Words of Comfort

 "Do not be afraid!" Those are the words that I heard from St. Pope John Paul II when I watched a video clip of his sayings. It gave me great comfort, for I know that Jesus said those same words many different times to his disciples, to those seeking to be healed in some fashion, even the archangel Gabriel said this statement first to Our Lady at the annunciation. The angels said to the shepherds on Christmas night after Jesus was born to not be afraid. 

There are so many instances in our lives where there is fear, fear of the unknown, of the future, of possibilities and unpredictability's. Fear grips us of our joy and to be present to the here and now. The present is where God is, with the gifts and graces we receive. I think fear shows up in different moments of our lives that sometimes we don't know that it is actually fear leading us. You may wonder, has fear gripped me at all recently? No, not really. But in some ways it has because it has shown its ugly face in the feelings of stress, restlessness and worries which do not seek to rest in Christ's arms of mercy and confidence, but rather to let the stirrings dictate the heart and mind. 

I primarily wanted to look up this video of St. Pope JP II in order to hear him speak. I never met him in person in this life, so what better way to connect and draw closer to him and his intercession as he is my saint of the year! This video was also a bit different since it showcased the many languages he spoke well. As of lately, I have been immersed and inspired in my head regarding languages and with deciding to pick up some German again. I wanted to know if St. Pope John Paul II also knew or spoke some German, and he did, as well as French which I have also been relearning on the side. He knew a variety of languages and could connect with a multiple of cultures and people, how beautiful! He was the most traveled Pope.

Hearing him speak in English, 'Do not be afraid' among other words was comforting, and I could sense his vigor and strength and love for Christ. At work on Friday, since it was a day after a holiday and not busy, I had the idea to look up and write down some of his famous and beautiful quotes to help me feel more connected with him at my job. When it wasn't very productive for me, I knew I could be pleasing to him as he always tried to be busy and productive throughout his days. 

A Little Reflection

 November is a very reflective month. I don't recall how special it is until now, with prayers for those holy souls and those who have gone before us, as well as the beloved saints. Its the anticipation of transition to the holiday season, and the change in liturgical year, Advent! 

Today is Veteran's Day, and I'm thankful for those who have served, but also very thankful for this much needed day off. It feels like a burn out of always thinking of the next thing, going from here to there, and thinking of how to keep my much needed busy and inspired mind to stay just like that when work doesn't pale in comparison. I realize more and more how much of a break that I need, as well as so many others who have been crunching through the daily grind, and the beautiful Fall leaves!

Its easy to forget the beauty all around me when I become so preoccupied of other things- things I need to get done, or things in the future that set my mind in a time or place that doesn't exist yet and therefore there's no reason to fret. Its far too easy to forget at times how God is working and moving, His inspirations and grace when it feels like the daily grind has too large of a grip over me. On the days I go to daily Mass, the scales over my eyes fall and I can really feel and embrace His presence and grace amidst the ordinary. 

In the little moments, I can reflect upon all that I have been given and gifted with. Little inspirations can come, like the time last week when I went to library on my lunch break to peruse through the books. I came across the language section and hopped on to the fun idea of learning German (again), and a book by Harold Kushner. It brought some joy to my day and some fun inspirations to think about the rest of the day.

The little things are something I want to focus on since that's where God is, and as St. Mother Teresa said, "Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love." How often I need the Mother Teresa and her wisdom, outlook and holiness as well as other favorite saints to help remind me of these truths.

Now for some Fall leaves and inspiration:) 

Oct. 2020

A good reflection piece from my Professor's slide presentation, INFO 202

Navidad near my books

Joke from Professor slides about 'site mapping' and websites, Info 202

Prayers and confidence to Our Lady, inspired by St. Pope JP II, from my sister

All Saints Day

 I love this time of year. The anticipation of Halloween has passed and all things holiday, festivities are upon us. I have come to realize my love for this anticipation for Advent. Our culture has Christmas music playing constantly, decorations neatly put up and a mad dash for buying from now till the Dec. 23rd, a mission to accomplish and something to celebrate for the remaining of the year. 

But I love that the Catholic Church allows for the process of it all, the process of gearing our homes and hearts for Christ to come, to be born in a humble stable born for the world. And the enjoyment to celebrate with family and food, Thanksgiving and all we are grateful for before the true meaning of the season comes upon us. 

Speaking of festivities, yesterday was All Saints Day. A beautiful and profound feast day to remember and celebrate the great many known and not as well known saints in heaven. A number come to mine that are my 'go to', and my favorites as well as those I want to grow a closer relationship to and learn more about.

