A Reminder From the Fish

This year has had an interesting start. It's already shared its own growing pains, discernment, and deeper thoughts. Contemplating my younger brother who didn't live after a day of being born due to his own health complications has got me thinking about him more, as his birthday and death date come around in the next month. I think about how his presence in my life would have changed me, strengthened me, renewed me and shaped me in different ways that I can't fully imagine or comprehend. Working with students with their own special needs on varying levels and seeing other students around campus with higher needs makes me think of him, who is my little brother, my angel, and my family's guide when looking to heaven, for he is guiding us all.

There have been many thoughts also as to where's the next step for me. It's an interesting place to be of not sure where the road ahead leads and which one to take if that. There are options, ideas, hopes, and sometimes a blank space, an empty canvas. I can focus a lot on the present, but when I look to the future I become scared and unsure, and not always wanting to think about it. But looking towards it forces me to plan ahead, and create something, and become invested and excited.

While in college as well as post-grad, there has been plenty of room and experiences for innovation and making something my own. At times I can feel like a pro of attempting or trying to entertain and preoccupy myself since it didn't always feel like there were many options, or options that peaked my interest. There's been a lot of solo journeys, mostly inside my head as to how to make a situation better. These almost 3 years of post-grad have taught me a lot as well as similar but also very different from what my own experiences in college did.

 One of the similar things from college and now is my high interest and passion is for international related things. I still am curious, interested and wanting to keep up my language learning and studies, as I have branched out from my Chinese studies in college. My major and main focus was international studies, and this still interests me today, whether it be historical, geographical, cultural, or even economical; my mind and my heart still move towards this, still pawing and researching for more. More books based on it, a news article or clip, a language book, a book about someone experiencing language or culture immersion, or learning from someone going abroad themselves for various reasons and learning and gaining a whole new experience, vantage point, and many other things in the process.

With all of these thoughts, reflections and discernments on my heart, I can continue to put full hope, and trust in God's guidance and hand in all things, for he puts the stirrings on my heart, desires I never knew I had but prayed for. He has a plan that is beautiful, wonderful, completely in his hands, his timing, and in his way.

I have yet to learn Sign language (another language:)), and want to converse with a dear friend of mine and also know it is very useful. On Sunday, I will (finally) take a jewelry making class with my tow dear sisters. I have wanted for a long time to learn how to make my own jewelry and wear it. :) I also have yet to get back into water color, and make my own stationary. There have been various to-do lists in my head, whether small or big to accomplish and check off or enjoy and rejuvenate while in the process.

While babysitting my sweet nephew last weekend, we went to a near by lake area and saw the nice fish with different colors swim around. My nephew was so intrigued by them, and I was too. It's not common I see fish, let alone big and bright colored ones like some of those. I rarely cook fish, but maybe more now once Lent starts up. As this blog of mine depicts fish in the name, (and the main roots and foundations of how and why this blog started in the first place relate to some thing mentioned earlier), I couldn't help but think what it means reflecting back on those fish that my nephew and I saw together. The metaphor that I give it here on this blog gives me a sense of encouragement and hope to not doubt or become dreary but to continue 'swimming' and seeking that inspiration, enlightenment, and joy even amidst the pain, unknowns and suffering. So, that's what I will continue to try and do, as this season has its own lessons to learn, along with the helpful reminder of the fish, and of course, with the grace of God.

Grateful for These 10 Years..

I have been inspired to think about this past decade. The beginning of the year can call for reflection on the year before as well as the past 9, as we turn a new year and decade! I was also inspired by my dear sister's post regarding this topic. So much happened for her in these past 10 years, the highlights, the low points, difficult as well as beautiful and joyful times. I also wanted to reflect and look back on these years for me. :)


2009: The big moments that stuck out for me were playing JV basketball for my high school. It was a very good yet hard experience. I learned a lot, grew a lot, and learned more about basketball, and playing as a team. I also learned more how to manage my time and the commitment and time constraints of a sport. I was proud to receive the Most Improved Award at the end of the season. In mid January, my sister and I were confirmed at St. Micheal's. I chose my dear sister as my confirmation sponsor, and chose my confirmation saint, St. Maria Goretti who is the patroness of youth and purity. That summer, the 4 of us sisters made a day trip to San Jose and stopped by our dad's childhood neighborhood. :)

Confirmation day

2010: I can recall a lot of things that happened this year. I was starting my Junior year in high school that Fall and I could tell the responsibilities heightened, not to mention the noise and excitement of being an upperclassmen were also real. My classes were difficult, and seeing my four dear older sisters all leave within one week of each other to start their own journeys was very painful and hard. I had always had a sister at home and it was an adjustment to get used to without them. This was also during the time when my dear sister was in Italy studying abroad. I would think of her often, and always count the 9 hours ahead to know what time it was for her there. I would always look forward to her creative handwritten letters in the mail, and email, as well as Skype calls! I also started writing letters to my dear older brother who lived in Southern California, and writing and receiving snail mail from him was enjoyable, as our friendship blossomed.

I had the privilege, and opportunity of being President for the Students for Life Club that my sister and I had restarted. Just like basketball, it was a great learning experience but very difficult and learned I was not a natural leader or group person. That summer, I helped out with my oldest sister's day camp in Santa Maria just like the summer prior. Also that summer, my three older sisters and I drove up to Ashland, where our cousin lived and visited her for a few days.

