Springing Forth

 'Spring' is the word that I drew for this past year of 2020. It was a random draw on a website I heard from my dear sisters, and I wanted to give it a try! I usually do a saint of the year to grow more spiritually connected to, learn more about and pray to. And a word of the year I would sometimes generate myself, depicting the details, events, happenings,  joys and struggles into a phrase or one worded summary. This year, I wanted to pick one and see how it could be folded into the intricacies of a past year that overflowed with depth, struggles, hardships, newness, rawness and interior growth.

I got the word 'spring', and at first I was a bit confused. I wasn't sure if I picked right, but trusted that this would be my word. Later, I reflected more and pondered upon this word. I didn't see it so much as pertaining to the season though it could. I delved more deeply into the 'springing up', if you will of new endeavors, growth, interior realizations, discernment, hope, trust, faith, and courage to name a few. 

It made me see 2020 as more than just a year that most would depict as the 'worst, or hardest year ever', but rather as a gift from God. It bestowed beauty, a beauty that most often wasn't present since it was so deep within me, growing fruit that was mostly painful and at other times unknown. 

Reflecting more upon this word brought me to think more about purpose. Purpose in the suffering, doubt, and unknown. I could see more so the inner workings, yet desperately wanted to in the moment. But isn't it true, that hindsight is always 2020, and I think there is a lot of growth and wisdom built upon last year. 

Spring makes me think of hope, as the season also brings that upon us with its blooming flowers, sunshine, singing birds and lighter evenings, as well as the celebration of Easter. One has to experience the dead of winter in order to fully appreciate and experience the fullness and beauty of spring. 

Spring brings to mind of water, a fullness of water. It's what Our Lady of Lourdes told St. Bernadette, "At these subsequent visits the Lady asked for a chapel to be built on the grounds, for Bernadette to pray for the conversion of sinners, and for her to drink  the spring water that was revealed to her at the grotto... the spring that the Lady asked Bernadette to drink from quickly revealed itself to be blessed water with miraculous healing properties." I can't help but smile connecting this as I'm doing a Marian consecration and it will end on the feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes, (Feb. 11th).

Just as St. Bernadette drank from this healing spring, so too does Jesus have us come to Him so we can have life everlasting, as the sacrament of Baptism is issued with water. And as our dear Lord stated, "Let anyone who is thirsty come to me! Let anyone who believes in me come and drink." (Jn 7:38). 

And another beautiful Bible verse that I love from Isaiah and put as main quote to remember. "The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring. " (Is 58:11). 

I feel grateful to see more of the growth, the inner workings and beauty instilled due to various circumstances, trials, happenings last year. God knows what He's doing and will continue to lead the way this year of 2021!

My Path Towards Now

 I can't help but think back to the beginning 2014. It was my last semester before I transferred to University and there were a lot of changes and discernments happening. I knew where I would be going to school and fulfilling my English degree (though that would change later), yet I was uncovering the discernments that naturally happen as a student with what to do with that degree, what job or career path will it lead me to, and would I be a fit or good at that? 

These were one of the main questions that was circulating in my head come that last semester of Junior College and feeling ever ready for a change in scenery, new contacts and friends, as well as more independence in that I wouldn't know anybody where I was going next. 

March 2014, Student Government 'March in March' walk

I knew English was a large interest and passion of mine. Some peers and friends knowing that about me asked me to edit and look over some their essays. I was a tutor at an after school educational program  aiding young learners. I was thoroughly enjoying my literature class where we read, wrote and discussed women's literature, one of them being a beloved favorite, Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. 

But there was something new for me which was pursuing and studying Chinese. It was a side hobby and one that I became passionate about to learn and use, and even Student Government friends and contacts would see me studying and engrossed in this new language. Language and culture had started developing in interest for me as I had befriended or met people from various places and backgrounds at school; either hearing their native language spoken in passing or trying out their cuisine and favorite food was eye opening into cultures I had never considered, delved into or really known. 

With regards to my pursuing English, I had briefly thought about becoming a librarian. I didn't know much about it or the different pathways, but saw it as a potential option (though not my only one) if I were to studying and receive a degree in English. I remember asking a librarian on the school campus a brief question and I think I learned from them that you would need to get a Masters. The thought of it didn't last very long, but I do remember researching a bit more on my own. That spring even, my sisters, parents and family friends of ours saw the play, 'The Music Man', and there is a character called 'Marian the Librarian'. I think we saw that play in the idea of a field of study/career I had, and also just for the fun of it. 

