An Honorable Remembrance

Yesterday was the 20 year anniversary of the terrorist attacks on 9/11. I was really young when that horrible, traumatic and deeply sad events of innocent lives destroyed occurred. Third grade to be exact. And over the years while being a student and growing up, we always recalled in memory and with sadness this day, since all my classmates in middle school and high school were alive just like me when that horrendous day took place at the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and crashing into the plains of Pennsylvania. I didn't even know or understand all the details, and especially being so young I couldn't really wrap my brain around it all. 

I remember vividly watching the TV with my mom after school on that day in 2001 and seeing the two plains crash into the Twin Towers and seeing them collapse with all the dust, cement, rubble crumbling like a big earthquake. I remember seeing a lady pour water over herself as she was drenched in smoke, debris, and cement remains. It was sad to see, trying to understand as a 9 year old. 

I can't even think about all those lives lost just from the crumbling, floor by floor of those towers, those innocent lives lost just from others not able to find their remains amidst the dust, and the crashing, burning, and deteriorating of the iconic sky scrapers. I thought about the passengers on the plane who had no idea what was coming. The excruciating terror on their lives, ending so quickly with not even able to arrive safely at their destination. A phone call perhaps to tell their loved ones goodbye. 

I can't think of it all and make sense of the pain that others have endured these past two decades. The reality of it all has certainly hit home for me more than it has before. It makes my heart sink and ache into sorrow and tears well up in my eyes, thinking of all those lives taken abruptly, ripped from this earth, yet telling a story so strong of their witness in this tragic terrorist attack. 

I had tears in my eyes yesterday as I hugged my sister so tightly after she asked me to be the godparent/godmother of her baby boy due in February. The card she wrote was so touching, and joyful. And to think of this new life, this little baby growing and developing in her womb is so miraculous, beautiful and exciting! 

I think about this new life on the day when nearly 3,000 lost their lives in 9/11. I thought about being with my sister, and hug her close was such a gift as so many others 20 years ago did not have the chance, the privilege, or the gift in doing so as their loved ones passed away. It makes me truly filled with gratitude for life, for the simple things and God's mysterious ways, God's gifts and His enduring presence. How truly blessed I am.

A Picture of My Grandparents

 Today marks the 73rd wedding anniversary of my Grandma and Grandpa, my Dad's parents. I've been thinking about them more recently. It was my dear sister who became curious and came up with the good idea to learn more about our Grandma whom we had never met or grown up with. She researched more about her life, her family and relatives through relatives of our own, our Dad's cousins and our Uncle who has a lot of information on genealogy. 

I got to know more about her too when my sister would share and tell me things, or forward emails to the family about another interesting response from a relative detailing Grandma's life before she was married or after when 3 young boys to take care of. It was just a few weeks ago that we visited their gravesite again in Santa Clara while we had some excursions in San Jose where my Dad's childhood home is. There just seemed to be so much history in these places, lineage and memories that my Dad, my Uncle and relatives remember and lived through. Being a student at SJSU for my Masters in Library Science is another connection to them and the city where my Dad grew up and where they lived for a number of years.

This genealogy process that my sister was gaining more information on inspired me to create some sort of story. I enjoy the creative process and feel that I more of a fiction writer embedding some real events in different pockets, letting the real and imaginary ooze out together. I've written down some notes regarding facts, places, genealogy and such but haven't come up with anything yet. 

I also am thinking about Grandma and Grandpa as of recent because of their story. They both married later in life (late in those days). My Grandma got married at 30 and my Grandpa was 35 or 36. My Grandma's 2 other siblings were already married with children before she met and married. I think about those details, and I can relate in my own way. I have 2 siblings who both recently got engaged and will have weddings next year! It's exciting, joyful but I can relate in a special and intimate way with Grandma when you're unsure and it can be hard not knowing your own vocation story to marriage when things are happening all around you. 

I recall seeing the wedding picture of my parents, with my Dad's two brothers and his parents. I noticed that Grandma's hand looked as if it were clutching my Dad's oldest brother, Uncle Mike's hand, almost as if she knew was he was perhaps feeling in that moment. He was not married yet, not dating but his youngest brother had just gotten married and my other Uncle was already a Marianist brother. I could sense my Grandma was empathizing with the reality of siblings' lives changing before your own. That really stuck with me. 

I have her wedding band ring and it actually fits. I think of this as a symbol of her presence, her story. I've had it ever since one of my older sisters was getting engaged 9 years ago and she gave me Grandma's band. My mom recently showed me Grandma's engagement ring since I and never seen it before. It was so beautiful with a lovely diamond not too big or small, but the size of the ring looked petite. So special to see these heirlooms!

