saints, and scripture to inspire, strengthen and help prepare me for the day ahead. I also am blessed to go to daily Mass which has also strengthened and uplifted me and to give everything to God.

The Gospel for Mass yesterday was very relevant to how I was feeling. The Gospel was about Jesus telling his disciples that if they were to follow Him they must pick up their cross daily, deny themselves and follow Him. I knew my cross was starting the day out right and going to work when it felt heavier. The wonderful priest who gave the Mass yesterday is always cheerful and vibrant and we now acknowledge each other and he always makes time to greet others with a smile.

After praying in front of Our Lady of Guadalupe image and about to exit the Church, I turned and the from a distance the cheerful priest waved with a smile and said, "Have a good day, okay!" It felt like he knew in my heart of what I was carrying and I felt that God touched my heart through the priest's words and optimism. It brought tears to my eyes and I wiped them away as I went to my car and took a few moments to dry them away. I only wanted to stay longer in the Church and pray, contemplate on the on the past few months and all that has happened, all that I experienced and grown through and to just be.

I missed the days when I had more free time and could volunteer, feel more like myself and feed the elderly who were lonely and feel at home. But that was then and God has placed me here in His own timing and knows what He will do with it just like he used all the hard, lonely and uncertain times for a greater good and purpose. Nothing is wasted, He can use anything and He used my teardrops to trust in Him more, and to continue again and again. Saint Juniperro Serra said something along the lines of, "Always forward, never back" and I think that's a good way to be present to what God is revealing to you. So the fish I have now will not feel as slimy or awkward but will bloom with the season and become punctured with lime and spices (as was written in one of my short stories) and swim with the school of fish, and the school of life!

The Places On The Map

This book has become my favorite of Dr. Seuss. It's appropriate as today is his birthday. It's a fun book, with lots of twists and turns literally and metaphorically. It's known to be for graduates and I remember my older brother asking for it for his college graduation.

I read and looked through this book a few weeks after my college graduation and felt the instant connection with all the places I'll go. When I was a private English tutor, I read this to my students and explained the funny, quirky and intricate rhyming language and had them explain their own journey and challenges. Now working in a Preschool, I've been reading it to the children and think about the journey, the process, the struggle, and the highs and lows and the waiting of it all to get to this point. When I read it to them, I sing the words- Oh the Places You'll Go!:) It's been a journey to have the job that I have now, and all the in between.

My time as an unemployed person was a journey all it's own that I will never forget and will always be grateful for. Even while I was still working as a Tutor, I felt the very real challenges and painful seasons of waiting for the next step, figuring it out and being patient and hopeful for it all. It all started simmering in the early Summer when my schedule changed, and things were changing inside me. I felt differently about my work and knew I was maturing and growing in a new way that was uncomfortable and somewhat scary. I had more time on my hands and unlike the Winter and Spring, I wasn't as busy or distracted with a variety of things, and this was hard and quite challenging. I felt ready for something new but not fully, and kept telling myself what was eventually to come but again not fully ready, or sure.

I spent a lot of time alone which I see as a blessing now but it was actually quite painful with not enough stimulation. I tried to create variety in my schedule, and make things interesting and engaging. I think I learned a lot about myself, and grew deeper in my faith, trust and trying to live in the present moment. I also have beautiful memories of this time. Sometimes beauty can also be found in the painful, and not so pleasant moments because they can teach us so much as well as more about who we are and how we deal with things. This season was all to help prepare me for an even harder and lonelier season to come.

In the Fall, there were many struggles and most of it pertained to not having a job, waiting to apply to jobs and finishing up my classes. And again, figuring out how to use all the time I had. When I told people that I was going to become a Preschool teacher, I got positive feedback stating that I would be great and they could really see me as one. This really helped me and encouraged me, and nice to know that others could believe in me and see in me something that I could easily doubt in myself.