Some of my favorites:

-Our Lady

-St. Joseph

-St. Maria Faustina

-St. John Paul II

-St. Padre Pio

-St. Gemma Galgani

-St. Anthony of Padua

-Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati

-St. Zelie and Louis Martin

-St. Therese of Lisieux

-St. Mother Teresa

-St. Gianna Molla

-St. Augustine

-St. Oscar Romero

-Bl. Miguel Pro

-St. Anne

-St. Josemaria

St. Michael, St. Gabriel, &St. Raphael Archangels

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~~~

Saints I want to learn more about/grow in devotion to:

-St. John Vianney

-St. Francis de Sales

-St. Catherine of Siena

-St. Teresa of Avila

-St. Charles Borromeo

-St. John the Evangelist

-St. Andrew the Apostle

-St. Monica

-St. Edith Stein

-St. Maximillian Kolbe

-St. Jerome

-St. Gertrude

-St. Margaret Mary

Last year for Christmas, a friend gave me a cooking with saints throughout the year cookbook. It's a wonderful gift and I love looking through it and reading the anecdotes of saints mentioned and what dish goes with them according to their region or something from their life. I've made a few different recipes and I love that its not just cooking delicious food and new flavors to try, but also connecting with the saints in a fun and unique way!

May the Saints continue to inspire and help us on our way to Christ! May their faith, conviction and good deeds encourage us with all the graces we need. 

Photos and Friends Senior Year

 The summer heading into Senior year was exciting and fun. One of the events being visiting our cousin in Ashland, Oregon for a few days in early August. It was one of my sister's idea and so the 4 of us girl drove up the 10 hours to see her. It had been about 5 years since we had last seen her, in what felt like a long time and a lot had happened. It was an enjoyable time to catch up with her and her life there, and have excursions and see parts of Ashland that we summarized as a hippie town. 

I had recently turned 18, and I remember had a low key but nice birthday that summer. I had stable friends but didn't feel like do anything fancy for my bday celebration, as I usually just enjoyed family time. It was nice to be a Senior and have one last year of High school. I was still taking some hard classes like AP Psych, Anatomy and I had difficult times in Civics and Economics. 

I no longer had the Students for Life Club as it was too much of a stressor for me the year prior and what felt like a burden. I already felt rather busy with some of my harder classes and that September I landed a job at IHOP. It was my first real job and it was a quite the learning curve. I didn't feel like I got much training, and was mostly just thrown into a hostess position. I didn't like it at all, I disliked my uniform, and overall just felt uncomfortable and awkward in what felt like a mature work environment with no one really my age. That job ended as quickly as it started, but I was happy and felt relieved since I didn't feel ready for a job outside of babysitting at that time and didn't want my grades to suffer. 

That Fall was when a former contact came back to school as she was out of the area for her Junior year. I remembered her as we played on the same basketball team in 6th grade and briefly got to know each other in early high school. We hit it off that school year, and I started feeling closer to her than other friends that we shared. Overtime, I felt like we had more things in common that we could relate to. It was nice having her around, and she was naturally more social than me so that helped. We didn't always agree in political viewpoints or controversial topics but I was glad that we could discuss things without ruining our friendship. 

I also remember that Fall I visited my dear sister who was living in SF and finishing up her college studies. She lived in a little back room that was cute and quaint. It was my first time taking the public transit alone since I always had Susie to take Bart with in high school. If I wasn't so afraid, I would have visited much more frequently since it was only about an hour ride. It was a fun weekend we had spent together catching up with each other about our schedules and lives. I remember she had recently cut her bangs in a blunt style and they looked so good on her. We were always talking about fashion and fun things like that. She even offered to shop for and find me my homecoming dress that Fall, it was a halter style and a deep blue/purple. It was so thoughtful of her to do that for me.

Come January, I was ready for Senior year to be over and desperately had Senioritis, as they say. I didn't love my classes. I had  Econ start at 7am and that was always hard to be excited for. The class that was kind of interesting was Foods, I took it with a different teacher than Junior year and liked her teaching style and the different things we got to cook. I had the same teacher for Math I did Freshman year which was fine, he was always calling me, 'Redmond!' and my English teacher was the same as Sophomore year. I didn't admire his character at all since I found him to be so uncreative an uninspiring to the subject matter. I also had a rather annoying guy who would try to talk to me and sit near me through the school year especially towards the end of the year.

For community service hours, I made blankets with my friend Natasha to donate to an organization and we had fun making them together at my house. We had other fun outings together, talking more about common interests and laughing together. She loved photography and taking pictures and she always thought that I could be a model, and I always disagreed. 