2011: This year was exciting as it was the year I graduated high school, and learn and grow in friendships. A few days after graduation, I made the quick decision of attending a program in LA called Lights, Camera, Action. I'm really glad I did it, and met other catholic girls, and see famous sights in the area that I always heard about. I will always remember that trip! That Fall, I started College at a local Junior College. There was a lot of growth that Fall adjusting to a new school and requirements, but I turned it over into inspiration and created a writing blog (inspired by my dear sister) that November.

2012: This was an inspiring time, as I was getting more adjusted at school and with my classes and especially enjoying my English classes. I met more people and joined Student Government on campus as a student senator. This was a highlight for me as I got more in touch with my school, the students and meeting more people and feeling more apart of my campus. I learned a lot and really blossomed with this new and exciting experience.

I also have good memories of visiting my sister in Sacramento by train, and meeting her boyfriend, and going to a swing dancing event. In February, my mom, sister and I started a Theology of the Body class and enjoyed learning and our out to lunch excursions at Nations. During spring break, my younger brother, my mom and dad and I went to Alexandria to visit my oldest sister and her family and saw parts of D.C., and also found our her 2nd baby was a girl. In the summer, I took my dear sister's old job at Kumon after she left for Italy and worked a lot that summer. I got to see Lake Tahoe for the first time with Meghan and Colin, their friend and my mom and dad.

2013: This was another eventful year, one full of excitement and opportunities. In the spring, I ran for Vice President for Student Government. It was a very busy time with campaigning, working at Kumon, classes, and getting ready for my sister's wedding. I was also inspired again with short story writing, and submitted a short story for my college anthology and got accepted! It was cool to read my story in front of a small audience for the anthology gathering. I also got the courage to give blood for the first time and found out my blood type- AB positive. My sister got married at the end of April, and my four other sisters and a friend were the bridesmaids. I remember catching the bouquet:) It truly was a family wedding, as it had been 9 years since my oldest sister got married. In the summer, our cousin got married and my mom, dad and younger bother and I were able to make it to Ashland and be with extended family and relatives. I started learning German (inspired by my cousin and our family roots). We visited Chico and the University on the way home.

Bridal Shower

2014: At the beginning of the year, I was inspired to start learning Mandarin Chinese and was surprised by how quickly I was able to learn and pick it up. In the spring, my dear sister and I did the Color Run together, and we were training throughout the winter months. It was a really fun experience and especially getting decked out in color! I donated my hair for Pantene as I had wanted to do that for a long time. Later that spring, I graduated from my Junior College with an AA, and continued to work throughout the summer and prepare for my University at Cal State East Bay. It was an exciting and new experience to transfer and start a new college, but also one that was very challenging as it was very different than my prior experience. I was interested in joining Student Government and easily got a high position, but decided it wasn't the right fit or time for me. It was a quarter that was full of growth and learning.

Right before donating

2015: Winter quarter started and I felt ready to make it better than the last quarter. I was getting more into my Chinese studies and thinking of ways to make my experience better and get involved. I questioned if English literature was the right major for me, and later that quarter changed my major from English to International Studies and declared a minor in Chinese language and cultural studies. My Chinese professor recommended me for a Chinese Language Competition in San Francisco and helped me write and edit a script. It was cool to see other Chinese language learners just as passionate as me about the language.

That summer my brother got married in LA, I left my job at Kumon applied to In-n-out and got the job. It was an experience unlike any other, with its fast past loud environment. I now know how to make a neopalatin shake and put an order in for a double double or any thing on the secret menu. During that time, my dear sister was in El Salvador for 2 months visiting her boyfriend (soon to be fiance and now husband) and his family. I missed her a lot but our frequent Viber texts, emails and Skype calls helped with the distance. In the Fall and Winter, I stated attending Catholic ministry events from the group my sister was inspired to start. I also was questioning my travels abroad to Taiwan and my job status.

2016: At the beginning of the year, I started English Freelance tutoring with local clients. My experience in tutoring at Kumon really helped with this and my dream job had come true and making it my own. The number of clients kept growing and they were all Chinese so this also helped my language and cultural studies. My sister and I had more time together with ministry events as the group expanded and became more official. I started learning Arabic on my own and started this blog! (which was named  'Plum Tree' before). That summer I got accepted into the study abroad program linked with my college campus and went to Rio de Janerio for 2 weeks. I learned some Portuguese and saw beautiful and amazing sights and ate very delicious food. I didn't feel homesick but it was a very busy itinerary and felt exhausted by the end of it. Overall, it was a great experience!

