Library Wonder, Heart Questing

 Its February, and many things are coming to my mind. It's the exciting arrival of another nephew, and my God son in just a few short days! February is loading up with more birthdays, and it's the month of hearts. I can't help but remember dear Ignacio's heart condition being diagnosed almost 2 years ago. 

I came across thinking of 2 years ago of really wondering, contemplating, what would be ahead for me? And what should I pursue? What route should I take? February was when I was searching more of what my true calling would be, and I felt a deep yearning for that next step, but what felt like a big question mark and a blank slate. There were very real and deep desires on my heart for my vocation, just so much was happening in what felt like all at once! 

February 2020, how raw some days felt, and so much unknown and growing pains. I even wrote about it on here, it was hard. I find it so interesting, since I would ask those who knew me well, what should I do? What did they see me doing or be good at? I asked my mom these questions, and she immediately answered, a librarian. For some reason, I almost felt appalled, surprised. Really? Me? I didn't feel the least bit enthused or connected to the possibility.

 I searched it up online (nearly forgetting that this had been one of my plans for post grad right before transferring to University) and saw that there was only an online program with the closest University- SJSU's program. There weren't too many programs unless it was further out or out of state. 

I closed that door immediately and thought that's not going to happen. I was saying and thinking, 'I don't want to do that, I love working with students. Being a librarian, you're not working with students.' Looking back, I find it funny because I'm in my 2nd year of the program now, (the one I had looked up and decided I wasn't interested) And I can say with certainty, I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't ready to be in that place of commitment or to really see that it would be something that I would find interesting, meaningful; something that I'm good and passionate about. 

For me, I was too closed to see what was ahead. I needed more growing, learning, detachment in order to fully know and see clearly. God was still preparing me, and it took long stretches of time, patience throughout the pandemic to keep on questioning, praying and praying and seeing what would happen. Months would go by, and I forgot all about that program. It didn't come up again until my sisters brought it up that Fall. 

 It would take several months to fully be convinced and see it for myself and commit to this program, this passion, and delve into it all. There would be many ideas in between. All of them soon fell flat and never seemed fulfilling or like the path for me. In some ways, I would never have guessed it for myself, but in others, it really feels like it fits like a glove. Sometimes, what you're looking for happens to be right in front of you. I'm grateful for this journey! 

Write Your Story

 "I'm an empty page, I'm an open book, write your story on my heart"

As I was listening to this upbeat, and encouraging song by Francesca Battistelli, all the memories came back to me from that August evening. It was the final cusp of my dear sister Susie's time before she would move out and transition to a new area, a new job, a whole new life ahead!

 I made a video for her with photos from the past 6 and a half years of our time and memories together with music, and this was one of the songs. Here are some of the other beautiful lyrics: "Author of my hope, maker of the stars, let me be your work of art... My life, I know it's never been mine, so do whatever you like, I don't know what your plan is, but I know it's good."

How rich, joyful and beautiful these lyrics are, an openness, a trustful heart, a restful heart. I think that's what my sweet sister had, an open heart before she moved, and a joyful and restful heart of God's plans, timing and what He would do next. I could sense it, and I can remember it now. My heart looked quite different at that time. I felt some sorrow, overwhelming sense of the unknown, not knowing how daily life would like without a sister around, not sure what my path would like, what would be next for me?

 I had many doubts, and I took it day by day, settling into a new of life. This song spoke of an emptying of sense, of being open, yet things felt empty around me, but it was surely a way for God to find me more willing to accept the hardships and crosses He was giving me at that time.

How different I feel now, a year in a half later. So much has happened, and transitioned into a new mold, a new season. And there have been different seasons in between since I made that video for Susie. I feel more like what the lyrics say, "an empty page, I'm an open book.... come on and make your mark." More as in invitation, a sense of being, belonging and resting in Him more and more. 

This symbolism of writing and open pages relates to a song I have had on repeat as of recently, Natasha Bedingfield's 'Unwritten'. I love this song. I love it while I'm running, driving or just thinking and reading. Those lyrics have a similar openness to life and what's ahead, it has a positive tune. It never gets old. Those lyrics my dear sister wrote in one of my notebooks for my birthday. That birthday, I needed those reassuring and beautiful lyrics since that was a hard and trying year, beautiful but stretching me, and growing my faith. 