 There were so many days of preparing myself for the next step, enjoying the free moments, yet also feeling the weight of my specific cross at that time. Every morning during my morning prayer, I would pray to St. Joseph and Venerable Fulton J Sheen for my future job and to help prepare me. I would put my doubts, my worries and my trust in their intercessions. And praying to Our Lady of Sorrows, I knew she would also intercede for me because one of her 7 promises are 'I will console them in their pains, and I will accompany them in their work'.

I truly feel that God and my favorite saints have answered my prayers and prepared me for now with all of the crosses that were sent my way. I'm in a new season now that has it's own challenges and learning curves, but I am very grateful for these past moments and all that I have learned. I look forward to all the places I'll go!!

The Internal World

Our inner selves are a mystery. We cannot see them but it can shape our being and our decisions as well as influence the world around us. Our hearts, our minds, our souls are internal and play a big role in our lives, our thoughts, our personalities, our creativity and our spiritual lives. As I mentioned in a former post, last month was no walk in the park. I felt and was suffering internally and with the annoyances of job situations as well as the unknown and uncertainties of everything. The sky was gloomy and I felt like it too. I didn't know that my TB would be positive as well as my blood test. With going back and forth for health paperwork, I became so exhausted, frustrated and impatient with how everything was unfolding. I had to get a chest x-ray and I was very relieved and happy to find out that there were no issues with my lungs. Now I know that I was exposed to some form of TB and grateful at least for the time being that it hasn't taken over my internal organs, and can look to the saints who had and died because of TB~ Blessed pier Giorgio Frassati, Saint Therese of Lisieux and Saint Gemma Galgani to name a few.

What a surprise, and I felt that I was bombarded with surprises from God. I thought, 'Wow God you are really pushing me out of my comfort zone and how uncomfortable it is, and didn't you know that I dislike surprises?' But as I am learning, God is always shaping us and wanting us to mold into who he wants us to be and being and always staying comfortable isn't one of them. As I was to go into the health clinic once again, (which felt like the 15th time in the past 6 weeks) I ran into an old friend whom I lost touch with a few years back. Another surprise that literally jolted me inside and feeling unprepared for the day let alone unprepared for a surprise appearance made it very difficult to continue living in the present and living in peace. My heart knew more than my head how to respond and sometimes there aren't any words just a deep intuitive feeling about everything.

I was surprised with yet another experience, and not my favorite which pertains to health. I learned that I need to cut my sugar levels low and beyond low than I imagined was necessary. I've always been the sweet tooth and can relate with others who are fond of sweets and desserts. I've never seen myself as a health nut and never appreciated those that were proud of it but in my own sense I've learned to become one because I have to and I want to care about my diet more and overall be more aware of what I'm eating. Luckily, it's been easier than I thought it would be and find that it's a habit like most things. Another internal mystery that I would have never really known.

I can't help but associate the internal with the spiritual and the Sacrament of Confession. It is a very healing and transforming sacrament and experience. It's worth the long waits in line or feeling nervous and it's a plus if you go to a great priest. After going to confession, my car didn't start. I knew it was having some trouble but it was inconsistent. I felt healed and cleansed internally but clearly my car had internal issues and would be parked at the church for some time which is a better place than most places to not have your car working. Very luckily, my dear brother-in-law was able to figure out the problem and fix it and show me how as well.

One of my favorite priests at a local parish says the most reverent Masses, and his messages and peaceful and prayerful presence stay with me. Last week while saying a Mass, he accidentally dropped the host after the consecration and I could sense that something happened. He gave an anecdote about falling and sliding before celebrating a qinceanera and how all the people there were laughing at him. He was in a lot of pain and with a lot of strength got up and said to them 'It's okay, you can keep laughing. I'm sure when Jesus fell people were laughing at him.' And then he said how the people listening started to cry instead. He related this back to how Jesus fell on the floor when he accidentally dropped him and how we all fall because of sin in our own lives but Jesus redeems and lifts us up. Wow, I really loved his connection and although we cannot see Jesus, He is there present in the Host and He spiritually feeds us. What another great internal and spiritual mystery!