 My dear sister got married in El Salvador in August and I, my sister, mom and dad had the privilege of being able to attend their beautiful wedding and witness their vows to one another. It was a very special day, and the strong humidity and rain was a sight! In the Fall, they had their reception here and I was the maid of honor and gave my toast. This was a difficult year internally, a lot of inner and spiritual growth. At the end of the year, my dear sister and Salvador and I did a road trip across the coast and saw a couple missions, and slept over in Pismo Beach and on NYE, Santa Barbara. It was a very special way to end the year with two special people. :)

2017: It started out as a hard Winter with my last 2 quarters as a student. But I tried to keep up the inspiration with learning how to sew a shirt, making English videos on You tube, writing and finishing a short story, and attempting to take an Arabic language class. I also became more interested and invested in Middle Eastern cuisine and cooking. The summer paved way into college graduation which was a very exciting, warm June day filled with emotion because of the long journey. I continued tutoring and worked at day camp/ after school program where I had my own classroom of 5th graders for the summer. I was also able to go on a 4 day Jesuit retreat in Ocean Side at the San Luis Rey Mission. Before graduation, I had the pleasure of getting involved with volunteer work at a local senior center and serving Senior citizens their lunches. I felt more fulfilled than I had in a long time. In the Fall, I received more tutoring clients than I had before and was enjoying Freelance work and making videos for Arabic.

2018: At the beginning of the year, I started my ECD classes. It was very interesting to learn about this field and be a student again at my alma mater. In the spring we had the opportunity to travel to Canada with Elisabeth and Salvador and bebe in womb because of Salvador's work conference. It was so beautiful and special to see parts of Vancouver and Victoria, as well as so many Starbucks on every other block:) It was a slow summer with one ECD class, and less tutoring clients. Mom, dad, Elisabeth, and Salvador and I went to the Fair and especially enjoyed the animals and the warm heat that day. :) The Fall was beautiful but raw emotion. 3 babies were born in 2 months in the family and exciting to meet the little ones. There was a lot of patience, waiting and unknowns.

Susie's bday!

2019: In January, it started out rough with many unknowns about job applications, and learning about my latent TB after many medical visits. I landed a full time job at a lovely preschool where my dear sister had worked a couple years prior. It was a great experience in that it taught me a lot about myself, my strengths and the beauty of young children as well as the demanding parts. It was a very difficult time and adjusting to a lot and not feeling fully settled. I had the privilege of being able to attend daily Mass before work which was a huge blessing.

I had an open summer that was full of discernment, healing, and lots of praying and thinking after a difficult job experience. I studied and passed the English CBEST,  Isabel visited for a week and spent quality time with her. Enjoyed camping at Bass Lake and seeing Yosemite. In September, I stared working at a local high school in the realm of Special Education and have been enjoying it thus far. In the Fall, finished writing 2 short stories (sequels to the other one), started learning Hebrew and visited San Raphael Mission during Christmas time. Had a lovely NYE and New Years with Elisabeth, Salvador and Santiago and watched Coco and stayed up past midnight playing games. It was a great way to ring in the New Year!

2020: Welcome to this new year and new decade! Ran the Hot Chocolate Run 5k along with Susie, and Steven and Ali ran the 15k. It was a very chilly winter morning, but a great achievement. So far it's been good with keeping up exercise challenge, learning Hebrew, and most importantly trusting in God and His plans for this new year and decade ahead!

What a decade it has been, and interesting to look back on! I am thankful for all that has happened, so much to be grateful for! I hope you enjoyed reading and getting this far:) Cheers to the next post, year, and decade!

A Beautiful Plan

A few days ago, I was looking through my collage and creative scrapings as I like to call it. I came across a half part of a card that I kept that reads, 'God has a beautiful plan for your life.' It made me think about this year ahead and all that God has in store. I came to think about a year ago and what God was doing. I can recall a year ago today, January 7th, the feast of St. Raymond of Penafort and going to that church. I felt so sad inside since I knew I would no longer be able to go to daily Mass since my schedule would be changing, when I didn't know, but the thought of it and the transition was hard to bear. Little did I know that God knew my deep desire and answered it beyond my hopes with being able to attend daily Mass for the months ahead.

As I was going through my room, organizing and redecorating, I began to notice all the flowers I had. Pictures of various types of blooms from a watercolor artist, a Van- Gough flower poster from my sister, a poppies framed picture, fake flowers, a handmade rose, dried roses from my sister's wedding reception,a lovely flower on my calendar for January, a rose for Our Lady..In all, I could count many flower displays and I find they lift the spirit and exude beauty and hope. Flowers also symbolize growth, either gradual or fast, hard or smooth; the saying, 'bloom where you're planted' is an important and relatable one. It suggests and highlights learning, patience, fortitude and hope.

I came to think of the beautiful verse from the Gospel of Luke 12:48, 'Think how the flowers grow; they never have to spin or weave; yet, I assure you, not even Solomon in all his royal robes was clothed like one of them. Now if that is how God clothes a flower which is growing wild today and is thrown into the furnace tomorrow, how much more will he look after you, who have so little faith?' 
 This Gospel verse doesn't necessarily have to do with 'bloom where you're planted' mentality but rather trust, hope, and faith. I thought of this verse while driving by a field of yellow flowers in spring on the way to my former job. Recalling parts of this verse from the Bible and Jesus' words gave me a sense of hope and encouraged me to trust fuller, not just with my mind but my heart as well. Faith is a gradual thing and like most things in life, it takes time to bloom, it calls for patience.

When I was looking through my bag of collage and creative scraps that same day as mentioned, I also came across a notebook that I kept. It was a gift from one of my sisters for my high school graduation, and she knew I loved to write, particularity short stories. I re read what I wrote over 8 years ago, when I had first started college and getting adjusted to it all, and being in my head a lot. I normally have a poor habit of starting a story and planning it out and then not finishing it. I could tell how much my writing has changed over the years, yet how similar my ideas of stories, and characters have not and the importance of them, as well as inspiration and creativity.