I remember that song the summer I took the English CBEST, and it felt so empowering, inspired after I took that test after studying and I could just run and let all my creative energy out. I still think of that song when it comes to writing, whether it be journaling, notes, creative writing, it's a force that breathes inspiration and energy in. I think about it as I'm now writing my own story, a creative one.

 "I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned... the rest is till unwritten". 

Things From Last Week

Watching cake decorating videos. Artsy and inspiration come. Eating delicious chocolate cake. Trying to stay away from sweets.

Lap swimming with mom in early evening. Warm air, calm water, until my strokes set in. Waves and ripples, brings me back to summer swim meets.

Rising before dawn, early Mass, special.

Listening to The Bible in a Year Podcast, enjoying it. Knitting at the same time.

Blogging. Loving the writing process and sifting through my thoughts.

Running, music loud and long strides. Pink sunset all a glow.

Pretty sunsets, makes the painter's brush stop and take it in.

Buying birthday cards, and notebooks for school.

Starbucks drink to uplift, with a cheese Danish of course.

Tears and emotions. Prayer, writing, recovering, healing.

Praying in church while teen choir practice was going on

Library time, perusing through aisles and reading.

Inspired by paintings/impressionisms, brings back memories from my Art History class

Running late, sleeping in

Adoration, chapel, silence, peace.

Babysitting Santiago, playing Legos, coloring and throwing plane. Laughing and enjoying time together.

Talking to my dear sister. Feeling better. Encouragement, understanding, inspiration. 

Julie and Julia movie. Inspiration, goodness, laughs, creativity.

Winter 2015: A new inspiration

 As I was browsing the library aisles, I came across a book I had read a couple of years ago while in college. Thinking about it, and checking it out, brought certain memories with it. The book title is called, 'The Kitchen Counter Cooking School' by Kathleen Flinn. That winter of 2015, I was in my second quarter at university and becoming more etched in my major as an English literature major. But I needed some flavor and inspiration in that dull environment of a classroom. 

Some days, I felt like falling asleep and dozing off in my own world. Before class would begin, I would soak up as much juice as I could from the book I was reading before a stone, cold feeling would hit- that professor reminded me of beige, plain walls and brown and dark panels hovering around a dark room. Where was the life? I thought I would feel inspired studying and reading English novels and writing essays. I began to feel like an orange being sucked out of zest and motivation, as well as creativity. I wasn't so sure of English literature was my thing anymore, where I belonged or fit in. 

Reading Kathleen Flinn's first book, 'The sharper your knife, the less you cry', was an instant catcher in the inspiration department. I would soak up the words before the dreary and plain English class would start. I couldn't wait to get back into it at the break. I would sit next to my new acquaintance, Sefali whom I shared a class with the quarter before. We connected, at least on a class and academic level. I didn't feel so alone or isolated in that drab class, (besides a nearby picture of Frida Kalho on the wall near me) and her forceful energy and determination to do well in the class encouraged me to enhance my reading speed- we read at least 5 books in that quarter! 

Cooking became a more focused pursuit and interest of mine. Now cooking more regularly for family at home, I became engrossed and inspired in cooking memoirs. I loved learning about chef's experience in the kitchen, their motivation, their story. I enjoyed reading about food and recipes, techniques, and all the learning curves. I later became interested in Jacques Pepin's cooking show. He's a lot of fun to watch, and his cooking memoir is wonderful as well!

That Winter quarter of 2015, I was thinking a lot. I contemplated what was ahead for me, and I calculated just a lot of English classes where I didn't feel that I fit the type or agreed with the certain liberal agenda being presented. With the help of my dear sister, a lot of talking and even tears, I gulped my way through another new transition and learning curve- declaring my major in International Studies. And I couldn't wait to see what the next quarters would be like. 

I knew based off of the class curriculum, I would need to do an international internship or study abroad. And the class listing was varied and exciting, not just an extended list of pure English classes. I would take a number of history and geography classes, and economics class and keep studying and pursuing Chinese classes. And of course, more cooking memoirs and books to keep me going. I was looking forward to what was coming!

Close Friends

 

I love this painted image of modern day blesseds and saints. My dear sister gave it to me after one of our visits and I have put it up on my wall and look at it often. I immediately noticed after looking at it yesterday that a few of these blesseds or saints were so close and relevant to me. I was wearing Fulton Sheen socks, reading a booklet about Bl. Pier Giorgio, and started reading a book about St. Pope John Paul II (who was also my patron saint last year) yesterday. Actually, all of them are relevant in some way or another. 

