A Creative Process

 I recently had a flashback, a thought from about a year ago. This week felt the exact opposite from a year ago. To give you a vague picture, last spring or (April) I had a lot of free, open time. I had horrible sleep anxiety and insomnia, and didn't feel very busy or productive due to the shut down and the COVID-19 pandemic. 

This spring and focusing on this week, I felt almost overwhelmed with assignments, and stressing about to do's for the upcoming days/ weeks. Seeing my books piled in my bookshelf and new ones recently checked out from the library only made me crave this inspiration of reading, yet knowing all the work that lay ahead. I have been sleeping well and been feeling tired when waking up, only wanting to sleep in more and take it slow. Last year, I wish I had a place to be, work to do that kept me stimulated and busy. I feel that now, and though of course I am grateful, but I also think its important to slow down when needed. 

This thought of mine also drifted back to a notebook. A year ago today, I wrote the first page of a notebook that was an extra one from my mom lying around. I wanted to use it to stay inspired and jot down notes and ideas for a potential story. I drew a big cloud like figure on the top of the page almost like a thought bubble with sun like rays and wrote, "I want to write another story. It will be different than the Noor series, with different characters, setting, but still similar in my writing, my style, memories and feelings. With this shelter in place, it will be good and fun to get back into writing again, creatively. We will see where this leads. :)" 

I also wrote down some ideas I had about language. I was currently studying Russian but still felt connected and compelled to progress with Arabic, but also felt like I was going back and forth between Russian and Hebrew. And I wrote at the end, "I think God also leads us to where our hobbies and interests will lead us."

On the back of that page, I was jotting down ideas for characters for the story I wanted to write, but not sure where to start or how to continue to stay inspired. I believe this quote from Picasso that says, "Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working." I've come back to this quote because I find it to be so true. For me at least, I become more inspired when there is variety, I'm busy, useful or productive in some way. And relaxing isn't routine, but a reward. 

I did write a story, months later, and sure enough it was when I was working. I wasn't very busy at work most days, or nearly at all. But being alone in a classroom on zoom, I needed to keep up this inspiration for myself and at the same time keep my mind busy. I slowly started thinking of characters, plot, and a world full of imagination to guide this inner world of story telling. I was somehow inspired by French since I was attempting to study it in my expansive free time, and French names kept coming up in my head and research and the inspiration grew from there. 

It was this same notebook that I've been taking with me to work these past couple of months for notes for my work, but also and very often for little notes and quotes, doodles and reminders for me to look at. When I was researching and discerning a Masters in Library Science, I jotted down notes. While reading good books, spiritual or other, I wrote down notes and quotes to fill a page or two or more and remember it for later as inspiration, positivity and encouragement in long, lonely, or isolated days. 

I'm now on my last page, and its ironic that a year ago I had just started with a few words of my thoughts, desires and ideas to continue to shape my world of inspiration, encouragement and imagination to pull me through the difficult and suffering days of last spring. In some ways, its also been helpful to continue with that theme these last couple of months. It's amazing really, to see it all in this perspective, after this momentous, challenging, interior school year. And the creative process is what I have to show for it. 

Blooms and Lighter Cloths

 It's Divine Mercy Sunday, and now that I've read the Diary of St. Maria Faustina, the image of it all has become a lot more real to me. I have developed a closer relationship and love for this saint of Divine Mercy. Today also depicts the image of Thomas, or doubting Thomas as he also known since he didn't believe own Jesus' resurrections until he saw Jesus in the upper room and witnessed the deep impressions of his wounds. 

What a beautiful image this feast brings. The iconic painting of the Divine Mercy image of Jesus shows one of healing, welcome, blessing, and movement. Jesus is blessing us with his hand movement slightly raised. It is all dark but he brings the light, with the rays of blood and water from his heart pouring out. The white cloth he wears is radiant, and the cloth he wears 8 days after his resurrection when Thomas meets him is removed for Jesus to show his wounds and Thomas believes.