Sometimes I think that Grandma is calling me to write a story, her story. To use what I have and detail something creative, unique, personal in a way to honor and remember Grandma and Grandpa. I do have quite a few memories of Grandpa since I was around 6, 7, and 8 and we would visit him often and go out to eat at his favorite restaurants with all of us. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself to write something 'good', but all I want to do is tell a story in my own way. 

I love this time of the year, this time of September! And I can see why they chose this date all those many decades ago. I keep them both in my heart and  mind today, and know that they are with me, interceding for me, and holding my hand like loving Grandparents do. 

Time for Something

 I think about this a lot-how I can use my time well at work when I am not busy. There are moments throughout the days that its slow for me, I don't have much to do, there are no students who need help and I'm left to myself of how to make the remaining time go by quickly enough but also somewhat productive, (or at least look like it)! 

Of course like anyone, I like and enjoy to be busy and productive at my job. For some even, it could instill some anxiety if they are not presented with any alternatives to keep them busy and useful. I don't get anxious luckily, but I do try and think of how I can make the situation a bit more enjoyable, better if possible. I've even tried to help students who have no work to do and are just staring into space or at their phones and who look so bored. I've given them some alternatives to help them use their open time a bit better.

 The first week of school felt like we were playing games all week in 1 or 2 of the classes where they have time for homework. I had ideas to play hang man on the white board or Scattergories and another student introduced me to an online Pictionary game. I could tell overall the students enjoyed it. It made the time go by faster and they were a bit entertained interacting with some of their peers. Now that school has progressed a bit, some of the students have more work to do, but others have the same issue with too much open time. I often think of how much could be done with this open time, one could learn a language, read a book, write a story, draw, learn more about a subject.. the possibilities are endless! But these students may not think of it the same way I do. I told them if I were them, I would bring a book or something else to do if I had so much open time. Or else, its going to be a loooong school year. 

I think about this topic of time and usefulness because it has to do with one of my favorite authors and books- Immacule Illibagiza who wrote her incredible survival story from the Rwandan Genocide titled Left to Tell. She survived by being locked up in a cramped bathroom with a few other women in a Pastor's home who was hiding these women. In her book, she wrote many times about using the open hours and days of sitting uncomfortably and very fearfully, not knowing the outcome of the war and when and if she would be found out and die full of prayer and conversations with God, praying the Rosary. She even had a vision to study the English language and was able to get some resources to learn while in the small bathroom for roughly 3 months. She is such an inspiring and empowering faith-filled women, I never get bored of reading her books. 

I also think about a great saint I admire, St. Josemaria who was so resourceful and sensitive in using our time well for God's glory. I read it in one of the books about him how during the Spanish civil war they were cooped up in a room sharing with a few of the other men, and St. Josemaria advised them all to use the long, open days with a set schedule and also for each of them to learn a language so they could spread the spirit of Opus Dei to other people and areas. I was reminded of these details in a blog post I recently read from a lovely blogger who I sometimes follow. She is so inspirational, faith-filled and joyful and she too mentioned during the beginning of the Pandemic that she was going to structure her days and have a set schedule. 

I use these examples as reminders for myself. I don't have as much free time as I once had in the summer or even last Fall. And I can say there are pros and cons with both, and there definitely is a sweet spot in the middle and learning how to balance it all. But like I mentioned above, there are days and hours throughout the week at work where I'm left to get creative and innovative once again! Sometimes acronyms help, like if I'm in a building with a certain letter, I've been trying to think and pray to saints whose names start with that letter! Something so simple, but can be helpful and powerful. I'm noticing its the little things that count and can help make the routine or open time more like a form of prayer rather than an inconvenience or an annoyance. 

Happy Labor Day weekend!!

Flowers from garden in SF last wknd:)

This Week

 The first week of school is done! What a busy, tiring and somewhat long week. I wouldn't have anticipated how exhausting or busy it would be. There really is no comparison to how things were last year with zoom and distant learning and now being back in person. First, how are those Freshman now Juniors? They have grown so tall, and more mature and now upper classmen. I remember working with them in assignments and they were so new and fresh to high school and now they have whizzed through practically experts on high school and no longer a little person on campus. How fast time really does go!

Second, I feel so different than I did around a year ago. Mentally, for starters I feel healthier, busier and more fulfilled and part of something. I was searching for that last year, to grow and be part of something bigger and give my skills and interests, but I had no idea what it was. Little did I know it was right around the corner or rather right in front of my face that I never actually looked into. I was looking in other directions. 