 I feel I have gotten better and more mature as a writer, and telling a story but know I can always improve, as I continue to grow as a person. Like a flower blooming in a field, or writing with an idea, an inspiration and keep going with it, with hope and faith ahead even when it looks bleak and like a blind curve, there is always room for more. There's no beauty if there's no struggle and there's no great story if it was all easy. Life's a journey they say, and God has a beautiful plan.

Behold a New Year!

January 2019, baby Sophia's baptism

A new year is always exciting to create new inspiration, goals, resolutions. I've pondered and reflected more on this past year, the joys, the sorrows, confusion, crosses, and all its happenings. It was a different kind of year with different focuses than before. I was just getting into the work world, full time work and putting all that I learned from my ECD classes into practice. There was excitement but also a lot of unknowns of how everything would go and turn out. There was a dose of wishful thinking in there as well! 

 I had looked forward to working full time for a while and felt ready to make more money, use my time better with having less of it, and learn new things and be around different types of people. I had an idea of how things would be and in a way idealized it all. I saw my sister go to work everyday, and would hear about her day, the interactions she had with co workers and students. She was busy but thriving from it all and I wanted the same, and felt ready for it. I enjoyed picking out outfits for work for her with the intention of professionalism and class over comfort. These thoughts progressed my mind into the next step, the next phase but God knew I wasn't quite ready. He sent me crosses that were very unique to me and were severely strong and heavy. He also knew that I needed them and needed to cling to Him more.

I came across this quote from a spiritual reading book, and it struck me as how relatable it was.  "The certainty that God wants what is best for us is the ground of a serene and joyful confidence, even regarding the unpleasant things we never expected." I have learned to have hope but not blind hope but rather hope in Him. Every year brings with it its own failures, and crosses, discomforts and frustrations, but the same is true for joys, and thankfulness, peace, and love. I can focus on last year and all that happened and look onward to this year in greater strength and hope, and not let the hard parts from last year bring me down but instead lift me up, and focus on the good, all the graces and blessings I've received. And the gift of a new day, and new year!

Here are some pictures and highlights from this past year:)

Carmel Mission, Dec. 2018

New Years Day 2019, Mt. Diablo

Sibling Hike:) Early January

Dinner at Persian Restaurant

Isabel's visit, Summer

House warming, early Summer

  

Fruit picking in Brentwood

Yosemite!

Birthday celebration for niece, and Santiago's bday 2 months later, Fall

I love this image,as it represents the two most important feasts. This year will also have it's won joys and sufferings, but Christ will be there through it all. Happy New Year!

Faith and Hope on a Mountain

I wanted to reflect upon this year before the year ends. And I've been thinking about this post for a while, trying to come up with some words, ideas, descriptions of this year's theme, meaning to me. It's hard to believe this year of 2019 only carries with it 3 more days until a new year and new decade begin! I had some time before the business and distractions of Christmas preparation took underway to reflect and think of some symbols or ways to describe this year.

This year would be described as unknown, uncertain, unpredictable. It was full of surprises and twists and turns like the first day of the year going up the Mountain, higher and higher the summit, the nooks and crannies were becoming further and further away, and everything looked small except the skyline. Thinking about going up this landmark Mountain makes me think of the many various moments throughout the year. Exploring it on the first day of the year is special to see its wonders, and to experience the vastness and beauty of the area. It was a beautiful but very crisp, chilly and windy winter day, sometimes it even made me laugh because the wind was so strong. I even got a smile from a stranger as he saw me put on my warm beanie to cover my head and my ears. The year was in full view, anything was possible and there was so much to look forward to and ahead. I had just landed a job with young children at a Jewish school that was somewhat exciting but very much unknown. It would only be a few short days later that my world would be upside down in where things were headed, and it was out of my control to keep things moving. I could only trust and hope in God's provision and plan, and it was one of the hardest moments to do so.

The winter chill lasted in the air as well as in my head, and thoughts. As I assumed things could only get better and strike a more positive tone, it became a lot harder than I imagined. My prayers were answered in ways I had never thought they would be answered as our prayers usually are. Coming closer to Christ, loving Him more is a prayer we can all ask, desire or murmur in our hearts and God hears it still. Looking back, I feel God answered this prayer, thought, intention of mine in this particular job in which everything was hard, painful, annoying, and a different kind of humility pie on the daily. It was a surprise I had never expected or anticipated for and truly relying and holding on to Christ, growing deeper in my faith and in His sufferings on the Cross. It grew me more united with Him in a way that was very intimate, raw, and uncomfortable but beautiful all the same.

The spring was the time of spiritual renewal and where it started to become more real in the daily grind of work, hardship, misunderstandings and quiet moments at Mass before work, holding on to Him who would give me the grace for another day. Also, asking a prayer to Our Lady for her powerful intercession. I was living out my faith in my own way before work, trying to remember the message at Mass while at work and say some prayers throughout the day, and visit the chapel and adoration afterwards. I felt like my schedule, my focus was surrounded on God. I was experiencing a lot of indescribable pain that I knew it was what I needed and primarily Who I could complain to, seek, be with after a long day of cute kids, noise, bending over and standing many times throughout, and being inside my head.