A few weeks ago, I was going through old prayer journals, and I came across me mentioning being a librarian from that year, but not too sure of it. Looking through that particular notebook brought back so many various memories from friends and contacts at that time and dilemmas, more interior growth, one of my sweet sisters moving back home from college, work and its own struggles, and desires to meet great friends and large pursuits once I transferred. 

I can't help but smile and ponder about it all, and see all the shifts, changes and journeys these past few years! And to know that I will be starting a Masters in Library Science this month is surreal, amazing, exciting, nerve wracking, and hopeful all at the same time. 

Unlike Any Other

 I can't help but end this year of 2020 with writing and reflection on here. It truly has been a year all its own, with various happenings or what felt like not at all, to changes and transitions that were unexpected, and to surprises all in between, with God's graces and hand guiding every step, moment and day with his mercy, love and provision. I look forward to what's ahead in 2021, yet also unsure of what to expect after a challenging year 2020 has been. But I also loom forward with continual hope, faith and trust that God knows what he's doing. 

I wanted to do a recap of the year, throughout the months and see all the blessings, beauty, gifts, graces amidst the ordinary, hard, mundane, joys and unknowns. 

January: 

It started out with going back to work, knowing full well the sudden and very tragic deaths of 3 High school students and 2 others who were severely injured. It was a solemn, melancholy and very sad way to start out the new year after a relaxing break. And I could read the student's faces, all full of tears, loss, despair and no words to fully express their hurts. 

I remember training up to the last moment for the Chocolate Run 5k with my sister, brother and his girlfriend. Early, early morning to rise and go to SF for the race. A chilly, and January dreariness that only sings of anticipation and possibilities for the year ahead! I was proud of myself for running almost all of the course and was remined how mental running truly is. 

I admit that it was a taste of how the rest of the year would look like, at least interiorly. The race would be a metaphor of staying strong in my faith through the tough times and unknowns. January was where all sorts of questions ran through my head of what's next in terms of my future, career, goals, vocation. So much written and revealed on my heart and I continue to trust in God. 

February:

It brought more discernments, but also room to grow and hope as in small ways things were being revealed. It was the month where we officially heard the diagnosis of Ignacio's heart condition, it was crushing, hard, scary and uncertain. There were also nice times like taking the jewelry class with my sweet sisters or reading good books like 'The 4 Loves' by C.S. Lewis, or '15 days of prayer with the Cure of Ars'. I was learning Hebrew, but was deciphering if I should continue do so. Babysitting Santiago and seeing the fish with him. And praying for dear Ignacio and all that was ahead. 

March:

This month was where everything shifted for everyone regarding the Coronavirus that was continued to spread. It was an epidemic that soon enough became a pandemic and it changed everything and the world we know it. Schools were closing, and I recall the last day of school with the students on the campus. It was a weird feeling, not sure what was ahead. There was hope and excitement with spring coming, yet the remainder of Lent was a bigger cross that all of us weren't necessarily ready to carry. 

It was an emotional time, with a favorite priest and spiritual director being transferred and with all the weighted unknown with COVID-19, the transferal didn't help at all. It was a difficult time to adjust and to be honest it took a couple months to actually adjust to that pastoral change. This was also a time to pursue a list of goals and to dos as I wasn't working and the break and the newness was nice, although of course shelter in place had its ups and downs. 

My sister and I went to Starbucks indoors on a rainy Sunday for the last time, and I have fond memories of that, us doing separate things together, her working on her credential work, and me writing in my journal, reading and reviewing Arabic. I wrote in my notebook, "I feel like I am processing a lot. This rainy and wet and cold weekend has made me think and reflect more..."

April:

The first thing that comes to mind is my sleep debt and insomnia. However, there were good things too. Easter was a beautiful time though different with no guests, and not a lot of plans. This month brought forth a lot of time for prayer, reflection, and time at the church. It didn't feel like a whole lot was happening with the world shut down, but the beautiful sunsets, runs, time with my dear sister and Santiago were highlights. I started to learn Russian to pursue another language and keep my mind occupied. I decorated pillowcases for fun and decorated for my niece's birthday. 

May:

This month brought about a new hope, with healing and peace in terms of my sleep. There was a deep sadness with my dear brother-in-law losing his dad. There was joy in receiving communion once again through communion service throughout the Easter season. There was continual exercise, studying of Russian, reading, and prayer. I was slowly starting to work again through tutoring online, and had an online 'date'. My brother came back to visit for the summer which was very hopeful for me. We celebrated my sweet sister's graduation of her credential, a new nephew was born!