From left, Saint Mother Teresa. I want to reread the beautiful and enriching book, 'Come be my light', as its on my bookshelf. St. Josemaria, well there's so much to say. His birthday was yesterday, and his feast day is on my birthday! I am reading through a book about the start of Opus Dei and have ordered a few others regarding him or the Work. I also often look at the Opus Dei website for spiritual enrichment and encouragement. 

St. Edith Stein looks like she's right next to him. I read a great book regarding her writings on women. It was really beautiful and powerful. Venerable Fulton Sheen, I have socks of him, like I said. I love his books and his writings as well as his powerful way of speaking on his radio show. I want to read more from him!

Next to Saint Pope John Paul II is St. Gianna Molla. I love her and her story. I felt especially connected and comforted to her last year, and read books about her, have a prayer card of her on my desk and made my screen saver on my computer of a quote of hers. Chiara Portrillo Corbello has an amazing story and have read the book about her. 

St. Padre Pio, I have prayer cards of him around, and find his priestly devotion, stigmata and sufferings, his witness and holiness always so beautiful, powerful and enriching. And St. Bakhita, is a saint I don't know too much besides she is the first saint who was an African slave. I know her feast day is February 8th and is the due date of my soon to be newborn nephew, Isaac! Also, every time I enter into the chapel, I see her picture up- a relic. Now, I want to learn more about her and her story. 

How close these saints are to us, their stories, their struggles, their ambitions and faithfulness and devout life pleasing to God. Even amidst the ordinary, they are here. They are cheering us on, they understand and make things light and full of hope. How glad I am to have friends who are so close.

That Priest's Faith Shines

 While listening to one of my favorite shows on Relevant Radio, 'Trending with Timmerie', I enjoyed hearing an interview she had with a young priest, who's around my age about his vocation story. He sounded like an interesting person and very much in love and on fire for his faith. His story of discernment and into seminary was very interesting, and just his total faith and trust in wanting to do God's will for his life was inspiring. He had thought about marriage in his late teens, but felt God was calling him in his heart to the priesthood, but he was also discerning if he should go to law school. 

I remember listening that day in mid-August and just feeling so encouraged and inspired from this young, millennial priest. Wow, a young man who is living out his vocation as a priest and has a passion to serve, is truly amazing in today's world. He was interesting to listening to because he was real and honest. This priest from Texas gave me some hope in my own faith journey whilst I was feeling very much alone in my faith as well as young adult years. 

That night was when I decided to go to a young adult group I had always heard about and committed to actually going for once. I got there early, so I sat in my car and listened to the rest of the show with the priest being interviewed. I wish I could meet someone like that, I thought. Just a spiritual person who knows what they are about and knows whose they are and is cool and normal. That evening, the young adult group wasn't what I expected but I felt like a made a good effort even if it was only a married couple who showed up.

Today, I had plans to go to adoration. In the afternoon though, I was feeling a bit tired and wanted to rest. I then wasn't sure if I was going to make it there at all. I did a quick scroll on my phone, thinking of any catholic speakers I wanted to listen to or be inspired by. I came across a video about this priest (he has a you tube channel and that time in August I watched some of his videos). I decided to watch this video which was a version explanation of his vocation story to the priesthood. I already knew some of the details already due to Timmerie's show, but I think he's an engaging speaker and has a joyful presence. It showed clips of him praying, and talking about his journey, and I knew I wanted to also pray and go to adoration and not put it off. His words made me get up and be with Our Lord; I wanted to be close to Him too. 

I couldn't help but give thanks for this spiritual inspiration and example from this priest who is only in his late 20's. It brings me back to that time in August, that difficult time and how I was feeling. I want to keep being encouraged and know that there are people out there living out their faith and their call. I want to reflect; how I can also do the same, and to live it out faithfully and joyfully. 

A Letter to Myself

 Dear Colleen,

You are in the thick of it. There is so much uncertainty, fears, disappointments, it all feels like a big gulp to swallow at a constant speed with the many questions you have to add. Its January 2019, and you feel like your world is upside down. That positive TB test has left you confused and scratching your head as well as impatient. You thought the job you landed so easily and effortlessly on Christmas Eve would be your future. Of course, you may not have realized all the red flags along the way, but you also won't fully admit to yourself that you're desperate for a job, eager to use your knowledge of classes and finally gain some experience and make some money to pay back your college loans! Slowly, you will start to feel like you're sinking and an emotional wreck, what joy! But the story doesn't end there, luckily. God is with you and holding you close and dear and is teaching you so much in this testing ground! You will say that it's so hard, and post grad is underrated in how much preparation there is for 'adulting'. All those doctor visits will make you question God, 'Why me? Don't you know I hate medical things? Why is this happening?', etc... But you can tell your faith is growing stronger as well as your emotional state. 