The months of enduring remnants of persecution and hardship quietly were soon over, and I knew I needed to turn the page in this chapter, and year and take a break, refocus and recollect on all the past 6 months had offered and all that had happened. Summer was a lovely time to enjoy the freedom of schedule, to release all the stress and tension I had had and to heal from the wounds and negative feelings of others and myself, all the difficult memories of my former job. There were a lot of unknowns and question marks throughout this season as well, yet sometimes they were covered up by the bright summer day or the peaceful, and lovely inspired evenings on runs or sitting on the porch.

My niece was able to visit and other family members came, but all among the midst of this my heart was heavy with where I was going and what the rest of the year would look like. I tried to stay upbeat and inspired with staying focused on my goals like studying for the English CBEST section and reorganizing things around my room, or continuing to read and look up good books to read, and keeping up with exercise. But my prayer was always the question of where I was supposed to be, what would happen and continued hope, and trust that He would heal my former hard experiences.

Just 2 days before I would start my yet again new job, my sister had her birthday and we went up the same landmark Mountain and I could recall my memories from January 1st. I had to hope and see the possibilities again after being let down months prior. The unknown was right in my face again as I would start on a new path, a new journey and see where it would lead. A few weeks prior, I felt inspired to start learning Hebrew and take a break from my studies of Arabic as something inside felt like a light had turned off for the time being. The first word I learned in Hebrew was peace, Shalom! I still desire to learn this beautiful and ancient language and have Arabic as a guide and counterpart in the process. I have even said a few words to my cute and sweet nephew to practice and he smiles big.

With this Fall semester passed, I must say it has gone by fast! The days have easily turned into weeks and weeks months. I'm working at a school with kids, but much bigger kids than before- high schoolers who just as much need their own set of attention, support and care from their educators. And I feel proud to be a part of that, and from day 1, day 2 and so forth knew it was a good fit for me overall, I could sense it in my bones, in my energy and in my thoughts. I can see the same Mountain from the classroom window, as my desk and the wide window face this majestic landmark. And I remember hope and faith that symbolize it, that faith can move mountains if we believe and trust.

This Fall was inspiring and enriching in its own way and finally felt calm and serene after a heavy storm that passed through. Autumn sprinkled on its pumpkin flare, and I felt like me again not only because its my favorite season but because I was able to see the fruits of the labor from the months before and able to enjoy it, feel peace with a sense of stability. I could easily miss the gratitude in the quite hectic year if it wasn't for the earlier half being what it was. I wouldn't be so thankful for where I am if I wasn't where I was before, to see what God has done and shown me through out this year.

I want to finish this year strong, in the sense of appreciating and loving all that has happened this year- the challenging, the hurts, the tears, the joys, the good, the quiet, the unknown. It wouldn't be 2019 without them and I wouldn't be where I am today without God allowing and willing it all to happen, so I am grateful for that as well. About a year ago at this time my sister, mom and I went to Monterrey and Carmel to see the Mission there. Something about visiting a mission during the Christmas season is very special and distinctive to remember, as it recalls a reflective time and a joyful time of Christ's birth.

I can recall the Nativity scene with all its angels, shepherds and of course Jesus, Mary and Joseph. It reflected simplicity, beauty and wonder. Right across from this smaller Nativity scene enclosed in a glass case was the figure of Jesus crucified on the Cross on Good Friday. It was somewhat strange to see these two contrasting images and depiction of Jesus' life, the most important, His birth and His death, our salvation. It dawned on me that these two images that are not solely images or events but feasts in our Church and celebrations and cause for reflection are intertwined and related to one another, the other can not be existing with out the other. One you could say represents joy, the other suffering or deep sorrow at least initially since then afterwards is Jesus' Resurrection which also reveals hope. It's the same with our lives, they can mirror each other with its joy and gladness and then when life becomes more difficult, painful and uncertain.

Joseph mirrors the example of carrying for the his family, the Holy Family- as it is the feast for tomorrow. The same mission we saw last year had the figurines nicely and beautifully displayed of the baby Jesus, Mary Our Mother and Joseph all serene and joyful looking down at Him. I noticed right away that Joseph was holding a lighted lamp and that resonated with me. He is the leader, the protector and is lighting the path, the way to Christ. He will continue to do so this Christmas and new year, and it gives me inspiration and hope to trust in St. Joseph as he leads the baby Jesus and Our Lady to where God leads them. May he also lead me in hope, faith and trust into this new year.

November Chill, A Baby to Hold

Yesterday was a beautiful day. It was my nephew's first birthday and it was special to reflect upon this year and all that has happened. As my sister said when reflecting upon this year, 'it goes slow in the moment but when looking back it is fast and crazy to see how much he's grown.'

I couldn't reflect upon the birth of my dear nephew and all the transitions of his growth without mentioning a year ago for me. Fall this year and Fall last year look completely different. They are the same season, yet the experiences in them shaped me and influenced a lot. There was disappointment last Fall for me since I was going through a lot of deep emotions, and struggles of where I was and it wasn't what I thought it would be like. There is a lot to look forward to in Fall in my opinion, because of all the exciting festivities upcoming, the changing weather and leaves, and the end of the year. Somehow this inspiration, this excitement that develops wasn't really there for me like usual.