Third, I didn't think I would miss any bit of what last year was and it what it brought. But surprisingly, this past week I was remembering and trying to detail the intricate memories of what it was like to be in a classroom solo and just get by, making the best of the situation. I somehow missed some of those moments because they were so personal, real and showcasing all I got. It was a challenge to keep it up and to know it was just a season. I remember how painful things were, and how much I was growing internally, but literally alone. I don't want to forget those days since I showed myself some of my true self in those hardest and loneliest moments. I don't want to forget it since its allowed me to grow and appreciate some of the lighter days now. I feel like its my own secret within the walls and no one else saw or knows it, of course besides God and others who I told and lamented to. 

Fourth, I want this school year to be a great one and memorable! I feel better and more excited so far, and also to continue and focus on this journey that I'm on; to continue to grow and learn most especially within my program. Its also a special time to be with my parents and cultivate more memories and just appreciate this time.

And 5th, to ultimately grow closer to God and what He wants for me in this season. There are many lessons and things to be learned and I want to hone in on what He is whispering, showing and guiding me. In the heavy traffic before work, I want to be more present to the day ahead and the great gift and blessing it is. And to know of His presence, love and provision is the most important thing to remember. He is never far off!

Summer Reading

 Once the last day of school was over, I went over to the local used bookstore. My intention was initially purchasing a gift card for my brother's birthday, but it was enjoyable browsing through some of the shelves. I came across the fiction section and John Steinbeck's books, one of them I had recently finished, 'The Pearl'. It felt like summer officially. I could relax and thoroughly enjoy perusing a bookstore after a very long, mundane, tumultuous, and growth filled school year (I am proud of myself for sticking out the school year!). I was excited to be having more time for reading and leisure after a busy semester and enjoy books of my choice.

Books, for me have been a long time love. I get excited and inspired easily when I am in a library or bookstore, thinking about what subjects or titles I would be interested in delving into, reading about, discovering if it piques my interest for short or long term. A side hobby is researching beforehand of topics or titles that the library might have and then awaiting the arrival of the book or finding it myself.

 When I went to the library a few days ago, I enjoyed browsing through the different aisles and sections and was surprised with coming home with a few books. I wasn't so much thinking about the few books I was carrying, bur rather that I had found nearly all of them in the library shelves and was actually interested in them enough to check them out, and not through research and a click through link + which a majority of books I get from. 

If I were to choose my favorite past time, it would be reading. It's the hobby that I never get tired or bored with; I can easily come back to it. It's the first thing that can help me rejuvenate when I'm mentally and socially drained, exhausted and just want to recharge and gain some inspiration and knowledge. Other things come after to help, but reading for leisure or spiritual reading always wins.

So far this year, I've read some new books that I have never read before, as well as some repeated titles. I know some people think its pointless to reread a book after reading it once, but to me, there are some exceptions. For instance, I am rereading 'Yes, Chef', by Marcus Samuelsson for the 4th time. He's my favorite chef, I love his journey and story, his passion for cooking and flavors. And there's so much detail along the way, its easy to forget or miss it the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time.  

In April, I reread for the 2nd time 'The Road to Daybreak' by Henri Nouwen. I love his writing, and his melancholy reflectiveness. He was a Catholic priest and wrote many spiritual books. I've read a few of his books, but I find it helpful, useful and enjoyable to read and well as reread his works. 

I mentioned earlier the classic, 'The Pearl' by John Steinbeck. I had read it once in the 7th grade of English class, but honestly, reading it this time around I gained so much more themes and meaning hidden within that as a 13 year old I easily missed.

In March, I reread 'My Sisters the Saints' by Colleen Carroll Campbell. I read it last summer and enjoyed it so much, learned and gained a lot from her journey of faith, vocation, marriage and motherhood as well as her favorite saints. She's a talented writer, and I would like to read her first book sometime.

There are a few other books that I have reread this year, and I found them to be inspiring once again after a short or long period. Though summer is slowly drawing to a close, with schedules restarting and progressing back up again, I will still find time to read, to enjoy the process of it all, and to continue to learn in various areas. My favorite season is coming up, and what better way to spend the crisp days turning the pages of a book.

Connecting Writing Like a Family Tree

 Writing is interesting. With more open time (though quickly coming to a close) I would think I would easily make more time and become inspired with creative writing. I've had this progression and plan for a story for some time but didn't know how to go about it since its more related to genealogy from my grandmother, my dad's mom. I have some research and family trees borrowed from my sister from my Uncle, and it was supposed to be this summer project especially after a busy spring. What better way to enjoy some downtime and create this fiction, non-fiction story and put it down on paper. 

I'm not sure why I haven't formed any substantial ideas to record and start the process. I blame some of it on not feeling creative enough, with not enough good ideas or just feeling a bit unstimulated at times and looking ahead to a busier schedule that may give me more inspiration and ideas I've been seeking. Or maybe not. Maybe when I am more preoccupied, I wont have time, energy or any good economic advantage to pursue this story.