There are many gifts being presented to you moment after moment, day after day even when things feel up in the air and topsy turvy. These include going to daily Mass, spending time with Mom and your dear sister, Elisabeth. She had just had a baby boy and you get to hold him so close and care for him and feed him his bottle when your sister and mom enjoy their time lap swimming and going to Mass while you care and look after that precious baby. How much you will feel like a baby yourself, desperately needing God's tender care and help in what you are going through. And feeling like a beginner in the working world.

God is also teaching you about patience as well as trial and error. And of course, humility, in your plans not working out and letting go. You will think that people who have a job are the luckiest people in the world! You will suddenly miss being a student, as well as tutoring your freelance job and how much you made it your own. It all felt like a safety net in some ways. This season is one of trust essentially, and that He has a plan. 

Your saving grace will be prayer and spending time at Mass, adoration, as well as the essential breath of inspiration cultivated in your schedule. The first person you meet that year you thought would be your co- teacher at your supposed to be job, but of course that fell through, and all you can do is struggle, get up and try again. Isn't that what Jesus did on his way to Calvary? You will appreciate all the hard work to get a job, and you will fight for it like no other. This testing ground like I mentioned will only be a precursor to what's ahead. I don't want to scare you, but you will know and understand the thought of not going to Mass due to your schedule with that supposed to be job made you sad, and melancholic. Well, the good news is that the job you will get soon enough will work so perfectly with your schedule that daily Mass will be your ritual and very much a part of your sanity throughout the long and learning days. In all honesty, you will be stretched like never before, so enjoy what you have now since you will need all the graces you can get! 

You are on the right track, Colleen. Don't sink into any lies, discouragement, or overwhelming worries. God hasn't left you, and never will. Enjoy the runs in the lowering sunset, and just breathe. Inspiration will come back with Arabic and making videos. Even if sharing your knowledge of the language feels scattered, it doesn't matter since you are trying to find the light in a season of darkness. Count your blessings also and keep finding the humor. It's only a season and it's toughening you up so you can be ready for the next, and a better version of the woman God created you to be. Good luck!

early January sibling hike

Sincerely,

Colleen (Your future self, 1/5/2022)

*Inspired by Emily Stimpson Chapman's book, 'Letters to Myself from the End of the World', and my dear sister's recent blog post

Inspiring (in spring)

This year of 2021 had its own unique feel to it. In the beginning, it was exciting to start out new with my Masters program and just learn new things, enjoy the process and create a blog for one of my classes and research an information community- historians. I really felt connected with the parish I was going to in the early mornings before work and spending more time there praying, adoration and eventually going there more regularly on Sundays. 

At the end of 2020, I took the idea of my sister to write down in little pieces of paper good things that happened that day, or gratitude, with a Bible verse on the back. It was so beautiful and special to do that, and I look forward to reading through them all!! Something new that was spiritual was doing a consecration to Our Lady. I chose the feast day of Our Lady of Lourdes- February 11th. It was a powerful, special thing to commit to, and I made a video about it. I want to do that again to recommit the Marian consecration in February. I also did the 54-day Rosary Novena for specific intentions. It was quite a long and intense commitment, but really beautiful. I started it on November 1st and ended on Christmas Eve. 

In terms of writing, I did more writing on my blog, of course:) But I also finished a story in March and have started another one this Fall. Writing always keeps me inspired and motivated and either allows me to process, reflect, or delve into my imagination and creative element. 

I read more books than last year. I read and finished 52 books, which any number is rewarding and an accomplishment! I went on a fun, busy and exciting road trip to Texas with my brother to where he would be moving to. We saw parts of Arizona and the Grand Canyon, New Mexico, San Antonio and into Houston. I will always remember that special trip with him, the miles and distance we made, and all the time we shared and all the sights we saw. We got along well, and it was such a cherished and special time to be together before saying goodbye and helping him settling in. 