On top of that, I wasn't very busy and didn't feel inspired with what I was doing. Fall has always felt inspiring either with what was going on, my schedule, books being read, activities, thoughts, hobbies, projects. But I think last year, it was like I needed a change because what I was doing, my schedule was very routine in that it wasn't a challenge anymore or inspiring rather.

With my nephew among other nephews and a niece being born close to the same timing, I was watching a lot happen but life still felt somewhat mundane and in the waiting season for when things would start to pick up for me. I vividly remember how emotionally hard it was seeing my dear sister have a baby and have another human being to look after when I didn't know where things were going for me, and how to preoccupy myself to when that would be.

I got the privilege of seeing precious Santiago grow and change. As the weather got colder and the trees no longer had fancy colors, I experienced the closeness and warmth of a loving home, loving a baby. And being with him made all the difference for me! Though I was experiencing hardships internally, being with him and his parents no longer felt like the bleak of winter but like a warm spring. Santiago has always loved his comfort, like snuggling up and being held and caressed safely in his mom's or dad's arms. I can also easily seek comfort in my own life, and last year and parts of this year, it felt like my comfort level was pushed away since there was a lot of unknowns.

Holding cute little Santiago reminded me of trusting in God and His plan and unique timing, especially when things were feeling out of the plan. Having him rest on me, sleep on me, calming him, burping him, and rocking him were all tangible ways I could be rest assured that God was doing the same for me. Quieting my worries, doubts and letting me know His love through the people that love and care for me, all the gifts He has given me, my faith, everything I have has been given to show His love and concern.

Those peaceful lullabies and baby whispers have turned the page to a new season and stage. This Fall is looking a lot different, with more gratitude, excitement and inspiration to go around. May it continue to last, as we look ahead and be thankful for all that God has given us to hold and treasure.

Created For More

I wanted to reflect upon this video I made about a year ago. I was reflecting upon a quote from a daily reflection for the year, "The definition of success is being what you were created to be." And I had to think about a year ago and all that has happened since then, and where I am now. Also, what this quote means to me now. I still agree with the fact that success is much more than physical and superficial like what our culture tells us. And being successful isn't just one thing or one life goal and then once you reach it, life has no purpose or meaning anymore, that's not true either.

We are each individuals and have our achievements, goals and ideas we want to work towards. But sometimes, we can get so wrapped up in the busyness and pursuit of it all we lose sight of what really matters. This quote tells us like I said in my video that being what we were created to be, aka what God has made and created us for and that is successful, beautiful and meaningful. It's easy to lose sight on this and get distracted in the things and motives of what we think we should be pursuing.

This quote has a slightly different angle to me now than it did a year ago based on what God has done and allowed to happen in my life. I've learned this year since then and 2019 alone, that God has made me for a purpose, and has a plan for my life. I am loved and chosen and life is meaningful and there is meaning and purpose everyday. I was talking to a student recently about this topic of meaning and the meaning of life. I think it's what we are all seeking and looking for, and especially those who do not have a concrete faith life or hope. It can be hard to express in words what meaning and purpose look like without the model of our Creator to look to. There is so much meaning in this season as any other in our lives whether that be spiritually, emotionally, physically, or psychologically. As well as season being the time of year and weather changes.

Fall is a beautiful example of this because there is so much meaning, with the changing color of leaves, the chilly nights, soft breezes, cloudy and rainy storms, and longer nights. There is a purpose because there is anticipation and preparation for the next season, time of year, and weather pattern, but also enjoyment, beauty and appreciation for the present season.  Everything that has lead up to this point was being prepared and made ready in the prior months and seasons.

Today is the feast of St. Margret Mary Alocoque who was the first person to have visions of Jesus and His Most Sacred Heart. As a first hand witness, St. Margaret Mary had a purpose in bringing theses messages to others as well as the truth, beauty and meaning behind them. Jesus' Sacred Heart has been revealed to other women, men, and religious as well as all of us and in it we can find purpose, fulfillment, meaning, healing, love, beauty, understanding, and ultimately the meaning of who we are and our lives.


https://youtu.be/K3ssih3Qht0

Fall Thoughts, God's Plans

I often think about the past, not so much as to relive in that time and place, but instead to gain perspective and appreciation. Reflecting upon the past year, season or whatever it is can bring nostalgia and memorable moments, as well as a sense of gratitude and vision that only looking back can give.

In my life right now, I feel and know that it is so, due to prayers and there is perspective that comes with it. Every time I see Mt. Diablo up ahead in the distance at my work, I can't help but think of New Years Day this year and going up there, always seeing this landmark from my old job and relating it back to Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati and his love for hiking and feeling that the higher you go, the easier it is to hear God's voice. When I see this Mountain now, I recall all those things, as well as how this landmark can also symbolize as faith and trust in God.

Passing Starbucks on my way to work has its own memories as well. I think about my first time going to that one in May and how rejuvenating it was after a busy work week. I think about my time studying for the English CBEST section this summer and unsure of how my plans, ideas, and hopes would unfold. I now also associate it with visiting with a friend and refreshing conversations and quality time together:)

I can't help but reflect upon last Fall season and all that was stirring in my heart. It didn't feel like there was a lot going on in my schedule, but rather in my thoughts, spiritual life and heart. There were a lot of transitions happening at that time, but they were not easy at all. And it was very easy and tempting to miss the Fall prior and all its excitement, novelty and joy and to dislike the present. But there was a lot going on and a lot of good, but it was hard to see in the moment.