This second Sunday of Easter reveals the outpouring of God's love, and coming towards us in his deep mercy and compassion to a wailing world. He comes in locked doors to bring about peace and breathes on the disciples for them to receive this new life of the Holy Spirit. 

How much I see things slowly unfolding, as the weather becomes warmer and the blooming of the flowers are vibrant and sends perfumes of beauty. Spring is surely in the air and when I trust in God in little ways, more and more I feel my heart feeling lighter and like these flowers, caressing the perfume of God's yoke, of his presence. 

While on our trip, we saw so many gorgeous flowers strewn about in nature, as well as in a botanical garden. The sense of spring, blooms and new life was evident. I wrote 'spring' in the sand at the beach, I saw a spring street as we were traveling from one side to another of a lovely downtown park. As I was driving on my way to Confession yesterday, I saw so many glorious flowers and colors on the edge of the road near roving green hills. And as I was waiting for the priest to come, I was admiring some of the flowers in the courtyard. He came out and saw me noticing the flowers and said, 'Spring is here'.

Today I was shopping for some lighter clothes for these spring and upcoming summer months, to replenish some things. And just to be in a store again, I admit was also inspiring. The variety of clothes on the racks with lighter material, brighter patterns and floral designs was so nice as I feel like I've been wearing my big winter jacket and boots for months on end. 

Reading former letters from my dear sister's old friend, I remember at the end of her letter she wrote about the 'summer months and wearing lighter cloth!' And as I was looking for lighter cloth in some new and fun clothes, I also came to mind Jesus' cloth from the tomb being away and removing some of his cloth to show the disciples and Thomas his sacred wounds.

I love the Easter season, and I love this time of spring where everything is blooming and things are in anticipation. I love that I was able to rest during my spring break and feel a renewed sense of inspiration, gratitude and perspective after some time. Easter is here, the doors are unlocked, and His cloth springs meaning.

Inspiration and Gratitude

 It was so wonderful to be gone, away from the daily norm, schedule and scenery. I didn't realize the burnout, and stress I was feeling and experiencing until we were on our way to blue waters, mission sites and sunny skies in San Luis Obispo. 

It all brought me back to 2016 with a road trip with my dear sister and brother-in-law when we took our time touring the sites in SLO, the mission during the Christmas season. Something about coming back has made me regain a new sense of inspiration, relaxation, beauty, and gratitude. It's my spring break and having more time with my sweet sister and my parents has been so lovely, so fun. It feels like I've been whisked off somewhere far away, a land of beauty, hope, and a prestigious yet laid back vibe. A freshness in the sea water air brings droplets of all kinds of lightweight thoughts, dreams, and inspirations to my mind. 

The start of the Easter season is flooded with this new hope, faith, and realization of a new perspective, enjoyment, appreciation. It's the most joyous season, beautiful and hopeful season, and these past few getaway days has shown that. A clearer headspace is so important. A renewed sense of appreciation for what's right in front of me, and deep gratitude for time to getaway and rekindle a sense of inspiration that was hazy for a while. 

So, here I am, sitting down at my computer in my room, remembering all that has happened these glorious, quick, beautiful and fun days by the water, the mountain ranges, and the rustic mission views all glowing on the other side of my camera.

Touching the Feet of Jesus

 This holy week has been full of reflections, particularly regarding feet. On Monday, we heard in the Gospel reading about the sinful woman, Judas, Lazaurs and Jesus. It's Jesus' last dinner before his last supper, and he is dining and in the home of his dear friends Martha, Mary, and Lazarus whom he raised from the dead. As it says in the Gospel of John 12:1-11, "Mary took a liter of costly perfumed oil made from genuine aromatic nard and anointed the feet of Jesus and dried them with her hair; the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil." This is a beautiful image, the 'sinful woman' as she is called in this passage is filled with respect for Jesus, but also deep gratitude and love. She is also preparing for Jesus' burial by spilling the oil over his feet, a generous and loving gesture. This oil as I learned recently would have cost a years wages to purchase. 