Senior year brought with it its own musings and contemplation. At times I felt deep in thought and enjoyed reading and going to the library, writing and running throughout the weeks. I also enjoyed writing letters to my camp friends during the school year and describing to them what I was up to. 

Thinking about college, I never blinked an eye to attending a University first. I just knew deep down that I wasn't ready for that and also didn't have any inkling to what I would study. I felt confident in pursuing community college first and didn't even bother with college applications and essays. It was split between my friends. One of the would be moving at the end of the school year to Texas with her family and attending a JC there, and another would be pursuing Medical school in Ireland. It would be me and Natasha who would be staying local to attend community college first. And I'm grateful, since I grew a lot during that time of transition to a junior college and grateful that I still had a friend nearby whom I could see and catch up with often. 

I went to more school events Senior year than years prior such as homecoming skit night, Mr. Amador, and of course Senior Ball and Grad Night. I couldn't find any dress I liked to wear to Ball, so I was open to my Mom making a dress for me. With material discounted, it came roughly to $20! It was a toga style and definitely unique and original. But I loved wearing it that night, and liked the dark, mid night blue color. I knew no none else would have the same dress as me, that's for sure! I enjoyed deciding how I wanted to do my hair and my make up and got my nails manicured. I had fun with the group and the 2 friends I went with, and one slow dance with the guy who liked me from English class. 

For graduation, I knew that I wanted to pick my Math teacher from Junior year to hand me my diploma. She was by far a favorite teacher of mine, and an added plus that she made me feel so confident at Math as well as enjoy it! It was special to choose her as the memories from her class really helped and bolster my self-esteem that year. 

Ending high school felt amazing and looking up at the starry night that warm June night was thrilling and rewarding! I felt ready to get a FB account and get a phone- claim my mom's flip phone as my own. That summer I made a quick decision to participate in the Lights, Camera, Action program for a week in LA. We had a fun and full graduation party combined for a few of my siblings graduating college and myself. I was ready for the next chapter and see what lie ahead.

Those Treasured Fall Days

 

I came across this photo recently and it brings back certain memories. It was mid October 2011 and my sisters and I were having fun snapping photos of each other in the Fall air. It was a glorious autumn Sunday and my dear sister had moved back home and my other sweet sister was visiting from college. I had recently started my first semester of Junior College. I felt the newness and hardness of navigating school in every where, especially when it came to friends and forming connections. 

What made that part of the semester a bit more enjoyable was having my dear sister with me on campus as she was taking a Spanish night class. A few times, I remember meeting up with her on campus, as she would come to the campus earlier before one of my classes and we would have lunch together and talk. That was a real treat!

The next day after this photo was taken, her and I had some time together in the mid morning before one of my classes. We were chatting about majors and jobs that could pertain to it. She initially gave me the idea of English to major in or creative writing and gave some good sisterly advice of doing more research about some jobs/careers associated with it. I also recall her driving me to school a number of times on Wednesdays, her day off from her job at Kumon. Those car rides were a nice alternative to the bus ride and a chance to have some more time together during her day off. 

I also remember a time when she bought me lunch and brought it to school. She had went to the Mall before hand and bought herself a fashionable blazer like cardigan, similar to a style she liked. It was always refreshing and enjoyable to spend time together as I was adjusting. I stayed later one time before her evening Spanish class started and we were talking in the library. She was talking and researching jobs about flight attendants. It was inspiring hearing about her ideas, as she was a newly college graduate and I was just dipping my toes into the thrills and novelty of it all. 

Over time, that first semester became easier and more enjoyable. I do remember a lot of pain of feeling alone navigating my classes and transitioning to a new campus with a new and longer bus route (those bus rides became a time of reflection, reading and connecting with other students). Those months would eventually become a bit easier and more enjoyable as I met more people,  got involved on campus. I would start feeling more connected and part of my school, making connections and friends.

I do treasure those Fall days because they allowed for creativity and a depth to shine through unlike I had experienced prior. I remember missing some memories from high school and my small friend group, as well as the less rigorous work load and content in some classes. But there were many good things that happened during that time, (like creating my first blog- another idea from my sister!) 

These October days have a special feel too, and 10 years ago is something to behold and be grateful for. A lot of growth and realizations, but also a lot of the same as God has guided me through. 

October Feast Day

 It was a beautiful start to the morning yesterday, with the orange hues slowly lighting up the sky as a backdrop to the dark blue paints of the early morning sky. It's October 1st, the first day of my favorite month, and loveliest month of Fall. Also, the feast day of St. Therese of Lisieux, a saint and a family I admire. 