June:

This month brought a lot of joy, change and a new schedule with my sweet nephew Santiago staying with us, and anticipating more information, and news regarding Ignacio's heart. It was a busy month, but brought a lot of good especially after many weeks of slow motion and not of a lot of activity. It was a time of preparation for service, generosity, and flexibility. From early mornings to full days, and being innovative with various places still closed. 

There was joy and deep gratitude for Masses to start up again as well as shops. My sister and I visited an old time friend with Santiago, and also visited Elisabeth and Salvador at their stay in Palo Alto. I had another online 'date', and new fears and concerns I was faced with, as well as discernments. I celebrated my birthday alongside my sweet nephew and God son Ignacio, as well as accompanied them on his passing the last day of the month. It was full month, bittersweet, exhausting, joyful, fun, challenging and beautiful. 

July:

It came with a sadness, a hard to describe feeling of all that had happened and it took some time to adjust back to a former schedule and reality. We missed Santiago staying with us as well as the sounds of his footsteps, cute sounds and evolving words. It felt like another still month for me, waiting, anticipating what was ahead, which required more hope and patience. Some fun activities included fruit picking, movie night, sister day. 

It was a hard and emotional month with Ignacio's funeral, and also watching my sister get ready for her move and transition to a new job, area, and experience. It was bittersweet, there was of course excitement and pride for her accomplishments but hard to watch it all, and miss it all. We had some ideas to do together like a walk/ run together at a favorite park, praying a pilgrimage together at a local church, and watercolor. 

August:

This month brought out hope with some new ideas to carve out. As I wrote in my journal, "August is here! It's a new month! And there's no time like the present and what better way to make some goals, ideas and inspiration for this new month." It was the month my sweet sister moved out and that came about various transitions, and melancholies throughout the Fall. A new discernment with my goals, ideas and was inspired to start studying French. I started up again with the new school year (online) and though it was different, it was very needed to be back to keep growing and having a set schedule. It was the start of the fires, lightning and smoke that made this year heavy in a new way. We celebrated my sister's birthday (early) at her new place. I met my dear sister's new kitten and remembered how it was to have a cat. Overall, it was a month full of the same place but new change and shifts, and a lot of growth!

September:

September is one of my favorite months, with the anticipation of Fall and the last few months of the year. I made a Fall list to continue to stay inspired and encouraged. I visited my sweet sister for Labor day weekend and it was so fun, special and memorable! Visited Rio Vista, and started to wake up early to attend early morning Mass, with the memories of my sister and I going, and the inspiration of St. Louis and St. Zelie Martin waking up early for Mass. I began to start planning for another short story in my free time, studied French, and reading books. Had a mini sister gathering with a nice walk and Cheesecake Factory and playful with the cat. And nice, quality time over coffee with Elisabeth and fun times with Santiago. More discernments on what was ahead for me, and trying to enjoy the simple, predicable and learning curves. 

October:

It came with new reflection, prayer, discernment and frustrations. There were still interior transitions, and a sense of something more to pursue. As I wrote in my notebook, "I feel that there is something more...more of me to do, and more what you are calling me to do. To put it simply, I desire more! And I feel a sense of calling of something more but what could it be?..."

There were precious times at the pumpkin patch with my mom, Elisabeth, and Santiago as well as Apple Hill. Of appreciating what life was giving me, and enjoying hot sips of Pumpkin Spice Latte, and staying encouraged and inspired throughout moments of discouragement and doubt.  Babysitting Santiago, another trip up to my sister's place, spending Halloween with her and meeting her endearing boyfriend. And drawing closer to what was ahead in my plans, discernments and making official plans. 

November:

There was new hope, possibility with applying to the MLIS degree, and trusting further. It's another favorite month, in my favorite season with Thanksgiving and time to reflect, inspire, and anticipate. My sister and her husband bought a house, and visiting the area was beautiful, and refreshing after many prayers. Another nephew was born and celebrated Santiago's birthday, and some quality time for a sister gathering. It was the month of remembering loved ones who have gone before us and visiting a grave site with our precious family members and other souls. There was more writing and creativity with my story. A whole new transition of not having masses or at least indoors, but still experiencing the graces. Anticipation and excitement for Advent and the start of the closing of the year.  