I know with my story writing, it needs to come from within, from a deep sense and urge, motivation to create and share a story, a perspective, and a purpose to name a few. I think this story would have a purpose since it has to do with my history and lineage, the past colliding with the present. And when I was bored last year and not busy or stimulated at my job, I created a whole family tree of characters, families, different generations that connected. I loved thinking of their history, their names, ages, children and cousins, though it was all fiction, somehow it came easily onto paper to imagine another generation of characters that was already formed in my prior story. 

I think I sense the pattern. Of being innovative, and creating something out of nothing, forming a story to share, how wonderful and powerful that journey is. These last days of summer vacation I want to make meaningful, special, innovative, and maybe this story will become part of it as I lean in to developing my creative writing and cultivating that reward of inspiration again. 

The Roads of Gratitude

Driving around my sister's area became more and more familiar. It brings back memories from the different times I've visited her, the various seasons of the past year. I used to think it was such a special place, so beautiful, refreshing, truly an oasis from my daily scenery and life. (And it still is!) I had the idealism thinking that it was better there, with her and her boyfriend having great times together and when I would join them it spoke true to me, life was better in that area and more joyful. I would always come back home and feel like I was missing out on something, things just felt more refreshing there and time and memories with my sister in her new living area didn't have the void or the sadness sometimes I would feel without her. 

I would go back to work that next Monday and think of her work, her school and with my school year empty with me in my classroom alone at the computer and students, teachers and busyness where she was. I would think of the streets, how interesting and fun it was to drive around and see new parts and areas, and then come back home and feel the 'same old, same old' type of feeling that resonated deeply. That was a lot of 28, just the deep, melancholy, comparison life seemed to feel.

Yesterday, coming back home and driving across the East Bay with traffic galore, and always the scenic and inspiring view of the bay and city, I felt different. Driving back home was like coming back on the same stretch of road, not better, not less, but a sense of equal, a sense of gratitude. I realized how grateful I am to be where I am now, living situation but also able to visit my sister easily enough, and grateful and happy where I am. That there is a reason for every season of life, and I want to enjoy this one as much as possible.

 Coming back home felt nice and exciting, and to realize all the gifts I've been given and a sense of home is a special thing. To recognize the beauty more close by or just around the corners. It's not about looking back and forth to what others have or don't have, but being present to the realities right in front of me, the gifts and graces God has given me for this time. And to thoroughly enjoy quality time with my sisters is an added bonus. :)

Driving the roads was more of a bigger outlook, an inner peace to take in and create my own and to continue to appreciate. As the saying goes, 'wherever you are, there you are', but to cultivate this specialness, gratefulness and joy in my own living and not just see in it in newer places and spaces, but call it my own.

2014 Summer Transitions

 

As I was cleaning and going through prayer cards and other miscellaneous, I came across this magazine sheet. This now ripped, and worn paper that for some reason, years later I have kept. I don't know why, maybe its because I wanted to look back on it like I did yesterday. It was that time when I would write lists like this on a magazine page for a creative and fun effect. That was so 2014, using J Crew magazines for my own ideas and list writing.

But upon looking at this list, so many memories came back to me from that summer of 2014. It was a transition summer for me, graduating and saying goodbye to my junior college and heading to University. My place of living would be the same to save money, but the world of academics, friendships, contacts, and faith would be largely different. It was this summer and year where my faith was growing more and more, as I went to daily Mass, starting praying more regularly and receiving the sacrament of confession via the Opus Dei recollections once held at St. Isidore's. 

My dear sister Elisabeth and I would often to go to Mass together in the morning and then make plans and head off to the library or our favorite café spot to study language, read and talk. She was immersed in her Spanish studies and quickly developing them, and I was freshening up again on my Chinese (notice on the sheet, I crossed out German and wrote Chinese in red). I remember practicing writing the Chinese characters on a little whiteboard to practice and trying to memorize a certain number each day. I would be taking my first Chinese class that Fall and felt inspired to minor in the language. I wanted to learn as much as I could on my own before classes started. 

When I look back at that summer I see the transition, and the growth. Different worlds were colliding together, and I was slowly realizing and feeling it. My friendships and ties to my former campus were weakening and I felt called to continue to learn and pursue my faith which over time was helping me let go of some contacts and embrace what was before me- a whole new school and experience that was daunting, exciting, a whole new learning curve. And it wasn't what I expected or really wanted it to be. Those three years at University were soul crushing at times, incredibly isolating and lonely most times, but incredible growth and perspective in my faith, hobbies, interests, creativity, innovation and independence played out over it all. 