Spring Break was beautiful and quite a treat to go to the central coast and SLO and see some missions along the way and spend time at the lovely Avila beach. It was the perfect get away for a busy time during the Easter season. It was quite interesting to read Jennifer Fulwiler's books during this time, it kept me intrigued in a riveting read. Keeping up with French studies with my mom, and reattempting with German! Languages help me stay inspired and think of possibilities and opportunities. 

There were a number of special times with my dear sister at her new house and area. It feels like an oasis with more open land and down to earthiness. And fun times to visit my sweet sister in Marin County and also get away and enjoy special outings with her. 

I got a big enough bookshelf for my books, mostly. And keeping my room in order and inspiring is always a work in progress. I donated my hair for the second time right before my birthday and it was very rewarding to get it cut off, a fresh look. One that I had been waiting for a year! Though I must say, I'm looking forward to having my hair grow out again! It was very special and beautiful to visit the Carmelite House on my 29th birthday!

Reading Elisabeth Elliot's was a real comfort and pleasure, a true kindred spirit. Reading more about St. John Paul II (my saint of the year). And those runs in the mid to late afternoon were always so helpful to get out, get some exercise, and enjoy the scenery. Podcasts or Relevant Radio are always nice to listen to as well on my walks.

That date with a guy I went on was a good muscle to work, though it wasn't the best date I've been on, it's always good experience. I was on Catholic Match for 4 months and got a good dose of being back on after a few years and connecting with other people. Trying to connect in other ways as well with people, like a young adult hike, a bible group and reaching out to contacts in the area. It's all been a learning curve and process but one that carries with its own rewards for getting out of your comfort zone! 

Visiting Ignacio's grave a few times this year has been emotional, but consoling. I feel connected with him, sharing the same birthday as well as being his aunt and God Mother. How close he is and guiding us from above! What wonder and awe that my dear sister is expecting again, due soon in February!

I would say this year was pretty emotional though. There was just a lot of inner depth, growing pains, and time alone in prayer, writing that was always very healing and comforting. I felt God was guiding me and showing me so much, beautiful as it was, it was also quite painful. A unique journey all its own! But there were so many graces as well, so much I've blessed with, it's incredible at times to reflect on it all. 

'Spring' was my word for this past year, and how much meaning brought forth from it. I got my word for this year, even into the new year, and its 'Rest'. I don't see that as coincidence at all, since the bible verse that immediately comes to mind is Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God". And the famous quote from the famous Saint Augustine, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in you". Rest is not just about leisure, but also resting in God's will, plan and time. As the bible verse, I read today regarding Simeon and the presentation of the Lord mentions rest, "He was an upright and devout man; he looked forward to the restoration of Israel and the Holy Spirit rested on him" Luke 2:25-26. 

I started the year with waking up to gorgeous pink sunsets in the early morning and reading the wonderful book, 'Dream and your dreams will fall short'. It was a very beautiful, unique, raw, sometimes painful time to be alone in that classroom at work during distant learning, but I made it all my own and honed in on the spiritual side and inspiration as much as I could. 

I was reading the book early in the year about Venerable Fulton Sheen, one of my favorites. And to close out the year, as a Christmas gift I got socks of him, so special! What a great way to close out the year and entrust more to this amazing man and soon to be Blessed/Saint! God has done so much this year and is/will continue to work and do what He does best, working amidst the unknown and in the dark. How ready, excited, hopeful and encouraged I am for this new year ahead!! A toast to 2021, and cheers to 2022!

\

Lessons from George Bailey

 I recently watched the classic, and beautiful movie, 'It's a Wonderful Life'. I can't count the number of times I've seen this movie, but I grew up with it with my family watching it nearly every Christmas Eve on TV. I declare its my favorite movie, and my favorite Christmas movie. I watched with my dear sister when I was over at her house, and what better way to enjoy this season of Advent and upcoming Christmas season than to watch our favorite classic movie. Surprisingly, I got some new insights watching this time around. Maybe because there were no commercials, and I could focus more on the intricate details that I normally miss. I've memorized this movie, with all its characters and lines and intonations, yet missed some fascinating details along the way.

For instance, flowers. They show up in the beginning/middle part of the movie and something I had never really consider before. They're a certain kind if flower- rose and even lily like at some parts. There's a garden when the protaganist, George Bailey and Mary Hatch are meeting again as young adults after the high school dance graduation for his younger brother. And then similar flowers show up again in a rose garden like way in front of Mary's house when Geroge is 'perusing' passed, but not wanting her to notice as well as not quite sure where his life is going (You have to see the movie to understand). 