I was recently reading and reflecting from a spiritual reading for women titled, 'I choose the Sky' by Emily Wilson. I came across this woman she depicted and wrote a reflection on. She is titled the sinful woman. The first words that Emily wrote about this woman in scripture is, "I want to be like her." I was moved and overcome, and reading further I understood why she addressed it that way. She goes further to write, "She shows how passionately we are to seek God in the throes of sin and brokenness , and I want to live like her- in this moment- when I experience sorrow and shame. I want my response to be to run to encounter God right where I know he is."  

Another refection that came to mind this week pertaining to feet is my dear God son and nephew Ignacio. As I have written in other posts, he had a heart condition and passed away 4 days after birth. In various moments I feel close to him, remembering him, and uniting my intentions and prayers to him. Every night before bed, I kiss and touch the footprints of this placard. I feel that it is also a symbol to walk in his footsteps and doing God's will, reminding me that I'm not alone.

Yesterday we observed and took part in  Holy Thursday and the The Last Supper. Going to the service of the Lords Supper last night was beautiful, moving, peaceful, and very reflective and somewhat solemn. Like every year, its the start of the holiest days of the year with the Triduum and preparation for Easter. With covid restrictions this year, only a few people were allowed to have their feet washed by the priest. And upon listening to the priest's reflection, he said how feet washing is a symbol to something greater- a symbol, a reminder of laying down ones life for another. To break away from our selfishness and self-centeredness and think and do for another what Christ has done. It's not about humility as much as it is about charity, generosity, and compassion. 

I remembered vividly in that moment of the washing of the feet, of the time I attended a Caritas retreat and the the ending of the retreat was a Mass and also washing if the feet. It was the first time I participated in that, having my feet washed with others praying around me, and washing others' feet. It was quite a moving, beautiful and emotional experience. 

Another quick image came to mind of a catholic speaker, writer and revert to the faith, Leah Darrow and her husband for their wedding instead of the garter, he washed her feet, as a symbol of laying down his life in the sacrament of their marriage. 

And today is Good Friday. A solemn, quiet, reflective, peaceful day to remember our Lord's cross and suffering, abandonment and misunderstandings as his wounds and sacred heart reveal to the world He is the savior of the world. And the foot of the cross is a powerful image, uniting all our worries, concerns, sins, failings to Jesus' cross. And looking upon there were Mary, Mary the wife of Clophas, Mary Magdalen and John the Apostle keeping Jesus company in his darkest hour. 

Who I Am

 I felt inspired to write tonight, reflecting upon some moments from this past week. Last Friday, I felt inclined to look through old letters, notes, birthday cards stashed in a box under my bed. I wanted to read some notes from my sisters, different seasons in life to show me pieces of my life, and moments of happiness and gratitude as well as ones of challenges and suffering. 

It was very beautiful, and I ended up in tears and crying, just soaking in these notes and letters that struck me. One of them was written by my dear sister who was undergoing college, her classes, assignments and schedule at SFSU. She wrote small and intensely with love, care and determination to fill up every line on her notebook paper, with my name on top in flowing, thick, teal color. I was only a Freshman in Highschool and it was like my mind did a 360, going back to those days. I vividly remember my classes, schedule, teachers and feelings of navigating things. My sister was the same person I chose to be my confirmation sponsor not too long after.

Some birthday cards also were fun to reread from past years, as well as Graduation cards from Highschool and College. I was touched by the confirmation card from my dear sister, who as I said became my sponsor. Later in her card she wrote, "Stay close to Christ Colleen- He is the best friend we could ever have and if you stay close to Him- He will show you things you could never have imagined!" It touched me deeply, remembering this journey that I'm on and all the various parts of it. I couldn't help but think of Ignacio, my sweet nephew and God son who God took early from this life, yet how joyous he is in heaven, and cheering us on, looking out for us. He's a spiritual giant, and I feel he is always reminding me to trust in God and to not be afraid. 