 

December:

And here we are the, the last month of the year! This month as usual has its busyness with preparation for Christmas, and the holiday season, spending time with family, gifts, and receiving Jesus into our lives. In some ways, it was more busy than I wanted it to be, as Advent always go by rather quickly. 

It brought its share of planning for what's ahead with goals, ideas for the new year, for my new schedule and program, and for some resolutions/improvements. More reading, writing, and a nice weekend/sleepover with sisters and quality time, taking care of a cat and my sister ending up with a kitten for Christmas, a relaxed, productive, semi-busy, special break that was very much needed. And a deeper understanding of myself, my introverted, melancholy, sensitive, empath self. My dear sister and brother-in-law away for Christmas, and not fully knowing what's all ahead but anticipating it all with more trust, faith and joy after a crazy, hard, interior and growing year! 

Here's to a a hopeful 2021, with various unknowns but with greater trust and joy in hardships. 

Here's an excerpt from a prayer I found for the new year ahead. "Help us to remember that the gift of Christ, Immanuel, is our greatest treasure, not just as Christmas, but for the whole year through. Fill us with your joy and the peace of your Spirit. Direct our hearts and minds towards you. Thank you for your reminder that both in seasons of celebration and in seasons of brokenness, you're still with us. For you never leave us..."

 Happy New Year!

Notes From This Year

 "Be like a flower, survive the rain but use it to grow."

This quote was on a card that one of my dear sisters wrote to me back in July. I feel this quote is a really great summary and moto for this year of 2020, so much learning and growth that brings about fruit and maturity. This card had a magnolia flower on it, one of my favorites. And this card was full of beautiful, heartfelt and melancholy words after the passing of my sister's dear son, Ignacio, my nephew and God son. Reading it brought tears to my eyes, as well as hope and a sense of purpose. As my sister wrote, "It's a beautiful reminder that God is writing our story with each day that passes, He is making a beautiful work of art with the story of our lives." And I can see that more and more as these months and year have passed by. God is continually at work and most close and working in the dark and in the mundane and uncertain times.

"Of all the blessings sisterhood can bestow, I think the greatest is to be known, really known."

I read this quote while opening up the precious card my sweet sister gave to me right before her move in mid August. Her move to a new place, away from me and our time and memories and on to a new endeavor and adventure. It was a busy time for her seeing with packing and transitioning while my world felt very much the same and non busy, hardly any movement at all. But there was so much movement and transitions internally, in my heart. Seeing her leave was just one of them and what started a whole new chapter of change and growth for me. 

Her card was one of pure friendship and companionship, one we experienced together through thick and thin, good days, meh and blah days, really hard and challenging, melancholy blues, to joys, laughter, tears, frustrations, pain and inside jokes. I felt it was all meshed in her notes to me, and I knew I wouldn't be able to take it all in until after her move, until her big room of memories was empty and it was just me. I was surprised with how smooth the transition was for me and for her, and she agreed. But I recalled the bible verse that helped me transition and remember this new experience, "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born" Isaiah 66:9-14. 

God made it so apparent and seamless for her to enter into her new path, and God made it clear that I was going through my own growing pains and own journey. I stepped into it not feeling much different, but its the waves of life and the storms of past memories and misses and nostalgia that made it a lot more real. She wrote, "Also, this is a very new journey for both of us, and through it, you will be growing in new ways-all of which God has already seen and already knows about. I think God has some very intimate things to say to you as you embark on a new journey of growth, and a new journey of trust..."

In April, I had really awful sleep insomnia and fear. I felt off with myself, my sleep and on a verge of depression. It was Easter time, yet with the newness and strangeness of the Pandemic and strict orders as well as not working for my job at the time, it was very heavy and very hard. It lasted for a month and it was a nightly struggle of being able to fall asleep or stay asleep. There was a inner fear that ran through me like a river and would creep up when it turned evening, one of my favorite times of day yet at times I felt the anxiety approach. 

Another loving sister of mine wrote me a card, a beautiful card with Our Lady depicting the feast of Pentecost. And with it a note inside, a prayer to Our Lady of Good Health for my sleep, and also a book in the mail, 'Searching for and Maintaining Peace'. I believe it was my sister's prayers, the healing touch of Our Lady and some good humor that helped me sleep soundly and peacefully through the night, the first night in a month. It felt so powerful, and the next night and so forth were the same. So much joy and gratitude to continue on getting the rest, reassurance and peace I desperately needed. My sister wrote, "I'm praying good sleep returns to you and you grow stronger through this time of trial."