Once they get married, she's wearing a similar flower to before on her vest jacket on her wedding day, as well as when George and Mary have their first dinner together in their abode of a home after they are married. To me, these details symbolize hope, opportunity, and good things ahead. These flowers don't show up again, and I feel these purposefully show up in the in youth. 

To continue, there are framed pictures that I never fully notice before in George's childhood home. It's his last night before heading off to college and the night when he decides to attend the high school dance from his brother's graduating class (and where he re meets Mary Hatch). His last night or so George thought, he was eating dinner with his Father and talking about George's plans- attend college and travel and do big things. His father seemed a bit forlorn, and has been keeping up with his business, and seems a bit disappointed that his son won't take on the business ,but doesn't force him at all. Behind them, are two framed pictures and each have a couple of butterflies displayed. I immediately got the idea that this could easily symbolize both of them 'flying their wings'. (Spoiler alert: Mr. Bailey has a heart attack and dies soon after), and George is put into a difficult position of taking over his Father's job for his business instead of going to college. Also, the framed pictures of butterflies looked nearly identical, so like Father like son. 

Throughout the movie, and into the middle, George has strong feelings and experiences of being stuck, with the obviousness of his job, and with Mary Hatch (expected that he has to marry her..) But the expected was also unexpected and so much better than anticipated or imagined. 

He was the richest man in town because he was generous, a leader and truly cared about people and the community of Bedford Falls. He made a difference and an impact where he was. He didn't realize his oath was meant to be so simple yet effective. Mundane and hard, sacrificial, but beautiful and joyful. He was the most blessed by it and others. And in the end, he was the most passionate with God's plans for him, the happiest and most fulfilled. 

Merry Christmas!!

My favorite moment

A Semester to Remember

 I've been taking some time for reflection from this past semester. I've been looking at these past few months and want to write down some of the things I learned in this busy, fast, sometimes challenging, yet rewarding semester!

August leaf

It's weird looking back at August, and the last days of summer vacation and right before things would start up again and get busy. I remember our camping tent cabin trip to Mt Lassen with my parents that got shortened due to the approaching fires. It was the last cusp of summer and what felt like the perfect opportunity to go away and enjoy the beautiful outdoors up north ,didn't actually turn out as planned. But we had a nice visit with my Aunt and her husband on the way back, though of course the skies were still smoky, at least we were safe.

I wasn't sure how to feel starting up a new school year at my job and commit to taking 2 classes that semester for my program. It was hard to put in words, but it felt like something new along with something that felt rather routine with not a lot of enthusiasm behind it. It was a mixed bag. 

There were a lot of thoughts percolating in my head, adjusting to a lot and knowing that it would be a whole different semester and latter half of the year. I described it to my sister as a whole different type of cross, of growing pains than before. It's sort of silly, but I remember really not liking my hair length. It sounds ridiculous and vain, but after getting my hair cut in June and donating it, it was just so much shorter than I had wanted. I was missing my longer hair haha 

There was exciting news with my sister getting engaged at the end of July! It was beautiful to hear and read about the engagement and how her boyfriend proposed, at the Conservatory of Flowers! And just a few weeks later in mid August, my brother proposed to his girlfriend of 3 in a half years! Shortly after I heard about it and was even able to see the ring after it was resized and cleaned (a family heirloom). I recall those days in August joyful, yet at times painful. So much was on my heart, once again, but in a new way. And with two engagements it was initially a lot to handle. Most of the time when it got to be too difficult or emotional, prayer and writing down all my thoughts and feelings were the best remedies. 

And that was a busy weekend, with a Mass that we went to for the installation of a new pastor at my childhood parish we went to with my parents and Steven and Ali. And it was nice to have Steven visiting that weekend after not seeing him since our road trip together in early June. And that Sunday, the feast of the Assumption of Mary, was our sister day in Davis. It was the last official breath of summer for me, but it was memorable to spend it a new place with sisters, lunch, shopping and talking. It was great to chat more with Meghan about our love and devotion to the Carmelites!

When I think about the start of the school year, my mind goes back to dinner at Blue Agave. It was my Mom's and sister's birthday, and my parents and I went out to a nice local restaurant to celebrate her birthday. It truly felt like a summer's evening, with people dining outside and the lighting lingering and the air warm. We sat inside near the window to look out. I couldn't believe growing up here, I had never step foot in this restaurant, it was a real treat to have a nice meal together and celebrate. 