I also reread letters from my dear sister when I was just starting out on my postgrad journey. We would write letters to each other, and it would always be a highlight of the week. I recall that season, all its own. A lot of anticipation and excitement, yet uncertainty. I can sense how much I've grown. 

This week a favorite Catholic Youtuber of mine made a video about a very low and difficult part of her journey postgrad and in her 20's. I could really resonate with what she was sharing, myself feeling and having felt similar things in various moments and seasons these past years. And I think that's why I started this blog, Samakti, to record, share and inspire myself throughout the difficult moments, and stay true to myself. And I think that's also why I wanted to look back at past letters, to reveal who I am, even all those years ago. I still feel like the same person, just new challenges, journey, and insight. 

My sister is planning and researching a story about our Grandma, whom we never met. Learning more about her, her family, history is very interesting and many things I never knew before. I happened to remember my other cheerful sister gave me Grandma's engagement ring as my sister was becoming engaged herself. I wore that ring today, thinking of Grandma and remembering her story, and what an interesting coincidence today being the feast of St. Joseph, who is also known as the patron for finding your future spouse! 

I think of Grandma's story, and my sister planning out this creative process for the writing, and in some ways a parallel to my own story writing, dealing with my own imaginary family trees, and structure of families, events and a main character learning about herself. I hope to finish this story sometime soon, as I feel I have interwoven different thoughts and elements from mine into hers. These things are composites of who I am, as I continue to learn, process, and enjoy this life, which is full of God's graces and light as I continue to walk, and He guides me.

On This International Women's Day

 Today is International Women's Day. I can recall a year ago getting reconnected with the Arabic language and feeling more interested in delving further into this Semitic language that has its waves of study and inspiration. It was also a year ago I met up with a friend and was voicing my interior thoughts about my next phase, journey, pursuit. I was almost laughing to myself while telling her, 'Can you really see me as a librarian?' It felt like a far off dream, not even a dream really since I wasn't fully desiring it. But this loaded question of what to do/go next often felt like a huge void and librarianship felt way out there in terms of practicality, and interest at the time. 

It was this time that I was feeling an expanding interest in culture and language, two big topics that are easily interwoven but broad in themselves. I was always wondering how my love for learning about these interesting topics could be used as my post grad season was elongating. How could I really use my major of International Studies was feeling more like a blur and a pipe dream. 

I feel that these thoughts, experiences, emotions have collided. Now that I am pursuing a Masters in Library Science, it feels even more comical thinking about my train of thought a year ago, and how much has shifted and changed. It's been 2 months into my program and I have thus far felt at peace, inspired, interested and mentally invested in it. Of course, there have (and will be) days that are hard with the ongoing screen and solo time learning and connecting information together, let alone with my other classmates. 

But today being back inside a library for the first time in a year, was an experience that is hard to describe. It was exciting, inspiring, enticing, inviting. But it was also strange and weird, and myself flooded with memories. Its a library that's not just any library, but one that speaks to me of my college years. It goes back to the rainy days of exploring book displays and shelves and carrying notes and college textbooks and readings that rested heavy on my shoulder. 

The lazy summer days of browsing through aisles and feeling inspired by every step into a new subject. Language learning was a big part, a new language and then another to keep my spirits going the next few months or a year later. Cookbooks and cooking magazines and ethnic cuisine was something that I felt drawn to, a new creation, skill or interesting ingredient to learn. History and non fiction was a main source of interest that connected well with my geography and history classes in college. A new region, history of a country or another time period struck a chord. 