Our internal being reveals a part of ourselves that the external cannot, it has its own. I feel that I have learned more my interior in various facets, and to not disregard it but continuing listening and respecting it. God speaks to us in many ways. I think a main way for me is through my intuition and my internal self, so I should continuing trusting in that.

The Former Years, The Blooming Years

One doesn't often think of their childhood and the world happenings and culture at that time until one reads about another. This came to me while reading a book about Former First Lady, Laura Bush's life. I never knew a lot about the First Lady. Her and her husband's time in office was when I was in 2nd grade. I always associated class, refinement, commitment and Christianity to the Bush's Presidency. Now that I'm reading and learning more about Laura Bush, I'm also learning about the time period in which she grew up in which were the 1950's and 60's.

Yesterday evening my sister and I went to a young woman spiritual book club. I had never been to one of these before and somehow felt leery of  a kind of group gathering. I've tried numerous spiritual groups, bible studies and it never felt quite like a fit or something that I wanted to keep coming back to. Yesterday felt different though. It was at a girl's house which made it inviting, intimate, and welcoming. My social life has felt so stagnant and dry for a while. A vast, dry desert is what I tend to think of and the rain and greenery is what I wanted and needed but didn't know how or where to begin. An enjoyable gathering and a great discussion and openness filled the room with the cat of the house looking in through window. It felt like Spring came early with the room blooming with faith filled discussions, joy, hope and generous ears. I couldn't help but think that one of the girls there looked familiar maybe from Middle school. I felt like my mind was depicting the exact grade where I could have seen this person. I asked her but it seemed like there was no prior familiarity.

I decided to look at that 8th grade yearbook anyway. I don't usually look at my yearbooks, and I can't remember the last time I peered through this one. All of a sudden, I was brought back in time like I was reliving my 14 year old self again. I feel very glad that I am not let alone a middle school student. Memories flooded back of that school year. Of course, I can't recall every detail but I can remember some main events. I remember my class mates and trying to find out who my friends were amid friend drama and disappointments. I remember the teachers I had, the hard and daunting ones and just the overall normal and fine teachers and classes that were expected. I can remember the lively times in choir and the not so enjoyable ones in English due to my newbie teacher who had his own quirks. I remember my first foreign language class that year, French with Madame Ottoway and singing a solo for my Promotion.

All in all, my memory brought forth that it was a challenging and growing year and finding my place within friendships, transitions and school. I couldn't help but think of my classmates and where are some of them now after a little over a decade. I was comparing this time to Laura Bush's growing up years. When I was in 8th grade there were certain trends and fashions such as the iPod, and cell phones were pretty new, but overall things were more simpler than now. There were no social media outlets and technology wasn't as advanced or modern. Girls had a certain style with their fashion and hair just like Laura Bush's time r any other. There were popularity contests and though I didn't win any of them, Laura Bush won best smile.

It got me thinking that the people I used to know from those days, the people in my past are living in our modern world with our modern day problems, issues and events leading our times. Yesterday at Mass, the priest talked about and mentioned the harmful things our country and world are going through. It was good to hear in an open setting in a priest's homily and I wish all priests were more open and comfortable talking about topics that are more controversial or at times uncomfortable. We need to hear and be reminded as well as lead in this way. Perhaps I should pray for those afflicted with certain struggles who may even include my former classmates, as we all have in our own way, in our sins, brokenness and imperfection.

The days of 8th grade, Middle School, popularity, awkward transitions, first pimples and crushes and loud bus rides are over and gone like the passing of dust in the desert. Our world and time is passing away but God is constant. He knows our past, present and future and has it all in His hands. The modern trends, the fitting in to certain groups, the awkward dances and disappointments with no one asking you to dance, the ambiguous friendships and social groups have all passed away and are like a blink in the amount of time, shut away in a dusty yearbook. I'm looking forward to continue reading about the Former First Lady, Laura Bush, strive to grow more in character and faith and create new friendships.