 In March, right before the shelter in place took effect, I visited my dear sister and that same day she asked me to be the God mother of her son, who was forming and growing in her womb, a pure gift and plan that God knew all along. She gave me a precious card with the words, 'Because I know you'll love me, Because I know you'll care, Because I know you'll always be there.' These words have struck me also as a sign of my dear nephew and God son interceding and watching us, caring for our needs and our striving for heaven. 

It's been 6 months since my birthday, and it feels like it's been such a long time with the ongoing Pandemic but also with my own growth, realizations, prayers, and discernments. I admit that it's been quite hard, but so much growth and goodness from the hard and painful parts. This year has really shown us so much that we could not have ever anticipated, hoped for or wanted, but God has allowed it for the time being.

Just like today being the feast of St. Stephen, the first martyr, unprecedented or unwanted events that lead to his death but ultimately allowed for him to die for his faith and love for Christ. The turn of events came out to be that much greater and better as well as with the persecutor of St. Stephen, Saul, who had a conversion and change of heart and later became St. Paul. 

I am continuing to reflect upon this topsy turvy, challenging, growing and interior year with its many blessings as well. May God continue to bless all of it. Merry Christmas!

This Special Time

 It's such a special time, anticipating to celebrate our Lord's birth and closing out Advent, and soon this year. This time of year comes around and I can't help but hold onto it as I realize how holy, special and beautiful it really is. Although this year is different with less family coming over and gatherings and its more simplicity, if you will, it also embodies the first Christmas when Mary and Joseph received Jesus' birth in a stable. There was simplicity, humility shown, yet God's holy hand was upon the holy family. 

I think its a good lesson to think about on the true meaning and virtues of Christmas. I think a main one is humility and though the flashing lights, sparkles and large commercialism displays are nice and festive, it doesn't necessarily bestow the true ambiance and spirit of Christmas. The God of the universe is being born, born in a manger and his gift is his presence and its one of awe, peace and joy. 

I can't help but think of simplicity and humility when I think of St. Mother Theresa. Reading and learning more about her has been so inspirational and drawing closer to her spirit and her deep love and faith for Christ. It makes me reflect upon myself and my own thoughts, actions towards others. She served and took care of the poor and truly believed they were other Christs awaiting her love, compassion and care. 

Another saint who comes to mind when I reflect upon simplicity, and humility to name a few is St. Zelie Martin, the mother of St. Therese of Lisieux. Today happens to be the day she was born, and her story, witness to her faith, God's call for her life is truly inspiring and encouraging to me. She felt she was called to become a nun, a bride of Christ but it later became known that she was called to the sacrament of matrimony and met St. Louis Martin while crossing a bridge and hearing an inner voice of confirmation that he would be her future spouse. 

I feel she displayed great virtue of simplicity in the way she raised her children and bestowed upon love and zeal for the faith. Her mind and purpose was focused, to become a saint and she did, through her various sufferings and trails in life whilst keeping her faith strong. 

Yesterday, while visiting a beautiful basilica all decorated for Christmas and seeing statues of Our Lady outside the church, Our Lady of Lourdes and a favorite of mine, Our Lady of Bethlehem. There are so many scenes and traditions, prayers and presents that make up this joyful, hopeful time. I want to savor it all, this intimate time with family, and with Our Lord and ultimately hope and trust in a new year ahead! 

Our Lady's Love

 Yesterday was the feast day of St. Juan Diego. And I realized that the saying that our Lady told him, is right near me and where I look each day in my room. "Am I not here, who am your Mother?" Such beautiful words, and such a beautiful reminder as we soon celebrate the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. 

I have pasted this image of Our Lady of Guadalupe with her sweet words on my wall after having a difficult time and receiving a gift bag from my dear sister Elisabeth, and on it were these words. How instantly comforting they were for me (as well as the gifts!) and I have kept it up ever since. 

I feel that Our Lady of Guadalupe is my favorite apparition of Our Lady. I have connected with it over the years and love looking at the beautiful image and knowing the backstory. It's the namesake church where my sister and her husband were married in El Salvador, so special! 

Though I've never been to Mexico City, one of my sister's had a friend who went and brought back a prayer card of Our Lady of Guadalupe that I keep in my wallet. While recently visiting a gravesite, there was a statue of Juan Diego kneeling before another of Our Lady of Guadalupe. And this beautiful image of her is one that I pray under every time I go to the local church, and seek her protection, consolation, support and guidance throughout many seasons and journeys of life. 