It was only a year ago that I learned more about this inspiring saint's family, her parents, St. Zelie and St. Louis Martin as well as her other siblings, 4 who died as infants or toddler age, and her 4 older sisters who like her entered into religious life and the same Carmelite Convent. (Except for her sister Leonie who joined the Visitation Order). It's all due to my dear sister who had read more about St. Therese's parents and family that made me intrigued to know more after her telling all about the interesting details and intricacies of the Martin Family from France. 

I think its amazing to feel connected, inspired or encouraged from a saint family. Just like St. Therese, I am also the youngest daughter, with 4 older sisters. I seen and witnessed their lives, vocations develop and have had so manty fun, special and memorable times together. I can connect with St. Therese in this way, and feel a special connection to her because of it. 

This summer on my birthday, we visited a Carmelite House and saw a statue in front of the grounds of St. Therese. Last Fall, I was reading books about the Martin family and St. Zelie and Louis. It made me interested and inspired to learn more about their spiritual lives, God's unique workings in their lives and I felt another connection with the French language, as I was picking up French again. It was a difficult Fall season, but I felt sense of hope and confidence that just like St. Zelie receiving divine answers from Our Lady about her state in life and her work, I too would receive answers for my deep questioning about my path. 

As I drove in the early evening to adoration on the same road I did in the early sunrise, I could sense a different kind of beauty. The sky was a mysterious darkness that got more stark as I continued. I thought about the darkness in St. There's own life, her final days, years of feeling abandoned by God. She only experienced darkness, in a similar way to St. Mother Teresa (though M. Teresa for much longer). This darkness of the sky made me think of that, but how God's hand and providence was still at work. And now she is a saint. Her little way is something I want to continue to be reminded of and put into practice. Gratitude and surrender are her words to live by.

The Harvest Moon

 I saw the largest moon on Sunday evening. The largest I think since New Years Eve. It was a beautiful dusk sky, with hues of pink and purple, and a tint of summer's breath. I just wanted it to stay that way for a while. I was with my sister, shopping as she was briefly visiting dropping off Navidad, the beloved black cat. We had a fun and enjoyable time browsing the store together, shopping for needed items and putting it into our carts.

 I have an easy time looking back, especially on a year ago. So much was changing around me, within me, it was a lot. Most days I felt like I couldn't handle it, carry this heavy and unique cross. I remember coming to the same store my sister and I went to after work one October day. Shopping for some needed things, a few fun items (like a Freida Kalho shirt). I felt a sense of missing, missing something, and missing someone, my sister. Who doesn't love shopping with their sister, with a girlfriend? Shopping alone is good too, but it always seems so much more fun and special to shop with a sister, one who knows your style, you know theirs and the light heartedness of sharing ideas and opinions about shoes, clothes, etc..

I know that I've grown a lot since then, I've also learned more about myself. I had my sister with me on Sunday, and it didn't feel so much of 'I don't want you to leave, I wish you could stay, I miss the old times' type thinking. It was very much just embracing the present moment together, appreciating and loving her presence since it is such a gift. 

I could recall even in February that we also went shopping on a evening week night. That was special, since I typically don't go to stores/shop on those days, but what more fun with a sister! But I felt such a longing for more in my schedule, in my life. Distant learning was burning me out and I felt so alone, isolated most of the time. My sister had a nice break in February for 'ski week' so she could visit for a bit. Although my schedule hadn't changed, we still made some quality time together. But it brought with it so many memories of our times together, her memories and ours, when she was living at home, just so much. It was hard not to notice the nostalgia and sadness creeping in, difficult to shake off. 

But on Sunday, I didn't feel like that. I felt more sturdy and stable in my own two feet where I am, and doing what I'm doing. It's not perfect or easy all the time, but its improved a lot in my attitude, thinking, gratitude and what I focus on. So far, nothing compares to the rawness and deep challenges of last year.

Picture I took a few years ago

That harvest moon, its brightness, depth and glow reminded me of an evening where I took a run in the dusk time, right before the Fall equinox a few years ago. (There's a Chinese celebration based off the harvest moon, and awaiting the change of season due to the size of the moon). 

That moment brought wonder, appreciation, and beauty. Just like my time with my sister on Sunday evening, the moon we saw portrayed its abundance, its fullness. I felt an abundance of gratitude, as well as beauty, awe being with my sister and looking up at the harvest moon.