I couldn't help but notice writing on my summer list of researching more about a Masters in Library Science. I remember this was something that I was thinking about and considering. I was a declared English major and people could see me pursuing it. I don't recall how or when I let go of that idea, but throughout college it didn't come back, until a few years after post grad (it was actually brought upon by some family members). 

That time is pivotal and very distinctive in my mind. My sisters and I had a lot of fun times together, day trips to Santa Cruz, SF, bonfire with other young adult Catholics in our backyard, shopping, TOT events. Susie and I held the same job at Kumon, we would commute the short distance together and easily talk about our workday, duties and coworkers. I remember working a good portion of that summer, even when our nieces were visiting for 2 weeks and babysitting them, it was a busy time. Us sisters did a shopping haul and then did a fun photo shoot with what we bought. And my sister's nice, fancy camera captured our visits and sights to the vibrant and bustling city of SF. 

That summer, many summers ago now has been a focal point to the start of a new journey with language, more fun memories and laughs with my sisters, increasing my love for my faith and eventually figuring out my path in college and switching my interests and studies from English literature to International Studies. I know my two older sisters were going through their own times of trust, transition, faith and discernment as your 20's is very much notorious for!

Still relishing this summer, and all that's left and taking advantage of slower days and time to organize! Organizing makes other memories and past days come about, and easily makes my mind wander. Here's to the precious days of summer, and my parent's anniversary tomorrow!:)

Things Growing

 When I think about this season of the church known as 'Ordinary Time', I recall back to a homily from a priest a number of weeks ago referring to this season. He mentioned how children he was speaking to and showing the rectory to and some components of Mass and the priest like the priest's garments and the colors of the liturgical seasons. The children said the green color reminded them of 'things growing'. This priest referred to this liturgical season as anything but ordinary, but rather of our spiritual life growing, adapting and God leading us through the changes. 

I have kept this component from this priests' homily in my pocket. When I see the green decorations in the church I am reminded of this or the priest's vestments. I'm even reminded of this when I think about summer and see the glorious green beauty all around me, the blossoming flowers and their green leaves, or the magnolia tree's supple leaves showcasing the glory of the white, delicate flowers radiating this time of year. 

But I also think about my own season that I am in, and where I have been. Thinking about the changes I have experienced and endured around me as well as the good growth I have encountered. I come back to that point of 'growing' and changing in God's time.

I was recently visiting my sweet sister and immediately I was wrapped in a warm hug upon greeting, as well as the memories of the past visits to her cute apartment. All of those prior visits instill a distinct memory, time, feeling and season. 

The first time I visited her was just a few weeks after she had moved in and she was getting settled and adapted. I had helped her move in, and remember that well. My first visit though was Labor Day weekend, just a few short days after her birthday. She was happy, peaceful and excited to enter a new decade, a new year and make a place her own and enter into her career. It was so fun visiting her in her new area, her new home but also a bit challenging. Things still felt unsettled for me with this big transition and how the rest of the year would look for my job, ect... It was beautiful to explore a new area, and everything felt fresh and vibrant in the neighborhoods with the blooming flowers and trees, and the summer heat was still very much present with its blistering hand. It was a special time, but also a lot ahead, a lot of unknowns.

I visited my sister again in mid Fall, Halloween weekend which was a lot of fun! It was then that I met her new boyfriend she had recently stated dating. I had heard so much about him on the phone and in person, it was special to finally meet him. I had a lot of thoughts and memories about where my sister had been, the struggles she had had, as well as other guys she had dated in the past. He seemed so much different than all of them, better, and I could sense the chemistry, love, peace, and joy they had around each other. I knew there was a sense on my heart for a relationship, even as my sister asked me if I would want to, but I knew it wasn't the time, but the desire was there. I was happy for her. It was the time to consider my Masters program and applying for it, which I did a few days later. It felt like a new chapter, and the falling, crunchy leaves, roaming pumpkins, and the spice and caramel presence in the air made the excitement and celebration of a new season, and closing of the year more special.

My dear sister and I visited her in the middle of December, on the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe for a sleep over all together. We had some more quality time with her boyfriend, as well as sister chats and breakfast and  morning coffee together. Change of plans made us flexible with the Pandemic and the pouring rain while driving to In-N-Out and through the glassy streets of Tiburon, always notorious in my mind for the Fall dance a few years prior. The holiday season was upon us, as well as the busyness, excitement of intricacies and specialness of Advent. There was anticipation to start my program come the new year.