It was the first week of school both for my job, and my program was just starting up again. I was adjusting to my schedule again and remembering feeling very tired with the long block schedule and no longer being on zoom, but in the end so much better! We celebrated my sister's birthday that weekend by going to Santa Clara to the Shrine of Our Lady of Peace and then out to lunch in San Jose, and passing by my dad's childhood home.

Late August, my two sisters and I made plans to go to the city for a Sunday and check out some sites. That was a full day, but a lot of fun, and it was lovely weather. We attended Mass at St. Ignatius Church, walked around a museum, got lunch at a burrito place, and walked in the areas where we had our Hot Chocolate run in early 2020- feels so long ago! And also the place where Susie got engaged. It was a lot of walking, but worth it.

Susie looking out

The weekends were starting to feel more busy with plans on the weekends as well as assignments for my classes creeping up. I was enjoying what I was learning and especially liked my Professor for Information Retrieval Systems, and felt like I was learning so much. Labor Day weekend, we had sister time again with visiting Susie in Marin County and sleeping over. We talked a lot of wedding planning and just had fun being together, relaxing. We had a nice Mass in Petaluma and goodbye lunch for Ricardo's mom and met more of his family.

To help me throughout the week was attending Mass before work. It would sometimes feel like a sacrifice to wake up earlier, but in the end it was worth it and it would always make my day go better and have the graces I needed. I already knew my favorite class to sit in on at work was a U.S. History class. The teacher had so much passion and enthusiasm, it wasn't in an overwhelming or exhaustive way, but for me since the moment I stepped foot, it was inspiring and enjoyable. I've been relearning a lot ever since. 

My dear sister and I met in mid September and it was so nice. We enjoyed lunch at Panera and perused around a bookstore. I was touched and honored when when asked me to be the god mother of her baby in her womb, immediately I started crying and said yes!:)  In my thoughts, in my prayer journal, and in lamenting to my parents or sisters, this semester I admit has been one of complaining and frustration. There have been days where I'm not sure the next step, or how to make things better when they are hard and feeling unstimulated at work. That's been a big part of my prayer to God too. How much I've been cultivating this thing called creativity and innovation to make the inspiration come again, and to make the hard parts lighter.

 Another focus had been loneliness. I hadn't fully realized it was a gift in the form of a cross until my dear sister and I started reading Elisabeth Elliot's books, and what she shares about her own life and sufferings and loneliness. Finally, it felt like this burden could be brought forth in a more spiritual way, and for a particular reason. Through the Fall months, I was enjoying reading some of her books and gaining consolation as well as inspiration. 

I remember late September was Ali's good bye party at out house before her big move to Houston. It was exciting and joyful to celebrate, but again one that left me a thorn in my side. There was a lot going on with wedding details, and just things that I couldn't fully relate to now that sometimes it just feels like a lot, that I can't contribute and that's where it gets hard. It really has been its own cross! I remember going back to work that week and feeling slightly off, but then realizing that the Fall feeling was in the air and other things was exciting. Knowing that its it own season, everything is passing. 

October came and that's when my parents went up to Yosemite for a few days (still some smoky air), and I had Navidad to myself to keep me company. :) I made brownies for a baby shower I was attending at work, but then decided to buy them instead. It was exciting celebrating 2 teachers at work who were pregnant, but of course comes the interesting side of navigating conversation with co workers. In the end, it was better than I anticipated. We met up with my dear sister one day in October when she wasn't feeling too well, and we kept her company and helped with Santiago. We had lunch all together with my Mom, and then her and I did some shopping together for much needed Fall clothes- that was a real treat!

October left me the feeling of where can I connect with others like me, in my situation? Some days more than others brought that further into my heart and desires. It wasn't until a phone call with Meghan when we were able to chat and she brought up reaching out to an old friend of hers who was in the area and same stage of life/situation as I am. I had only briefly considered reaching out to this person, but then thought against it, perhaps it being rather obscure. But her encouragement made me more motivated to do so. 

Again, the weekends were fairly busy with work to do for my classes, assignments and even projects. It kept me challenged and motivated. Later in October, I babysat my sweet nephew Santiago and then the next day we celebrated Halloween together, and did trick or treating with him, that was a fun night! A few days before, I was inspired and encouraged hearing about the first Blessed Millennial, soon to be Saint Carlo Acutis. He would be around my age if he were still alive today, and I found his story and witness to the faith so beautiful and encouraging. At work, I researched him more and wrote down quotes from him to help and remind me. My dear sister sent me this prayer excerpt and it made me feel so blessed, and also enriched my faith, and trust. It was truly comforting, I love it.