Jumping Head First into Junior Year

 Junior year of High School was my hardest year academically as well as mentally and emotionally. It was the year that my classes became more rigorous with U.S. History, Chemistry, Ceramics (it was an elective, but it was a painful class for me, more on that later). It was the year of a lot of change and adjustments, the most I had ever experienced with three of my older sisters moving away after having them at home for summer and the prior semester. I got my own room, the room that all my sisters had lived in before me (I'm currently still living in this room:)) and shared the rest of my high school experience with my younger brother which dare I say, were awkward, frustrating, interesting and hard to navigate most of the time. 

It was my first year without basketball. I had played it for eight consecutive years, one of them being on the JV team and I decided and knew I couldn't do another year. Susie entered her first year of College and I stepped up to President for the Students for Life Club. Some of the hard work and logistics were already determined like who would enter into the other positions of Vice President, Treasure. My sister Susie and I debriefed the planning for the months ahead for the school year during summer vacation on a family camping trip, and we already elected the VP and Treasurer for the club. But things didn't turn out so smoothly as I had anticipated or hoped. 

Family camping trip

Like I wrote, my three older sisters had all previously lived at home for some time, and I had gotten used to their presence, especially Susie and I since we had shared rooms, and been together for two years of High school. I remember how difficult it was to see them all go their sperate ways, lives and adventures. Susie and Meghan moved out for College, starting and finishing their college experience and years. And dear Elisabeth was moving to Italy for study abroad for 9 months! How much further she would be away from home. It was the first time ever it was just me and younger brother Steven at home together, with no older siblings above us. It was a year of trial and suffering, challenges that gave me a lot of growth. 

I can still remember my schedule, the teachers and environment of each class. I started the morning early with History, the same teacher Susie had her Junior year. I had already heard a lot about him, his quirks, loud and energetic music in the morning and his jokes, usually borderline suggestive and inappropriate. In all, he kept things interesting and lively. But it wasn't my favorite subject or class. I didn't sense that I was fully grasping the material all the time and I remember if we worked in groups for some assignments, I didn't really connect or have friendships with my other classmates. I vividly remember daydreaming one morning while my teacher was giving a lecture early on in the year about the Gilded Age and some Progressive movements and in my head I was only thinking about after school and looking forward to watch 'Anne of Green Gables'! Haha

I always dreaded the next class, Ceramics. It was certainly, most probably my least favorite class that year. I thought since it was an Art class, I would be good at it, since I'm a creative person. It was quite the contrary, because it wasn't the Art class I was used to. I immediately felt intimated by it. The first thing we learned was the wheel. It's a tool to spin clay on and then form, shape and sculpt it into something small like a cup, or a mug. There's a pedal on the bottom, and as you press pedal the clay spins faster. You can add some drops of water to add moisture and certain hand techniques to structure it.

One of the things I made, a pumpkin:)

Our teacher made the demos look so simple, easy and fun. Whenever I tried it, I felt like I had immediately failed. What didn't help was seeing other classmates succeed and make their sculptures on the wheel look almost as good as the teacher. So for the rest of the classes, I decided I could only really make something if I just used my own two hands and not on the wheel that I was conditioned to be afraid and intimated by. I only made a few things that year, and had 1 or 2 people to talk to as we made our sculptures. I didn't feel like I fit in, that I was good or talented like others were, and never felt seen or complimented by my teacher. It was a lot, it was hard. Every time I came out of that class, I always had clay residue sticking to my clothes for the rest of the day. 

The next class was fun and light, Foods. Funny enough, I was initially in the same class as my younger brother and to be honest, he acted like he didn't even know who I was! He made it obvious that he didn't want to talk to me. (Freshman can be so awkward, let alone High school boys!) But that schedule didn't last for long since I had to retake a semester of Bio since I got a 'D' my first semester of Biology sophomore year. It was actually better than I thought it would be. I had a different teacher than the year prior, and I understood the material a lot better! Though I was mostly with Freshman, there were a small minority of Juniors like me. It built my self esteem receiving a 'B' to replace my shrinking 'D'. I was able to return to the Foods class the next semester and overall that was fine.

4th Period was my favorite class and teacher, surprisingly it was Math, but I came to enjoy it. Math was never my strong suit but with a good teacher, I knew I could do well. This was my best Math class because the teacher was passionate about the subject, well organized, engaging, funny, and personable. She knew how to interact with the students, yet also showcase authority. It was predictable with daily warm ups, weekly quizzes as well as fun with little games and extra points, and watching her favorite Math show on rare Fridays, 'Numbers'. I liked her confidence and how she carried herself. I remembered she treated everyone equal, was respectful, funny and energetic. She was super fit and loved running and athletics and was the Poll Vaulting coach. She would be the teacher I would ask to hand me my diploma at my High school graduation. 