Winter came and went. My sweet sister and I were in touch and saw each other in my area, but it was difficult to slow down and gather the quality time we were seeking. I visited her in mid March, the first day of spring. It was exciting to end the winter season which felt long, cold and dreary. The countdown was on for spring break and the anticipation for blooms and warmer weather ahead! My parents and I met her boyfriend's brother and Mom and had a formal, delicious lunch together. Overall, it was a busy weekend with change of plans for Mass due to size limits and reservations, and a full morning of driving and navigating churches. It came about to be a busy week also, and just a lot to process. I was feeling burnt out with my program and job and was very much looking forward to Easter. 

And July, I visited after what felt like a long while though we had just seen each other the week prior for the 4th and some family gatherings. These memories came to me, and I realized the internal growth, development and journey. My sister's clean, vibrant, oasis of a place made me relax, and reflect. As I slept on the floor in her room that night, the blowing air and freshness of the fan made my mind consider all that has happened in a years time. It felt like a new freshness, growth has developed and the pictures on her walls of  blooms, and artwork fit the experience. 

While we were at Starbucks together, I saw pictures of plants on the walls, and it made these ideas, realizations all come together and help depict an image of gathering the growth, gratitude and being present to it all resonate within me.

That Time in July

 

I came across this picture while perusing through family photo albums a few weeks ago. It shows my mom, her younger sister and brother holding swimming ribbons and her mom proud in the background. Behind them is their beautiful home in Concord. As I saw this picture, it brought me instantly to a year ago today, and I knew I wanted to write about it. Its been so pivotal in last year's memories and what felt like a start to a new season of growing pains and changes of the heart.

I won't forget the day, July 13th, 2020. Actually, it started the day before in the evening when we were in the backyard eating some treats our neighbors had given us due to the loss of our dear nephew and grandson, Ignacio Rafael. I had an idea to do something the next day, to embrace these summer days. It was the feeling of having endless days that were free, but it was becoming more of a burden than a blessing. There was a sense of yearning, desire to do something, to be busy, productive but once again it was falling to myself. So, I said to my mom, "Let's go to Concord and see your old home." It would be nice to see her former house once again and also be in a different area. 

There were transitions that I was internally dealing with and processing such as Susie planning to move out, as well as anticipating a school year ahead with no idea how it would look like. I remember I went to Mass that morning, grateful to still attend indoor Masses amidst the Pandemic (it would only be a few days later that things would shut down again). 

There was so much stirring in my heart that I was processing. I felt so intensely the feeling of getting nowhere- of being in the same place and letting those feelings, and insecurities overwhelm me. This was mostly brought upon when I briefly saw an old acquaintance from ministry who was visiting that church and area with his wife and baby girl. (His older brother had just gotten married a few days prior). It felt so weird for me, and I remember there were so many deep emotions about it, again with seeing others lives 'move forward' and mine felt very stagnant. It felt like a piercing to my heart. I also remember lamenting to my sisters about this, and their understanding and own experiences relating to my own.

That afternoon, my mom and I drove to Concord, her reliving the streets, swim club, neighborhoods. It was interesting hearing about her memories, her upbringing, childhood years living in that house, siblings, and parents. It felt we were reliving the past and sneaking up upon it. 

My mom said it looked almost exactly the same, with a black cat at the door:)

I took a picture of the house seen above, but tried not to make it so obvious since a mom and her son were outside, her helping him applying sun screen before swimming. After the drive by and mom reminiscing about old neighbors on their court, we drove near Clayton to briefly visit St. Bonaventure's (his feast day is July 15th) and it was the parish my former non official spiritual director got transitioned to a few months prior. I had a lot memories of his time at his former parish. We just passed through the parking lot and saw some of the grounds but it didn't look like the church was open. 

Afterwards, my mom had the idea of going to the consignment store, "Growing Pains", used merchandise for children as she always enjoys purchasing clothes, books, and or toys for her grandchildren. But the name spoke for itself, I felt like I was going through my very own growing pains. On the way home, I tried to think of ideas to keep myself inspired and busy for the next few weeks. I thought of getting back into watercolor and painting, desperately trying to savor open summer days and time with Susie. 

I will share some of my journal writing from this time here:

"This summer feels so different than past ones. I can remember well last summer trying to figure out the next steps and applying to jobs. 2018 was a hard summer with one summer class, a little tutoring and a whole new feeling of being 26. 2017 was an active and busy summer, one that I still cherish after a long and a difficult journey being in school. This summer of 2020 has felt quite different, one than any before. I feel like my heart is in a whole new place, one where its never been before. Things are a lot more sensitive, tender and real. I really feel like there's a longing on my heart for something more, something deeper...

There are many big questions that feel daunting, like where's my life headed? What's going to happen? What will the future look like? How can my interests and passions be used in a more intimate, fulfilling, and purposeful way? How can I share my interests, talents, knowledge?