Reading more about St. Zelie and St. Louis Martin and their married lives as well as when they had not met yet, Zelie was discerning her path in life, her work, her career. On the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, in the evening, Zelie heard a soft voice declaring for her to do lace as a career path. This gives me great joy and confidence as I have been discerning for a while of what my path is in terms of career/work, and vocation. St. Zelie (and St Louis) are great examples and intercessors, as well as Our Lady. 

I want to continue in devotion to Our Lady (of Guadalupe) as she is the patroness of the Americas, the unborn, and various things that we need, desire and pray for. 

Happy week of Feast days! 

Walking with Transitions

 Such a lovely Saturday. A time for slower pace, and a new routine. To regroup and connect during this special, intimate Advent season. After a week getting back into routine after a relaxing and needed Thanksgiving Break, and hearing back officially for a MLIS program and getting situated and prepared for it, slowing down a little was appreciated.

It feels like the tides are turning with this busy time of year, this prayerful time of Advent and preparing for Christmas. With the closing of this semester, looking forward to what's ahead in the New Year, goals to work towards, growth and learning ahead. 

But this week I was looking back to the past to when my sweet sister used to live here with me. She wrote me a note for the beginning of the New Year, 2019 and I can recall reading it for the first time like it was last week. I read it again, and could connect,  understand deeper of her words, of what she was going through, anticipating and looking ahead. Remembering it all brought me back to that time. It was such a gift to share with each other, console, connect, vent, hope and embrace our own unique crosses as well as joys. 

This year is different with no sibling living side by side, but there is so much room and opportunity for growth and a deeper and more personal room with my faith, and independence. I can already see the growth within myself. I would say most of it hasn't been easy but its been fruitful, and a strength in maturity with added courage. 

Looking from that note from my sister and what was happening then and then focusing on the present, it really shows all the ups and downs, unknowns, fears and God's timing into a new perspective. Just the start and cusp of 2019 doesn't feel like all that long ago, yet it does and there's been an array of changes and transitions all in between! 

Celebrating getting into this Masters program with some cheesecake for desert one night and thinking about all that has come before it while taking a slice of some raspberry cheesecake. Who would have thought from just a few months prior? How interestingly this year has turned out to be, with a slow transformation that goes unnoticed like sunset to dusk but is apparent and very real once you look back. 

I'm grateful for it all. 

Drawing Upon Reflection

 I can't help but reflect upon this year of 2020, and this liturgical year by going back to my writing. Flipping through pages of written prayer and reflections, uncertainty, doubts, hopes, desires, pain and sufferings have all been very real this year. But looking back, even just from a few months ago or a few weeks ago have been beautiful to see the discernment, shifts, transitions and pain as well as hope and trust. I will share some prayer entries that stood out to me in this crazy and interesting year. 

(January 8th) You have a beautiful plan ...even if I don't know it or can't see it fully, it unfolds, just like the seasons...

(March 29th) ...I don't know about my summer plans or what these months ahead will look like, but speaking with you, loving you, trusting and hoping in you will be enough...

(August 30th) ...There is so much I don't know about the future and what road I am on. But I ask and trust that you are continually guiding me and working in my life. I am continually learning about myself, my desires, needs, expectations, priorities ect... Every decision, every step, every day is leading somewhere and you will be the one to show me what it is and what it will look like.

(September 2) There is so much going on in my heart, my mind with things feeling and looking different. There are also lots of questions about what's next, how long?...You are with me, and haven't abandoned me . And you know what's ahead though I can't see it. I just need to have faith, trust, hope, and confidence in the process, even when its hard, boring, dull or maybe too predictable. ....I think whatever will happen, whatever it is, perhaps I'm just not ready for it. 

(September 14) Guide your daughter to where you want her to go. ...I don't know what's ahead nor my plans. Help me to be patient with myself, and trust in your beautiful and loving plan. 

And upon reflection of this years goals I made for myself, some things I checked off and did while others I wasn't even close to accomplishing or starting. It was an idea I had that was perhaps vague and how interesting it is to see this year unfold and develop as I develop and grow with it. 

This list brought me to other pages in this big, blue notebook from last year. I recalled notes I took for a blog post while at Starbucks and jotting down ideas and thoughts for it while enjoying the music and writing down lyrics of the song. I came across that song today, trying to find it and the memories flooded back to me, with tears running. Already at the time in February, things were hard and were new in their own sense. It's hard to believe all that this year has brought and a lot of brings forth pain and deep melancholy but also deep faith. 