When I was in that class, I often thought of my dear sister who was in Italy since my Math teacher was originally Italian and knew the language. She would always joke of her name, specifically her last name and how long or Italian it sounded to when she married her husband, her last name became just, 'Banks' joking the shortness and simplicity of her husband's 'white' name. I became more confident with the material and enjoyed it. I liked to share it with others, so I would often teach my mom the things I was learning!

Showing my older brother Matthew some of the things in Math (he was visiting and took the bus home with me that day)

My friend group expanded more from Sophomore year and the excluded spot I found originally also became a favorite. It was relaxing and scenic looking out to the baseball field.  The group usually included Katie, Christine, Natalie, Mohini, and Emily. I was grateful to have at least two of them support and go to the club I was leading and attend all the meetings. 

The last two classes were English and Chemistry, also low favorites in teachers. I didn't prefer English due to my classmates who I didn't really have any connections or just the regular bunch of annoying students. The books we read were okay, but I didn't feel that any of them really came alive for me. And the teacher didn't really teach, just read all the books to us since no one else would volunteer. She was a hard grader I remember and barely ever gave A's on essays. 

And Chemistry wasn't much better. He was a new teacher an also the girl's soccer coach. He was friendly enough but didn't have the experience in classroom management or thorough teaching. Though it was a hard and confusing class, I didn't feel too bad since I knew I wasn't the only one who was lost. There was a student who taught the class better than the teacher and made understanding the periodic table not like rocket science. The labs were hard and annoying, but at least I could figure out with others who were just as unsure. During that time I always thought I could write a story about that interesting class, the teacher, the different energies of the students (10th, 11th and 12th graders). 

A good chunk of the school year I felt sad and melancholy for a variety of reasons. Firstly, the Students for Life Club was a big weight on my shoulders and I felt lime I was doing it alone. The selected VP who was a Senior was not very reliable for me or all that present, and it was hard to delegate. One of my friends who was the selected treasurer the first few weeks of school told me she changed her mind about the issue of Pro-Life and felt that she was actually Pro-Choice so she could no longer be part of the position or club. I felt devastated but didn't know how to navigate or try to talk to her more about it. I just let it go, and the topic was never mentioned. But I wish I had confronted it with her, and learn more about her change of views. To put the cherry on top, the teacher I had asked to be the liaison for the club (and who I knew from Middle School) also declined and drastically changed her mind about being the club advisor after saying yes. I received her change of answer in my Math class with a note sent to me. I felt like everything was falling to pieces. I somehow made it through the school year and pulled through!

The Yearbook picture for the Students for Life Club

Secondly, I really missed my sister Elisabeth who was away in Pavia, Italy. I would think of her a lot, counting 9 hours ahead, and overall just miss having a sister at home to lean on and turn to. That year, I started to pray on my own and get more into personal prayer. I remember towards the end of the school year, I just felt an inspiration, an inclination to write down all my thoughts and prayers down, talking to God about my day. I wrote down feelings I had about my 'secret' crush, and just the demands of classes, my friend situations and home life. 

 I got more into writing was writing letters to my older brother, Matthew. It was a fun process of writing and receiving letters! I felt like I could express myself, tell him about my classes, things happening at home and school. I even told about my crush and asked him what to do, getting a guy's perspective on it. It was also cool to read about his life, his days and what he was up to. We would connect on books, music and he would take a genuine interest in my high school life. I remember feeling proud about my math class and sharing what I was learning and how I was doing in that class with him. 

Throughout high school I would sometime have subtle or strong stomach pains. They would make me feel bloated and in pain, like I just wanted to lie down. This happened more so through Junior and Senior year, and it started to become an embarrassment since it seemed like I was still digesting food, but I really wasn't. I was usually full of discomfort and always wondered what was it that I ate that made me experience this.  

I went to dances with my friend group like homecoming and Junior Prom! I wore a more expensed dress for Homecoming - a Cobalt blue, so for Prom I didn't spend any money, I wore the bridesmaid dress from my Mom's wedding, just like my sister Elisabeth did. It was a fun, flowy style, a mid blue color that depicted the '70's. But I loved that no one would have my dress, and in some ways I would stand out. Junior Prom was okay. It was a nice venue and fancy food, but I felt like something was missing. I liked to dance and didn't mind being the first on the dance floor, but I felt my friends couldn't join me in the same way. I remember feeling very disappointed in one of my friends in the way that she danced with a guy. I felt betrayed since I knew she knew better than that, and it made me feel uncomfortable. 