 I can see it more clearly now. I had an open schedule and I was growing and changing in ways I hadn't expected. I had time to volunteer, time to go to Mass and pray and go to adoration, time to dread tutoring and the burn out I was feeling. I had time to meet up with a contact for coffee, time to make dinners that were inspiring, time to read, write and reflect, and time to go on long walks and runs. I had time to study Arabic and go to coffee shops, and be by myself. I had time to think about the future and see the transition from student to working woman. I had time to be with my dear sister and her baby inside her womb and pray at 40 days and go out to lunch with my mom. And I had time to thank God for all that He had done in my life that year, and see what He would do in the next.

Now a year later, so much has happened, and there have been quite a few transitions. I feel like I'm  in a completely different place. I am even more grateful for all that has happened, and what I've learned this year since I am even more thankful and understanding to see God's hand and plans at work through it all. Happy start to Fall, cooler weather and more reminiscing; it's my favorite time of year!

A Blog, A Woman, and Another

Today marks the feast of the Assumption of Mary. The obligation is Mass, and I want to obligate myself to honor her and this special feast by praying the Rosary, reflecting upon her life and graces, submit my prayers and intentions to her and for her to lead me closer to Jesus. And I'm wearing some blue today in memory of her.

I also felt obligated to reflect upon these 3 years of having this blog space. I created it in hopes for it to be a blog that would last (as I had many blogs before this one, some lasted long, others were passing ideas and became a void in the blogosphere). I mainly started it to help myself as I was seeking and searching for a way to stay uplifted, inspired, innovative and creative. It was and has been a great outlet for me, a space and opportunity to not just create but also share. A place to share my thoughts, feelings, experiences and faith.

Mary has been a source of inspiration, and I believe that just like God, we need to seek her before she can fully come to us. We need to get to know her as she doesn't always reveal herself to us the way we expect. From the books I have read about her and the eye opening film, Mary of Nazareth, I have learned more about who she is, and can visualize more her virtues, character, life, struggles, sufferings, doubts, and joys. She has helped me become more trusting and open to God's will and plan. She is a great and powerful example for us all.

What captivated me about this movie Mary of Nazareth, is that the term 'woman' is a sign of respect and honor. Jesus responds by his mother Mary 'woman' when asked to help save the wedding feast and then creating his first miracle of turning water into wine. It can easily be seen nowadays in our current times to view the term 'woman' when speaking as derogatory, disrespectful or even male chauvinistic.

Another scene in which Jesus uses woman is when he heals, saves and frees Mary Magdalene from people stoning her because of her sinful acts. They condone her but before they take any action Jesus comes in time to question the situation. As we know from scripture and seen from the movie, Jesus forgives her sins and restores her to a new life. He calls her woman, asking where the others have gone since they have not stoned or condemned her no longer. She is frightened, and uncomfortable, and it made me think of the effects of sin, and the outcome of shame, remorse, and guilt. The film did a good job showing the transformation from her face looking dark and the effects of a wandering soul, to one that is healed, restored and full of Jesus' light. We as people, but it got me thinking especially as women, are special in God's eyes and have a purpose for humanity. I imagine Jesus calling me Woman, not in a demeaning way but in a purposeful, uplifting and beautiful way that leads to His plan. I am His creation and He will guide me to where He wants me to create.

God has inspired me to start this blog out of my own longing, needs and ideas. I'm so glad I've kept it and made it my own. He continues to have a purpose and I hope and pray that I can honor it and hold it up. Happy Birthday Blog!

Hope Does Not Disappoint

Hope, it's what I've been thinking about lately, and how to incorporate it into my mind, heart, and my everyday. Hope is something that is intangible but so important since feeling hopeless is a heavy weight to bare. There are have been somethings that have helped me to enhance a brighter hope, and a confident one since a hope that is just wishful thinking isn't solid enough nor is it rooted in faith.

Upon exiting church after mass before I would head off to work (and really feeling I needed a lot of help and strength from Our Lady), I would pray the Memorare in front of the serene and peaceful image of Our Lady of Guadalupe at the back of the church. For the past few years at the end of that prayer, I always say in prayer, 'Our Lady of peace, hope and confidence, pray for us.' It just came to me 5 years ago when I went to daily mass more frequently and took it more seriously. I have continued saying that prayer ever since and believe it has worked and helped increase in my peace, hope and confidence.

These magnolia trees have been so beautiful, especially during this summer time. I always enjoy looking at them during my walks and runs in the still and warm but pleasant summer evenings. I am currently rereading the book, The Magnolia Story by Joanna and Chip Gaines. I stumbled upon this book a few years ago, and was inspired to read it again partly due to my niece loving them and their story to pieces. My niece left a few days ago from her trip here to California, and it was a pleasure to send time with her. Her exuberant energy, cheerfulness and spark for homemade crafts like baking and gardening and being in the company of those she loves was a joy.