These special, intimate memories came back so well, and many more. It showed me this space that's been so homey and inviting all these years. But how in some ways it feels different to me. I haven't stepped my two feet inside this building for almost 3 years, and the time since and in between have been a whole other journey. It makes me feel grateful for the hardship, the challenges and suffering even inside these library walls. And the beautiful, fun and enjoyable memories with mom and sisters are irreplaceable. 

I feel like I'm coming back to a new person, remembering what was going on a few years ago, what I was doing, experiencing and then here and now. I think the most beautiful thing is God writing my story, and leading me along. He has walked with me through it all, and at times a lot of it felt very heavy, emotional and melancholy. Somehow this library does a nice job at connecting to a deeper part of yourself whether its through the brick walls and warm low lighting, to the study spaces and open windows showing blooming trees and green hillsides, or the warmth of the walls and art display gallery as you walk in. It all exudes quiet and peace. 

While I was browsing and walked through this space I was reminiscing a lot. It was enjoyable looking at books, and subject matters that I would always refer to. I didn't get a lot of books or materials like I usually do, just a book about Princess Diana, and a French and Chinese language book. On this International Women's Day, I still care about language, and culture but its a different approach than before. I feel my life and hobbies are not so centered around it, but enhanced and special because of it. There's been an inner growth, a new perspective and I look forward to see where it all leads.

Signs of Hope

 This week has surely been a smoother, lighter, more joyful week. I can't say last week was, it was mostly everything this week wasn't- deeply hard, isolating, emotional, and sad. It came with a bitter feeling doubts, pain and a depth of darkness and discouragement I have never experienced nor want to again. 

I prayed for consolation, and peace, even if things wouldn't change overnight, but that there can be some sort of sign, consolation for me to know that I'm doing the right thing, and on the right path. Of course at times, the consolation we seek doesn't always come to us right away either. And that was true for me. However, after confession and some spiritual direction on Saturday to a good priest, I felt so much lighter, joyful and peaceful. I was embracing the gorgeous spring weather, and the calm and relaxing weekend to set right again. 

However, these consolations I've noticed have developed this week. I have begun to notice the little reminders of God's beauty, gifts, presence in even simple events, encounters, and experiences. On Sunday, Fr. Luke mentioned in his homily, that despite what these treacherous 11 months have brought us, all the pain and sorrow there have also been silver linings. Little angles helping and carrying us along this difficult journey, just as Jesus had angels ministering to him during the 40 days of the desert. 

Yesterday at Mass, Fr. Mark's homily was all about signs and how wee seek them, ask for them to know God's will. And I immediately thought of my own experience with this just recently, and as many others can relate to in their own way. But the priest went further to say that the cross is the center of our lives, and we should to look to Jesus on the cross as our sign, as his sign of love, sacrifice and all that he endured for us. He chose that way, trusting in the Father's will, and how we can better trust and choose the way inspired by that. 

It's so true that crosses will show themselves in our lives, perhaps even without any notice or preparation for it to be there. And this is what I was mentioning to my sister on the phone the other night, regarding our own crosses and seasons of life. How beneficial and consoling our conversation was!

Going to Our Lady amidst these crosses, sufferings, doubt, discouragement is something the good priest for confession told me, and how great a thing that is, to continue to trust in her, as she too had trust and embrace many sufferings in her own life. While reading the classic, Little Women I came across a beautiful part where Marme is talking to Jo about her temper and personality and what she's going through. I found it to be relevant and comforting. 

"My child, the troubles and temptations of your life are beginning, and may be many, but you can overcome and outlive them all, if you learn to feel the strength and tenderness of your Heavenly Father..." (p. 117). 

How many gifts, graces and beautiful things this week, small reminders of prayers answered and a continual hope. This is the sign to have hope, peace and a renewed strength in our everyday lives. 

Some signs of consolation this week:

- A beautiful Mass for First Sunday in Lent (in doors!)