Some fun things outside of school included visiting my grandparents with a few of my siblings and parents that September 2009. Camp every summer was a planning adventure throughout the school year and connecting with my camp counselor friends was always a joy. Writing like I mentioned was becoming more of a regular thing with my brother, as well as keeping in touch with Elisabeth in Italy! I adored receiving letters in the mail from her, and how artistically she decorated the cards was also fun and special to see. Hearing about her classes and her adventure in traveling, cooking and eating Gelato and other delicious food, as well as sharing some Italian language. 

I tried to keep up with running and exercise since I wasn't in a PE class nor was I playing basketball. I got more into running and made my 'running route' and loved running while listening to some of my favorite tunes, especially in the rain! This would transition into my Senior year as well. Junior year taught me a lot, and I was forced and encouraged to rely on my faith, and my inner strength a lot of the time. Though Senior year had its challenges, it definitely prepared me and made me a stronger person, creating that foundation. 

An Honorable Remembrance

Yesterday was the 20 year anniversary of the terrorist attacks on 9/11. I was really young when that horrible, traumatic and deeply sad events of innocent lives destroyed occurred. Third grade to be exact. And over the years while being a student and growing up, we always recalled in memory and with sadness this day, since all my classmates in middle school and high school were alive just like me when that horrendous day took place at the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and crashing into the plains of Pennsylvania. I didn't even know or understand all the details, and especially being so young I couldn't really wrap my brain around it all. 

I remember vividly watching the TV with my mom after school on that day in 2001 and seeing the two plains crash into the Twin Towers and seeing them collapse with all the dust, cement, rubble crumbling like a big earthquake. I remember seeing a lady pour water over herself as she was drenched in smoke, debris, and cement remains. It was sad to see, trying to understand as a 9 year old. 

I can't even think about all those lives lost just from the crumbling, floor by floor of those towers, those innocent lives lost just from others not able to find their remains amidst the dust, and the crashing, burning, and deteriorating of the iconic sky scrapers. I thought about the passengers on the plane who had no idea what was coming. The excruciating terror on their lives, ending so quickly with not even able to arrive safely at their destination. A phone call perhaps to tell their loved ones goodbye. 

I can't think of it all and make sense of the pain that others have endured these past two decades. The reality of it all has certainly hit home for me more than it has before. It makes my heart sink and ache into sorrow and tears well up in my eyes, thinking of all those lives taken abruptly, ripped from this earth, yet telling a story so strong of their witness in this tragic terrorist attack. 

I had tears in my eyes yesterday as I hugged my sister so tightly after she asked me to be the godparent/godmother of her baby boy due in February. The card she wrote was so touching, and joyful. And to think of this new life, this little baby growing and developing in her womb is so miraculous, beautiful and exciting! 

I think about this new life on the day when nearly 3,000 lost their lives in 9/11. I thought about being with my sister, and hug her close was such a gift as so many others 20 years ago did not have the chance, the privilege, or the gift in doing so as their loved ones passed away. It makes me truly filled with gratitude for life, for the simple things and God's mysterious ways, God's gifts and His enduring presence. How truly blessed I am.

A Picture of My Grandparents

 Today marks the 73rd wedding anniversary of my Grandma and Grandpa, my Dad's parents. I've been thinking about them more recently. It was my dear sister who became curious and came up with the good idea to learn more about our Grandma whom we had never met or grown up with. She researched more about her life, her family and relatives through relatives of our own, our Dad's cousins and our Uncle who has a lot of information on genealogy. 

I got to know more about her too when my sister would share and tell me things, or forward emails to the family about another interesting response from a relative detailing Grandma's life before she was married or after when 3 young boys to take care of. It was just a few weeks ago that we visited their gravesite again in Santa Clara while we had some excursions in San Jose where my Dad's childhood home is. There just seemed to be so much history in these places, lineage and memories that my Dad, my Uncle and relatives remember and lived through. Being a student at SJSU for my Masters in Library Science is another connection to them and the city where my Dad grew up and where they lived for a number of years.

This genealogy process that my sister was gaining more information on inspired me to create some sort of story. I enjoy the creative process and feel that I more of a fiction writer embedding some real events in different pockets, letting the real and imaginary ooze out together. I've written down some notes regarding facts, places, genealogy and such but haven't come up with anything yet. 

I also am thinking about Grandma and Grandpa as of recent because of their story. They both married later in life (late in those days). My Grandma got married at 30 and my Grandpa was 35 or 36. My Grandma's 2 other siblings were already married with children before she met and married. I think about those details, and I can relate in my own way. I have 2 siblings who both recently got engaged and will have weddings next year! It's exciting, joyful but I can relate in a special and intimate way with Grandma when you're unsure and it can be hard not knowing your own vocation story to marriage when things are happening all around you. 