At her age, I did not have the same energy she does and I hadn't even been on a plane. She is the same age I was when my oldest sister (her mom) got married. With my niece around and me being 'the big sister', tour guide and friend, it gave me a new perspective, a different one and a brighter one than I've had in a while. Her presence gave me a sense of hope in dealing with and processing the many things that I've experienced these past few months. And it was nice to witness a young girl's mind, and how she views the world and all its possibilities, opportunities, and adventures.

I've learned a little lesson while shopping today. In that, I really only wanted to buy what I found to be useful and have the gift of versatility. It's easy to purchase more than you need because its right in front of you, it's tempting and appealing and you're in the shopping mode for another whimsical excuse. The numerous array of shoppers could be a bit annoying, claustrophobic and even a little stuffy. But I was another one of them adding to the stuffiness and the heat of browsing around while getting drowsy, so I couldn't blame anyone else. I bought three items and without even noticing I dropped one of my own belongings, a sweater of mine that I happened to like (shown above). And I saw it as a way of letting go and becoming detached in a way, but if I don't find it in lost and found then I'll see it as a sign. Plus, I have three more pieces of clothing that I've added to my wardrobe for a positive reminder. :)

Life is full of surprises sometimes and little twists that can lead into inspiring turns. What gave me a sense of hope, inspiration and a deep connection was reading the creative and kindred spirit letters from my sister's old friend. Her friend and I didn't know each other too well, but the memories and descriptions I have of her are enough. And having those letters from their exchanges from a few years back helped me, and gave me hope due to the connection, and understanding of her. This was especially true when I was going through difficult moments in my job and knowing that she also had her fair share of hard and lonely moments in one of hers. I wear the bracelet that she made, and love the meaning behind it and its originality. It's comforting to know of people who are similar to you, and something you can connect with.

Since my birthday, this quote has been more and more relevant, beautiful, meaningful and full of hope for me from Jeremiah. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11). My sister has this verse displayed on a table to remind her to continue writing out inspiring verses to memorize and I find it encouraging that this one has gotten the limelight. My other sister gave me a daily prayer verse and on the cover is this bible verse. I'm going to keep on living and trusting on it, and be inspired, encouraged and filled with hope from His holy light.

Empowered By Wounds

I have known this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt for a while in its abbreviated form, "You must do the thing you think you cannot do." I have it on my bedroom wall, and I discussed it with some students of mine at one of my former jobs. It was relevant to me 2 years ago when I graduated from College as those were difficult and trying years, and it felt so rewarding to be able to relate with her quote, "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself; I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along... You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

 June 10th, 2017 was the day I graduated from my University and June 10th, 2019 was the day I proved enough courage, conviction and honesty. I was most afraid of leaving my job because it was scary to come to terms with what I actually thought and my true feelings. It was nerve wracking to articulate what I felt and believed and others know about it. It was scary because it wasn't part of the plan, my plan that I had for myself. I thought and dreamed that I would stay here for a year or more to gain enough experience and exposure and enjoy it and love it. Boy was I wrong. It was nothing close to how I imagined it to be. God threw another curve ball my way, and it was up to me to have the courage to face the reality and be okay and at peace about it. He was leading me in another direction that I hadn't anticipated or expected. I resonated with Eleanor Roosevelt's famous quote again, but in a new way I hadn't experienced before.

Throughout the few months I was at this job, I was able and lucky enough to go to daily mass before work. That was a huge blessing for me because I was battling so much when I entered those doors to my job and when I entered and they closed loudly behind me, I felt locked in for the day and needing all the help from God, Mary, the saints and my guardian angel. I would look at the cross, Jesus crucified while at Mass and feel I could connect in some ways to his sufferings and passion. My heart felt heavy in many moments before, while and even after work and many times from different people by feeling judged, persecuted and treated poorly for whatever reason. It made my heart ache. I only wanted and tried to unite this to Jesus and his pierced and sacred heart.

 I would often think of how I could be of service through my hands, feet and spirit. My hands and feet were in constant motion from wiping tables, handing out snack, changing diapers, playing soccer and basketball with the children, coloring and drawing for them, and rubbing their foreheads and backs in order for them to rest, relax and fall asleep. Some of these tasks made me reflect upon and even miss what my former schedule looked like. Wiping and cleaning tables reminded me of volunteering for senior citizens and serving them their lunches and cleaning up tables. Driving to work made me reflect on and miss my days as an ESL tutor because of the similar route to work, but also because of how fulfilled, useful, and happy I was and what a contrast it was for me.

I was very grateful to have spent quality time with my dear niece this past week while visiting us. I would have been working and tired and mostly unavailable but because I left my job when I did, I was able to enjoy this special time with her. My sister got sick for a few days last week and going through her own sufferings, and unknowns and I was able to attend to her needs. While massaging her hands and feet to help her relax, I couldn't help but realize that I was also attending to Jesus and his wounds in his hands and feet, and it brought me to tears.

This time of figuring out the next step, the road to take whether it be to stay on the one I'm already on or take the fork in the road has been interesting. I've also had to deal with my fair share of unknowns as well as healing from a painful and roller coaster experience. I've looked to what my heart, mind and intuition have been telling me as well as my real interest and passion. I am feeling a lot more at peace, excited and reassured for the next step and just trusting that God and the Holy Spirit will continue to guide and lead me on the way to where I'm meant to be.