-Lovely runs

- Beautiful spring weather

-Adoration

-Mass

-My sweet sister calling me and talking on the phone

-A coworker calling and talking on the phone

-Remembering my late Grandma's birthday and wearing her jewelry

-Making a good confession

-Talking to neighbors

-Reading Little Women

-Reading Consoling the Heart of Jesus

-A new nephew born

- Listening to the last week of host Chuck Neff on The Inner Life on Relevant Radio

-Listening to The Cale Clarke Show on Relevant Radio

-Receiving full credit on my first assignment for my Program

-Making a delicious lentil soup and zucchini fritters for dinner

Remembering Spring

 I continue to think about this word 'spring', and what it means in various seasons, memories, and events in my life. This was the word I got for last year, and in various moments, trials and experiences how much it resembled and spoke to me in my spiritual life and springing up the drought that we can often carry in our hearts. 

This word came to mind again when I was recently celebrating my sister's baby shower. It felt like a plethora of fresh air, not just to be away from literally the fresh, cool air outdoors and inside a warm, cozy and inspiring café brunch spot, but also to see women whom I haven't seen in a while, or rather for years. To celebrating the gift of precious life in my cheerful sister's womb was beautiful, lovely and to see again the other lovely women who are also close and dear to my sister's life. 

Various things came to my mind. I felt like it was spring, not so much with the threatening of rain outside and the chilly air of January, but the warmth of these women, of my cheerful sister and feeling part of a community I would say was refreshing, inspiring, moving. It reminded me of another time 2 years ago when my other sweet sister and I went to a Catholic book study and met other like minded women. It was held at my sister's friend's place and just being there spoke of creativity, inspiration and a room full of ideas. It was starting in late January, early February and already it was feeling like spring just being around other young women similar to me, striving to grow in their faith and devotion and coming together. 

Even if I didn't get to know the other young women there very well at that book study, it was still refreshing and enjoyable in its own way. I think a big part of that was community. Feeling part of something greater, and even better with those who are similar to you. 

Recently, I was thinking of my time with student government at my alma mater. There was a lot of community, but over time it started to wane on me. And overtime feeling more and more ready to move on from there and my experiences and the people. But even if community was a big part and an essential part to my time being a student there, a lot of it came from making it my own, my own thoughts, inspirations, endeavors around the community aspect. 

Spring was such a pleasant time, and I always felt doses of inspiration with my classes, experiences there. For instance, spring of 2013 taking an English Shakespeare class and feeling interested with the various plays, content and writing and even writing my own short story for the Anthology and reading my work at a small ceremony. (And just a few years ago, I began writing again and wrote a short story. Not too surprisingly, I titled it 'Noor's Spring', and it depicted the season and changes of the season in the main character's life.) That same spring of 2013, was also when my cheerful sister was getting married and we had a bridal shower and wedding plans going on. 

Spring 2014 looked similar but felt very different. And it's what I've been reflecting on in terms of this MLIS program I am now in. How very subtly I thought about that then, it was very much in the background. It was when my dear sister and I started training for a race for the color run! It was also when I went to daily Mass more frequently and could sense a change within my spiritual life, in my thoughts and in a large sense in my community and my associations. It's the same church I go to now to pray and pray in front of the Our Lady of Guadalupe image, just like I did 7 years ago.

 And when I think about that, it brings me back to this journey that I have been on, that God has gently and quietly lead. God has brought me into community, into communion with Him. Even if that community that I've been a part of, or I witnessed in my sister's life or on other occasions or experiences isn't present so much in mine now, it is all still good and beautiful. 

These Are My Flowers

 

"...My sorrows, my happiness, my little sacrifices-these are my flowers!"

This quote is derived from a wonderful and beautiful book about Leonie Martin or Sister Francoise-Therese, also known as St. Therese the little flower's older sister. It's a book I've been reading these past few days, and how to describe it would be amazing, interesting, comforting, spiritually enriching. How much wisdom The Little Flower has given the Church, and reading more about the family and in particularly, Leonie's path and journey is beyond beautiful. I feel that I am right there with them, in their sisterhood, struggles, spiritual journey and desires, so much.