To end with two quotes I came across that were uplifting while perusing through this notebook. 

"The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring. " Isaiah 58:11

"Never doubt God's mighty power to work in you and accomplish all this. He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for his miraculous power constantly energizes you." Ephesians 3:20

Cultivating Meaning

"Like a canary's, the best sings are learned in darkness...In darkness it learns the song until its heart is so full of it that it never forgets." - Fulton J Sheen 

I came across this quote in my notebook from last year, quoting a wonderful book I read from Venerable Fulton J Sheen. It was something I had recently thought about, about this time, these past weeks and months of growing, of doing the same thing, of routine, silence, and stillness and sometimes pain and sorrow, joy, lightness and gratitude. 

What stays true is that I know I've changed, grown, and been shaped by these months of transition from  witnessing my sister move away and start her career, meeting and saying goodbye to my dear nephew and God son and attending his funeral service 4 months ago today, having Santiago go back home after a month of taking care of him, to the bitter unknown of what lied ahead in terms of my job, my schedule, and ultimately my plan and purpose. So much of this all and more was wrapped inside tightly in my head and on my heart, sometimes so close that only God knew all that I was thinking and feeling. 

Being inside a classroom that was once full of life, noise, chatter, movement and coming and goings have long faded out and I'm not so focused on it anymore. The nostalgia of once was isn't resting so close, but rather the changes, adjustments and questions have formulated within me as the new sound, structure and focus of these past weeks and months. Some days have been rather heavy and hard, dull and plain like an empty wall. Its when things become harder or uncertain that the time drifts and lags like thick fog, but the days when I entrust more to the Lord and give all of these things to Him then it becomes more light, bearable, and enjoyable as things are clear. There is a well of peace.

Even if on the outside things have appeared to look the same and perhaps few to little changes, I know that that isn't the whole picture. There's something deeper that is being revealed in its own time, in His time. And day by day, as we take steps He is revealing His plan to us closer and more fully. 

Being alone molds you and has a way of revealing more of who you are. Coming back to campus in mid August and now leaving for Thanksgiving Break, there has been a story all in between, so much has been written, revealed, endured. Its had its own share of meaning, value and purpose even if many days were as far way as the moon to feeling like it. 

And that's what I find most beautiful, that God continues to write His story in our lives even when nothing feels changed, different or certain. The 'same old, 'same old' as they say rings true and predictability takes full swing. However, the beauty isn't always easy to see until you really focus in, contemplate and become present to the moment. Then the beauty and clarity is revealed when you have a bird's eye view and look at the picture down below. Just like that canary, what we learn in the darkness is usually the most clear, and the most profound in meaning. 

Within this classroom, I have been changed and formed, shaped as well as tested in faith, hope, trust, joy, perseverance, humor, purpose, and peace. Who would have thought it would be where these virtues would be more learned, and strengthened? It's where all these former memories and experiences lie and showcase a former self, a different perspective and circumstance. 

Thinking about this upcoming Thanksgiving Break was a bit daunting. I remember last year feeling so ready and excited for it, but this year feels different. Though upon reflection, I know I need this change of pace, scenery, and a refocus of appreciation and gratitude for all that's ahead, for all that's been. And for all the growth, pain and faith that has taken place. There is a deep gratitude, an awareness amidst the darkness and stillness and it has turned into something new. 

Reflecting Upon This Time

 This time of year brings with it its own reflective thinking. This month of November is dedicated to the Holy Souls and with the late Fall it comes to mind death and what's to come, and what really matters. Thinking about my dear nephew who is a little saint in heaven close with God makes me reflect upon what the ultimate goal of life is. Hearing a priest give a homily and mentioning a young man who recently converted and reconciled with the faith and received the sacraments and being diagnosed with cancer, made me also reflect upon the meaning of life and never fully knowing when it will be our last. 

The bright and colored leaves hang like jewels and are a reminder of God's presence, of his beauty. I feel there has been so much time for thought, for contemplation of how this year has been, and all that has happened and changed, transitioned from one season to the next. I notice how we are always changing, and God is continually molding us to where we are meant to be, and who He calls us to be. 