...This season, time will help me grow stronger in myself, my faith, and love for God- united to His sufferings and cross. I know He will give me the graces, peace, and consolation I need. Mary will also be my loving Mother, looking tenderly on me and sending me her lovely roses of graces and graces filled of light and hope, knowing full well Jesus her son will be interceding and guiding me on this path, this journey of life and faith." 

Susie and I made plans the next evening to go to Target just for some fun browsing and possibly some needed purchases. It was then that she told me I needed a new wallet, and she paid for it with her gift card:) We had fun looking around at notebooks and frivolous stuff and even trying on summer hats. Afterwards, I didn't want to go him just yet. She had the idea of driving by my old job- the preschool I used to work at! I hadn't passed by it since I stopped working there over 11 months prior and the memories and that time, those struggles flooded back to me. And I thought, 'oh why did I take that time for granted? Those sufferings weren't nearly as hard as now, and at least I had Susie at home.' It was like I missed those times in a mysterious way. So much was changing in front of me! 

That night, Susie pulled up her Facebook and we saw some photos of the wedding of the guy who was in ministry and helped plan alongside Susie. His journey was truly amazing and we were in awe of how and where God brought him to. We even browsed through his wife's profile, and Susie knew of her from years ago. Their story, journey and faith brought me a lot of hope and joy. 

I had the idea to make a list with Susie of some fun things we could do together before her move. Some of the activities we did were: movie night! Pride & Prejudice and a St. Therese documentary, walk together at a park, bike ride, water color paint night, reading nights, massages, language studies and a pilgrimage. I was so emotional that night with her and cried and cried about the unknown and all I was going through and just our lives separating at such an intense time for me. She listened and gave me words of encouragement. 

A Bible verse spoke to me during this time to help me remember the meaning and purpose of these growing pains and struggles that I was experiencing. "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born says the Lord."- Isaiah 66:9. 

Sophomore Slumps and Strides

 Freshman year came and went. Some things that developed from Freshman year lingered into Sophomore year of High school. My sister Susie mentioned to me about restarting a Pro-life Club on campus that our 2 older sisters had previously started a few years prior. I had played PYB basketball in 9th grade, but I felt up for the challenge to try out for the High school team and I heard more about it from a former teammate who was a year younger than me regarding training and tryouts. Susie and I were in Confirmation classes and were thinking about a confirmation saint to choose that we admired and could pray to, as well as a confirmation sponsor whom we looked up to and could pray for us. 

Elisabeth and I with face masks, late summer 2008

 

Sophomore year felt different than Freshman year. I could automatically tell the classes were harder, there were higher expectations, and I was figuring out my friend group. I would say it was a weird and somewhat awkward year navigating friends. I had a falling out with a friend from Freshman year, and was adjusting to a new schedule, new classes and trying to form some friendships within my classes. It wasn't always so easy. For instance, like P.E. which I had 1st period, I had a few other girls to talk to but overtime I didn't really connect with them as they were in Honors and AP classes and I definitely was not. I remember they would talk about their classes and academics a lot. It was kind of a safe group since they were very academic, and I knew I could at least be myself. 

A few of my classes after early morning P.E. weren't my favorite like World History and Biology. I can say I enjoy learning about History now, but as a 16 year old it all went over my head, and I didn't learn the way my teacher was introducing topics such as role play scenarios. It was a difficult class, as well as challenging to connect with my classmates. I had one friend who I sat with at lunch from that class, but I would call her more as an acquaintance/classmate.

 Bio was probably the most intimidating. It was a naturally hard subject for me with a cool teacher, but very challenging. My brother Matthew would sometimes help me with the material or quiz me for a test when he was home which was helpful. I remember feeling very alone though in that class with my thoughts, but also insecure in my test scores and interacting with others. I think I was also interiorly stressed, and my teacher could tell. It turned out that I got a 'D' my first semester and had to retake it my first semester of Junior year. Luckily, I passed with a 'C' my 2nd semester. Susie and I would often have time together during 'Brunch' time which was after this class. It was nice to catch up about our days and just lament to her about Bio frustrations. 

Math was next and it was interesting. We had a new teacher, somewhere in her mid to late 20's. She was nice, but too nice to some of the annoying and popular kids who would draw boundaries like purposely mixing up her last name to make it the name of an alcoholic drink! About 2 or 3 weeks into the school year, my classmates and I came to class and our teacher wasn't there! We found out that she left, she quit and another math teacher had to use his prep period to take our class for the remainder of the school year. He was an okay teacher, and it was there in that class that I reconnected with my old friend Katie who I had briefly known of in elementary school and saw her around Freshman year. I also didn't connect with any of my classmates, and she was having a really rough time with her friend group who eventually all left her. I introduced her to my one friend, Natalie from History and welcomed her to our secluded spot at lunch to join us. Eventually, that nice little spot became more popular with some other contacts and friends joining later that year and into Junior year.