 Above my bed, I have an image sent from my dear sister of the quote from St. Therese, 'My vocation is love'. How true it is, that our life is meant to be one of great love, giving, self-sacrifice and all for the glory of God. It's easy to forget that when some days are more dragging and harder than others. 

I feel so much connected to this French family, the spiritually enriching story of all the 5 sisters who became convent nuns (4 Carmelite, 1 Visitation Order). I only recently connected my wearing the Our Lady of Mt. Carmel scapular to this family, these sisters, and St. Therese. And also, learning that Leonie joined the Visitation Order after a few attempts. This order was found by St. Francis de Sales, another saint whom I was intrigued learning more about and happened to come across one of his famous books regarding spiritual direction, I was amazed. 

I feel there are so many crossovers with these saints, this family that feels more and more like home. And they are home, home in heaven, interceding for us. (My dear sister received the parents, Sts. Louis and Zelie as her patron saints of the year!)

I feel that my flowers are many, various things that can bring upon sainthood, holiness, I guess you could say the everyday, the ordinary. The above picture is an example of that, at my job, and doing my best to remain joyful, and attentive to how I can make it better. I was wearing a green scarf that brought me to reflection of these dear French sisters/saints, since the scarf is originally from France, a gift from my brother-in-law's mom. 

And I couldn't but help but think of Leonie's story, and how much I could relate in my own way. Her doubts, struggle, cricked path towards her vocation and seeing all her sisters- younger and older as well as a cousin go before her in their consecrated lives to God, full of joy, certainty and confidence for their clear path. How much beauty God bestowed on Leonie, yet how many thorns along the way of her suffering, and crosses in order for Him to lead the way.

While at Mass, I see mostly rose bushes, but I have sighted two or three luscious and vibrant red roses. I have roses in a vase on my desk now, and five more downstairs, all somewhat different but beautiful just the same. It reminds me of these 5 sisters, each their own unique path, yet facing the same direction, God. 

Just this week, we visited Ignacio's grave and put red and white roses on his grave. How beautiful it was, yet how melancholy and emotional. I feel more of his consolation, his presence guiding his little God mother. How much he can teach us who is so young, so pure, innocent and so wise in heaven. 

My flowers feel an array, with some of my favorites, roses, lilies, carnations.. Each day brings its own beauty, its own struggles, demands, its own graces.  But in the end, it will all be a gift back to God. 

As we visited the gravesite, how wonderful, enriching, eye opening it is to be near death, near our destination looking at all those who have gone before us, with their own journey, story, pain, joy. May all the various experiences of life be turned to flowers, a way to grow closer to faith, to God and become all the more beautiful because of it. 

Springing Forth

 'Spring' is the word that I drew for this past year of 2020. It was a random draw on a website I heard from my dear sisters, and I wanted to give it a try! I usually do a saint of the year to grow more spiritually connected to, learn more about and pray to. And a word of the year I would sometimes generate myself, depicting the details, events, happenings,  joys and struggles into a phrase or one worded summary. This year, I wanted to pick one and see how it could be folded into the intricacies of a past year that overflowed with depth, struggles, hardships, newness, rawness and interior growth.

I got the word 'spring', and at first I was a bit confused. I wasn't sure if I picked right, but trusted that this would be my word. Later, I reflected more and pondered upon this word. I didn't see it so much as pertaining to the season though it could. I delved more deeply into the 'springing up', if you will of new endeavors, growth, interior realizations, discernment, hope, trust, faith, and courage to name a few. 

It made me see 2020 as more than just a year that most would depict as the 'worst, or hardest year ever', but rather as a gift from God. It bestowed beauty, a beauty that most often wasn't present since it was so deep within me, growing fruit that was mostly painful and at other times unknown. 