I recall seeing the wedding picture of my parents, with my Dad's two brothers and his parents. I noticed that Grandma's hand looked as if it were clutching my Dad's oldest brother, Uncle Mike's hand, almost as if she knew was he was perhaps feeling in that moment. He was not married yet, not dating but his youngest brother had just gotten married and my other Uncle was already a Marianist brother. I could sense my Grandma was empathizing with the reality of siblings' lives changing before your own. That really stuck with me. 

I have her wedding band ring and it actually fits. I think of this as a symbol of her presence, her story. I've had it ever since one of my older sisters was getting engaged 9 years ago and she gave me Grandma's band. My mom recently showed me Grandma's engagement ring since I and never seen it before. It was so beautiful with a lovely diamond not too big or small, but the size of the ring looked petite. So special to see these heirlooms!

Sometimes I think that Grandma is calling me to write a story, her story. To use what I have and detail something creative, unique, personal in a way to honor and remember Grandma and Grandpa. I do have quite a few memories of Grandpa since I was around 6, 7, and 8 and we would visit him often and go out to eat at his favorite restaurants with all of us. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself to write something 'good', but all I want to do is tell a story in my own way. 

I love this time of the year, this time of September! And I can see why they chose this date all those many decades ago. I keep them both in my heart and  mind today, and know that they are with me, interceding for me, and holding my hand like loving Grandparents do. 

Time for Something

 I think about this a lot-how I can use my time well at work when I am not busy. There are moments throughout the days that its slow for me, I don't have much to do, there are no students who need help and I'm left to myself of how to make the remaining time go by quickly enough but also somewhat productive, (or at least look like it)! 

Of course like anyone, I like and enjoy to be busy and productive at my job. For some even, it could instill some anxiety if they are not presented with any alternatives to keep them busy and useful. I don't get anxious luckily, but I do try and think of how I can make the situation a bit more enjoyable, better if possible. I've even tried to help students who have no work to do and are just staring into space or at their phones and who look so bored. I've given them some alternatives to help them use their open time a bit better.

 The first week of school felt like we were playing games all week in 1 or 2 of the classes where they have time for homework. I had ideas to play hang man on the white board or Scattergories and another student introduced me to an online Pictionary game. I could tell overall the students enjoyed it. It made the time go by faster and they were a bit entertained interacting with some of their peers. Now that school has progressed a bit, some of the students have more work to do, but others have the same issue with too much open time. I often think of how much could be done with this open time, one could learn a language, read a book, write a story, draw, learn more about a subject.. the possibilities are endless! But these students may not think of it the same way I do. I told them if I were them, I would bring a book or something else to do if I had so much open time. Or else, its going to be a loooong school year. 

I think about this topic of time and usefulness because it has to do with one of my favorite authors and books- Immacule Illibagiza who wrote her incredible survival story from the Rwandan Genocide titled Left to Tell. She survived by being locked up in a cramped bathroom with a few other women in a Pastor's home who was hiding these women. In her book, she wrote many times about using the open hours and days of sitting uncomfortably and very fearfully, not knowing the outcome of the war and when and if she would be found out and die full of prayer and conversations with God, praying the Rosary. She even had a vision to study the English language and was able to get some resources to learn while in the small bathroom for roughly 3 months. She is such an inspiring and empowering faith-filled women, I never get bored of reading her books. 

I also think about a great saint I admire, St. Josemaria who was so resourceful and sensitive in using our time well for God's glory. I read it in one of the books about him how during the Spanish civil war they were cooped up in a room sharing with a few of the other men, and St. Josemaria advised them all to use the long, open days with a set schedule and also for each of them to learn a language so they could spread the spirit of Opus Dei to other people and areas. I was reminded of these details in a blog post I recently read from a lovely blogger who I sometimes follow. She is so inspirational, faith-filled and joyful and she too mentioned during the beginning of the Pandemic that she was going to structure her days and have a set schedule. 

I use these examples as reminders for myself. I don't have as much free time as I once had in the summer or even last Fall. And I can say there are pros and cons with both, and there definitely is a sweet spot in the middle and learning how to balance it all. But like I mentioned above, there are days and hours throughout the week at work where I'm left to get creative and innovative once again! Sometimes acronyms help, like if I'm in a building with a certain letter, I've been trying to think and pray to saints whose names start with that letter! Something so simple, but can be helpful and powerful. I'm noticing its the little things that count and can help make the routine or open time more like a form of prayer rather than an inconvenience or an annoyance. 

Happy Labor Day weekend!!

Flowers from garden in SF last wknd:)