Rereading the book titled 'Chiara Portrillo Corbello: A Witness to Joy', has been really awe inspiring in her story, in their story and in their mission of what God has called for them. Through their suffering, unknowns, pain, loss, joy, struggles and peace God used it all for His glory. And its so true for our lives and witness as well. It reminds me of the prayer I pray each night to now saints Zelie and Louis Martin, the parents of St. Therese of Lisieux. Their witness was very similar, one of suffering and crosses, sorrow and pain, hope, peace, and joy in saying yes to God's plan. 

Last Sunday's Gospel reading was about the ten virgins awaiting the bridegroom. 5 were wise and 5 were foolish and the ones who were wise were prepared with their oil and flasks to meet the bridegroom. I had to think about this message, portraying it's message of light, of perseverance, and of wisdom. It's all very relevant as we come to the ending of this liturgical year and enter and welcome a new one. 

Today's Gospel reading is about the talents and using, sharing them for God's glory. It's the fear that puts the servant with one talent to shame, and the fear of the Lord for the other servants to share and use their gifts wisely. Maybe the gifts that God is giving us and perhaps asking us to share are ones of trust, patience, perseverance, suffering and hardship, so that we can share our wisdom with others, our witness for the greater glory of God. 

Parable of the Ten Virgins

The same priest read a beautiful prayer by St. Ignatius of Loyola, and I couldn't help but think of my dear nephew resting in God's arms named after St. Ignatius. 

                                                                    Dearest Lord, 

                                           teach me to be generous ; teach me to serve you as you deserve; 

                                              to give and not to count the cost,

                                             to fight and not to heed the wounds, to toil and not to seek for rest, 

                                            to labor and not to ask for reward

                                             save that of knowing I am doing your will. 

I recall another beautiful reflection I wrote down from St. Charles Borromeo, whose feast day was earlier this month that struck out to me in its truth and beauty. This reminds me of Chiara's story of surrender, to the 'greater treasure' and bearing fruit. 

"Have your eye continually on the providence of God, thinking that nothing comes about without his will and that good is drawn out of everything. Take care to be grateful to God for his many benefits, recognizing them, thanking him and living well in order to show our gratitude ...Know and recall that there is no greater wealth and treasure, nothing more excellent and fruitful, than to love God and serve him, and that everything else passes like smoke and  shadow."  

A Sweet Sound

 "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."- Eleanor Roosevelt

I came across this quote in a small inspirational book my sister had. I immediately wrote it down in my notebook, and felt this quote and a few others I kept were so compelling, and motivational. It reminded me of my sweet sister's journey of reaching her goals, her mission, her calling of teaching. As I was perusing through this little book, she was lesson planning for the week ahead with all of her papers surrounding her, the table a teacher's space of to do's, a warm latte that spoke of a Sunday morning with light music playing in the background. 

This quote also remined me of my own dreams. Eleanor Roosevelt calls it beauty, but for me, somedays, it wasn't very beautiful. It can feel like a wave of the unknown, something that feels like it could be on the horizon, yet it's hazy and unclear like a smoky, dry day. There's potential, but it's not felt or always fully desired, but somewhere it's very much present, though not always seen. I am grateful that I don't feel or sense that I am in that boat anymore. The season of discernment can be a blessing, its own time of unique discovery, but it carries its own intimate pain that can be difficult to describe and put into words. 

Seeing my sister and all she had to go through, endure and experience to get to where she is now is  encouraging, powerful, beautiful and makes all the sacrifices and painful moments worth it, and I'm so proud to witness it all! Listening to the light background music, like my favorite, Lord Huron had a quiet reassurance of what's to come, what's ahead. It's the kind of music that has followed me and been with me through the deep, lonely times, ones of isolation, of interior solitude and dryness, of running in the peaceful twilight evenings, and driving over the hill to campus or the long drive back in the mystical dusk with the city lights' glimmer of promise. 

And this was how my sweet sister and I described this favorite music of ours, mystical, romantic, imaginative. It brings back memories for us when we would drive together and know of our favorite songs. She played her favorite in the car as we drove to the beach with her affectionate boyfriend listening to the tune and enjoying the folk and mysterious vibe as well as the deeper meaning. 

With the deep Autumn sun glistening through the window and the beauty of the landscapes passing by, the mystical sound of Lord Huron brought me to a new time of hope, of looking ahead, and appreciating the moment. Holding tightly these memories and this special time with my sweet sister, her sweet man in her life, embracing a new chapter, and beautiful scenery that brought me life, breath, a sure sense of peace and joy that only God can give.