Reflecting more upon this word brought me to think more about purpose. Purpose in the suffering, doubt, and unknown. I could see more so the inner workings, yet desperately wanted to in the moment. But isn't it true, that hindsight is always 2020, and I think there is a lot of growth and wisdom built upon last year. 

Spring makes me think of hope, as the season also brings that upon us with its blooming flowers, sunshine, singing birds and lighter evenings, as well as the celebration of Easter. One has to experience the dead of winter in order to fully appreciate and experience the fullness and beauty of spring. 

Spring brings to mind of water, a fullness of water. It's what Our Lady of Lourdes told St. Bernadette, "At these subsequent visits the Lady asked for a chapel to be built on the grounds, for Bernadette to pray for the conversion of sinners, and for her to drink  the spring water that was revealed to her at the grotto... the spring that the Lady asked Bernadette to drink from quickly revealed itself to be blessed water with miraculous healing properties." I can't help but smile connecting this as I'm doing a Marian consecration and it will end on the feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes, (Feb. 11th).

Just as St. Bernadette drank from this healing spring, so too does Jesus have us come to Him so we can have life everlasting, as the sacrament of Baptism is issued with water. And as our dear Lord stated, "Let anyone who is thirsty come to me! Let anyone who believes in me come and drink." (Jn 7:38). 

And another beautiful Bible verse that I love from Isaiah and put as main quote to remember. "The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring. " (Is 58:11). 

I feel grateful to see more of the growth, the inner workings and beauty instilled due to various circumstances, trials, happenings last year. God knows what He's doing and will continue to lead the way this year of 2021!

My Path Towards Now

 I can't help but think back to the beginning 2014. It was my last semester before I transferred to University and there were a lot of changes and discernments happening. I knew where I would be going to school and fulfilling my English degree (though that would change later), yet I was uncovering the discernments that naturally happen as a student with what to do with that degree, what job or career path will it lead me to, and would I be a fit or good at that? 

These were one of the main questions that was circulating in my head come that last semester of Junior College and feeling ever ready for a change in scenery, new contacts and friends, as well as more independence in that I wouldn't know anybody where I was going next. 

March 2014, Student Government 'March in March' walk

I knew English was a large interest and passion of mine. Some peers and friends knowing that about me asked me to edit and look over some their essays. I was a tutor at an after school educational program  aiding young learners. I was thoroughly enjoying my literature class where we read, wrote and discussed women's literature, one of them being a beloved favorite, Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. 

But there was something new for me which was pursuing and studying Chinese. It was a side hobby and one that I became passionate about to learn and use, and even Student Government friends and contacts would see me studying and engrossed in this new language. Language and culture had started developing in interest for me as I had befriended or met people from various places and backgrounds at school; either hearing their native language spoken in passing or trying out their cuisine and favorite food was eye opening into cultures I had never considered, delved into or really known. 

With regards to my pursuing English, I had briefly thought about becoming a librarian. I didn't know much about it or the different pathways, but saw it as a potential option (though not my only one) if I were to studying and receive a degree in English. I remember asking a librarian on the school campus a brief question and I think I learned from them that you would need to get a Masters. The thought of it didn't last very long, but I do remember researching a bit more on my own. That spring even, my sisters, parents and family friends of ours saw the play, 'The Music Man', and there is a character called 'Marian the Librarian'. I think we saw that play in the idea of a field of study/career I had, and also just for the fun of it. 

A few weeks ago, I was going through old prayer journals, and I came across me mentioning being a librarian from that year, but not too sure of it. Looking through that particular notebook brought back so many various memories from friends and contacts at that time and dilemmas, more interior growth, one of my sweet sisters moving back home from college, work and its own struggles, and desires to meet great friends and large pursuits once I transferred. 

I can't help but smile and ponder about it all, and see all the shifts, changes and journeys these past few years! And to know that I will be starting a Masters in Library Science this month is surreal, amazing, exciting, nerve wracking, and hopeful all at the same time.