November came around and I was excited for the Fall season to continue! And with the feast days of All Saints Day and All Souls, how beautiful and rich. I realized that November is at the top of my favorite months. With the anticipation of Thanksgiving and a break and Advent, there is true excitement in the air. I got inspired semi- randomly to learn German again after many years.

 It was such a breath of fresh air to finally have a day off on Veterans Day and take it slow, go to Mass and go to Starbucks and do some French studies with my Mom, that's always a joy! There was beautiful sunset glow through the vineyards that evening.  A little later on, I did meet up with an old friend of my sister(s), and it was wonderful. We had a great time catching up and getting to know each other better. 

In early November, my Uncle was visiting, and it was great to catch up and see him. We had an early birthday celebration for him and Santiago. Thanksgiving was almost here and my dear sister and I met up in Martinez like we did before during the pandemic and it brought back those summer memories. We had a lovely brunch and walk. 

Shortly after was break and my oldest sister and her family were coming to visit, so it would be a busier yet exciting and full break to see them and have some more quality time with them! Thanksgiving was very special and memorable with my dear sister and brother-in-law hosting, and having a good number of family members. We stayed up late and had a late drive back home, but it was so special. 

And then Advent started, and November was nearly over and a new liturgical year was in tow. How fast the year and semester had gone! My projects for my classes finished up and it was rewarding to look back on all that I learned. I reflect upon this past second half of the year, there has been a lot going on both inwardly and outwardly, but everything has been a blessing, a learned experience as well as a grace from God. 

A reminder from a picture from my sister

As I'm recovering from a cold and fever these past few days, it has taught me to slow down, breath and be present to the moment and just rest. I've enjoyed listening to the saint summit talks along with my sister and learning more about the saints, as well as speaker's podcast I really like. Although I haven't finished all my Christmas shopping yet, it will get done, this time in Advent is so special. Here's to the approaching Christmas season and closing out 2021! 

237 Apartment Memories

 I am reminded by my dear sister and brother in law's first apartment in Fremont. They lived there for their first year in a half of marriage, and I would visit them often. It was those days of adjustment, change and often times nostalgia and sadness of not having my sister at home anymore. But it was those days of bloom, joy, richness and growth that we were able to meet up and visit each other and do fun things like go to our favorite Starbucks in Union City, take walks, watch movies, have sleepovers, go to Mass and thrift shop!

Many precious memories come back to me when I think of that time of Fall 2016, leading into 2017 and eventually until they moved, May 2018. Those were days where a lot was on my heart and mind. A lot of the time, things felt dark, and cloudy, heavy and melancholy. It wasn't until I would visit my sister that it would help those longings go away, rekindle much needed inspiration and learn how to continue on without her directly in my life, directly where I lived. 

I have sweet and fond memories of taking walks, and bike rides to the little nursery, and to Quarry Lakes. Of seeing the water sparkle as we took a break at a bench nearby to look out during our walks or bike rides. We would easily spend a number of hours at Starbucks chatting away, reading, and studying language with a black and white map of the world displayed nicely and inspiringly in the background. So many conversations, and deeper ones too, so much that was going on interiorly.

I remember Thanksgiving dinner we had there, their first year of marriage hosting and providing a wonderful and memorable meal. Just a week later we went out to a Persian restaurant for a report I had for an Anthropology class. I still have that photo. I loved the ambiance and little touches my sister displayed in her new home, and the big, glowing Christmas tree for their second year of Christmas and how it enlightened the room. We watched our favorite movie, Little Women that night and the lights sparkled, and our hearts laughed.

In the spring, I brought red orange roses and they were displayed on the table, and I talked about job prospects and the very real, hard transition of college to work, of being lonely and figuring things out. I remember being there for the exciting news of her first pregnancy, as well as the very devastating and sad news of her miscarriage and supporting her through it all. 

Those walls, that space held our hardships, our hearts that were at times aching, other times laughing and connecting, crying or just thinking and praying. Those walls and the company in it helped and carried me through a difficult season, one that I'm sure I will always remember and hold dear, because it taught me a lot and showed me a lot even through the pain. I look back on those days with gratitude, hope, inspiration and lessons to hold on to in these cold days of winter and light and grace filled days of Advent.