English was also a low favorite that year. My 6'10 teacher made everyone feel short, and his rather interesting and somewhat annoying jokes made the class feel less and less serious or inspiring for me. I had a hard time relating and connecting with anyone, and I didn't get very inspired with the texts we were reading. I remember a lot of popular kids who would fool around, and I felt like a quiet nobody at times. It would be in Senior year I would have the same teacher again for English, but luckily I knew his teaching style or lack thereof. 

French was a good class. It became harder as the months progressed and the teacher was French herself which made it challenging to fully gather the material and the conjugations. It was a somewhat silly and fun class with different grades all mixed together. I remembered I befriended a girl who was a Senior, Bahareh, but she said she wanted to change her name to 'Jordan' since she thought it was pretty. It was nice to have her there as we would talk and laugh about different happenings within the class. It was this teacher who was our liaison for the club and this classroom where my sister and I had our Pro-life meetings. In the beginning, there were a number of people, but with every meeting we got a solid number of regulars and members.

In October, the conditioning for basketball started. I did it for about a month before tryouts. I remember I wanted my friend Natasha to join me as she was into basketball, and we were on the same team together in 6th grade. For some reason, she changed her mind, but I felt that I should still go through with it. They were intense workout sessions after school and I would see other girls in way better shape and skill than me. It really did feel like a boot camp! Then, came tryouts in early Fall which were also a lot of dribbling, shooting, passing, running and tricks like dribbling behind your back which I had never learned or succeeded with before. I was pleasantly surprised I made the JV team, and most of the other  girls were sophomores like me, with 2 or 3 Freshman on the team.

 It would turn out to be a long, busy and tiring season. I wanted to quit a few times but I stuck with it. I went to every game even if I really wanted to be at the Walk for Life with the Pro-life club in January. I again had a difficult time connecting with my teammates. I didn't share any classes with any of them which could have helped with that bond. But I also just felt different, things that they were into and always talking about- Facebook, getting your permit and license, boys, phones- I didn't have and didn't care to get into. I think I also felt misunderstood about why I didn't drive yet or have a phone, but I was just being me and that was okay. I remember a lot of social events like pasta nights the night before games, bonding times during breaks or weekends that I didn't always go to and never really wanted to,  carpooling rides to games, and social/bonding time after games. My true introvert self was shining through!

The good thing was that I was stretched a lot- literally and figuratively. There were a lot of stretches we did in our practices, but I was also forced to grow a lot and get more in shape. There was a lot of 'humble pie' with games, always being the bench warmer, and the last resort to get the team on track in a game. I had a challenging time memorizing the plays as that was mostly new to me. And I would easily mess up on the court, with our coach yelling and stomping her feet to know we were doing something incorrectly. Somehow though, at the end of the season I received the, 'Most Improved' award and my coach gave me a card with words "I have truly enjoyed your positive outlook! You have shown everyone that you are a hard worker and that you became a fav on this team. I thank you for never giving up and always showing me your true self. :)"

There were other good and special moments Sophomore year like dances. I went with a group of people- some friends but mostly acquaintances to Homecoming dance, my first high school dance. I was continuing to write and develop my short stories. I remember well one Fall day during Thanksgiving break and having Basketball practices. I didn't really look forward to them and how tiring they were but thinking about writing and developing ideas for stories lightened the mood for me. Susie and I would get confirmed January of 2009. I would choose my older dear sister, Elisabeth as my confirmation sponsor and felt inspired by the Holy Spirit to choose St. Maria Goretti as my confirmation saint, patroness of youth and purity. All 4 years of High school I saw the musicals which were so fun and enjoyable to watch! Freshman year was 'Thoroughly Modern  Millie' and Sophomore year was 'Bye Bye Birdie'. The musical play done my Freshman year was by far my favorite. It was done again in 2018 and I saw it again and it brought so many memories of my Freshman year.

There were fun times with Susie with bus rides home, learning and navigating the Pro-life Club together with her as President and me as Vice President. And I always enjoyed my siblings' visits home from college. Elisabeth and I were in contact through letters or email. There were camp prep weekends to look forward to and the infamous week of camp in the early summer with friends, other counselors and new campers. That summer Susie and I also helped out with our oldest sister's camp in Santa Maria for a week as counselors. Sophomore year would be my last year of basketball as well as French. There was more to come with Junior year such as heavy transitions and learning curves, painful abdomen pains, and insecurities to pave through. I knew I would miss having Susie with me as she went on to college, and my younger brother would join me. 

Ryan's return home party from Iraq, Fall 2008